Last of The Summer Wine (5 page)
Compo, Clegg and Seymour, wearing Santa suits, are collecting for charity. They see an ‘impostor’ Father Christmas.
SEYMOUR: Did you see that?
CLEGG: Some
fool
dressed as Father Christmas.
SEYMOUR: It’s no wonder we’re not collecting any money. There’s some unauthorised Father Christmas dodging about the town, beating us to it. We’ve got to stop him.
CLEGG: But how?
SEYMOUR: Well, we’ll have to catch him.
CLEGG: I’m not running around chasing Father Christmases, dressed like Father Christmas. It’ll look as if Walt Disney is in town.
M
EMORIES
…
‘When I wrote the pilot, Nora Batty was just the woman next door to Compo. I didn’t spend any time on the character; actually, I didn’t think she was a character, just a woman with a couple of lines. But she had such an impact from word one that I thought, “she’s staying”. Kathy Staff made her into what she became.’
ROY CLARKE
‘When Michael Aldridge had to give up because his wife was unwell—he was in tears when he told me because he regarded
Summer Wine
as the best job he’d had—I asked Brian Wilde back; it was a logical choice because he was the most popular of the third men.
‘Seymour may not have been universally liked from the beginning but grew on the fans. I think he was very funny and some of the best episodes were with him. Whereas Foggy was a leader, Seymour was the inventor who’d come up with lots of strange ideas, opening up lots of avenues for Roy. Michael Aldridge acted as a catalyst, bringing the three actors together. He even made them meet up for dinner on Sundays.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
Now that Seymour has left, Compo and Clegg find themselves without any leadership so they pass the time of day in Ivy’s café.
CLEGG: Suddenly, life is like first-class mail. There doesn’t seem to be any urgency anymore.
‘B
UT
I
COULD BE LYING
.’ (T
RULY
)
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are at Wesley’s shed, when Clegg expresses an opinion.
CLEGG: I always think it’s a lot like being dead, waiting at the checkout of a supermarket.
Howard is busy cleaning his windows, as Clegg approaches.
CLEGG: Ah, morning, Howard. Has Pearl got you started early, or have you been there since last night?
HOWARD:
(Sadly)
What’s it like to be free, Cleggy?
CLEGG: Free? Sometimes I think I’m just a plaything of Foggy Dewhurst. Anyway, you don’t do too badly, considering.
HOWARD: It’s not easy. Pearl’s got radar.
From an upstairs window, Pearl has overheard.
PEARL:
(Accusingly)
Pearl’s got a what?
HOWARD: (
Thinking fast
) A radiant smile, Iove! I was just telling Cleggy here, how you’ve got a radiant smile. When you bother to use it. How come you never smile these days when you look at me?
PEARL: Smile? Because I’m too busy giggling. You look hilarious in a chilly bathroom.
She slams the window shut.
HOWARD:
(To Clegg)
You see what I mean? What do you do?
CLEGG: Well, for a start, when Pearl is around I should keep out of chilly bathrooms.
Foggy is in the library, making an unusual request.
FOGGY: Have you anything on silent killing?
The customers in the library look around in alarm.
LIBRARIAN:
(Uneasily)
If there is anything, you’ll find it under sports and pastimes.
FOGGY: Yeah. How about unarmed combat for the over-sixties? You see, I’ve had a look round and all I can find for the over-sixties is old-time dancing. Well, I mean, it’s all very well in it’s way, but if you’re mugged in the street, you can hardly valletta him to death, can you?
Foggy (Brian Wilde) fancied himself as a leader of men.
The three men relax in a beautiful spot. Clegg reflects.
CLEGG: You come all the way up a hill and there’s this insect waiting. Now, how did it know we were coming up this hill?
D
ID YOU KNOW
?
When Thora Hird joined the cast as Edie, she was expecting to make a one-off appearance, but her performance soon saw her become a regular.
FOGGY: You don’t call these midget creatures insects.
COMPO: Here we go again. OK, what do you call insects?
CLEGG: Ronald?
FOGGY: I could tell you tales about insects. I’ve seen insects big enough to carry off children.
COMPO: He does talk some fanny.
CLEGG: But fluently.
FOGGY: I have seen these winged things, flying through the jungle, big as small mangles. And teeth? They could eat steel helmets.
M
EMORIES
…
‘Brian Wilde wasn’t the easiest person to work with. One of the problems was he didn’t have an agent and had to do his own negotiations, always a bad move. He was also a prickly character but brilliant and never uttered a line wrong.’
ROY CLARKE
‘I’d always watched
Summer Wine
and was very happy when asked to appear in the 1988 Christmas Special, ‘Crums’. I always wanted to play an eccentric and this was my opportunity. It’s been such a successful series because it has wonderful writing—it’s so witty you could get a laugh out of every other line, if necessary.’
JEAN ALEXANDER (Auntie Wainwright)
‘I received lots of letters from people saying the series has been an inspiration. Rather than just looking out the window, they now go for walks in the hills. It encourages people to do something with their lives and explore the countryside.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
Smiler is demonstrating Auntie Wainwright’s latest moneymaking scheme: security-lights.
AUNTIE: People have to see what it is you’re offering. They won’t buy security lights if they can’t see security lights.
SMILER: Supposing I get electrocuted?
AUNTIE: By the look of you, that could be beneficial.
Auntie adjusts the lights on Smiler.
AUNTIE: Yes, well, that should attract some attention.
SMILER: I feel such a fool.
Jean Alexander, who made her name playing Hilda Ogden in
Coronation Street,
initially joined in a one-off role.
AUNTIE: Now why should you feel a fool? Blackpool’s illuminated. Blackpool doesn’t feel a fool. People travel miles to see the lights. Turn round. Hmm, I wonder if there should be a red light at the rear?
SMILER: Supposing I overheat?
AUNTIE: (
Mishearing
) Not in my time, lad, you bring your own sandwiches. Well, you’ve got a switch. Turn yourself on.
There is a flash and a loud bang, as the lights explode.
SMILER: I think one of me bulbs has gone.
AUNTIE:
(Despairing)
That’s always been my impression.
The ladies prepare to get into Edie’s car, as they set off on a picnic.
GLENDA: My Barry likes a picnic. After a day in the building society he loves to be informal on the grass.
EDIE:
(Shocked)
Will you be quiet, girl! People don’t want to hear things like that. You weren’t brought up to be informal on the grass.
GLENDA: Oh, Mother.
EDIE: And if you get any leanings towards lolling on the grass, it’s from your father’s side.
Pearl and Ivy are chatting, as usual, about Howard.
IVY: Well, what’s the matter with him now?
PEARL: He’s been up half the night with indigestion.
IVY: Why, what’s he been eating?
PEARL: Paper.
IVY: Well, I hope you give him a bit of good gravy with it.
PEARL: It’s not my paper, it’s her paper. He thinks I don’t know. He gets these notes from you-know-who.
IVY: Oh!
PEARL: Then he swallows them for security purposes. It wouldn’t be so bad but it’s scented notepaper.
Howard is making one of his secret phone calls to Clegg. Pearl listens from the stairs until Howard notices her.
HOWARD:
(Nervously)
Hello love. I was just calling my horoscope line.
PEARL: In future, if you want to know your future, ask me.
Pearl looks at Howard.
PEARL: Why are you holding the phone down your jumper?
HOWARD: Oh, well, I always think it works better when it’s warm.
PEARL: Is that why men always stand with their backsides to the fire?
Howard has been on the phone to the council, asking about stoneworm. Pearl waits for his explanation.
PEARL: Well, what did he say? What do you use for stoneworm?
HOWARD: You apply a thin solution of vinegar and garlic.
PEARL: Garlic? I thought that was for vampires?
HOWARD: Have you checked your neck lately?
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are crossing the top of a waterfall when Clegg divulges information.
CLEGG: I used to think God invented beetles, but then Wesley Pegden said it was Hitler.
COMPO: Hitler invented beetles?
FOGGY: That was the Volkswagen Beetle. Hitler didn’t invent creepy-crawly beetles.
CLEGG: Well, I’m glad about that. That means I can go back to liking beetles.
FOGGY: What’s to like about beetles?
CLEGG: Oh, I think they’re wonderful. They look like tortoises, some of them. And yet, they can fly.
COMPO: Me Auntie Meg had a tortoise.
FOGGY: She had something slow and idle and that was her husband.
M
EMORIES
…
‘Bill Owen was a superb actor. Watching him, you could believe he was a Yorkshireman. But he had no Yorkshire relationship whatsoever because he was born in Acton and spoke with a London accent. He was a very friendly chap.
‘Peter Sallis is a brilliant actor, too. Give him a line and he’ll say it superbly, getting every bit of humour from it. He’s always word-perfect and has a wicked sense of humour. I always referred to Peter as the “father” of the series. Roy Clarke gave birth to it and Peter would look after it and treasure it, making sure no one started taking it in the wrong direction. Peter cared about Roy’s work.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘I cast Mike Grady but it was an assistant floor manager who actually suggested him. He’s marvellous, as is Sarah Thomas, who plays Glenda. She wrote to me when I was casting the character. I wanted someone who could conceivably look like Thora’s daughter. She was perfect. Whenever filming is underrunning, I’ll ask Roy to write another scene for Barry and Glenda. Mike and Sarah will go away, have a coffee and come back word-perfect.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
Glenda and Barry have just returned home in their new car, which Barry is desperate to keep secret from Wesley.
BARRY: Are you sure you didn’t tell your mother about this car?
GLENDA: I didn’t tell her. I feel awful, but I didn’t tell her. It were like telling lies.
BARRY: It’s in a good cause. I daren’t let your father near this car.
GLENDA: She wanted to know why you dropped me at the end of the street. She thinks you’re up to no good. She thinks you’re having an affair.
BARRY: Well, that’s all right then. So long as she doesn’t know about this car.
When a number of locals report sightings of giant apes in the woods, Foggy conscripts Compo and Clegg to assist with the capture.
FOGGY: You’ll be perfectly safe. We’ll be in hiding and I shall tranquilise it with one of these darts.
Foggy shows them a homemade dart, decorated with feathers.
COMPO: It’s just an ordinary dart.
FOGGY: It’s not an ordinary dart, it’s very far from being an ordinary dart. I’ve prepared it with something to make the creature sleep.
COMPO: What something? Does it work?
FOGGY: Listen who’s talking, does it work. No, don’t worry, I’ve seen the natives do this in the jungle.
D
ID YOU KNOW
?
In the opening episode, ‘Of Funerals And Fish’, Kathy Staff’s character, Nora Batty, referred to her husband as Harold, even though he later became Wally.
CLEGG:
(Unsure)
Yeah, they’ve got poisons growing in the jungle. What have you got?
FOGGY: The trained soldier learns to make do with whatever’s available. You have to use whatever comes to hand.
COMPO: All right, what is it that you soak the darts in that’s going to put it to sleep?
FOGGY: Well, if you must know, it’s Horlicks.
The
three men are reflecting on their married lives.
COMPO: It puzzles me how tha ever managed to get married in the first place.
CLEGG: Oh, it wasn’t the first place, it was the third or fourth. And even then she had to ask me. Having said that, she turned out quite well, really. I was never thereafter short of a change of vest. She used to warm my underwear, every Tuesday, on a clothes-horse in front of the fire. It’s amazing how close you get.
TRULY:
(Breaking the atmosphere)
The former Mrs Truelove was made of sterner stuff, until I rebelled and made her wash her own vests!
M
EMORIES
…
‘Frank Thornton was my first choice as Truly. I’d been having dinner with Trevor Bannister, a neighbour of mine, who was saying how sad it was the BBC didn’t repeat
Are You Being Served?
He mentioned how marvellous Frank was in it and that planted a thought in my mind. When Brian Wilde couldn’t do the show because of shingles, I invited Frank in. He was overwhelmed when I asked him to play the third man. Again, it was a different character, but Frank is a work-horse and has been in comedy long enough to know how to play it. He’s well loved by everybody.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘The theme tune is gorgeous. I didn’t want comedy music and Jimmy asked Ronnie Hazlehurst to write something; he came back with music which wasn’t right—we wanted something sweet and nice. Ronnie went away again and within a short time was back with this wonderful theme.’
ROY CLARKE