Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada (2 page)

THEY WALK ON.

****************

MAKING ECONOMIES

ADA'S KITCHEN. ADA IS DOING THE IRONING. THERE IS A TAP ON THE DOOR AND CISSIE COMES IN CARRYING A FRYING PAN.

CISSIE:

It's only me Ada, love.

ADA:

Oh it's you Cissie. I was just ironing my smalls.

CISSIE:

I was wondering if you could help me out, only they've turned my electric off while they're putting my new cooker in. It's Italian you know, to match my Dilusso fitted units. Rather apt when you come to think of it because Leonard and I are into Italian cuisine. Veal Napolitano, that sort of thing. I cook several at once and pop them in the freezer.

ADA:

Fancy.

CISSIE:

Last night we had a frozen risotto.

ADA:

Ours used to do that regular until Bert lagged the pipes. He made a lovely job of it with the stuffing from an old duvet and a pair of leg warmers.

CISSIE:

I didn't realise your Bert was into do-it-yourself?

ADA:

Well the council won't do anything will they. Won't lift a finger that lot. I'm fed up with complaining about that hole in our bedroom ceiling, it snowed last night and me and Bert woke up in a drift.

CISSIE:

Oh I wouldn't be putting up with that.

ADA:

It's scandalous, Cissie. Bert spent most of the morning digging out the jerry. Then he had to grit round the bed before I got out because you know what I'm like on snow, with my legs. So you're having a new cooker fitted? Electric is it?

CISSIE:

Yes, I've always sworn by electric. I've always found it more economical.

ADA:

Well it can't be dearer than gas because I just can't keep up with my gas bills. That oven of mine uses more gas than a Zeppelin. You want to see them dials going round on my meter, it looks like the tote on Derby Day. Do you know what my bill was for the last quarter? Seventy three pounds.

CISSIE:

Yes but then there are appliances on your gas bill aren't there.

ADA:

No, Bert got his truss off the National Health.

CISSIE:

You see it bumps up you're bill if you're paying for things like gas fires and such. And of course they do make a standing charge.

ADA:

They can make a cavalry charge if they like, I'm not paying it. I've used nothing like that much gas, I've cut right down. Me and Bert have even started bathing together to save on hot water.

CISSIE:

Oh I say, that's a bit
risqué
.

ADA:

It's damn risky. It's the last time I let him loose with a loofah I can tell you. I make him use a flannel now.

CISSIE:

Well there's nothing wrong with that I suppose, as long as you keep him away from the erogenous zones.

ADA:

Well we're not keen on holidays abroad. Anyway what can I do for you chuck?

CISSIE:

I was wondering if I could use your cooker to finish off this dish I'm making for Leonard's tea.
Coq au vin
. Have you ever tried
coq au vin
?

ADA:

No but I once let a Italian put his hand up my jumper on the back seat of his Fiat.

CISSIE:

Honestly Ada, you really are pig ignorant.
Coq au vin
is French for chicken in wine. And I'd like to finish it off on your cooker if you don't mind.

ADA:

Well you can if you want but I don't think you'll have much joy.

CISSIE:

Well I am used to the convenience of electric of course, but I can work miracles on a gas cooker.

ADA:

You'll need to, they've cut my gas off.

CISSIE:

Oh Ada, love. When did this happen?

ADA:

Yesterday. I was just about to bake a pie for Bert with the rhubarb he's grown in the back garden.

CISSIE:

My Leonard's rhubarb is quite something this year. He puts manure on it.

ADA:

Bert prefers custard on his.

CISSIE:

So how are you managing to cook if they've cut your gas off? I suppose you and Bert could have a gazpacho.

ADA:

Yes but you can't live on love alone, so I thought I'd do kippers.

CISSIE:

And how are you proposing to heat them up?

TWO KIPPERS POP UP OUT OF THE TOASTER.

ADA:

Where there's a will there's a way.

CISSIE:

Well if you want my opinion your mind should be on more important things than feeding your Bert. You should be thinking about how you're going to get yourself out of this financial crisis you've managed to get yourself in.

ADA:

Well don't think I don't try to economise, Cissie. I mean I haven't been near a butcher's shop for weeks. The last time we saw red meat in this house was when we were watching the racing on the telly and Lester Piggott used the whip. I've tried everything. I even bake the canary's seeds so they're harder for it to crack. Do you know something Cissie, I can't even afford a new piece of sandpaper for the bottom of the canary's cage, and you know how they get.

CISSIE:

Well have you tried to budget?

ADA:

Yes, I've even had a wallpaper scraper on it but there's just no shifting it, it's stuck solid.

CISSIE:

Well we can't have you without gas, that's for sure. (PRODUCES HER PURSE, OPENS IT) So I'll lend you the money. Seventy three pounds wasn't it?

ADA:

Oh I couldn't, Cissie.

CISSIE:

Don't be so daft, what are friends for. You can let me have it back when you're on your feet. Here you are. (HANDS ADA THE MONEY)

ADA:

Bless you, Cissie.

CISSIE:

And mind you keep it away from your Bert. Have you got a safe place to keep it, away from his clutching hands?

ADA:

Yes. (SHE PICKS UP THE KNICKERS SHE HAS BEEN IRONING AND PUTS THE MONEY IN THEM)

CISSIE:

You call that a safe place from Bert?

ADA:

It will be when I've put them on.

***************

CHRISTMAS

ADA'S LIVING ROOM. THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTY. CISSIE AND ADA, WEARING PARTY HATS, ARE TIDYING UP.

ADA:

That's the trouble with having a Christmas party isn't it Cissie, all the tidying up after.

CISSIE:

What say we take a break then?

ADA:

Well just for a few minutes, because I really must find Bert's teeth, he'll be lost without them, the last time he lost them he could only suck rusks until they turned up and there was no living with him.

THEY SIT DOWN ON THE SETTEE.

CISSIE:

Well I must say you did yourself proud tonight Ada, love. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves at any rate. And the food was excellent, I couldn't fault it.

ADA:

Thank you, Cissie.

CISSIE:

I thought your vol-au-vents really stuck out.

ADA:

Yes it's this new bra. It both lifts and separates - after a bit of a struggle.

CISSIE:

It's marvellous what technology can do nowadays, isn't it. You know they do say that the modern bra is based on the cantilever.

ADA:

I could have done with a tyre lever.

CISSIE:

I don't suppose there's any drink left?

ADA:

Only that home-made sherry that Bert made.

CISSIE:

Ah, the golden nectar of old Jerez.

ADA:

No he brewed it in a bucket. Would you like a drop?

CISSIE:

Well I wouldn't say no because I've always been partial to a drop of sherry. Such a refined drink I've always thought. Yet at the same time there's something about it that gives it an almost aphrodisiac quality.

ADA:

Yes it gives me the wind as well. (SHE GETS THE BOTTLE OF SHERRY) You're lucky, it's nearly empty. It's a wonder there's any left at all what with Bert's relatives. Did you see the drunken louts, they'll drink anything that's in a bottle, one of them finished up on double body deodorants.

CISSIE:

Yes, from what I saw of them their manners left a lot to be desired.

ADA:

I was ashamed, Cissie. Ashamed. Did you see then round my running buffet? They were like a shoal of piranha fish. Anybody would think they'd never seen food before. And did you see his cousin Mavis going at my home-made mutton pate? She scraped half the willow pattern off the plate, I've got two Japanese lovers now stood in mid-air and no bridge.

CISSIE:

Wasn't her first husband that nice Higgins lad?

ADA:

Arthur.

CISSIE:

That's him. Too good for her, I'm sure. I can't think what he ever saw in her.

ADA:

Bert says he only married her because he's a fisherman and he thought she had worms. Shameless hussy she is. I mean I wouldn't have minded if she'd kept her children in check but she just lets them run riot. I could have strangled that little Jason of hers. Did you see what he was trying to do to our cat with that young doctor's outfit?

CISSIE:

I hope that the young rapscallion didn't harm it.

ADA:

I wouldn’t know, it's still on the roof with its legs crossed. I mean they've no right giving children presents like that.

CISSIE:

My word it isn't like it was in our day, is it. All I ever got in my Christmas stocking was a whip and top and an orange.

ADA:

And glad of it.

CISSIE:

And our Ralph, even when he was in long trousers he only had a dinky.

ADA:

Well they can't all be lucky.

CISSIE:

Even so he used to get hours of enjoyment playing with it up in his bedroom.

ADA:

Fancy.

CISSIE:

Yes he played with it so much that eventually all the paint chipped off it through it banging against the skirting boards.

ADA:

What?

CISSIE:

And speaking of Christmas presents what did you get for Bert this year?

ADA:

Well he asked me for something useful so I got him a bottle-opener.

CISSIE:

Well that should certainly be useful, I've never known a man drink so much as your Bert.

ADA:

Cissie there's that many beer bottles in our backyard it's put two hundred pounds on the value of the property.

CISSIE:

I can believe it. And what did he get you?

ADA:

Well I asked him for a pair of leg warmers. Because you know how I suffer with my legs in the cold weather. I just can't seem to keep them warm. They've been the same ever since I had that affair with that assistant manager from Iceland. You wouldn't believe how I suffer, and I've tried everything. The only thing that worked was when I lagged them with two black dustbin bags, but it got Bert too excited. That reminds me, I haven't found his teeth yet.

CISSIE:

Well when did he last have them?

ADA:

He had them in bed last night, definitely, because I'd just settled under the duvet with the hot water bottle on my rheumatism when he snuggled right up to me, kissed me on the back of the neck and began to bite me.

CISSIE:

Bite you?

ADA:

All over, Cissie.

CISSIE:

Oh I say! How erotic. And did you respond?

ADA:

Well you know me Cissie, I can take it or leave it. Nowadays I'd just as soon cuddle up with a Mills and Boon to tell you the truth. But suddenly....I began to feel hot all over.

CISSIE:

He'd awaken your desires, had he?

ADA:

No he'd bitten through the hot water bottle.

***************

HOLIDAYS

A TRAVEL AGENCY. CISSIE AND ADA WALK IN. CISSIE NOTICES THAT THERE IS NOBODY AT THE COUNTER SO THEY SIT DOWN TO WAIT.