Letting Go (14 page)

“You can go now Mr. Sterling.”

“I’m afraid your orders have no bearing on me Miss Wilkes. I am in Mr. Prescott’s employ, not yours,” he responded smugly. He proceeded to sit down at the desk in the corner of the room and sorted through some papers.

“That may be true Mr. Sterling. However, I have a nice little piece of paper in my possession that gives me guardianship over Ryan when Mr. Prescott is unavailable. It gives me permission to make all decisions regarding Ryan’s care as I see fit. If Mr. Prescott decides to bring you back here, that will be his right. But until then, I want you out of this house.” Mr. Sterling glared at her as if trying to break her. But she didn’t waver and in the end, he jammed his books into his leather bag and strode regally past her and out of the room.

***

Devlin watched as Jonas placed a plate in front of him with a plain cheese sandwich. Jonas had the same thing on his plate as he sat down across from Devlin at the wobbly kitchen table. It had been clear from the moment that Devlin entered the house that Jonas had not spent any of the money that had been set up in an account for the shelter. The furniture in the living room was mismatched and from a different era. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the shag carpet was thin from years of use. But the cheese sandwich was the icing on the cake. Two pieces of thin, white bread with a single slice of American cheese in the middle that had been peeled from a piece of plastic.

“You haven’t had any trouble in accessing the account I opened at the bank in the shelter’s name, have you?” asked Devlin conversationally.

“Not that I’m aware of. `Course, I haven’t tried either so that might have something to do with it.” Jonas took a bite out of the sandwich and then slurped down some of the red juice that he had poured into his glass.

“What’s the problem?”

“No problem.”

Devlin eyed the boy. He was proving to be as stubborn as Casey. “She didn’t want the money so you won’t touch it.”

“Mr. Prescott, you tried to bribe my best friend into doing something she wasn’t prepared to do and then when she said no, you decided to blackmail her. What makes you think I want to be any part of that?”

“So repairs to the shelter and paying off the property taxes was okay but anything beyond that offends your morals?” Devlin leaned back in his chair, impressed by the young man’s loyalty.

“Is that why you came here Mr. Prescott? To discuss my morals?”

“No. Actually, I was on my way home from a business trip to Seattle. The stop here was an impulse.”

“Well, my good looks tend to have that effect on people,” Jonas responded as he took another chunk out of the sandwich.

Devlin smiled lightly and shook his head before becoming serious once again. “How well do you know her? I mean really know her.”

Jonas was about to take another bite of the sandwich but he stopped when he heard the question. He studied Devlin for a long time before he leaned back in his chair. “Mr. Prescott, as you may well have guessed, my work load has doubled this past week. That means I don’t have a lot of time or energy to play twenty questions with you. Let’s assume that I would betray my best friend’s confidence for a second so that you can go ahead and ask whatever it is you want to ask, okay? Then I can tell you to go to hell and we can both get on with our day. How does that sound?”

The kid had a lot of guts. “Why do you think she doesn’t like to be touched?” Devlin watched the arrogance deflate and leave the boy’s body. In its place was surprise followed by resignation. He clearly had not been anticipating the question.

“I don’t know the answer to that.”

“But you have an idea.”

Jonas shook his head. “I just assumed it was the abuse she went through growing up.”

“But,” pressed Devlin.

“But I’ve known her for three years and it hasn’t changed.” Jonas hesitated and then looked painfully around the room as if he was confessing a sin. “You know, I tried to help her – to make it better. I hugged her or touched her shoulder or whatever – casual, something normal between two friends. I hoped that if I did it enough, she could learn to trust me.”

“But she doesn’t.”

“No, not deep down where it matters. I think she wants to, I just don’t think she can.”

“Have you ever talked to her about it?”

Jonas shook his head. “She has limits, you know. You can’t push her too hard or she’ll snap.”  He did know.

Both men fell silent for a long moment. “Has she ever told you what she wants out of life?” Devlin asked curiously.

“What, you mean like husband, kids, white picket fence?” Devlin nodded. “It’s kind of hard to dream when you’re too busy trying to keep the nightmares at bay just so you can make it through each day.”

Devlin studied him for a long moment. “So what you’re telling me is, you know her best but you really don’t know her at all.”

Jonas wasn’t offended by the observation. “I know enough about her to realize what an incredible person she is. I look at the way she treats these animals, the way she gives herself completely to them and I know that she has something inside that few people have. But giving that part of herself to another person is something I just don’t think she’ll ever do again – it’s all she has left. So if that means I’ll never be more to her than I am right now, that’s just fine with me.” Devlin had a million more questions but instinct told him that even if Jonas knew the answers, he was through talking.

With half his sandwich still remaining, Jonas had lost what remained of his appetite. He picked up his plate and took it to the counter. “If you try to use what I’ve told you to hurt her in any way…” he began.

“I won’t.”

Jonas nodded and began wrapping his sandwich in cellophane. He went to the table and took Devlin’s plate away and wrapped his untouched sandwich in cellophane as well. He was about to put both sandwiches in the refrigerator when he stopped and said to Devlin, “Did you want to take yours with you for the road?” Devlin stifled a smile and shook his head.

***

“You fired Mr. Sterling,” was all he said when she entered the study. Devlin was in the process of removing his jacket and loosening his tie. He’d been back all of five minutes when Mrs. Potter had sought her out in the backyard to let her know he wanted to see her. Covered in snow from the snow angels she’d been making in the backyard with the kids, Casey watched as he moved back and forth in front of his desk in agitation. She wondered if he even realized he paced when he was upset. The action seemed so out of place for someone who clearly valued control as much as he did.

His arrival had excited the children enough to cause them to run in the house, snowsuits and all, and hurry to the study. Isabel had thrown her small arms around his body as high as she could reach but Ryan had stood in the doorway in silence, a look of longing on his face. Devlin’s response had been a light pat on the shoulder for Isabel and a rebuke for Ryan for tracking snow in the house when he was old enough to know better. Defeated, the boy had collected Isabel and pulled her out the study.

Casey realized Devlin was still waiting for confirmation that she had in fact terminated Mr. Sterling’s employment so she nodded her head. When she didn’t offer any explanation, he stopped pacing and put out his hands. “Well, do you have a reason or were you just bored and needed someone to vent that temper of yours on?”

“Mr. Sterling may be a brilliant man but he has no understanding of how to deal with children.”

“And you do? When in this past week did you become an expert on parenting?”

Casey bit back her temper. “I’m not claiming to know anything about raising children Mr. Prescott. But I know a broken spirit when I see one.”

He stopped pacing again but this time his look was lethal. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Surprisingly, Casey wasn’t bothered by the tone of his voice. His anger made him easier to deal with. “I’m talking about your son.”

“My son’s spirit is just fine.”

“If it were fine, he would be in here right now telling you all about his week instead of trying to get his snowsuit off without making too much more of a mess on your precious floors than he already has.” Casey knew she was pushing her luck but she didn’t care. She could ignore indifference but cruelty, no matter how unintentional, was something she couldn’t tolerate.

“You’re out of line Casey. Don’t psychoanalyze my relationship with my son. We were doing just fine before you came along. Your sister-”

Before he could continue, Casey took a step forward, her eyes blazing. “I have no doubt that my sister was a terrific nanny Mr. Prescott. However, I don’t believe for a second, that she would have come to you about something like this. Confrontation wasn’t in her nature. So she did the next best thing. She tried to make up for you. You said yourself that she had him talking and laughing in a matter of days. Why do you suppose that is?”

“We’re done here,” said Devlin as he went around his desk.

Casey went up to the desk and put her hands down on it and met his hard gaze. “Your son has to love you with a broken heart Devlin. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do?” She didn’t expect a response and she didn’t get one. Turning on her heel, she left the room. Devlin fell into his chair. Much of his anger had left him at her last words. It couldn’t be true. Ryan was a little boy. Children his age focused on toys and friends and they healed fast when bad things happened. Ryan just needed time and he would be fine.  His son knew that he loved him and was proud of him. He was fine.

Devlin said the line over and over in his head several times but somehow it didn’t bring the comfort it always had in the past. He turned his attention to his computer and brought up his email but couldn’t focus on any of the words. A sound from near the door to the study caught his attention. As he looked up, his blood ran cold. There, just outside the door, was his son, on hands and knees, an old dishtowel clenched in his right hand as he carefully wiped up the small pools of water from the wood floor.

Ryan heard his father’s footsteps coming towards him but he forced himself to keep his eyes on the towel in his hand. Instead of walking past him though, his father stopped and closed his large hand over Ryan’s upper arm. Confused and startled by the gentle touch, Ryan watched as his father dropped to his own knees, heedless of the remaining water on the floor. Before he could even apologize for his carelessness at dripping the water on the floor in the first place, he felt his father’s arms wrap around him, the wet, dirty dishtowel squashed between them. He heard his father whisper his name and when he felt the moisture on his shoulder, he knew it had nothing to do with the water he’d been cleaning up.

Casey was just returning from a walk with Sampson the next morning when Mr. Sterling pulled up in a cab. He got out of the car and strutted past her, a smug expression on his face. Disappointed, Casey watched him disappear into the townhouse. So she hadn’t been able to make Devlin understand after all. That fact hadn’t surprised her but deep down she had hoped he would be different. But people never seemed to see what was right in front of them. She took in a deep, cool breath and made a decision. Despite her temporary presence in their life, she would do everything in her power to make sure that Ryan and Isabel knew that they were special – that they were someone. Maybe if she did it well enough then they would have something to hold onto when people like Devlin and her parents tried to bring them down.

Once inside the house, she heard raised but muffled voices coming from the study. She imagined that Mr. Sterling was giving it to Devlin with both barrels. He was probably insisting that Devlin fire her. Too little, too late she thought as she made her way up the stairs towards her room. Before she made it to her door, she heard Isabel and Ryan come tearing down the hall.

“Hi Casey,” they shouted as they ran towards her. The use of her first name didn’t surprise her as she had insisted they start calling her by it when she had started acting as their nanny. They had resisted at first for fear that Devlin would find out but now it flowed naturally off their tongues.

“Where are you off to?” she asked as she glanced at their clothes. Gone were Isabel’s dresses and Ryan’s slacks. Ryan was wearing jeans and a plain red sweatshirt while Isabel was sporting overalls with a turtleneck underneath.

“Daddy’s gonna fix the greenhouse and he says we can help!” Ryan announced happily as he rushed past her and down the stairs.

“Are you gonna help?” asked Isabel, her hair still in the special braid that Casey had done for her again that morning.

“Um, maybe later. Have fun, okay?” The little girl nodded and followed Ryan down the stairs. Casey entered her room, deep in thought. She glanced at her watch. It was the middle of the morning on Monday. Ryan was supposed to be starting his lessons soon. She had imagined that Devlin would have been back at his office bright and early since his return only yesterday. Going to her window, she glanced outside at the greenhouse. She saw Isabel and Ryan, along with Sampson and Devlin’s father, emerge from the house and hurry to the small glass structure. She hadn’t even realized Devlin’s parents were here; they must have arrived while she’d been on her walk with Sampson. A few moments later, Devlin and his mother appeared. Devlin was dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a loose work shirt. Stunned and terribly curious, Casey sat in the bay window and watched the group.

Devlin and Sean disappeared into the shed. Devlin came out with a huge trashcan and said something to his mother. Marilyn directed the two kids into the greenhouse and they began carrying out the dead, rotted plants and dumping them into the trashcan. When her eyes once again found Devlin, she was surprised to find his gaze on her. He was standing near the shed where his father was hunched over some piece of equipment that probably powered the greenhouse. At his intent stare, Casey stood and left the window. She didn’t see Devlin lean down to Ryan and Isabel and say something as his finger pointed to her window.

***

Within ten minutes, the two pairs of puppy dog eyes had done their job and Casey found herself at work in the greenhouse. Devlin’s parents had greeted her warmly but the man himself had only given her a polite nod. She had been surprised to see none of the same coldness in his eyes when she’d flung those harsh truths at him. More surprising was his demeanor with the children as they played and worked. Instead of a sharp rebuke when Ryan dropped a pot and dirt flew everywhere, Devlin had ignored the horrified look on his son’s face and given him a light pat on the shoulder and then proceeded to help him clean up the mess. Both kids were covered head to toe in a layer of dirt and snow but he didn’t seem to care. Hope flowed through her briefly as she wondered if maybe he had heard her words. But then she remembered Mr. Sterling’s presence that morning. No, it was more likely that Devlin’s attitude change was a show for his parents and nothing more. Casey returned her attention to her work and didn’t spare Devlin Prescott another glance.

***

Two days later and in the middle of the night, Casey stood in what looked like a tropical forest. The greenhouse was finished and Devlin’s special order of plants and exotic flowers had arrived just that morning. The heat in the small building caused the hair at the nape of her neck to cling to her damp skin. She was in awe of the fact that she stood in the middle of paradise while a fierce winter storm was beginning to brew outside. This was already her third trip to the greenhouse. The smell of the blooms and the softness of the petals seemed to call to her. She couldn’t remember ever having seen anything as beautiful before. As she walked down the length of the small building, she stopped and took in the scent of each type of flower. Since the heat from inside caused the windows to fog up, she didn’t see Devlin until he was already inside the building. She whirled around at the sound of the door opening. He was as equally startled to see her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here,” he said lamely.

“I was just going back to bed.” She started to move past him but he stepped in her path but made no move to touch her.

“Please don’t go.” He watched her take several steps back from him, her defenses instantly up, her eyes wary. He looked around as if trying to come up with something to say. “I never thanked you for your help with the greenhouse.” She didn’t respond. His eyes trapped hers and held them. “Thank you,” he said softly. Casey knew instantly that he wasn’t thanking her for the greenhouse at all.

“It’s beautiful. I’m glad you decided to restore it.”

He studied her for a long moment. She shifted nervously as if preparing herself for some verbal assault. “After my wife took her own life,” he began. His words caught for a moment before he continued. “Afterwards, I assumed the greenhouse would just take care of itself, you know. I mean, it had everything it needed to live, right? But if I had just taken a closer look, I would have known something was wrong. I would have been able to prevent what happened.” He hesitated and dropped his eyes to the ground. “But it just never occurred to me that my attention was necessary. I won’t make that mistake again,” he vowed as he lifted his eyes to meet hers again. Casey held her breath as she realized the meaning behind his words.

Devlin watched her as she put together what he was trying to tell her. So many times he had wanted to go up to her room and apologize for his unforgivable behavior towards her. From the moment she had set foot into his house, she had surprised him at every turn. He’d done nothing but criticize and humiliate her and when she had acted in the best interest of his own son, he had raged at her. Now all he wanted to do was take away the pain he had caused her but he didn’t know how. Helplessness like he had never known went through him. “How do you do it?” The words were out before he could stop them.

“Do what?”

Sadness came over him then and he didn’t answer her. If he pursued the issue, he would only cause her more hurt.

“Nothing,” he said as he shook his head. “Um, I wanted to let you know that a hearing date has been set for February 2nd. I also have to go out of town again this week starting tomorrow but I’ll be back in time for Saturday’s dinner.” He turned to leave but then stopped and turned to face her. “For what it’s worth, I fired Mr. Sterling. I know that apologizing to you can’t even begin to make up for the way I’ve treated you but I hope you won’t hold it against the children.” He studied her for a long moment and then smiled sadly. “No, you wouldn’t do that, would you?” With that, he left the greenhouse.

More confused than ever, Casey watched him go. She had never seen him look so broken before. He had confirmed what she had already begun to suspect; he was trying to rebuild his relationship with his son. So why did he look so lost and confused? What did he still want? The question stayed with her that night and in the days that followed.

***

With Devlin gone again and no tutor in sight, Casey’s role with the children expanded to include daily schooling. Luckily, her lack of a high school diploma didn’t play a significant role since Ryan was only seven and still at a stage in his educational career that even Casey could keep up with. She did it more to keep the kids in the habit of being in school and doing homework than anything else. The morning cab lessons also continued. Devlin’s reconnection with his son had done wonders with the boy’s confidence and he was soon sitting on the dirty vinyl seats with the engine running. The only thing left was to get the door closed and put the car in motion. But as close to her goal as she was, Casey never forced him or urged him in any way. Any action he took was done on his own without coercion.

To Casey’s astonishment and the children’s’ delight, Devlin called via video each night while he was away in order to talk Ryan and Isabel and to wish them a good night. The kids were so excited after talking to him that it was all she good do to get them into bed.

As the weekend loomed closer, Casey started to worry about the dinner she had agreed to go to with Devlin. Their relationship was strained to its limit and the idea of spending even one night with him left her in knots and having to pretend she was something she wasn’t around his friends made her cringe. But even as difficult as things had been between them, she didn’t want to embarrass him so she’d just have to figure out a way to become someone she wasn’t.

***

Devlin carefully studied his reflection in the ornately gold-framed mirror in the front entryway. Not a hair out of place. He adjusted the cuff links on his wrists and then glanced at his watch. They were already running ten minutes late.

“Be careful with her,” came a soft voice from his left. Devlin turned to see his mother studying him carefully. She and his father had gladly agreed to baby-sit for the evening.

“With who? You mean Casey?” he asked.

“She is but a child herself.”

“I assure you mother, this is strictly business.”

“Darling, she’s not one of your mergers,” Marilyn replied as she moved to his side and straightened his bow tie even though it was already straight.

“Everything’s under control,” he responded, ending the conversation. His sharp witted mother had suspected why Casey was here and Devlin had finally confirmed his mother’s suspicions but hadn’t revealed more than the basic facts. Luckily, she hadn’t pried further because Devlin wasn’t ready to explain the relationship that had developed between him and the young woman. How could he explain something he didn’t understand himself?

In addition to his confusing feelings for Casey he was also finding that his work no longer excited him like it used to. Instead of anticipating the conquest of furthering his company with each business transaction he made, Devlin found himself thinking about which meetings he could skip or pawn off on one of his staff members so that he could get home sooner. His budding relationship with his son had torn something wide open inside and his need to be a good father had suddenly become his first priority. The sight of his son down on hands and knees cleaning up a wet floor had rattled him more than he wanted to admit. After Jennifer’s death, Devlin had realized that he hadn’t given her the attention she needed but he hadn’t realized he was doing the same thing with his son. He had been on autopilot for so long that he had missed what was right in front of him. If Casey hadn’t had the courage to call him on it he would have continued to be oblivious and he could have lost his son too.

When his thoughts drifted to Casey he had to steel his body against the immediate pain of being so close to her but so far away. He had tried to keep it all business between them but his heart wasn’t cooperating. His desire for her had him on edge whenever she was near and he found her invading his thoughts at all times of the day. He had promised himself that he would stay away from her but he knew more and more every day that is was going to be a promise he couldn’t keep.

“Honey,” his mother said softly.

Ripped from his thoughts, Devlin looked at her and then followed her gaze upwards. She was stunning. Her rich, golden hair was piled in a layer of curls on her head, shimmering like silk wherever the light caught it. A few strategically placed long curls hung down her back and around her face. Long, thick black lashes framed her dark green eyes and a touch of blush brightened her flawless complexion. Even the scar was virtually invisible. Her silver, floor length gown swirled around her like liquid glass as she moved. The back of the dress was high, but the front dipped low enough to show her bare neck and collarbone. Elbow length silver gloves, a matching purse and high-heeled shoes completed the ensemble.

When she reached the bottom stair, Devlin’s eyes connected with hers. He had expected to find some sign of anxiety or fear but instead he saw only indifference. Her own transformation clearly didn’t impress her and he was amazed to realize that as beautiful as she looked he missed the real her. There was no light in her eyes – it was like she had checked out the moment she stepped into that killer dress. Devlin heard his mother cough softly behind him and realized he had yet to say anything. His mother beat him to it.