Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (12 page)

“
Woah, woah, woah. Hang
on.” He leapt off his own barstool and stood in front of me. “You
are not a hussy. What happened was unexpected and
hot
.” He winked at me
and I covered my face with my hands. “And it never has to happen
again.”

What? Did I want it to
happen again? Hell if I knew. “It wasn’t how I expected things to
be with us.” I sighed, “Shit, I never expected
us
to
be
again.”

“
Cassidy, Misty assured me
that they wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. Well, maybe it was
Roxy. I don’t know. But whatever. I don’t want last night to ruin
things for us.” His hands were on my shoulders and I felt so
lost.

“
I’m so confused, Paul.” I
recognized the song that came on and was immediately taken back to
that summer.

~ PAUL ~

Cal had gone to a buddy’s
party and I had contrived that I wasn’t feeling good. Cal and
Cassidy’s dad, Dave, had gone to dinner with his girlfriend.
Cassidy and I had a few hours to ourselves. She’d told them she had
plans with a friend, but was hiding out in the barn until they both
left.

I was sitting in the
living room, ready to go find her when she burst back through the
back door. Standing, I strolled to the back of the house and she
met me half way. She jumped in my arms as I twirled her around. A
few hours alone, we were so excited and had been looking forward to
it all day.

She turned the stereo on
and put a mixed CD in to play and turned it up. She’d made the
compilation a couple days earlier and we listened to it when we
could.
Wherever You Will Go by The
Calling
started playing. She
pulled a frozen pizza out of the freezer and turned the oven on. I
pulled her away from her task as we danced around the
kitchen.

“
I’ve been waiting for
this all day!”

She looked up to me and
smiled that brilliant smile. “Let’s run away together.” She was
teasing, but part of me wanted to.

“
Anything you
want.”

Laughing, she retorted,
“Don’t tease me, Paul. You can’t just leave the service.” She
kissed me before saying, “I’m not going anywhere.”

I squeezed her tightly and
wished that I could just leave the service. I loved what I did, but
she was beginning to mean more to me than any other thing in the
world could ever mean. I’d heard guys talk about this. I was
falling for her. No question about it.

“
It’s our song.” She
closed her eyes and dropped her head to my chest. I pulled her
close as she wrapped her arms loosely around my waist. We held on
to each other as I gently moved us to the song. How I wished I
could turn back time. All I wanted was to make her mine, just like
the song stated.

That song ended and another
began as she looked to me, “Is this the CD I made…”

“
Yes.”

Her mouth hung open for a
moment before she stated, with a hint of shock in her voice, “I
can’t believe you kept it.”

“
Of course I kept it.” She
smiled at me before laying her head on my chest again. “Cassidy…” I
didn’t know what to say. The words stuck in my throat. I knew what
I
wanted
to say,
but she was fighting a battle with herself that I had to let her
fight.

“
Yes?”

“
Nothing. Just know that I
am truly sorry about how things went down last night, but I want to
move forward. I don’t want one night to wreck things for
us.”

Her eyes left mine as she
gazed at my shirt. “I know. Let’s finish dinner and just see where
we end up.”

We were on the couch some
time later, watching a movie. There was a pretty intense love scene
playing out on my TV as we sat and watched, her curled into my
side. I didn’t make a move on her, though I wanted to. When the
movie was over, she sat up and I could tell she was still
uncomfortable.

“
Paul, I think I should
go.”

Sighing, “Is there anything
I can do or say to change your mind?” I rubbed my hands over my
face before leaning on my knees while I waited for her answer. She
searched my face and then hung her head while she stared at her own
hands.

Barely above a whisper, she
confessed, “I care about you so much. You were the last thing I
expected to walk back into my life.”

I waited for her to go on
and when she didn’t I grumbled, “But?” She lifted her tear filled
eyes back to mine, “What do you want, Cassidy?” I didn’t dare ask
‘who’ because I was terrified that it wouldn’t be me.

“
I think I need time and
space. We jumped in head first way too fast. My divorce won’t even
be final until November.” She stood up abruptly and I joined her.
“I’m so sorry.”

I was paralyzed and didn’t
know what to do or say. I was losing her all over again, but this
time by her choice and not mine. “Cassidy.” She turned to me and I
closed the distance between us and wrapped her in my arms. She
didn’t fight the hug, in fact she may have squeezed me as hard as I
did her.

“
I really am sorry, Paul.
I understand if you hate me.”

“
I don’t hate you. I could
never hate you. I don’t think I ever stopped loving
you.”

She jerked her head up at
my words, her baby blues branding my soul. Her hands held my face
as she pulled my lips to hers. My heart was on the line and didn’t
know whether to jump the line or run from it. She’d just told me
she needed space, hadn’t she? I didn’t care. I was going to take
the kiss as far as she’d let me.

Our tongues became tangled,
competing for power. I couldn’t pull her close enough and I vaguely
recall that her shirt hit the floor before her fingers dug into my
scalp. “I’m not going to stop unless you tell me to.” We were both
panting as I trailed my teeth along her neck. If it was a goodbye
fuck she wanted, I was going to do it right. When she walked away
from me—if she walked away—it would be with trembling legs in a
passion induced coma.

Her hands pushed at me as
she backed away from me. “Wait.” She was shaking her head, “I
can’t, we can’t do this.” She bent over, picking up her shirt and
put it back on. “This isn’t right.”

I slumped against the wall,
my raging hard-on quickly shrinking. Staring at the floor, I
watched as her feet moved toward me. Her hands reached for me and I
pushed them away as my eyes found hers. “Please don’t.”

She took a step back and
nodded her head as if understanding. “I’m sorry, Paul.”

“
I am, too.” She turned
toward the door and as her hand turned the knob I reminded her,
“Anything you want. Is he willing to do that?”

She froze for a moment
before opening the door and then walked out, leaving it open.
Pushing myself off the wall, I walked to the door and slammed it
shut, but not before confirming her security detail was still
there. He was.

Feeling sorry for myself, I
grabbed a beer and plopped on the couch as I scanned the channels.
I wanted her more than she wanted me. I knew that I had waited too
long and pondered what I would’ve done differently. I woke up on
the couch a few hours later and hauled my sorry ass up to
bed.

The next week came and went
without a word from her. I knew she was dealing with a lot and I
debated about reaching out to her. Deciding against it was one of
the hardest things I’d ever done. She knew I wanted her and there
wasn’t much else I could do to prove it. She asked for space and I
had to give it to her. I focused on work because that was all I
had.

C
hapter
8
~
B
roken

~ CASSIDY ~

I pulled out of his
driveway and headed home. Once I pulled in the driveway I broke
down. It would’ve been so easy to stay with him and let our bodies
take over. I was attracted to him, there was no question there, but
he wanted more than I could offer him. I was married to the only
man I wanted, but my husband didn’t want to be married to me. I
started sobbing as another memory bombarded me.

I found myself in the
barn, up in the hayloft. Collapsing on a pile of hay, I grabbed the
blanket that Paul and I had left there and pulled it to me. His
scent, though faded, still lingered there. The hayloft became an
easy hiding spot for us on the cooler nights. I wasn’t ready for
him to leave. I knew he had to go, but I thought I had more time
with him.

“
Cassidy?”

“
Paul!”

“
No, Cal. Are you
ok?”

I pulled myself up and
wiped my tears away, unable to make eye contact. Cal sat down next
to me and wrapped his arm around my back, cupping my shoulder.
Shaking me gently when I resisted him, he pulled me to him. Burying
my face in my hands, I was aware of my brother rubbing my
back.

“
I know it’s hard here
without me. I’ll miss you, too, but everything will be fine. I’ll
be home again before you know it.”

“
I know, I
just…”

“
What’s going on with you?
You’ve never taken it this hard.” I felt my eyes bug out and the
flush spread across my face. Cal always knew when I was hiding
something. “Why did you think I was Paul? I swear to God if he’s
put a hand on you.”

“
NO! No, everything is
fine. There’s nothing going on with Paul.”

Cal was raging inside—and
out—with the thought that Paul had taken advantage of me, when in
reality Paul had been a perfect gentleman. I had been the one
throwing myself at him.

“
Cassidy Arianna Charles,
you tell me the truth right now!”

“
I swear, there’s nothing
going on between Paul and me. It’s just a stupid crush, nothing
more. I promise.” I lied to Cal through my teeth, probably for the
first time, and prayed that he’d believe me.

He bought the lie and
convinced me to come finish breakfast. When I returned to the
kitchen Paul’s plate was empty and he was nowhere in
sight.

Paul made himself scarce
rest of that day. I felt like an idiot. Had the last few weeks been
a waste? I became angry. That night, when I was sure everyone else
was asleep, I snuck into the guest room that Paul was occupying.
The lights were off and his bed was empty. Where was he?

I crept down the stairs to
the front door and stepped outside, after slipping on my shoes.
Walking to the back of the house, I peered out into the night
desperate to find him. I started walking to the back lot where our
tree was. He’d carved our initials into that tree a couple nights
prior. It was very childish, yet romantic. When I was far enough
from the house, I began calling his name. Nothing. Maybe he was in
the barn. When I made it to the barn, the moon full in the sky,
illuminated his figure standing in the hay loft opening. I was so
relieved to have found him.

There was a tap on my
window. Ryan. I turned off my car and stepped out as he asked, “Is
everything ok Mrs. Benedict?”

“
Please don’t call me
that. You can call me Cassidy.” He nodded. “I’m ok.”

“
If you need anything,
please let me know.”

“
Thank you.” I walked up
my steps and straight up to my room.

The next morning when I was
going through my mail I found a letter with a return address that
made my heart sink. It was from the gallery Holly had worked at. I
opened it and found that they were selling all of her artwork in a
few weeks. I was livid. Sara had assured me that they didn’t have
any of her art and Cal and I had thought that odd. Holly loved to
paint and draw. I had a few small pieces of hers, but couldn’t
believe there wasn’t more. Sara had blatantly lied to me and now
they were going to benefit from it. And there was nothing I could
do about it.

The next couple of days
came and went. Cecily was present less and less as Melissa and I
took over. Melissa and I were eating lunch in my office together
that Wednesday. I could tell she wanted to say something, I just
wasn’t sure what it was.

“
Cassidy, can we talk
woman to woman?”

I gazed up at her and
realized her eyes weren’t blue, they were brown. Colored contacts?
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what she had to say. But if we were
going to be business partners, we needed to be able to get along. I
nodded my consent. She got up from her spot and closed my door
before sitting back down.

“
I wanted you to know the
truth. I have a lot of demons and I always looked to James as the
person who could vanquish them. After my attack, I realized that
only I can do that.” She stopped, as if waiting to make sure I was
still with her before she continued. “James and I haven’t slept
together in nearly two years. I know you may not believe me, but
it’s true. Not that I didn’t try.”

I wanted to believe her,
but still wasn’t sure if I should. “That doesn’t explain why you’re
living with him.”

“
He was trying to protect
me. He keeps those he cherishes close to him.” I must’ve paled
because she immediately tried retracting her statement. “That’s not
what I meant.”