Laughing Gas (26 page)

'Was that the one you were telling us about Tuesday?' asked Eddie.

'The one about Public Enemy Number Thirteen?' asked Fred.

'Sure, that's the one,' said George, 'and it's a pippin.'

'You bet it's a pippin,' said Eddie.

'That's just about what it is,' said Fred.

I finished my pancake.

'It's good, is it?' I said.

'I'll say it's good,' said George.

'I'll say it's good,' said Eddie.

'I'll
say it's good,' said Fred.

'I expect it's good,' I said.

'Listen
!'
said George, in a sort of ecstasy. 'Listen, kid. Get a load of this, and see if it's not like mother makes. There's this gangster that's been made Public Enemy Number Thirteen - see - and he's superstitious - see -and he feels he won't never have any luck just so long as he's got this Thirteen hoodoo - see - so what does he do?'

'Get this, kid,' said Eddie.

'Get this, kid,' said Fred.

They were leaning forward, their beards twitching with excitement.

'He's too kind-hearted to go shooting up one of the Public Enemies that's higher on the list, though he knows that if he does that'll make him Public Enemy Number Twelve.
...'

'I see it as a Lionel Barrymore part,' said Eddie.

'Warner Baxter’
said Fred.

'Bill Powell,' said George curtly, putting them both in their places. 'So he gets an idea for pulling a play that'll put the Government wise to how good he is, so's maybe they might even promote him to Number One or Two, and here's the idea. Him and his gang get on a liner that's carrying a lot of gold across to the other side, and they hold up the captain and the officers and take charge of the ship and steer for the coast of South America, and when they're there they're going to blow the boat up and escape into the interior with the gold. See?'

I didn't want to damp the chap, but I had to point out a flaw. I mean, after all, that's what these story conferences are for.

'I don't think you need be discouraged,' I said. 'I can see you've got an idea. But you haven't worked it out.' George bridled.

'How do you mean? What's wrong with that ship sequence?'

'You get your comedy there,' said Eddie. 'You'd make the captain a comedy type. I see Charles Butterworth.'

'Joe Cawthorne,' said Fred.

'Edward Everett Horton,' said George.

'Where's your love interest?' I asked quietly.

The question plainly rattled them. George scratched his chin, Eddie and Fred their left cheek and head respectively.

'Love interest?' said George. He brightened. 'Well, how does this strike you? Coast of South America, girl swimming out to the anchored ship. The air is heavy with the exotic perfume of the tropics
...'

'Flamingoes,' suggested Eddie deferentially.

'Sure,' said George. 'Flamingoes. The air is heavy with the exotic scent of the tropics and a cloud of pink flamingoes drifts lazily across the sky, and there's this here now prac'lly naked girl swimming out to —'

I shook my head.

'Too late,' I said. 'By the time you get to South America, you're in your fourth reel.' George banged die table.

'Well, hell,' he said, 'never mind about the love in- terest '

'You've got to have the heart-throb,' I insisted. 'No, you haven't, not if your story's strong enough. Look at
All Quiet on the Western Front.'
'Yeah,' said Eddie. 'And
Skippy.'

'Yeah,' said Fred. 'And
The Lost Patrol.
How much do you think that one grossed?'

'I still maintain that you must have a love interest.'

'Don't you worry about love interest,' said George. 'Let's get on to where you blow in. These gangsters scuttle the ship - see - and they get off in the boat - see - same as in
Mutiny on the Bounty
- see - and, well, sir —'

'Well, sir —' said Eddie.

'Well, sir,' said George, 'supposing that in this boat there's a little bit of a golden-haired boy - cute
..."
'Ah,' said Fred.

'Get the idea?' said George, rising. 'Is that good, or is it good? Hey, Fred, Eddie, come on over here. Squat down on this rug. Lookut, kid. The rug's the boat, and there's nobody in it but just the gangsters and you. See? And they fall for you.'

'They
love
you,' said Eddie.

'Ah,' said Fred.

'That's what they do,' said George. 'They love you. And there's only just so much food and water, so the gangsters push each other overboard so's you will have enough
...'

'Until —' said Eddie.

'There's only —' said Fred.

'Until,' said George, 'there's only you and Public

Enemy Number Thirteen left.' 'And get this, kid,' said Eddie. 'Who —' 'Yes, get this, kid,' said Fred. 'Who do you think —' 'Yes, tilt up your ears for the big smash, kid,' said

George. 'Who do you
think Public Enemy Number Thir
teen turns out to be? Just your long-lost father. That's all. Nothing but that. Maybe that ain't a smacko? There's a locket you're wearing round your neck - see —'

'And this bozo takes a slant at it while you're asleep -see —'

'And,' said George, 'it's yessir sure enough the picture of the dead wife he loved
...'

At this point I interrupted the story conference.

'Hands up!
' I cried, pointing the pistol which George, the silly juggins, had left lying by his cup. 'Hands up, you frightful bounders
!'

Chapter 25

I
don't
know when I've seen three bearded blokes so thoroughly taken aback. And I wasn't surprised. I don't know much about kidnappers, but I imagine it can't be often that they have their victim turning round on them and putting them on the spot like this. To George, Eddie, and Fred, you could see that this had come as a totally new experience. They scrambled to their feet and stood gaping.

Fred was the first to speak.

'Hey!' he cried. 'Be careful what you're doing with that gat!'

'Didn't your mother teach you it's dangerous to point guns at people?' asked Eddie, a bit severely.

And George wanted to know if this was any way to act. Was that, he demanded, a system?

All this shook me a good deal, of course. I found it hard to meet their reproachful eyes. A minute before, I mean to say, we had been all pals together, and I could not deny that I was bursting with their pancakes. In a way, it was a bit as if the guest of honour at a civic banquet had risen in his place and started throwing plates. One felt the same sense of social strain.

But I crushed down the momentary weakness and was firm again.

'I don't care,' I said. 'You shouldn't have kidnapped me. It's a dashed low trick, kidnapping people. Ask anybody.' They seemed stunned. George particularly. 'But wasn't you told?' he said. 'Told what?'

'Wised up, George means,' explained Eddie. 'Wised up that this was
all sim'ly a publicity stunt.' ‘
What!'

'One of those press gags’
said George. 'The lady came to us —' 'What lady?'

'We never got her name, but she says: "I'm representing this big star —" see —' 'What big star?'

'We never got her name, either. But it seems where the lady that come to us is the press agent for some big star and she wants us to snatch you - see - and hide you away somewheres - see - and then just as all the mothers in America is running around in circles and saying: "Oh, Hell I Can no one save our darling boy?" this big star's going to come along and rescue you - see - and that'll put her on the front page.'

I smiled a cynical smile. I wasn't
going
to swallow bilge like that. I may be an ass, but I'm not a silly ass.

'Ha!' I said. 'A likely story!
'

'It's true,' insisted Eddie. 'See that's wet, see that's dry
...'
I smiled again. 'Perfect rot, my dear chap.' 'But —'

'If this was just a press stunt, why didn't you simply ask me in a quiet and civil manner to come along with you, instead of soaking me to the gills in your beastly chloroform?'

George looked at Fred reproachfully.

'There! You see
!'

Eddie looked at Fred reproachfully, too. 'You see! There!'

'I knew that chloroform of yours would get us into trouble,' said George.

Fred's beard drooped. You could see he felt his position acutely. He muttered something about technique.

'I don't believe a single dashed word,' I said. 'You talk about this press agent and you don't know her name, and you talk about this star and you don't know her name either. I never heard anything so bally thin in my life.

No,' I said, summing up, 'what the thing boils down to is this - you're simply a lot of low twerps who kidnapped me in order to cash in, and you can jolly well march out of this room into the cellar, if you've got a cellar, after which I shall telephone to the constabulary and lodge a complaint.'

This got in amongst them. It isn't easy to be sure, when fellows are bearded to the eyebrows, but I rather think they blenched.

'No, say, don't do that,' urged George.

'You wouldn't do that,' pleaded Eddie.

'Yes, I would,' I said. 'And I'm dashed well going to.'

'What, after all those pancakes?' said George.

'Pancakes have nothing to do with it,' I snapped testily, for I knew that I was on thin ice there. I could see that, in a sense, I was outraging the sacred laws of hospitality, which, as everyone knows, is a rotten sort of thing to do, and, if persisted in, gets one cut by the County. I changed my mind about telephoning the police. I preserved unimpaired the austerity of my demeanour, but inwardly I decided that after I had shut them up in the cellar I would just go off and call it a day.

Not being able to read my thoughts, however, these blighters continued to be in a twitter.

'Gee! 'said Eddie.

'Gosh
!'
said Fred.

'If he does phone the cops,' said George, 'you know what will happen?' 'Gosh
!'
said Fred. 'Gee!' said Eddie.

'I'll tell you what'll happen,' said George. 'We'll be left to take the rap. The dame that hired us - see - is going to swear she never did no such thing - see - and then where'll we be? In the cooler, facing a kidnapping charge.'

'Gee!
' said Fred.

'Gosh
!'
said Eddie.

They paused a while in thought.

'Seems to me,' said George, 'one of us had best rush him and get that gun away.'

'That's right,' said Fred. 'You rush him, Eddie.'

'You rush him, George,' said Eddie.

'You rush him, Fred,' said George. 'Or, listen, we'll do it perfectly fair, so's there won't be any complaints. We'll count out. Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a nigger by the toe, tiddly-iddly-umpty-whatever-it-is
...
You're it, Fred.'

'Snap into it, Fred,' said Eddie.

'Yes, no sense in wasting time,' said George. 'Make one of those quick springs of yours.' 'Like a leopard,' said Eddie. 'Yes, say, I know, but listen,' said Fred. At this tense moment a voice spoke. 'What is all this?'

April June was standing in the doorway.

Chapter 26

I
t
was a nasty shock.
I
think if
I
hadn't been so full of pancakes,
I
should have tottered.
I
decided to take a firm line from the start.

'Stand back, woman,'
I
cried.
'I
am armed
!'

Her agitation seemed to equal mine.

'You lit
tl
e bonehead,' she said feverishly, 'what do you think you're doing? Haven't you any sense? At any moment my press agent will be here with the reporters and camera men, and what sort of a rescue party is it going to be if they find you carrying on in this way? And haven't you any sense?' she proceeded, turning to George and Eddie and Fred with gleaming eyes. 'My press agent tells me that sh
e explained most carefully exactl
y what you were to do, and here you are, simply fooling about. The reporters aren't supposed to find you romping with the child. He ought to be tied to a chair and you ought to be menacing him with threats. The first thing the camera men will want is a shot of him tied up and you menacing him with threats and me standing there with the gun?'

'But, lady,' said George. 'Pardon me, lady, are you the lady the lady said was the lady she was press agent for? The big star?'