Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (4 page)

Frank nodded his head and
suddenly Jane and I were the only ones left inside. I sat there
thinking about all the horrible things that could’ve happened to
James and I had been none the wiser. What if he’d called me,
looking for a lifeline, or a cry for help? I’d spent my days
mourning the loss of a child I’d never get to know and a marriage
that seemed forever lost. No matter how hard I tried to make myself
hate him, I couldn’t do it. A few minutes later, the door opened
and everyone came walking back in, Annie included.

“
Hey, Cassidy.”

“
Hey.”

Everyone stared at her as
if they knew she’d have the information we sought. “James, is fine.
He needed some time away. I assure you he’s ok.”

My fear turned into joy,
knowing he was ok, and then it boiled into anger. I tried taking a
few deep breaths to calm myself. I began shaking and stood before
walking toward the door.

“
Cassidy?”

“
WHAT?” Annie looked a
little taken aback at my tone. “What do you want me to say? All
this fuss and commotion, when all the while he’s fine and YOU knew
he was fine. I thought he was dead when I walked in here and found
out no one’s heard a word from him for a week. I’m his WIFE, at
least legally. What the fuck is wrong with
you
people?” Glaring at Smith, “You
expect me to believe you didn’t know where he was when she
does?”

“
Cassidy, I
swear.”

“
You can all rot in hell.”
Cal’s eyes were the last I saw as I walked out the door. There was
no judgment there. He was mad, too. I could tell. For once I may
have spoken before he had the chance to. As I made it to my car, I
felt a hand on my arm. Whipping around, I came face to face with
Paul. “Don’t!”

“
Cassidy, I’m really
sorry. I can’t begin to understand…”

“
No, you can’t. Please.
Leave me alone. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’m
angry and I need some time.”

“
Ok. Just let me know when
you get home safe.”

I scoffed. “Please. With my
twenty-four hour tail, I’ll be fine.” I pointed at Ryan, who was
parked on the street. “This shit is getting old.” I climbed in the
car and drove home.

It took me hours to get to
sleep that night. Horrifying scenarios ran rampant through my head
of the terrible things that could’ve happened to James. That didn’t
include the things that came to mind of James and infidelity. How
did I know he wasn’t drowning his sorrows in some sex at the club?
Maybe we were both better off. God, I just wanted all the hurt to
stop.

C
hapter
3
~
L
ost

~ JAMES ~

I was headed to the
townhouse and hoped she’d see me. We were going to have a baby
together and I wanted to do anything and everything I could to
get
us
back. Dr.
Pratt had been more than obliging over the last week and helped me
more than he knew. I had yet to turn on my cell phone or check my
email, knowing I’d find a barrage of inquiries to my lack of
presence over the last two weeks. Cassidy was my number one
priority and I wasn’t going to let anything distract me from
that.

I was parked outside when
her car pulled in the drive. She was home early. The license plate
put a smile on my face as I watched her walk to the door. She
seemed lost in thought as she closed the front door behind her. I
climbed out of the truck and made my way up the steps.

Knocking on the door, I
waited for her to answer. When she opened the door, she stared at
me like I was a ghost. “Can I come in?”

She just nodded as I
stepped through the doorway. I couldn’t help it as my eyes drifted
to her still flat belly. I wondered when she’d start showing. I
knew that the books I’d read said it was a little different for
everyone.

The emotions were written
all over her face. She avoided my eyes as I watched her own become
glassy. “Cassidy?”

“
No. Please.” Stepping
closer, my knuckles grazed her cheek as a small tremor ran through
her. “I’m angry with you. No, infuriated.”

“
I know. I’m sorry.”
Before I expected it, she wrapped her arms around my torso and
buried her face in my chest.

“
I thought you were dead.
Where have you been?”

“
I was getting my head put
back on straight.” Rubbing my hands on her back, I buried my nose
in her hair. “I wasn’t prepared for the news that I was going to be
a father. We have to stop hurting each other just because we
can.”

She pulled back and stared
at me like I’d grown a second head. “James, the baby…”

“
I know. We have a lot to
talk about. Please hear me out.”

She shook my arms off her,
“No, you don’t understand.” I looked at her confused. “Have you
talked to anyone since you left?”

“
No. What’s going on? I
came straight here, to you.”

“
James, I lost the baby.”
The tears rolled down her cheeks and I felt the color drain from my
face.

“
I don’t, but, what do you
mean?”

She turned from me and
headed toward the couch. “I miscarried a couple days after you
left. There’s nothing anyone could’ve done.” I watched her curl up
on the couch and place her head in her hands.

I stood there and watched
her as she sat, silent, for far too long. I couldn’t process any
reasonable thoughts. What did I say, what did I do to make this
better for her? I couldn’t fathom her pain. Pain? Had it hurt?
Jesus, I wanted to be sick.

“
There’s no baby. You’re
free now. It’s ok.”

“
What? No. That’s not what
I want. I
want
you. I
want
the baby.” I knelt down in front of her, still in denial. “I
want us and our little family.”

Her breath hitched as she
traced my scar, “But there is no little family. It wasn’t meant to
be. You can go.”

“
This is my
fault.”

“
We’re both to blame,
James. I forgive you. I just need to figure out how to forgive
myself. The doctors said I should still be able to have kids, this
one just wasn’t meant to be.”

No. I wanted
our
baby. My hands
circled her hips as I laid my head in her lap. My baby, our baby,
was gone. In the blink of an eye. And I’d left her, to suffer
through it alone.

“
I’m so sorry I wasn’t
here with you. I wanted to be.” Her hands began stroking through my
hair. God, I’d missed her touch. “I’m sorry you went through it
alone. That was never my intention.”

“
I wasn’t alone. Not
really.”

My head snapped up at that.
What did she mean? Had Jane been with her? “Jane?” She just shook
her head. “Cal?”

A tear slid down her cheek.
“No, he didn’t even know about the baby until it was too late.” I
pulled away from her. There was only one other person. We both knew
that. “James. I was alone and he was the only other person who
knew. He stayed with me. Night and day.”

Her words were just making
it worse. Innocent or not. She was just validating everything I was
paranoid about. Paul was the one who was there when she needed me.
ME. I was a coward and had run.

She tried reaching for
me.
Breathe James, just breathe.
“No! No, it wasn’t meant to be. You’re
right.”

“
James?”

“
I’m sorry. This never
should’ve happened.” She took my words the wrong way and I saw the
wall go up, again.

“
Please go.”

“
Cassidy…”

“
GO! Maybe Annie can help
you, since she seems to be the only one you choose to confide in.
You’re too late. It’s too late.” I stood up slowly and paced the
small space. “You’re always too late.”

The dagger was already in
me, her words just twisted it. She was right. I was too late. I
walked out as the rain clouds began to pour down on me. Always too
late.

~ CASSIDY ~

He walked back out the
door. I didn’t cry and actually thought I might have emptied my
reserves, the well run dry. For the first time in years I wanted my
mom, no matter what she’d done or said to me. I just wanted to
confide in her, woman to woman. My grandmother would’ve been a
great alternative, but she was gone too. My phone rang and it was
Jane.

Jane convinced me I should
go with her and Cal to her family’s cottage, up north. I didn’t
want to intrude on their alone time, but Jane had insisted I
wouldn’t be intruding. The wedding was just over a month away and
we could use some time to enjoy ourselves. Unable to deny that I
could use some time away, I conceded to going. She said that they’d
swing by and pick me up before dinner time.

Not sure what to pack, I
threw a little bit of everything in my bag. I needed to be
somewhere that didn’t remind me of him and that was the main reason
I had agreed to go. My heart was scattered, in a million jagged
pieces, on the floor of my soul. Paul and James had each staked
their claim to bits and pieces of it. The whole thing was made
worse by the fact that James and Paul were friends, and Paul was
still working for James.

Maybe a weekend away was
exactly what I needed to figure out what, if either of them, was
what I wanted. Who was I kidding? I knew who I wanted, but did he
want me? I was beginning to doubt it. My head was beyond fucked up
and I didn’t care anymore.

Pulled from my thoughts, I
heard the horn from my brother’s truck, grabbed my bag and headed
for the door. Opening the passenger side back door, I slid my bag
on the floor and climbed up.

“
Hey gorgeous.”

My heart stopped and I
looked over to see Paul occupying the spot behind Cal.
Fuck.
I looked to Cal
who was oblivious and then to Jane who shrugged her shoulders and
pointed at Cal. Being in Paul’s presence all weekend wasn’t going
to help me with my issues
.

“
Hey, I didn’t know you
were coming.”

“
Cal invited me. Hope
that’s ok?”

“
Of course.” I lied
through my teeth, buckled in and geared up for the three hour
drive.

When I woke, I was in
Paul’s lap. Not sure how I ended up there, I pushed myself up and
moved to my side of the seat.

“
Sorry about
that.”

“
It’s all
good.”

We pulled up a long
driveway shortly after. Eventually we came to a clearing and before
us was a huge log home, not a cottage. There were lights on and I
recognized one of the vehicles as Smith’s. My stomach immediately
sank.
What the hell?
I felt like banging my head on the wall. Odds were if Smith
was there, James might show. Of course, I had no idea given he’d
disappeared for two weeks. Maybe he’d disappear again. It was going
to be a really fucking awkward weekend, regardless.

As we were unloading, Jane
walked over. “I’m really sorry, Cassidy. I really did think it
would be just the three of us.”

“
Story of my life. I’ll
survive.”
Lord help me
. “He’s back.”

She looked to me,
surprised. “James?”

“
Yes. He came over before
you called.”

“
Oh, Cassidy. Are you ok?
Did you tell him?”

“
I’m not sure I know what
ok is anymore. He knows.”

“
And?”

I just shrugged my
shoulders. “I’m not sure. I think he thinks I want Paul and I think
he wants out.”

“
Cassidy, I don’t know
what to say? I can talk to him.”

“
It’s ok. Let’s just get
through this weekend first.”

Walking in the front door,
after climbing up the porch, you could hear music playing. As I
took in the grandeur of the place I knew it was the biggest log
cabin I’d ever been in or seen.

Jane announced, “Ok. There
are plenty of bedrooms, so, take your pick.” Jane led Cal up the
stairs and Paul and I followed suit. She went on explaining that
her parent’s, along with James’, built the house together almost
twenty years ago and had updated it a few years back. Almost every
bedroom had its own bathroom and some were ‘jack n jill’
style.

Jane pulled Cal into a
room close to the staircase and they shut the door giggling. I
rolled my eyes and made my way along the open banister. Down below
I saw Smith and Delaney playing pool. Delaney waved to me and I
waved back.
Where was James?
Maybe he hadn’t come.

I strolled past five or
six more doors before picking the door at the end of the hall. I
wanted nothing more than to be as far away from the couples
as possible. Looking behind me, I saw Paul go
into a bedroom a few doors back. Hopefully the room I picked was
unoccupied and I liked that it was seemingly away from the bustle
of the rest of the house.