Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (16 page)

“I’ve
pissed you off haven’t I? Leaving this morning. I’m so sorry, saffy. I just-”

“Did
you get the order sorted or whatever it was Mick asked you to do?”

“Um
yeah. I hung around a little while to re-stock behind the bar then I got a
mother of a migraine and came home to sleep it off.”

“That
must be why you were gone when I got to the pub.” Jared’s expression fell from
his face and was replaced by a look of stark alarm. “Less than an hour after
you left my place.”

“He
told you didn’t he?” he murmured shamefully before slumping down onto the sofa.

“Why
didn’t
you
, Jared? Why did you think
that was something I didn’t deserve to know about?”

“Because
it’s no big deal,” he griped, seeming altogether frustrated as he ripped his
fingers through his hair.

“No
big
deal
? Are you fucking kidding me?
Jared – this is your
health
we’re
talking about. It needs sorting. You can’t just keep ignoring this!”

“I
don’t need anything sorting. It’ll go on its own eventually.”

“And
how do you know that? You sneak off to Uni and get a doctorate in medical
science you’re not telling me about?”

“Don’t
get smart on me, Rach. I’ve Googled it.”

“
Google
? Seriously? Jesus Christ, Jared…”
I breathed out, growing agitated. “You might not even need to see a stranger,
if that’s even your issue. Your parents are doctors right?”

“My
parents will
not
find out about this.
Do you hear me, Rach? You’ll tell no one about this.”

“Oh
will I not?” Who the fuck did he think he was barking orders at.

“Please,
Rachel. I don’t want them knowing.”

“What’s
your problem, Jared? I’m really struggling to understand here. You break a
bone, you go to the hospital. You get an infection, you go to the doctor and
get a prescription. How is this any different? What are you afraid of?”

“Because
I don’t WANT this! Okay? I don’t want anything confirming. I don’t want to
spend my life on medication. I don’t
want
them to take my driving licence from me and leave me dependant on other
people and other means. And I sure as hell don’t want anyone looking or
treating me differently.

“And
that
is why I couldn’t tell you this!
I look at you and everything you deal with everyday. You face a thousand
challenges in every twenty-four hour period and you adapt – you manage…
you
cope.
People stare at you, they
treat you different – I’ve seen it. But you plod on – you see past
it. Well I can’t, Rach! I don’t want that for me! And I don’t need pointing out
what a selfish bastard that makes me when you deal with it every single fucking
day. And you know what? I’m so proud of you. But me? I’m weak, Rach. I can’t
deal with that shit.”

“But…
people can
see
what’s wrong with me.
No one needs to know about your illness if you don’t want them to. I’m sorry,
Jared but you’re making excuses. You can’t put my disability in the same
category as yours.”

“I
know that,” he said solemnly. “And that’s why I don’t expect you to understand,
and why I feel like such an arrogant fucker for comparing it. But whatever you
might think, it
does
make me weaker.
It makes me vulnerable. If people find out they take advantage. I’m not risking
that. I won’t.”

“Are
you talking about the night Mick found you beat up outside the pub? Because
that could’ve happened to anyone. There are all kinds of malicious twats out
there, Jaz. The chances of that happening again are close to none.”

“Wow,”
he breathed – laughing sardonically. “Had a right good gossip about me
didn’t he?”

“Oh
don’t be so obtuse. He’s fucking worried about you! We’re going to make you an
appointment with a doctor and we’re going to get this thing treated.”

“No.”

“No?
What the fuck do you mean, ‘no’?”

“I
mean, I deal with it well enough on my own. I’m not making any appointment,
Rachel.”

“Are
you seriously that fucking selfish?”

“
Selfish
? This has nothing to do with
you! Or anyone else. It’s
my
problem
and I’ll cope with it however I damn well choose.”

“Nothing
to do with me? Seriously? What about this baby in here, eh?” I barked, rubbing
my belly. “Nothing to do with her either? So it won’t affect her if her daddy
has some kind of seizure while he’s out driving and runs himself off the road
and into a fucking tree? Or what if she’s in the car with you huh? You kill the
pair of you.
That
nothing to do with
me either?”

“You’re
being dramatic. I get warnings. I’m careful.”

“And
how do you know it’ll always be like that? You don’t even know what it is
you’re dealing with. So you can
not
tell
me there won’t be a time when you
don’t
get
a warning. You’re going to be a father, Jared. I just can’t believe you would
choose to be so selfish and irresponsible, and I’m not going to stand by and
watch you put yourself in so much danger.”

“What’s
that supposed to mean?” he asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on top
of his knees.

“It
means… if you don’t get help with this then I’m gone.” Fuck that stung. I
hadn’t even planned to say it but the second it passed my lips I knew it was
the only option. “I can’t sit at home knowing you’re out driving and worrying
whether you’re going to come home to us or not.”

“You
don’t mean that. You’re being ridiculous. Eight years, Rach. I’ve been dealing
with this for
eight
years!”

“You’ve
been
lucky
for eight years. You
shouldn’t be driving, Jared.”

“Bollocks.
I know what I’m capable of and I won’t have some stupid illness dictate what I
can and can’t do.”

“So
you’re really going to let your stubbornness ruin this? Ruin
us?
”

“That
won’t happen. I told you I would make you trust me and I will. This doesn’t
change anything.”

Shaking
my head and blinking away the threat of tears, I started wheeling towards the
door.

“Whoa,
where are you going?” he asked in a panic, jumping to his feet and grabbing
hold of my shoulder.

“I
meant what I said, Jared. Give me a call if you ever manage to prize your head
out of your arse.”

“Rachel
wait,” he said when I began to move away from him. “Please! You’re blowing this
all out of proportion!”

“No,
Jared. What I’m doing is putting our baby first. She needs a daddy who’d do
anything to make sure he’s there for her when she grows up. Someone who puts
her
before his own fears. When you’re
prepared to be that man, we’ll talk some more.”

And
with that, I carried on my way towards the lift and left. I heard a heavy sigh
escape his body but he didn’t come after me. As I made my way home, fighting
against the urge to cry the whole way, waves of fear rippled through my body…
what if he never came after me? What if this was it?

Turning
my key in the lock of my front door, I opened my eyes and let my tear banks
burst. I don’t think I stopped crying until I finally fell asleep on the sofa
God knows how many hours later.

Rachel

Four
days. That’s how long it’d been since I
last saw Jared. I didn’t hear from him at all until the morning after I left.
He tried calling but I ignored it, so then he started texting. Not once did he
say what I needed him to – that he would get the help he needs, so I
ignored those too. I did text him yesterday however to let him know I have a
doctor’s appointment next week. He replied saying he would be there, which is
fine by me. I would never stop him from being involved with our baby.

My
morning deliveries of rose petals have stopped. Most likely because I shoved
them back in the delivery guy’s face two days ago and told him if he ever
brought me any more I would shove the box up his arse sideways. Poor sod looked
mortified. He was in the right place but at the wrong time I guess. But I’m
pretty certain he won’t dare bring me flowers of any kind again.

I
had a day off Uni today, which technically I was supposed to use to study, but
instead I decided to go shopping. I contemplated texting Holly to come too, but
then decided I’d rather be alone to wallow in peace. I’d just slung my bag over
my shoulder when it came – the call. The phone call it felt like I’d been
waiting for forever.

Pulling
my phone from my bag, the name ‘Emily’ flashed up on the screen. I stared at it
for a few seconds while I tried to decide whether or not to answer. What would
I say to her after all this time? She’d been ignoring me for weeks and I was
royally pissed off with her. But in the same breath, I missed her. I
needed her.
Yet I couldn’t expect her to
be there for me with everything she had going on in her own life could I?

When
I eventually caved and swiped across the screen to answer, I genuinely didn’t
know how I was going to react to the sound of her voice until I heard it.

“Hello?”
Turned out it was going to go along the lines of me coming across as a complete
bitch. I never greeted Em with ‘hello’. She has always been my ‘ho’ and I knew
just that one little word – hello – would alert her to the fact I
was angry. And I
was
angry… and hurt…
and in desperate need of a cuddle from her.

“I um, just wanted to let you know I was
back. I’m staying with Chris for a while until I get my head together.”

“So how long have you been back?” I asked,
knowing damn well she’d been back for weeks.

“Not long.” How did things go so wrong
between us? Emily is so much more than my best friend. She is like my sister
– my
family.
And yet here she
was,
lying
to me.

“Really?” I questioned sceptically. “Two
months seems a pretty long time to me.”

“You knew?”

“Chris called me,” was all I said. I wanted
to cry from missing the sound of her voice so much but my stubbornness wouldn’t
let me push past the frustration I felt with her.

“Oh.” An uncomfortable silence that seemed
to last three weeks and a day passed between us before Emily finally muttered,
“I’m sorry.”

“So you know how long you’ll be up north?
Or do I need to start looking for a new flatmate?”

I was being a bitch and I knew it. But I
needed her and she wasn’t here, and there was no one else to take it out on.

“Please don’t be like that. I’m sorry,
Rach. I really am.”

“I’m not being like anything, Emily. I
can’t afford the rent on my own. I couldn’t even afford to go out for my
birthday last week.”

The
birthday you forgot…

And yeah, maybe I skipped the part where
Jared took me out on purpose to make her feel bad for forgetting.

“Crap, Rach I’m so sorry. I completely
forgot.”

No
shit, Columbo…

“I’m over it,” I said emotionlessly – even though inside,
I felt so many different, overwhelming emotions it was making me dizzy.

“Please Rachel. I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch but I can’t
bear the thought of you hating me for it. You’re my best friend. I love you and
I need you right now.”

“Yeah? Well I needed
you
too.
You’re not the only one with shit going on you know.”

“I’m
sorry. I suppose I thought you were doing okay because you had Jared now.”

“Yeah
well, that’s going nowhere. I’m pretty sure he’s screwing around on me and hey,
who can blame him?” What the fuck did I say that for? Seriously, I have no
idea. I suppose selfishly, I wanted her to know I was in a bad place, but
didn’t have the balls to admit why.

“No!
He wouldn’t do that to you. He’s a good guy. And what do you mean who could
blame him?”

“Forget
it. I’m over that too. Look I gotta go. Let me know if you ever plan on coming
back in case I need to make room for you.”

“Rachel
please…”

“Bye,
Emily.”

And
then I hung up on her. For the first time in our lives as best friends, I cut
her off. Then, for the millionth time in the last few days, I put my head in my
hands and bawled like a baby.

**********

I
didn’t much feel like shopping after speaking to Emily, so I stayed at home and
moped instead. I contemplated calling her back, apologising and telling her how
much I missed her – even went as far as picking up my phone and hovering
my finger over her name. But… I backed out. Every damn time. Whether it was
anger, pig-headedness or just pure cowardice I’ll probably never know.

It
was late in the afternoon when I decided to give up being conscious and take
myself to bed. If I was asleep I wouldn’t be miserable. I took a long shower
first, letting the water wash over my tired skin until it ran cold. Then I
changed into my cupcake nighty and pulled back my duvet…only to be interrupted
by a knock at the front door.

“Oh
fuck off,” I muttered to myself, not knowing or caring who it was. But then
came his voice…

“Rach?”
Jared called. His voice was clear and so I could tell he was shouting through
the letterbox. “Please, Rachel – I have something to show you!”

“Unless
it’s a doctor’s appointment card I’m not interested!” I yelled back, making my
way back into the living room so I could hear him better. He didn’t shout back,
choosing to ring my phone instead. My phone was stuffed into the cup of my bra
– what? It makes a perfect pocket - so, I plucked it out and swiped
across the screen to answer, but didn’t speak.

“Rachel,”
he breathed, exhaling in what I imagined was relief that I answered. “We can’t
go on like this. I love you. More than anything. We have to talk about this!”

“I
love you too, Jared. Which is why I can’t stand to live the rest of my life
worrying about you!”

“But
you don’t need to worry! I wish you could see that I’ve got this under control.
I promise you, baby. I told you I would prove to you how much you mean to me
– that you could trust me. I meant it, Rachel. Which is why if you come
to your window, you’ll see for yourself.”

Wheeling
myself to the window, I took a deep breath before I opened the curtains. I know
Jared, which means I know he has the thought process of a fifteen year old
sometimes.
This should be interesting…

Peeling
back the beige drapes, my eyes were met with a naked arse pressed up against
the glass.

“What
the…”
A tattoo?
Jared had gotten a
tattoo. Right in the centre of his left arse cheek. Granted, it was a glorious
looking cheek, but seriously?

“That’s
your way of proving I can trust you?” I blared. “A fucking
tattoo
?”

“It’s
a saffron flower,” he announced like that would make complete sense to me and I
would open my door and kiss him.

“I
can see that,” I replied, unable to stare at anything except the vivid purple
flower etched into the fleshy skin still pressed against my window. “Pull your
pants up before someone sees you!”

“I
will if you let me in,” he bartered, craning his neck to look at me through the
glass.

“Fine!
Just cover yourself up!”

He
was still in the process of doing up his zipper when I opened the door to him.

“What
the hell, Jared?” It wasn’t really a question. More… exasperation.

“You
mean
everything
to me, Rachel,” he
began, following me over to the sofa. I hitched myself over onto it and Jared
sat down beside me. “You’re my saffy. Forever. Just like the tattoo.”

“The
tattoo on your
arse.
You know most
people would go for across the heart if they were trying to make a good
impression.”

“But
that’s not us, saffy. We didn’t get together through hearts and flowers. We
were mates first. We were all about the fun. Being carefree, laughing together,
living in the moment. You will always have my heart and I will buy out every
florist in the south if it shows you how much I love you, but I don’t ever want
that to change. I don’t ever want us to be taken over by all the soppy shit.
You’re my best friend, Rach. My wacky and wonderful best friend and I want it
to stay that way above everything else.”

“This
isn’t about proving you love me. I
know
you
do.”

“Then
what is it about?”

“You
know damn well the answer to that!” I snapped at him.

“You
don’t know what you’re asking of me, Rach. I can’t… I can’t do it.”

“No,
Jared. You
won’t
do it. I’ve thought
about nothing else this past few days and I really don’t think I’m being
unreasonable wanting you to be well again.”

“I
am
well. You’re overreacting.”

“BULLSHIT!
What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m
scared alright?” he barked, jumping to his feet and ripping his fingers through
his hair. “I’m fucking terrified!”

“Jared,”
I said, my anger melting. “Sit back down. I’m here. You don’t need to be scared
of anything.”

“I
can’t do what you’re asking,” he said firmly, shaking his head.

“You
can. Because I’ll be with you. It’s not a big deal. Thousands of people go through
it. A few pills, Jared… that’s probably all it will take and you’ll never have
to go through it again. Isn’t that what you want?”

“Look
I’ll think about it, okay? That’s all I can give you right now. Please, you
have to stop pushing me!”

“No.
It’s not okay! We’re having a baby, Jared. We have a few months to get
ourselves sorted and ready for that. Or have you forgotten that part?”

“Of
course I haven’t forgotten! I’ve never been so damn happy about anything in my
life.”

“Then
why are you keeping this up? I get it – you’re afraid. But it’s time to
grow the fuck up and put this baby before your own feelings dammit!”

Jared
fixed his eyes onto a small stain in the carpet. They were reddening around the
edges and they took longer to open with each blink he took.

“You
know what, Jared. Just… go home.”

“No.
I’m not leaving until you tell me we’re going to be okay.”

“We
are
going to be okay. I know we are
because I know you’ll do the right thing. I know you love me, Jared and that’s
why I know once you realise you’re not alone with this anymore, you’ll find the
courage to get the help you need.”

“Rach
I can’t promise y-”

“Go
home, Jared. Go home and
think
. Find
the strength you need and then come and find me.”

“Rachel
I-”

“Go.”

Nodding
solemnly, he backed up towards the door.

“If
that’s what you want.”

“No,
Jared. I
want
you. I want our baby. I
want those things without this fear looming over us. And I know once you sit
down and think about it, I mean
really
think
instead of plotting stupid ways to prove a point, then I’ll get that.
We
will get that.”

“I
hope so,” he murmured unsurely.

“I
know
so.”