Read Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Online
Authors: Terry Ravenscroft
Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada (7 page)
Here is where you come in. I have long been a fan of your Jacob's Club biscuits, as have many of my fellow members, and to this end we would like to 'cash in' on your esteemed name by calling our biscuit a 'Jacob's Club Foot' biscuit. This would at once inform the public that it is a quality product, and also that it supports invalids. Can I have you permission, please?
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
Jacob's reply follows
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Do not read this book whilst holding a cold drink, a hot partner or anything squeezable. The genius of this man's writing is a beautiful thing to read, dry, sharply observed and above all cheap as chips on kindle downloads. As funny as ‘Dear Air 2000’ but without the lasagne although you will never be able to look at Bisto gravy granules in quite the same way ever again. Whatever you do download this and help keep Terry Ravenscroft in Oxfam trousers and 2 bottles of white wine.
– Lee Sylvester.
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****
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
.......You have to take your opportunities for a bit of fun when and wherever you find them so when I noticed a man of about my age approaching in the opposite direction I picked up the Zimmer Frame, twirled it round my head a couple of times, and heaved it into the distance. It had not long since been announced that Britain had been granted the 2012 Olympic Games, and with it the Paralympics, and it was probably this, and the thought I’d just had about cripples taking up their bed and walking, that put the idea into my head.
After I’d gone to recover the Zimmer Frame and started to walk back with it the man had stopped and now looked on, puzzled. I turned to him and said, a little self-critically: “Not bad.”
His face was a picture of inquisitiveness. “What on earth are you doing?”
“
Training for the Paralympics.”
“
Pardon?”
“
Throwing the Zimmer Frame," I explained. .”It's a new event. Apparently the host country can pick an entirely new event and Britain has chosen Throwing the Zimmer Frame. It just nudged out the Hop, Hop and Hop for the one-legged I believe."
I returned with the Zimmer to the spot from which I'd thrown it. Two twirls round my head and I launched it again. This time it went about five yards farther.
"Quite an improvement," the man observed, approvingly.
"Yes, must be close to my PB that one," I said, pleased with myself. “That’s Personal Best,” I explained.
"Yes I know, I’m a fan of athletics,” he said. He thought about it for a moment. “Can anyone enter?"
I shrugged as though I didn’t really know. "Well I suppose.” I qualified this. “You need a Zimmer Frame of course." I had a thought. “It’s possible you could get a grant; you might be able to get funding for one if you show you any promise. I’m sure I’ve heard of pole-vaulters getting grants for fibre glass poles.”
I retrieved the Zimmer and made to throw it again.
"Can I have a go?" asked the man.
I handed him the Zimmer Frame. He drew his arm back and threw it as hard as he could. It landed a good ten yards farther than my last effort.
"You're a natural," I said.
“
Wasn’t bad was it,” said the man, pleased. “For a first stab at it.”
First stab at it! I had him hooked. I commenced to reel him in. "I tell you what,” I said. “Why don't you get a Zimmer Frame of your own and join me? Apparently there'll be an individual competition and a pairs, one of you throws the Zimmer and the other one throws it back, sort of piggy in the middle but without the piggy, plus a team event, the four man lob - I think that involves passing on the Zimmer to the next thrower like a baton, but we'd need another two for that. I train every morning at ten.".....
The story continues
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Another exceptional read from Terry Ravenscroft. I could not put this book down, had me laughing out loud and receiving some odd looks! I have also read Dear Coca Cola and Dear Air 2000 and couldn't stop laughing....
Mrs Mulzy
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USA
****
THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook is a collection of sketches, stories, parodies, humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures, restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, you name it you’ll probably find it inside. Plus an extensive comic encyclopaedia. An example:-
ABBA
Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name is made up from the initial letters of their Christian names,
Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-frid
. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were
Tomas, Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi
and
Stefan
were not nearly so popular.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun EBook, the first eBook of its kind, you’ll discover what it’s like to travel with
UneasyJet
; answer the question
Are you capable of bestiality?
; read about the latest blockbusters from
Northern Books
(
they’re grand
!); enjoy a game of
Lad’s Night Out
, peruse the menu at top Indian restaurant
A Passage to India
, (and bottom restaurant
A Back Passage to India
) and read your horoscope with
Your Stars by Delma.
An example: -
Aries
MAY 22 – JUNE 22
With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week for the fairer sex. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it
’
.
All this and much, much more.
****
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
This man is a comedy genius! Possibly one of the funniest books I've ever read, it's a collection of sketches, observations and short stories that will have you laughing from start to finish, especially if you have a warped sense of humour like me....
Biker Girl.
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UK
US