Let Me Alone (34 page)

Anna was not very interested in him. He was an infantile creature with a round, cherubic face and a bewildered expression. The load of domesticity with which he had burdened himself seemed rather too heavy for him, too much of a good thing. Hence the bewilderment. His wife and his two babies seemed to fill him with wonder, as though he wondered how they came to be there. However, he bore up bravely under the burden of family life.

The shortest way to the railway offices lay past Matthew’s bungalow, and Whitaker passed every day, hurrying along, down a narrow goat-track at the edge of the marsh. Sometimes Anna saw him from the window, sometimes he caught a glimpse of her, and, when this happened, he made her a quick salute and hurried on faster than ever. He was rather shy; particularly of Anna, to whom a curious reputation was beginning to attach itself.

One day he killed a snake with his stick. There were
a great many snakes hidden under the leaves and the rubbery, turgid stems of the marsh plants which remained green and lustrous in spite of the heat. Anna saw the incident and came out, out into the burning ferocity of the sunshine. She was fascinated by the sight of the dead snake, the weird, magnificent skin, dark purple and yellow blotched with brown, like some sinister crushed orchid lying on the burnt ground.

She talked to Whitaker. She suggested that he should walk through the compound in future, instead of along the marshy track on the other side of the fence. It was agreed. His chubby, khaki-clad figure now passed a little closer to the house. When he saw Anna he saluted her with the same slightly embarrassed politeness as before. That was all. Then suddenly one day, he came into the house on some pretext. Anna was astonished. What could have possessed him? Looking like an overgrown infant in his khaki shorts, he sat and made conversation in her gloomy, dim-lit drawing-room. She was amused by his plump, bare, sunburnt knees. She wanted to laugh at him. He was so absurd with his shyness and his awkwardness and his bewildered-cherub appearance. But she did not send him away.

He came fairly often after that. Anna couldn’t imagine why. But there seemed to be some attraction. He sat, rather
gauche
and infantile, and dropped cigarette ash on to her coloured rugs, and broke his long silences with laborious banalities. She laughed at him secretly and was rather bored, rather amused. But she did not rebuff him. To tell the truth, she was glad of even this shred of human companionship.

Matthew came back one afternoon earlier than usual. Anna was in the drawing-room with Whitaker. Tea-things
were on the table. She heard Matthew come on to the verandah. The sound of his footsteps and of his cross, domineering voice speaking to the servants, filled her with apprehension. She was apprehensive without knowing why. She waited apprehensively. He came in.

‘Will you have some tea?’ she asked him.

He did not answer, but stared at Whitaker. The young fellow had risen in confusion. Embarrassment overtook him; he was stricken dumb with awkwardness, like a child. And Matthew stared him rudely, insultingly.

Anna talked at random. She was furious with Matthew, who stood with that neat, insolent face, staring at the young man. Presently Matthew sat down. His actions jarred on her, everything he did. How hateful was the way he stared, insultingly, so arrogant! She hated him. His behaviour disgusted her.

Matthew sat there, his face wooden and stupid, fixed in the persistent rudeness. He drank his tea, and stared over the top of the cup, rudely. His sun-helmet had left a red line across his forehead, there was a dampness of sweat round his nose and mouth. He would not speak to Whitaker, even when the young man addressed him directly. He simply sat there, ensconced in his ugly, stupid, malicious rudeness, and stared at him, to stare him out.

Anna felt sorry for Whitaker with his bewildered, embarrassed, innocent face, which had never lost its babyish roundness. He stammered and grew pink, then very white, and finally went away.

Matthew went on with his tea. Anna could not bring herself to speak to him. Her disgust was too deep. It was his stupid complacency that she could not bear, so ugly and insensitive. There was a long silence. Then
she took up a book and began to read. This irritated him, and he looked at her with his foolish, blue, bright eyes, blank and meaningless as a pair of marbles in his face.

‘What was that young cub doing here?’ came his bullying voice.

She winced in disgust and did not answer.

‘Why were you having tea alone with him?’ came the voice again, in the same hectoring tone.

And still there was silence, except for the turning of a page.

He pushed back his chair with a loud noise, and stood up. He stood over her with clenched fists and the ugly glitter in his eyes, as of an irritable madness. She thought he would strike her. She did not waver. A sort of fiend of defiance came into her. She was purely opposed to him, utterly defiant. His standing over her, threatening her, the stupidity of him, the way his hands quivered, disgusted her beyond measure. She looked at him coldly, destructively, with disgust and loathing. And the frenzy rose in him, his eyes glittered blue and dangerous, he was murderous in his blank rage. And she despised him. He seemed a base, contemptible object, threatening her, bullying her. She only wanted to get away from him.

‘What is it to do with you?’ she said. ‘I shall have tea with whom I choose.’

The angry blood came up in him like a red sign. He seized her shoulders and thrust her back in the chair, as though he would force her through the back of the chair. His face was blank and blind.

‘Oh, no, you won’t!’ he shouted in his frenzy, right into her face. ‘I won’t have it. Not in my house. I forbid it!’

She looked straight at him, with the calm, contemptuous face and the indifferent eyes that cowed him, made him
go limp and deflated. He released her and moved away. She saw his neat, stiff figure moving. He went outside. She sat on in the room alone.

She picked up the book, which had fallen face downwards on the floor. Her shoulders hurt where his hands had gripped them. She sat still and smoothed out the crumpled pages. She was not frightened of Matthew. But he repelled her. She was repelled by his hard, hairless body, and the head poking forward rather from the shoulders, in a sly, mean, stupid way. He was like a repulsive burden upon her. If only the time would come when she could shake him off.

Young Whitaker did not come to the house again. Matthew had said something to him; had probably been abusive. There had been some sort of a scene. Anna did not care to find out what had passed. There was a great disgust in her heart, a cold, imperturbable indifference in her manner. She continued negative and vague on the surface. She seemed to be waiting. In the fullness of time, the opposition that was within her would culminate in her escape. She walked sometimes on the road which led to the station. She had money of her own. Any day she could go to the station, and at the station she could take a train to Rangoon, and from Rangoon a boat would take her back to Europe. The way was open. But the time had not yet come.

The slow, hot days went by. Matthew was away a great deal of the time. In the club he was quarrelsome and touchy. His original slightly obsequious leaning towards friendliness had vanished. Both he and Anna were thoroughly unpopular in Naunggyi.

For days on end Anna did not speak to a soul except her servants. And it grew hotter and hotter. Every day a little
hotter than the last, with the hot sun riding up, blinding bright, into the burning sky, and the cauldron-like earth simmering below. The rains were coming. There was a strange electric stirring and undulating in the fiery atmosphere. The distant hills stood out sharply, with the trees distinguishable, a tiny, greenish patterning, like shagreen, very clear and regular, on the far-off slopes. Sudden great gusts of wind would come wheeling hotly out of the blazing hush, pillars of grey dust would travel, ghost-like, in silent, stealthy haste across the plain. And clouds began to appear, piling up nightly in heavy portent, like some grandiose doom. In the morning they would all have melted into the vast, scorching, beating light. But evening saw them rolling up once more, a solid, dark pack above the horizon, inexorable and grim. They had to come.

To Anna, so much alone in the strange place, it seemed that immense omens lurked in the sultry air. She waited for the coming of the rains with superstitious anticipation, as if she expected a heavenly sign to be vouchsafed. When the rains came she would escape. She would get away from this place which was destroying her. Her longing for escape burned to a sort of fire within her. Every evening she watched the enormous clouds piling themselves against the sky, and waited for the first drop of rain to fall.

And then suddenly, it was the end of everything. She realized that she was with child. A great sickness of horror and despair went through her. She was incredulous. She had thought so often about the possibility of conception, of bearing a child, but always as a sort of sentimental abstraction, never really in connection with herself. And now the disaster had overtaken her. A certain sense of
finality made her hopeless and despairing. This was the finish, the finish of everything. She would never escape now.

Matthew was away for a few days. Anna was dazed with shame and despair. She felt strangely degraded, as though some shameful mark had been set upon her, some sordid stain that could never be removed. She was madly ashamed. She could not endure her body. When she caught sight of her reflexion as she dressed, she shuddered and turned her eyes away as from something horrible and unclean. And again, at night, when she was having her bath, her nerves jerked with insane repulsion, she could not bear the sight of her body. Whenever she thought of the child forming within her, a sort of madness of repulsion flooded her mind and flesh, an intolerable sickness. She wanted to kill herself. This final blow, she felt, had really broken her. She felt as if everything, Matthew and the place and the coming child, were a nightmare, a nightmare against her. Something at the core of her remained cold, indifferent, changeless. But she was so overwrought with horror, that even the sight of her bare arms filled her with quivering disgust. She felt that her body was desecrated and soiled. It would never be clean again.

The letters from England arrived once a week. Anna sat down indifferently to read them. Her heart was dead and despairing.

The first she looked at was from Lauretta – all chatter about Blue Hills whither she had just travelled from the Riviera. The second was a letter, an untidily written scribble from Catherine. ‘When are you going to invite me to visit you? I have had enough of Oxford. The time has come for me to make a change – the more complete the better. So hurry up and say that you would like me
to come. How much longer do you intend to let your intelligence atrophy –’

It was like a voice from the dead. Anna trembled as though she had received a shock. She glanced round the room. It was like an oven, filled with dull, dead heat. The punkah had stopped. She called to the man to go on pulling. Then she picked up the letter again. She looked at the writing on the pale blue notepaper, glanced up at the swinging punkah, and at the dim, closed room. She had passed into another world now, where Catherine could never enter. She felt that she had suffered a severe shock. A bitterness of despair came over her.

She sat still, pale and bitter. It was a black world which she now inhabited, like a purgatory, like an incurable illness. How could Catherine come into it? It was not possible that she should come. Anna was alone in her degradation. A humiliating, outcast despair filled her. She could not face Catherine, or write to her. She was too much ashamed. Her life was shameful and lonely. There was no longer any hope for her, there was no chance of escape. Yet, in spite of her humiliation and the despair which possessed her, she still remained in some part of her soul aloof and untouched. It was the hard centre of her being which never altered. Nothing could touch that.

She longed for Catherine to come to her. But a barrier of shame was between them. She wanted Catherine. But she was afraid that Catherine would despise her because of the ruin she had made of her life. She thought of the bold beauty of the other girl, of her brilliance, and she could not endure that contempt should take the place of admiration in Catherine’s large, intense, dark eyes. She looked at her own body. And already its fine lines seemed to her to be thickened and coarsened, she imagined that
she could detect the onset of a heavy femaleness which was loathsome to her. She was afraid of Catherine’s flamelike fineness, she could not face it, because of the prospect of her own physical degradation.

Anna wanted Catherine to come to Naunggyi. She had confidence in the power of the other girl to rescue her, she trusted in her, she was certain that Catherine would extricate her from the nightmare of her existence. It was a terrible blow that she could not ask her to come. It seemed that she had been waiting all the time for Catherine’s arrival to save her from Matthew, to set her free. But now Catherine would never come. It was too late. At the bottom of Anna’s heart was a deep wound of despair. She was certain that Catherine would have been able to save her.

But she could not ask her to come. Her shame was too deep. Hopelessly, feeling that this was really the end, she put away Catherine’s letter, and did not answer it.

A
T
the end of the week Matthew came back to the bungalow. Anna saw him walking across the parched, open space. He was quite well-made, but with the ugly, clumsy sun-helmet on his head he looked foolish, top-heavy, curiously like some sort of mechanical toy. He was healthy and strong, the typical man of action, he walked rather like a wound-up machine.

She was repelled when he came into the drawing-room, his large fists dangling, his head dark and smooth, but not shiny, and his blue eyes glassy and bright. He seemed so unaware of her, like an animal. And yet his glance was so possessive, it sickened her with disgust. She was hostile to him, repelled by him, and yet indifferent.