Last of The Summer Wine (4 page)
Nora and Wally are window shopping for ladieswear.
NORA: I like that one.
WALLY: Aye.
NORA: What do you mean, ‘Aye’?
WALLY: I mean, ‘OK, so you like that one, great’!
NORA: Do you like it?
WALLY: Do you care?
NORA: Of course I care, I’m not going to wear something if you don’t like it.
WALLY:
(Surprised)
Starting when?
NORA: Just tell me if you like it.
WALLY: Can I be honest?
NORA: Well, what’s the point of me asking you if you’re not going to be honest?
WALLY: Well, just remember that, and don’t change your mind.
NORA: Do you like it or do you not?
WALLY: I hate it!
Nora lashes out at Wally.
NORA: You cheeky monkey, you’re just being awkward.
WALLY:
(Terrified)
I like it, I like it!
NORA: I want your honest opinion, and you’d better get it right next time!
Wally has just arrived home on his motorbike when Nora comes outside to see where he’s been.
NORA: Oh, there you are. What have you done with my carpet shampooer. You go off without a word. Suppose you get killed, and there’s me with no carpet shampooer.
Wally can’t hear because he’s still wearing his helmet.
NORA: Why is he not listening to me?
(She hits him on top of the helmet)
Will you listen to me when I’m shouting at you!
WALLY: (Removes
helmet)
Good grief, woman, I thought we’d some tiles off.
M
EMORIES
…
‘I cast Michael Aldridge as Seymour. He had an eccentric look and was a wonderful actor with a brilliant sense of comedy. Roy had written the character as a retired headmaster of a dubious school. He had him living in a remote cottage on his own. We couldn’t find anywhere and were just about to give up, thinking that Roy would have to rewrite it with the character living in the town, like everyone else, when I spotted this boarded up cottage in the distance, not more than a mile from Holmfirth.
‘It was in the middle of a field owned by the Hepworth Iron Company who made pipes from clay in the land. We got permission to film, made the cottage look pretty again and even dug a duck pond. It looked serene in the programme but in reality was on the edge of the moor and the slightest wind was a gale up there.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
NORA: What have you done with my carpet shampooer? And don’t you take another step until you tell me where me carpet shampooer is.
WALLY: Seymour said he could fix it so I let him take it to fix it.
NORA: Have you no more sense?
‘G
ET OFF ME STEPS
.’ (N
ORA
)
WALLY: He said he could fix it. He should be able to, he invents things.
NORA: Aye, what he invents most are excuses when he can’t fix it.
(Wally puts his helmet on again)
And don’t put your helmet back on, you can’t hear me with your helmet on.
WALLY: I know. They cost a fortune, does a good helmet, but they’re worth every penny.
Clegg is contemplating the meaning of life.
CLEGG: Do you realise how fortunate it is that lips are at the front? I mean, if they were at the back, you’d never know what you were eating. On the other hand, they’d be ideally placed for kissing goodbye.
D
ID YOU KNOW
?
The 1981 Christmas Special, Whoops, beat
Gone With the Wind
in the ratings.
Howard and Marina cautiously emerge from some woods. They’re disappointed, but for different reasons.
HOWARD: I’m sorry I wasn’t able to show you the caterpillar of the woodmoth.
MARINA: It came as a bit of a disappointment to me, too.
‘T
HAT CLEARS YOUR CATARAH
.’ (C
OMPO
)
HOWARD: I felt sure once we’d got among the trees, I’d be able to put me hand almost straight on to one.
MARINA:
(Sticking her chest out)
It wouldn’t have come as any surprise to me!
M
EMORIES
…
‘The character Roy Clarke drew was outrageous but with a heart of gold. Marina evolved during the two summer seasons before I started on TV. Having a say in what she wore and how she looked, I opted for miniskirts and the brassy blonde style. Initially, though, the BBC costume department kitted me out with a low-cut red jumper and black skirt, but the following year, we went to Dorothy Perkins and bought miniskirts. A lot of her jackets, meanwhile, come from charity shops.
‘I receive lots of fan mail, particularly from older men who think Marina is the bee’s knees. But children, as young as nine, write saying how much they love the character.
‘I’ll never forget filming the episode, ‘The Treasure Of The Deep’. Howard and I had to fall out a rowing boat. We were terrified, especially as we were fully-clothed. A special effects’ man tipped the boat up from underneath. Robert hadn’t told me he couldn’t swim and was more scared than me; he ended up putting his hand on top my head, completely submerging me!
‘Unfortunately, we had to shoot the scene again, once our clothes were dry and my wig—we used three different ones over the 25 years—reset.’
JEAN FERGUSSON (Marina)
HOWARD: You know what the trouble with the world is?
MARINA: What’s the trouble with the world, Howard?
HOWARD: They wouldn’t really believe we came out here, looking for the caterpillar of the woodmoth.
MARINA:
(To herself, in frustration)
I know just how it feels!
Compo comments on Nora’s wrinkled stockings.
COMPO: Look at ’em—urgh, like a couple of Chinese lanterns.
Glenda and Barry are in their kitchen. Glenda has placed a chocolate éclair in front of Barry. Barry is in a state of shock after giving driving lessons to Edie.
GLENDA:
(Trying to be comforting)
It wasn’t anything personal.
BARRY: I’ve never heard a motor car whimper before.
GLENDA: I just thought, you know, fresh blood. No, forget I ever said that.
M
EMORIES
…
‘While appearing in J B Priestley’s comedy
When We Are Married
in Leatherhead, I wrote to about six light-comedy producers, one of them Alan Bell. He brought his family to see the show. He was looking for a Glenda and on the last night left a note asking me to see him—and I got the part. I’ll never forget my first day’s filming, though. I arrived, wearing beautiful white leather shoes and stepped out of a car into a big puddle.
‘Glenda was a weak child to begin with but has grown hugely in confidence; she’s showing signs of becoming like her mother, Edie, played by the late Thora Hird, who’d never allowed her to be modern. In fact, the show has always had an oldfashioned quality about it, which is one of its strengths.
‘I hit it off with Mike Grady, who plays Barry, from the beginning. We’ve got a strong screen partnership and I love our scenes together. I’ll never forget recording a breakfast scene for the episode, ‘Last Post And Pigeon’. Mike was supposed to eat a boiled egg but couldn’t break it open. Someone suggested using a knife but we did take after take—we were in hysterics. Eventually, he opened the egg but it whizzed across the room. But things like that happened—often the doors of Edie’s Triumph Herald would stick; even the steering wheel came off once!’
SARAH THOMAS (Glenda)
BARRY: I’ve heard a gearbox scream, but I’ve never heard one whimper—unless it was me?
GLENDA: Anyway, is me mam getting any better?
Barry looks distressed again.
GLENDA: Does that mean you’re not going again, Barry?
BARRY: I’m not, I’m not going again. Why did you send me?
GLENDA: Oh, it’s not easy being torn between your father and your husband.
BARRY: It’s not easy tearing between two lorries on Stackpool Street.
GLENDA: She didn’t?
BARRY: I had to close me eyes after that.
GLENDA: I always think how attractive you look with your eyes closed, Barry.
BARRY: You know, I’d do anything for you, except teach your mother to drive. Honest, Brenda.
GLENDA: The name’s Glenda, Barry, it’s always been Glenda. You’re a stranger, Barry. You won’t eat your éclair and you’re calling me Brenda.
Wesley has been summoned into the house by Edie.
EDIE: Now, wash your hands. I’ve run you some nice hot water—and don’t splash!
WESLEY: Don’t splash? Have you ever tried dabbling in water without splashing?
EDIE: Well, three people drowning wouldn’t spread it about worse than you.
WESLEY: What’s it all in aid of, anyway?
EDIE: All? All? I have asked you to get your hands clean, that is all. It’s not major surgery. You’ll be on your feet in no time.
M
EMORIES
…
‘Gordon Wharmby, as Wesley, was a great natural actor. When he came to see me, he’d done bits on TV, but when he read the script, he put so much character into his one line about bringing back a ladder. Impressed, I gave him another script, and although I’d already seen an actor in London for the Wesley part, I asked Gordon to read it. He made the scene very funny and real. He was a painter and decorator and had only done one-lines, but I took the chance and recruited him. He was word-perfect and got big laughs in front of the audience. Two years later, Roy brought him in as a regular character.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
WESLEY: I’m just in the middle of giving me engine a tune.
EDIE: Well, you can play to it later.
Clegg emerges from the Co-op, where Nora and Ivy had been fending off Compo.
CLEGG: I hate being caught between Ivy and Nora, you never know which way to panic.
‘T
O ME, TEAM
.’ (H
OBBO
)
Seymour, Clegg and Compo are devising a plan to smuggle Clem Hemmingway’s dog into his hospital ward. As the dog proves to be bad tempered, they call in at Barry and Glenda’s for a sedative. Barry is coming to terms with married life.
BARRY: I can hardly believe it happened, really. I find meself stopping in front of mirrors. I look at this bloke in the mirror, and I think: ‘That’s you, you fool. You’re married.’ And do you know what’s, what’s really weird? I haven’t got the first idea how it actually happened.
GLENDA:
(Enters room)
It happened because I have to make all the decisions for him.
(To Seymour)
We’ve got these travelsick pills. They make you feel dozy.
M
EMORIES
…
‘I was working in the theatre when Alan Bell offered me the part. He said Brian Wilde was leaving the show and he was bringing in a new family, with Thora Hird and Michael Aldridge. He wanted me to play the son-in-law. I thought it was a one-off appearance in a feature-length episode. How wrong I was.
‘The character was well written so it was obvious what was required. And I struck up a good working relationship with Sarah, who plays Glenda, and we never had a word of disagreement.
‘At one point, I was working on three series at once and it was hard keeping everything going: something had to give and that was
Summer Wine.
I left the show for a while but was pleased when, later, Alan invited me back.
‘I’ll never forget filming the episode, ‘Support Your Local Skydiver’, which involved a remote-controlled engine. In fact, a proper-sized engine had been placed on the chassis for the scene involving some of us opening the doors of Wesley’s garage and this vehicle creeping out. But when we did the scene, it flew out, nicking me, nearly hitting others and coming close to wrecking the camera before smashing into the wall of somebody’s house.’
MIKE GRADY (Barry)
SEYMOUR: Oh, they’ll be fine, dear, just the job.
GLENDA: At least, they made me feel dozy. Barry went to sleep.
BARRY: What’s so terrible about going to sleep?
GLENDA: We were on honeymoon!
Nora and Ivy are expressing their disapproval of one of the town’s women-folk.
NORA: Oh, it’s a dead giveaway. Show me an expensive hairstyle and I’ll show you somebody who’s no better than she should be.
‘T
HE FORMER
M
RS
T
RUELOVE
.’ (T
RULY
)
IVY: No.
NORA: I always think, tidy but unattractive is the soundest base for an unblemished reputation.
IVY:
(Takes a long look at Nora)
Got it cracked then, haven’t you?
Compo, Clegg and Seymour are on their way to a funeral.
COMPO: I think I’d like to be cremated.
SEYMOUR:
(Frustrated)
Oh, now he tells us, when he knows nobody’s got a match.
D
ID YOU KNOW
?
Last
of the Summer Wine
is the world’s longest running sitcom, having kicked off in 1973.
M
EMORIES
…
‘Michael Aldridge was a nice guy. He played a different character, not as popular as Foggy. which wasn’t his fault, it was mine because Seymour wasn’t as obvious a character. He was eccentric enough to appeal to me, but the character’s eccentricities weren’t as popular as Foggy’s. The same applies to Frank Thornton’s character, Truly. Again, his eccentricities weren’t as obvious as Foggy’s, so he was never going to be as instantly popular.’
ROY CLARKE
‘Over the years, Pearl has become more confident. She began as a nervous, worried little women but is increasingly outgoing and has developed a sense of humour. I love playing her. Filming in the Yorkshire countryside is lovely, too, although the show has introduced me to thermal vests and long johns—it can be freezing on those hills!’
JULIETTE KAPLAN (Pearl)