Letters to Matt (19 page)

“Same here,” Adam says.

“Darn, we wanted to pay for Jaden,” Destinee says.

“Yeah, we were gonna cover you, honey,” Mom adds.

Emotion wells up inside of me as I take in my friends and family.

Mitch laughs. “I don’t think any of us were planning on letting you pay.”

“You all are amazing,” I choke out, feeling beyond grateful.

“We should all get together tonight. Have a few drinks or something,” Mitch suggests as we stand at our cars, ready to leave the restaurant.

“That sounds great!” I reply. Today was exactly what I needed. I felt lighter and happier after hearing stories about Matt. It hurts to know he’s gone, but it fills my heart with joy knowing how loved he still is even though he’s gone. If anyone deserved to be loved and remembered after he was gone, it’s Matt.

“Nadine and I have a date tonight,” Adam speaks up.

“Yeah, and I have to help my dad clean out the garage,” Destinee says. “He was already peeved when I told him I’d be by later than he’d asked so I could come here. Sorry, guys.”

“Oh well, guess it’s me and you, Mitch,” I say. “Mandy, you in?”

“Hell yeah. You know I never pass up the chance to get drunk!”

Everyone laughs while our parents shake their heads with a smile.

“Well, do you want us to come over now? We can break out the drinks after Sophie goes to bed,” Mandy asks.

I shake my head. “I actually kind of want to spend the rest of the day just the two of us,” I apologize. “But I’ll call you two after she goes to bed. Sound good?”

“Absolutely,” Mandy says, squeezing my hand. “Call me if you want me to come over earlier.”

Mitch nods his head in agreement with the plans. There are heartfelt goodbyes as everyone hugs and cries a little more. After everyone else has walked off, it’s just me, Mandy, and Destinee standing there with Sophie in my arms. 

“Babe, do you mind waiting at the car?” Mandy asks. “I want to talk to Jaden for a sec.”

“Sure.” Destinee leans up to kiss Mandy on the cheek before walking off.

I watch her back retreating to the car before turning to Mandy.

“What’s up?”

“That in there,” she says, motioning to the restaurant. “All of us laughing together, that’s what Matt wants. He would have had a blast back there, even if it was us telling funny stories about him. So promise me you’ll do that at home with Sophie today. I know the silence can be the hardest thing, but you don’t deserve to spend all day crying over him. Play with Sophie, read to her, have fun.” I nod my head in agreement. I smile at my best friend. She always knows just the right words to say to me. “And be prepared to get drunk off your ass tonight!” she adds with a laugh. I laugh along with her. This was the reason I loved Mandy so much. She could only be serious for so long before she started cracking jokes.

“I will. I promise.” I pull her to me in a hug.

“Good.”

We walk to the car with our arms looped around each other. The car ride to Mandy’s is filled with idle chit chat. When I pull up in front of her house, Destinee climbs out, but Mandy waits a moment. She leans over and hugs me tightly.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too. I’ll see you later tonight,” I reply.

She pulls away and starts to step out of the car. “Remember what I said!” she calls before shutting the door.

I turn to see Sophie babbling in her car seat. I smile before putting the car in drive.

“Let’s go home, baby girl.”

I carry Sophie and our bags inside the apartment. For a moment, it feels empty. I wish Matt could be here more than ever. Today is really hitting home how permanent his loss is. But I made a promise to Mandy. No more tears today.

I set Sophie in her bouncer before heading to the bedroom. I find a box full of CDs on the shelf in the closet. I never use them anymore since I just put music on my phone. I sift through the stack until I find one in a clear case. It’s a burnt CD that Matt made for me on our fourth anniversary of dating.

I walk into the living room and pop it into the DVD player. As the first song,
Don’t Stop Believing
, starts to play. I cross the room to pick Sophie up out of her bouncer. I sway with her to the music as she laughs.

We’re sitting in my car after the concert.
Halestorm
was amazing. The energy of the crowd was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. Matt had been so romantic the whole night. He’d brought me flowers and chocolate, even though we’d agreed on no gifts since I knew he spent a fortune on the tickets already.

“Those aren’t gifts,” he had argued. “They’re anniversary essentials.”

Matt leaned over from the driver’s seat and kissed me. “So, I know we said we weren’t going to get each other anything, but I couldn’t resist. But it doesn’t really break the rules since I made it.”

I laughed and shook my head. “Matt, we agreed!”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t do anything special for you on our anniversary?”

I shook my head with a smile. “True. But I don’t need anything else. Being with you, loving you, is special enough for me. Plus, this concert was pretty fucking epic.”

He smiled. “Well, too bad. Because it’s already done.”  He pulled a burned CD out of the glove compartment and put it in the CD player. He selected track one and
Don’t Stop Believing
filled the car.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I looked over at him lovingly. “Matt, this is…”

“The song that was playing during our first kiss. And there’s more on here,” he said. “Any song that played during a first: our first date, our first road trip, our first snow day. It’s all on here. Along with any song that you’ve played to death in the past four years.”

By that point I had tears streaming down my face. “This is so amazing. I love it. I love you.” I reached across the car and pulled his lips to mine greedily. “Okay, okay. I have a confession to make,” I said. “I couldn’t let you spend that much on concert tickets and not get you anything.” I reached into the center console and pulled out a small, delicately wrapped box.

Matt took it and pulled the paper off. I watched as his eyes widened.

“An MP3 player,” he said, breathless. “Jaden, these things are expensive. You spent too much.”

“Well, those concert tickets weren’t exactly cheap. So we’re even. And I’m not taking it back,” I insisted firmly.

“I love it.” He hugged me tightly. Then he laughed. “What does it say about us that all of our gifts are music related?”

I laughed. “That we need to get more hobbies?”

I put Sophie down once the song ends. It provides background music as we play with blocks and I read to her. Even after I lay her down for a nap, I keep the CD playing. I’m sitting on the couch folding laundry and singing along to
Taylor Swift
when my phone rings. It’s Cole, so I answer.

“Hey,” I say. “How’s your mom’s?”

“Pretty good,” he replies. “She made onion rings, chicken parmesan, and chocolate chip cookies…just for lunch. I think she misses having someone to cook for. It’s been pretty hard for her since Dad passed last year.”

“Wow. Well, I’m glad you two had a nice meal together.”

“Yeah. So what are you up to? You doing anything tonight?”

“Right now I’m just listening to music while Sophie naps. I’m having some friends over for drinks tonight.”

“That sounds perfect,” Cole says. Before he even speaks again, I know he thinks I’m inviting him over. “My friend gave me some homemade wine that I’ve been looking for an opportunity to pop open.”

“Oh, um, actually…”

Before I can stammer my way through an explanation, Cole cuts in.

“Oh. You don’t want me to come over? I mean, I get it. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. And I did hit you up for a hook up last night. It’s okay. No hard feelings.” He tries to act okay with it, but I can tell by his voice that he’s hurt.

“No. It’s nothing like that. I would love to have you over. It’s just…today is the one year anniversary of Matt’s death. So it’s just Mitch and Mandy coming over.”

The sound of his voice changes completely. “Oh, Jaden, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize…Fuck, I’m such an asshole. I never would have asked to come over last night if I’d have known. Of course, absolutely, spend the night with your friends. God, I’m sorry. I’m an ass. I didn’t—“

I giggle at his rambling and cut him off. “Cole, it’s fine. I didn’t realize either. Everything has just been so crazy lately. I knew it was coming up, but the actually day eluded me. We’ll definitely have to get together sometime and have some of that wine.”

“Of course,” he says. “Well, Mom’s hunted me down. I was hiding in my old room because I just wanted to call and talk to you real quick.”

I smile, knowing he was thinking about me. “Okay. I’ll let you get back to your mom. Have fun.”

“You too. Talk to you later.” 

Sophie has been in bed for about thirty minutes. She went down easily after her bath. The rest of the day has been amazing with us playing and cuddling. I am so lucky to have her in my life. She reminds me so much of Matt; it’s unreal. She has his smile and laughs at everything like he did. And she’s ticklish in all the same places he was. For the first time since she was born, I find myself daydreaming about how she will be when she’s older. I find myself picturing Madison as a toddler. She looks the most like Matt, so that’s who sticks in my mind. I can’t wait for Sophie to start walking and talking. I know by that time I’ll miss my sweet baby.

Tears form in my eyes as I think about how much of her babyhood I missed. I was here for it, obviously, but not emotionally. I wish I would have cuddled more with her when she was tiny. I know I can never get that time back, but the knowledge that I am committed to being the best mom from now on puts me at ease a little. I remember what Mandy said about no more crying and wipe my eyes.