Laughing Gas (31 page)

'Of course I said "darling".'

I continued to grope.

'But you don't love me, do you, by any chance?' 'Of course I love you, you silly ass.' 'But at Cannes you said —' 'Never mind about Cannes.'

'And just now
—'

'And never mind about just now.'

I got right down to it.

'But do you mean - I just want to check up my facts -do you mean you
will
marry me, after all?' 'Of course I'll marry you.' 'Good egg
I'

'Do you think I'm going to let you run around loose after this? I don't care if you are just marrying me out of pity and - and charity.'

I said something about pity and charity so crisp and incisive and so wholly unfitted for the delicate ears of woman that even in the midst of her emotion she gave a little startled jump. Then I began to speak.

You've probably had the experience of taking the cork out of a bottle of champagne and seeing the liquid come frothing out. Well, at this juncture it was as if I had been the said bot. and someone had uncorked me. I opened my mouth, and out it all came. I'm not much of a flier at molten eloquence, as a rule, but I managed it now. I cut loose with everything I had. I never paused for a word. I said this and that and so on and so forth, at the same time kissing her a good deal.

And then, right plumb spang in the midst of my ecstasy, if that's the word - at the very moment, in fact, when I was kissing her for the forty-fifth time - a chilling thought intruded - viz., that, now that we had got everything fixed up on this solid basis, she would, of course, expect me to return to Hollywood with her, there to put in train the preparations for the forthcoming nuptials.

Hollywood, mind you, where the police, I presumed, were even now spreading a drag-net and combing the city for me.

How the dickens was I to explain that I must now leave her and push on to Chillicothe, Ohio?

I mean to say, what reason could I give? How could I make plausible this sudden passionate desire to go to Chillicothe, Ohio? It would mean issuing a statement, after all. In which event, she would most certainly think I was looney and break off the match in case it was catching.

And then I saw the way. I must say that I didn't like the idea of a kid of Joey Cooky's tender years going all that way alone. It would sound thin, of course, but
...

I became aware that she was speaking.

'Eh?' I said.

A slight whiffle of impatience escaped her. The old Ann.

'Haven't you been listening?' 'Awfully sorry. My attention wandered a bit.' 'Well, do listen, my precious imbecile fathead, because it's important. It's about young Joseph.' 'Oh, yes?'

'Something has just occurred to me. He's such a child. I don't really think he ought to make that long journey all alone. So
—'

My heart gave a leap like a salmon in spawning time.

'You want me to go with him?'

'Would you?'

'Rather
!'

The air seemed full of pealing bells. I was saved. No tedious explanations.
...
No issuing of statements
...
no breaking off of the match on account of lunacy of one of the contracting parties
...

I kissed her a good deal more.

'You're an angel, Reggie,' she said. 'I don't know how many men who would be so unselfish and put themselves out like this.'

'Not at all,' I said. 'Not at all.'

'I think you ought to get away as soon as possible.'

So did
I, I
kissed her again.

'And then you could come back to Hollywood
—'
'No,' I said. 'I'll meet you in New York.' 'Why?' 'I'd rather.'

'Perhaps it would be better.'

'Much better.'

I kissed her again, bringing the total, I should say, about up to the level hundred. Then, hand in hand, we walked down the lane, guided by the scent of frying sausages which told me that Eggy had not overestimated his culinary skill and that little Joey Cooley was busy victualling up against the new day
.