Letters to Matt

Letters

To Matt

Tara Lin Mossinghoff

Letters to Matt

Tara Lin Mossinghoff

Copyright © 2015 Tara Lin Mossinghoff

All Rights Reserved. This book may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

The following story contains strong situations. The following story is intended for adult audiences only. Parental discretion is advised.

Printed in
The United States of America
by Tara Lin Mossinghoff

First Printing, 2015

Cover design by Michele Tucker

Edited by Genevieve Scholl

Acknowledgments

When I published my first book, I thought I had a lot of people to thank for their love and support. Well, that number has grown quite a bit for this second book. So, sit back and enjoy the outpour of love I’m about to share!

First and foremost, as always, I have to show my gratitude to my family. My mom is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. When she read and loved
Secrets That We Keep
, it meant the absolute world to me. The encouragement she’s shown in this book is overwhelming. Every “Like” she gives me on my author page is a cheer that keeps me going. Even though my dad will never read my books unless I write about World War II or something, I know he’s proud of me. To my sister and her two amazing kids. The three of them provide endless inspiration. I know this was some crazy dream of mine, but thank you all for having faith in me.

I’ve had friends that were reading my stories when they were just Fan Fictions on
Harry Potter
sites. Without their encouragement, I never would have reached my full writing potential.

To the AMAZING ladies at
Some Indies to Lean on
. I don’t even know where to start with saying thank you. Our little
Facebook
group has grown to more than I ever thought possible. Each and every one of you mean the world to me. The way we support each other and answer endless questions is unreal. I can’t wait to continue this writing journey with you all.
#IndieProud
(Yes, I just used a hashtag in my acknowledgements. Don’t judge me. You know we love our hashtags!)

Next up! Genevieve Scholl, my awesome editor! She has been amazing from day one. And I have no doubt that this book wouldn’t be where it was today without her help. I’m also grateful that I’ve found a new friend in her.

I have Michele Tucker to thank for my beautiful cover. Unfortunately, for her, I’m picky and when I have an idea in my head, I don’t like to stray from it. She was so amazing through the whole process, tweaking and remaking the whole cover multiple times. In the end, I couldn’t be happier with my cover.

Hayley Thinnesen was one of the first people to read
Secrets That We Keep
. The love she showed for that book was awesome. She’s become a great friend and has done some amazing things for me for this book as well.

I met Danielle Hayhow after she read
Secrets That We Keep
. We became best friends instantly. She’s been there for me through some rough times. The encouragement she shows me in my writing is incredible. Even when the whole world is against her and keeping me from publishing.

My bestie, Allie Bishop, is also in
Some Indies to Lean on
, but she deserves a special shout out. This woman is incredible. She’s a beautiful mother and amazing writer as well.

To my betas, thank you so much for your insight and help on this book. I loved your comments and suggestions.

And last, but not certainly not least, to the readers. I write books that speak to me. Every writer should write for themselves first, I firmly believe that. But living in a world where I can put my stories out there and have them speak to others is just…there are no words for it. So, thank you to everyone who read and loved
Secrets That We Keep
. And thank you to everyone who will love Jaden. My dream of publishing never could have become a reality with you.

Dedication

To Andrew Thomas. You were taking from us entirely too soon. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I will forever hold our friendship in my heart. I did what I could to help keep you alive by creating Mandy. You’re half of her and that makes her that much more special to me.

Darkness. Pain. Those are the only two things of which I’m aware. I’m fairly certain my head has been split in two, and my abdomen feels bruised. I let out an involuntary groan as I move, trying to find some relief. All it does is send pain shooting through my head. Holy hell, why is it so dark? It would seem I am just waking up, but when did I go to bed? The last thing I can recall is sitting in the living room with Matt, talking about ice cream. Chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. It’s my most recent craving, and Matt is sweet to oblige every time I bat my eyelashes.

Suddenly, I hear voices. Some I recognize and some I don’t. I think I hear my name, but can’t focus enough to make out any words. It’s like being at a pep rally at school—all the voices blend together and it’s hard to make out individual conversations. Why would I be sleeping at a pep rally? Why would I even be in school? We graduated last Friday. I don’t know what today is, but I know I graduated on a Friday.

Jesus, Jaden, focus.
I almost laugh. Well, at least I know my name.

I also know that it’s dark, because my eyes are closed. Surely a bunch of people wouldn’t be standing around talking in a dark room. I try, but can’t force my eyes open. I’m so tired. I’m considering going back to sleep, but I need to figure out where I am. My back spasms and I feel pressure in my stomach. The baby is kicking. The baby. Matt. I need to know where he is. I need to figure out where I am and I need to find Matt. Those are my priorities right now.

It’s hard to think with all the noise. Along with voices, I can make out a beeping sound. What the fuck is that beeping? Okay, time to try and open my eyes again. They flutter open for a second before falling closed once more.

I hear excited voices. Now there’s a bunch of commotion. I stop trying to open my eyes and focus all of my energy on listening to the voices. I feel a hand on mine. Matt! But it takes me a second to realize it’s not Matt’s hand. It’s softer and smaller.

It’s my mom’s. I can hear her speaking to me.

“Jaden, sweetie, it’s okay. I’m here. Try not to move too much. The doctor is on his way over.”

Doctor? Why is there a doctor here? It hits me at once. I’m in a hospital. It all makes sense now. The beeping and the talking. Why am I in a hospital, though? What the hell happened? I’m trying my damnedest to remember, but I have no idea. I can only think of chocolate ice cream and rainbow sprinkles. And Matt. Now that I know where I am, I need to find him.

I groan again as I slowly open my eyes.

My vision is blurry, but I can see a hand come up to my hair. Mom smooths back my hair like she did when I was a kid.

“Oh, thank God!” Mom says. “Trevor. Trevor, she’s awake.”

It takes me a moment to focus my eyes. Mom is a mess. Her eyes are red and puffy like she’s been crying, which makes sense. I did just wake up in a hospital bed.

Mom is okay, though. And apparently so is Dad. That leaves one more person.

“Matt.” My voice is weak.

“Shhh, honey, don’t speak.” Mom’s voice is soothing. “Save your energy. The doctor is heading over.”

“Where’s Matt?” I ask. God, my mouth is so dry.

A solemn look crosses Mom’s face, but at this point Dad is standing next to her. He wraps an arm around Mom’s shoulder and places his hand on top of ours.

“Did you get the doctor?” Mom asks.

“He’s busy, but the nurse is heading over.” He looks at me. “How are you feeling?”

“I hurt,” I admit, “and I feel groggy.”

“That’s from the medicine they gave you,”

For the first time, my mind isn’t on Matt. It’s on my baby.

“Medicine?” I repeat. I haven’t taken a Tylenol since I found out I was pregnant. Hell, I avoid caffeine when I can, and I was just informed that I’ve been pumped full of meds. “But the baby.” My free hand flies to my protruding belly.

“The doctor assured us it was perfectly fine for the baby. They had to give you something to help you sleep, and for the pain. You were…in a bad state when you got here.” I can tell my dad chooses his words carefully, which means that there is something he’s afraid to tell me.

Before I can ask any questions, a pretty girl with blonde hair and yellow scrubs walks up. She checks all the machines around me before turning to me.

“I’m Kayla. Your vitals all look good. How are you feeling?”

“Like I got run over.” My eyes shoot open wide. “I didn’t get run over, did I?”

Kayla shakes her head. “No, but you were in a car accident. What hurts, and how would you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten?”

“My head and my torso,” I tell her. “My head is a seven, and I would say my stomach is a five. It feels bruised.”

She gives a slight nod. “That’s from the seatbelt. And you hit your head on the window pretty hard. I’ll talk to the doctor about getting you something to manage the pain.”

I’m barely listening to her. My head is reeling from the new information. I was in a car accident. I was in a car accident with Matt on the way to get chocolate ice cream with those damn rainbow sprinkles. I still don’t remember, but it seems logical.

“Matt,” I say again.

“I’m sorry?” she asks, looking up from the chart.

“Matt. My fiancé. Where is he? Can I see him?”

Her eyes shoot to my parents, who share a look. Their frowns cause a twist in my stomach that I can’t identify.

“I’m sorry.” Kayla is speaking, and I force myself to tear my attention from my parents and focus on what she’s saying.  “I was assigned to you. I think you should let your parents talk to you, though.” She sets the chart back down. “I’ll go talk to the doctor about that pain med.”

I watch her retreat until she’s out of my line of vision. If I’m being honest, I’m avoiding looking at my parents until the last possible moment. I know the news isn’t good, but I’m allowing myself just a few more moments of ignorant bliss before facing the harsh reality. When I no longer have Kayla’s back to focus on, I finally turn my attention to my parents, nervous energy gripping my stomach. I’ve never seen either of my parents look so sad. Dad is chewing his bottom lip, something he does when he’s nervous, and Mom looks like she might start crying again.

“It’s not good, is it?” I ask, preparing myself. Mom shakes her head and tears start falling. “How bad is it? Can I go see him?”

Mom squeezes my hand, but it’s Dad that speaks.

“Jaden, Matt didn’t—“

I cut him off. “No. Don’t finish that. Do not tell me Matt didn’t make it. He’s fine. He’s injured, but he’s somewhere in this hospital and he’s going to be fine.” I don’t believe my own words, but I use them as an anchor. I have to say them out loud. I have to hear them to prevent myself from drowning in my own sorrow.

Mom’s sob chokes out. Dad drops his gaze to the bed and shakes his head. I look at Mom.

“Mom?” I can’t breathe. It feels like the room is getting smaller even though we are in an open Emergency Room.

She composes herself for a second. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

I shake my head. I start pulling out my IV and taking off the various wires I’m hooked to.

“Jaden, you have to stay in bed,” Dad tells me, but I ignore him. I have to get out of this bed. I have to find Matt. I have to throw up. I have to…I have to do something other than lay here and listen to my parents tell me that my fiancé and the father of my baby is dead.

I’m climbing out of the bed as Dad calls my name again.

“Let her go,” I hear Mom say before she falls into a fresh wave of sobs. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her falling into my dad’s chest.

I know I should probably cry or scream, but I’m too numb to do anything. I know in my heart that he’s gone. I can feel it like a void in my chest. Matt is gone forever and he took a piece of me with him.  I don’t feel angry or sad, only nauseous. I need to throw up.

I’m on autopilot as I walk into the bathroom. I kneel down in front of the toilet. I felt like I was in the
Twilight Zone
ever since I woke up in that bed. Everything has been so bizarre, but this, this I am used to. Morning sickness has been a bitch my whole pregnancy. I almost welcome the emptying of my stomach, if only because it’s familiar.

I spit a couple of times, wipe my mouth, flush the toilet, and climb off the floor, like so many times in the past six months. Making my way to the sink, I rinse out my mouth and wash my hands. I wait until I feel some semblance of being human again before assessing myself in the mirror.

I look like shit. There’s a butterfly
Band Aid
on my forehead. My face is pale. I look so fucking tired. I brace my hands on either side of the sink, just taking in my appearance.

Glancing down at my hand, I notice the gorgeous engagement ring on my left hand. I’m no expert at hospital protocol, but I’m smart enough to know that they would have taken it off when I arrived. I picture Mom sliding it back on my finger after getting the all clear, and it makes me that much more thankful for her. It’s nothing fancy—Matt knew I wouldn’t want him spending too much on it. It’s small with a single diamond, but the ring is mine and I love it.

Matt and I were sitting on his couch. The movie we’d been watching was long forgotten. I was dozing off as I rested my head on Matt’s chest. The pregnancy made me so tired. I just wanted to sleep all the time. Matt was rubbing my belly and whispering to our child so as not to disturb me.

A smile graced my lips as I listened to him talk to the baby about the movie.

“
Bruce Willis
is awesome,” he told my stomach. “When you’re old enough, we’ll have a marathon of all the
Die Hard
movies. They are seriously the greatest thing ever. And I’ll teach you all about the good music.
Justin Bieber
will not be played in my house. It’ll be all
Aerosmith
, all the time.”

Matt and I were babysitting his little sisters and they were off in the other room playing. They’d been quiet all night. I kept insisting on checking on them, claiming no good could come out of the lack of noise. Matt protested, telling me they were fine.

Suddenly, Matt sat up.

“You awake?”

“Uh uh,” I mumbled, shaking my head.

“Well, wake up. I have something I want to show you.”

I sat up straight as he moved. I glanced at him with curiosity as he leaned over me, digging around in the drawer of the table beside the couch. My eyes widened in interest as he pulled out a small box. I forgot all about my fatigue.

I was shocked when he simply handed me the box. Shouldn’t he be on one knee? Not that I expected it, but Matt didn’t do casual, especially not when it came to things like that.

I stared at the box in confusion.

“Go on. Take it,” he prompted.

I reached my hand out and grabbed it from him. He gave a slight nod as my eyes searched his. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I turned my attention to the small velvet box in my hand. With shaky hands, I slowly opened it. My face fell when I realized it was empty.

Was this some sort of cruel joke? Was Matt trying to break up with me? My hormone riddled emotions went into overdrive, but I tried to keep calm.

“It’s empty,” I noted, fighting to keep the nerves from my voice.