Lessons of the Past (19 page)

“You look beautiful.” His hand scrubbed over his face and he looked at Sabrina, then back to me. He grabbed my arm and led me out the glass door into the foyer. “Sorry. I just didn’t want an audience.”

“What are you doing here?” I repeated, needing to get this over with.

Javier placed his hand on the back of his neck. “I was…I was hoping you were free for dinner.”

I opened my mouth, then promptly shut it. My first thought was to tell him to fuck off, but then I thought about everything Rebecca had said the other night. “Hoping I was free for dinner.” I bit my lip, still thinking it over. Would I have the guts to say and ask the things I wanted? “What time?” I heard myself blurting.

Javier waited to reply as a man stepped out of the elevator into the reception area. “Whatever time you are free. I have until about nine o’clock.” His lips stretched into a hopeful smile.

I glanced at my watch. It was four-thirty. “Give me thirty minutes.”

His smile grew, revealing his perfect teeth and lone dimple. “I can do that. I’ll wait downstairs.”

“Okay,” I said, then turned around and walked back to my desk. Sitting back down in my chair, I heaved a deep breath and closed my eyes. I hoped I was doing the right thing. I knew he had a certain power over me, and I didn’t want to fall back into my old ways.
He cheated on you, then dumped you.
I repeated the mantra to myself the entire time I cleaned my desk and shut down my computer.

By the time I was in the elevator, I had repeated it so many times, I was beginning to get pissed. How dare he come back into my life and stir shit up from the past? I had enough shit to worry about.

The elevator doors slid open on the lobby floor and the seven other occupants stepped out while I evened my breathing.
You can do this.
I heaved a deep breath and exited the car. Javier was standing next to a pillar, his head leaning against it. He looked tired, but he hadn’t changed much other than that.

As if he could feel my presence, he lifted his head and locked gazes with me. Javier’s beautiful blue eyes were shining, almost as if he couldn’t believe I was standing there. He pushed himself away from the pillar and walked toward me. “Ready?”

“I guess,” I said, plastering on a fake smile.

“Where would you like to go?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. Just not Thai. I’ve had enough Thai food lately to last me a while.” I had no idea why I was telling him this.

“Okay. How about a burger joint? I know a really good one.”

I shrugged. “Sure. I’ll follow you there. Are you parked in the parking garage?”

Javier nodded. “Yeah. But why don’t I just drive? I can drop you off at your car later.”

“Um, okay,” I agreed, not having the energy to fight him.

We began walking side by side toward the doors leading to the parking garage and I couldn’t help but inhale. He still smelled the same. Masculine and clean and…amazing.

“You look beautiful. I don’t know if I told you that or not, but you do,” he said, and I could feel him looking at me.

“You did. Thank you.”

We reached the garage and walked up a flight of stairs before he led me to a black BMW X5 SUV. “Nice wheels,” I muttered.

“Thanks. I needed extra space now that Caroline is in sports and she’s always got a friend with her.” He opened the door for me and held out his hand to help me inside. I stared at it for a second, but declined the offer and climbed inside.

He shook his head, but didn’t say anything, and shut the door. He walked around the front, a pensive look on his face. A minute later, Javier opened the door and jumped inside.

Deciding my time with him would be much more enjoyable if I stopped being a bitch, I said, “Do you have a thing for BMWs?” It was a stupid question, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I really wanted to ask how his wife and slut on the side were doing, but that would probably be classified as bitchy.

He barked out a laugh and my stomach tumbled. It was a wonderful sound. “I guess. I never really thought about it.”

“Well, it’s nice.”

He pressed the start button and stared out the windshield. “Alexandria…” he trailed off, moving his eyes to me.

“Yes?”

“I know you don’t want anything to do with me, and I understand why.” He placed his hand on the gear shift. “I just want to explain things to you. Apologize. Thank you for agreeing and giving me the chance.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat thinking he could apologize all he wanted, I’d never forgive him. He had played mind games with me. Made me fall in love with him. Told me he loved me. “Okay,” was all I could think to say.

He pulled out of the parking space and exited the garage before pulling into traffic. I bit my lip, trying to think of something else to say. “So…do you live in Houston now or are you still in Beach Center?”

“I live here. After Amy and I divorced, I got a job at the University of Houston.” I looked out the window, shaking my head. He said divorce so nonchalantly, you would think he was talking about the weather. Taking a deep breath, I turned to look at Javier. He was glancing between me and the road, biting the inside of his cheek. He looked nervous. “Amy and I have been divorced for a while,” he continued, “I thought I should tell you that.”

“Why?” I asked, not keeping the anger out of my voice. “Why would I need to know?”

“Alexandria, I—”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter in the least.” That was a complete lie. If he really loved me, why divorce her after we broke up? Why crush me when he was going to end it with her? My anger was about to boil over and I needed out of the vehicle. I needed air, I needed to slap the shit out of him—that’s what I really needed.

We sat in silence the rest of the way to the restaurant. As soon as he parked, I jumped out of the SUV and slammed the door.
Why the fuck did I agree to come with him?

After taking a few deep, calming breaths, I rounded the front of the vehicle where Javier was waiting. “Alex—”

“So, this place is good?” I interrupted.

“Yeah. It’s really good.”

“I’ve lived here most of my life and have never heard of it.” We walked inside and were immediately seated in a back secluded booth, unfortunately. I imagined couples on dates asking for a booth just like this one.

We sat down across from each other and I immediately picked up the menu. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. I suddenly didn’t feel hungry at all. I needed to get everything out in the open and over with. The sooner we talked, the sooner I’d never see him again.

I tossed my menu on the table. “Why did you ask me to dinner? Why are you doing this? You could’ve said sorry earlier when you showed up at my work.”

Javier’s eyes were wide and he seemed to be thinking over what I had just asked. “Yeah, I could’ve said sorry earlier, but I wouldn’t be having dinner with you right now.” He swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m doing this because I’m still in love with you, damn it.”

My jaw went slack and my eyes widened. I also felt like I might throw up. How the fuck could he tell me he was still in love with me? After five years? And then I remembered, not that it was ever far from my mind, he had never loved me. He had also slept with someone else.

The waiter came, took our drink order, and left.

“How’s Mia?” I spat.

“Who the fuck is Mia?” He genuinely looked perplexed.

I chuckled harshly. “Really? You want to go down that road? Let’s see, Javier.” I paused, letting my eyes narrow on him, and leaned forward. “I’m not sure what to call her. The girl you cheated on your mistress with? Your slut? Or was that me?”

Sucking in a breath, he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were pleading. “Alexandria—”

“Alex,” I interrupted. “My fucking name is Alex.”

“Alex. What I said that night…” He shook his head and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull away, but he gripped me harder. “No. No, listen. Please, listen…I lied. I knew you were terrified I was sleeping with her, you’d told me. I also knew you could make me do anything. Fuck. Anything. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to end it with you, so I told you I slept with that girl so you’d hate me.”

“Well, it worked.”

The bustling waiter came back with our drinks and asked if we were ready to order.

I shook my head. “You order first.” I was pissed, but I didn’t want to be rude to the waiter. It wasn’t his fault I was sitting across from a fuck face.

“I’ll have the number three burger with seasoned fries,” Javier told the waiter and handed him the menu. Then, he proceeded to stare at me.

Smiling sweetly at the waiter, I said, “I’ll just have a margarita.”

He nodded and left, and I had to fight the urge to bolt.

“I swear to you, I never cheated on you.
Never
. You had told me how you had spoken to your sister about us and it really hit me how much I was asking you to give up. I felt like you deserved better, and to be honest, I was scared we would get caught by more people. So, I lied.”

I sucked in a breath. His words were exactly what I wanted to hear, but how did I know he wasn’t lying now? He was an amazing liar. I tilted my head to the side. “You really expect me to believe you? You are the biggest liar I’ve ever known.”

“I swear, it’s the truth. I love you so fucking much. I did then, and I still do.”

“Well, I’m married. So, it’s all moot.” A little bit of a lie, but still technically true.

He eyed my bare ring finger. “You sure about that?”

Five years’ worth of anger was threatening to spill out. “You fucking asshat, cock sucking, jerk-ass bastard!” I shouted. “I think I’d fucking know whether I’m married or not.”

His eyes were wide as he stared at me, and I realized how loudly I had just yelled at him. Glancing around, Javier wasn’t the only one staring at me. I had the entire restaurant’s attention.

Javier began to chuckle, and I couldn’t help but laugh, too. I had never in my life yelled like that in a public place. Behind closed doors, yes, but not in a room full of people. I didn’t know whether it was the emotions of just being near him or what he had just told me, but my laughter quickly morphed into sobs. Tears spilled down my face, but I couldn’t stop the emotions from pouring out.

I covered my face with my hands, and two seconds later, I felt him sit beside me and wrap his arms around me. I tried to push him away, but he held me tighter. “Don’t touch me!”

“Please. Just let me do this.”

Not having the energy to fight him any longer, I clung to his shirt and let it all out. His hand trailed up and down my back, soothing me, and I couldn’t help but melt into him. Being with him had always felt right. Always comforted me. Always.

Until the night he crushed all the security to shit.

I pulled away and he handed me a napkin to clean my face. “I’m so sorry, Alexandria. You’ll never know how sorry I really am.”

“I need to go blow my nose,” I mumbled, ignoring his apology.

He nodded, placed a kiss to my forehead, and then stood. He rounded the booth to return to his seat and I got up. “I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be right here. Waiting for you.”

When I returned to the table, Javier was munching on a burger and my margarita was waiting for me. I slid onto the cushion and sighed before taking a big gulp of my drink.

“I ordered you some fries.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, taking another swallow.

“Well, you need to eat something if you’re going to drink like that.” He picked up his burger, taking a big bite.

Fuck, that burger looked delicious. “Fine.”

“Let’s talk about the present,” he suggested. “Sound good?”

I stole a fry off his plate and popped it in my mouth. “Sure. So, you work at the University of Houston now?”

“Yeah. I have for a while. It’s nice, but I miss being right on the beach.”

“Yeah, I miss that, too.” I eyed him, wishing things were different. Wishing we had worked out, that he hadn’t hurt me. I had no idea if he really had lied about the other girl, but that still didn’t take away the hurt. “How old is Caroline now?”

“She’s ten. Almost eleven, but I don’t like to think about that.” He smiled. “She’s a great girl. A little sassy, but she’s hilarious.”

“I’m sure she is,” I agreed, stirring my drink with the straw.

“Y’all would probably get along great. Her personality reminds me of you.”

The waiter came back with a basket of fries and I thanked him before he retreated. Immediately, I bit into one, burning my mouth. “Shit,” I muttered, grabbing my drink. “Those are hot.”

Javier tried to stifle a laugh. “I’ve missed you.”

“Don’t.” I wanted to tell him he’d made his bed and he had to lay in it, but I kept my mouth shut.

“Alexandria…do you think we could be friends? I know that’s a lot to ask, but maybe you could see that I’d never hurt you like that again?” He ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

I opened my mouth, but didn’t know what to say. “Javier…I…I…no.” I shook my head. “You have no idea how much you wounded me. I mean, I had convinced myself we were in love, that you were it for me.”

“I know I hurt you.”

“You did. A lot. I mean, you cheated on me—”

“I didn’t. I swear, I didn’t,” he cut me off. “I have no idea how to prove that to you, but…fuck, I didn’t cheat on you. Hell, I haven’t even slept with anyone since you. Nobody else compares to you.”

My breath caught. He hadn’t had sex in five years? Caleb and I might not have been in love, but we never lacked in the sex department. Well…at least, before his affair. “I have no idea what to say to that. Not even after your divorce?”

“No. I’ve been too busy wallowing in self-pity.” He took another bite of his burger, and I could tell he was getting pissed. I had no idea why, though.

“How long have you been divorced?” I asked, genuinely curious.

He blew out a breath. “Let’s see…about four and a half years ago I filed, so three and a half years. It was a long divorce.” His face let me know it hadn’t been easy.

He threw me away only to file for divorce six months later? To me, that didn’t seem like he cared about me at all. He had never even hinted at a divorce while he was with me.