Letting Go (19 page)

“Stop it! Just stop it!” She pulled her arms from his grasp and moved away from him. Since he was blocking the door, she had no choice but to move further into the room. She glanced frantically around as if looking for another way out.

“Casey, the last thing I want to do is hurt you,” he began.

“Then please Devlin, don’t say anything else.” She closed the distance between them. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. “Please Devlin, I can’t take this,” she begged. “Please just let me go.”

Devlin realized she had had enough. He stepped away from the door but as her hand closed over the knob, he reached for it and covered it with his own hand. He pulled her hand to his lips and gently brushed a kiss over the top of it. “I’m sorry,” was all he said. Before she had time to react, he released her hand and opened the door. She was instantly gone. Closing the door, he leaned back against it and wondered if he had just destroyed one of the most rewarding relationships of his life.

Devlin took the next day off to help the children decorate the tree that Casey had brought home. In reality, the tree was just an excuse. Part of him feared that she would try to make a run for it and he wanted to be there to try and talk her out of it. Ryan and Isabel were delighted by the tree and were eager to get Casey to help them decorate it but Devlin knew she wouldn’t be up to the task so he suggested they get started on the tree without her. The huge tree that had hung so precariously off the top of the car fit perfectly in the living room by the picture window. Getting it in the house and straight in the tree stand had been a different story altogether.

“It’s good, right?” Devlin asked as he lay underneath the tree and fiddled with the stand. He shoved at Sampson who was sprawled out next to him trying to lick the water out of the stand.

“A little to the right,” suggested Ryan.

“Can I put the angel on?” asked Isabel.

“In a minute – we have to get it straight first,” Devlin said as he adjusted the tree. “How’s that?”

“A little to the left,” Ryan said as he tilted his head.

“You just told me right!”

“Listen to your son. It needs to go a little to the left.” Casey’s voice traveled over him in waves. She was here. He glanced over his shoulder through a cascade of pine needles to see Isabel run to Casey and hug her around the legs. Casey was standing in the doorway to the living room, her eyes roaming up and down the length of the tree. Fighting the urge to go to her, Devlin adjusted the tree again.

“Perfect,” said Ryan and Casey in unison.

Devlin dragged himself out from underneath the tree. Casey and the children were already searching through the boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations, taking note of the inventory at hand.

“Where’s the angel?” asked Isabel.

“The angel goes on last,” said Casey.

“Why?”

“Because it’s the best part of the tree and you always save the best things for last.” Casey pulled out the lights. “Why don’t we let your dad do the lights and we’ll start on the ornaments. How does that sound?”

And so it went. Casey chatted aimlessly on with the children and encouraged their creativity in decorating the tree. Devlin finished his part and stood back to watch her interaction with the children. He was intrigued by the fact that she was wearing a pair of slacks and a thin blouse, an outfit that looked like something Julia had probably picked out for her. But even without the expensive clothes, she still completed the picture. Her rapport with the children humbled him. He’d figured that after last night, she’d make herself even scarcer and the children would be the ones to suffer from her absence. But here she stood in the middle of his living room in clothes that he had paid for, decorating a tree purchased by the salary he had provided and treating the children as if there was nothing unusual about her presence in their life. She belonged here. It was like she had been away for the first twenty-one years of her life and now she was home where she belonged.

“Devlin?” At the sound of her voice, he snapped back to the present.

“Yes?” he asked, stunned that she was even speaking to him.

“May I have a word with you?”

He nodded and followed her from the room. She led him to the study and then closed the door behind him. “Casey, I-”

She put her hand up to cut him off. “Please, just listen.” At his nod, she moved away from him and towards the window. “When I got back to my room last night I started packing. I had every intention of leaving.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she responded as she turned to face him, her voice laced with despair and confusion. As he took a couple of steps towards her she shook her head. “No, don’t. I need you to understand something. What you did to me last night-” her voice broke off. “I think I understand why you did it.” She half expected him to say something but he remained quiet. “You can’t fix me Devlin. I know you want to but you can’t. This,” she motioned to herself, “is who I am. I can accept that – why can’t you?”

“Because it’s not right. You deserve more.”

“Stop it! Stop doing that! You don’t know me Devlin. I’m not this person you’ve created in your mind!”

“Then tell me who you are.”

It was such a simple command that it caught her off guard. “What?”

“Tell me who you are.” He realized she still didn’t understand. “Tell me your dreams, your hopes, your fears. Tell me what makes you laugh, what makes you cry. Do you hope to be married someday? Have children? What did you want to be growing up? Explain to me why you don’t tell Peter Caulfield who you are.” He stopped for a moment and then softly said, “Come on Casey, just one thing. Tell me one thing about you – the real you that you think I don’t see.”

She heard the questions over and over in her mind but nothing came to her. “I can’t.”

“You can’t because you don’t want to…or you can’t because you don’t know?” he asked carefully, hoping the question would force her to see what he now saw so clearly.

Frustration overcame her. “What difference does it make?”

He ignored the question and tried a different tact. “Okay, tell me one thing about yourself that you don’t like. What are you most ashamed of?” He could see she was trembling now. Devlin knew he was pushing her way too hard but he was desperate to make her understand and he couldn’t do that until she admitted the truth to herself.

She made a last ditch effort to save herself. “I’m not doing this again with you.” As she tried to rush past him, he grabbed her upper arms.

“Tell me Casey. Tell me what you’re most ashamed of.”

“Let go.” She’d managed to replace the frustration with a mask of cool indifference but he could feel her shaking.

“Do you blame yourself for what they did to you Casey? Do you think you should have been able to prevent it?”

“Devlin, let me go!” she screamed. Her fury gave her the strength she needed to pull free but Devlin backed her against the desk.

“You let Elliot do that to your back, didn’t you? You didn’t fight back hard enough! You weren’t strong enough! Is that it? Is that why you hate yourself so much?”

“No!” She lashed out at him but he caught her wrists before her blows could make contact.

“Is that why you won’t tell your father? Because he’ll be disgusted by your weakness? Because once he finds out, he won’t want you?”

“No! That’s not it!”

“Then what is it?” he asked desperately.

Tears were streaming down her face but she was no longer struggling against him. She shook her head. He saw that she was biting hard down on her lower lip. Blood spilled freely from the damage she was inflicting upon herself. Devlin almost backed off but then realized that the pain she was causing herself on the outside couldn’t compare to the agony she was dealing with on the inside. He gentled his hold on her wrists so she’d be able to pull free if she wanted to. He lifted one hand and brushed it over her lower lip, pulling it free of the teeth that were still biting down on it.

“Tell me Casey. Please, tell me,” he said softly. The pleading in his voice was her undoing.

“I left her!” she screamed.

“Who?”

“Amanda! I just left her alone there with him – with them! She didn’t have a chance!”

“Casey, listen to me. You had no choice.”

“He always took such pleasure in it! And I left her there.” Once the words were out, it was like a dam had been unleashed. The guilt and pain and anguish that had festered inside of her for years finally spilled forth, washing away all her strength. Her knees threatened to give way but Devlin quickly wrapped his arm around her waist to support her weight.

“It was her decision to stay,” Devlin said.

“I should have made her come with me! We could have made it together. I could have taken care of her but she was just so scared!”

“Damn it Casey, listen to me! You were a child! There was nothing you could have done. Amanda made it through – she had a good life! She had a beautiful daughter who she loved more than anything else. She was happy!”

Casey shook her head in denial. When her knees finally did buckle, Devlin sank with her to the floor.

“I never got to tell her how sorry I was! She never knew. I loved her so much.” She clung to his shirt desperately.

“I know you did and I know she loved you too and she wouldn’t want this for you. She’d want you to make peace with it and go on with your life.”

“I don’t know how!” she sobbed.

He gathered her close to him and felt the combination of tears and blood quickly soak through his shirt. As her body was racked with years and years’ worth of anguished sobs, he tightened his grip. Seconds turned into minutes but her pain went on. He kept whispering softly that everything would be okay and pressed his lips to the top of her head. When she finally quieted, Devlin could hear a soft knock at the door of the study.

“Daddy?”

“Everything’s okay Ryan,” he called. He heard the door open and looked over his shoulder to see Ryan and Isabel standing hand in hand in the doorway, Isabel’s free hand hanging on to Sampson’s collar. Tears were running down Isabel’s cheeks.

“Why’s Casey crying?” the little girl asked on a hiccup.

“She’s just a little scared honey but I think she’ll feel better if we all give her a big hug.” The kids and dog quickly sank down next to them. Isabel clung to Casey’s side but Ryan hesitated, an abject look of terror on his face. “It’s okay son,” Devlin said as he put out one of his arms and pulled Ryan into the embrace. Casey didn’t react to the children’s presence but instinct told him she knew they were there. The five of them remained that way even when Mrs. Potter arrived a few minutes later to see if anyone wanted hot chocolate. Wisely, she slipped out of the room as quietly as she had entered it.

***

Casey spent the rest of the day hiding out in her room and wondering how she had let Devlin make her admit the truth and what repercussions her admission would have. She’d never realized the hold her guilt had had on her. While she wasn’t exactly relieved to have been forced to face the truth about her actions, a part of her kept hearing Devlin’s words over and over. She
had
only been a child. As much as she had loved Amanda, she couldn’t have forced her sister to do something that she hadn’t been ready to do. And Devlin was right. Amanda had been happy. Being near Isabel and Ryan was proof of that fact. But still, she’d never been able to ask for Amanda’s forgiveness for abandoning her and that would stay with her forever.

The kids hadn’t let her hide herself in her room for long though since they had decided to wait until she was feeling better to finish the tree. Devlin was there when she returned to the living room the next day but he didn’t say anything; he merely nodded at her and the proceeded to help with the tinsel. An hour later, the crowning of the top of the tree with the angel was completed and the kids rushed outside to play in the snow during the remaining couple hours of daylight.

Casey tried to sneak back to her room but Devlin caught her hand gently as she moved past him. “Casey.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. The humiliation of it all still ran deep. “I want to show you something. Will you come with me?” he asked.

Being around him made her feel raw and vulnerable so she was about to say no but when she saw the beseeching in his eyes, she nodded. “All right.” He didn’t release her hand until they reached the front parlor where he pulled her jacket out of the closet and handed it to her. He put his own coat on as well. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” He opened the door and motioned her outside. Instead of the usual limo, he led her to his car, a silver Mercedes sedan. She half expected him to attempt to make conversation during the trip but he didn’t. When they stopped outside of a flower shop he told her he’d be back in a minute and disappeared inside. When he returned, he held a bunch of white roses in his hand. He placed the flowers carefully on the back seat and then got in behind the wheel. Another twenty minutes of silence passed as he picked his way through the busy streets. When the car finally came to a stop, Casey looked around. All she saw was a high brick wall on the right side of the street.

Devlin got out of the car and reached into the back seat for the flowers. He went around to the side and took Casey’s hand in his free one. When he had led her past the open iron gates, she stopped at once, recognizing where they were. Headstone after headstone was all she saw. Devlin gave her a gentle tug and got her moving again. They finally came to a stop near the corner of the cemetery. In front of them was a beautiful, white marble headstone with Amanda’s name on it. The inscription read, “Beloved mother, sister and friend.”

“My parents picked out that inscription?” she asked in shock.

“Not exactly. Your sister’s remains aren’t actually buried here.”

She turned to look at him in shock. “What? Where are they buried?”

“They aren’t. Your parents kept her ashes.”

Casey closed her eyes in disgust. So even in death they wouldn’t let her go.

“Casey, I wasn’t sure if I should bring you here. I know it’s not quite the same thing but I had this headstone made and I purchased this site so that Isabel would have a place to come if she ever needed to talk to her mom. Wherever Amanda is, it isn’t under their roof – you know that.” Devlin hesitated and then placed the flowers on the ground in front of the headstone. “I just wanted you to know about this place in case you ever felt the need to come here. I’m sorry if I upset you.” He tried to take her hand to lead her away but she didn’t move.