Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (34 page)

With my hands in her hair,
my teeth mashed against hers, harder than I intended, and I crashed
my lips to hers. She moaned in surprise, but quickly succumbed to
my brutal kiss. My hands worked through her hair, over the back of
her neck and back again till I was stroking her jaw with the pads
of my thumbs. I licked at her lips as she moaned again and sagged
against the wall. My dick was rock hard and I couldn’t remember
wanting someone more. I didn’t give a shit that we were on a public
street and anyone could see us. Her tongue found mine as she had me
release a growl of my own. Fuck, she tasted good. Her hands were
frantically pulling on me as I leaned into her and pressed my
hard-on against her.

Gasping, “James.” I
silenced her with another kiss as I ground my pelvis against
hers.

I had to stop this. What
the hell was wrong with me? She was making me lose my mind and I
didn’t care. I wanted to sink my dick into her so bad that I was
willing to do anything, almost anything.

“
James, take me
home.”

Pulling back, I looked to
her. Fuck my rules. I grabbed her hand as we walked back to my
bike. I handed her the helmet as I put on my own and started the
bike. “Get on!” It wasn’t a request and she climbed on and gripped
my hips as I drove us home.

We walked in the front door
and I pulled her up the steps behind me, eager to spread her out on
that big bed. I yanked her close once we were in the room and was
torn between taking my time and devouring her that very instant. I
slowed down the kiss and worked my mouth back to her ear as my
hands ran under the hem of her shirt. Her skin was soft as she
trembled against my fingers and I wanted to touch every part of
her. She was very responsive and I knew immediately it must have
been one of the things that drew me to her.

She was timid, but in a
good way and not abrasive like many women I’d been with. While I
already knew she was unlikely to ever make the first move, she
wouldn’t back down once things began. Her fingers were tangled in
my hair as she pulled on its length. It wasn’t something I was used
to. Usually my women were restrained or discouraged from touching
me. This was a whole new ballgame to me, well, not new, but one I
hadn’t played in a very long time. Even Melissa and I had
guidelines we followed, until she tried changing them.

“
James, are you
ok?”

I was totally distracted
and she knew it. Focus James! “Sorry, I, am I moving too fast?” She
just shook her head and tried pulling me closer.

“
No, I’ve been dying of
anticipation for this moment. Please, tell me you’ll move back in
here, with me. I want this to be our bedroom again.” I pulled away
and she tried to close the distance between us. “James. Don’t go.”
She already knew.

“
I, we, I should’ve taken
you to the club. I can’t do this.”

“
Yes, you can.” She pulled
her shirt over her head and I sucked in my breath at her beauty. My
eyes immediately falling to the tattoo on her ribcage, but the
lighting was all wrong for me to make it out. “Please James, I’ll
do whatever you want. Please don’t go. Stay with me.”

It was too much pressure.
The intimacy she was used to I couldn’t give her and didn’t know if
I’d ever be able to. Backing away from her, I confessed, “I’m not
ready for this. We need a contract.” It was the only thing I knew
that could protect us both.

“
What!” She grabbed her
shirt off the floor and put it back on. “I’m not one of your subs!
I’m your wife. Take me to the club if you want, but don’t insult me
with a contract.”

“
I didn’t mean to insult
you.” Before I could say anything more, she threw her purse at me,
just missing my head. The contents fell to floor and scattered
after it hit the door jamb. “I just, I’m so fucked in the head I
don’t know how to do this.” I pointed around the room and she knew
what I was referring to.

It was barely a whisper as
she pleaded, “Try. For me, please try.”

I walked toward the door,
stepping over the contents, and said, “I just, I can’t. I need more
time.” I don’t know if she knew I heard her next words, but I did
and they hurt.

“
You always leave me alone
in the dark.” She got on her knees and started shoveling the
discarded items back into her purse. I handed some things back to
her and she snatched them from me aggressively.

Once she had everything,
she stood and the door closed immediately in my face and soon music
was playing loudly. I paced the hall for a moment and spotted a
business card on the floor. Picking it up and examining it, I
became confused. Why did Cassidy have one of my DOM business
cards?

I walked to what had become
my room and kicked the door closed. I fell asleep to the drone of
her music. Her image haunted me in my dreams, at least I was pretty
sure it was her image. I woke in a cold sweat and the clock told me
that only a few hours had passed.

Getting up, I used the
bathroom and music was still coming from her room, but it was
quieter than before. I opened the door and saw her image laying in
the bed. Chessa came running in and jumped on the bed and curled up
next to her. Someone was glad to be home.

I walked to her side of the
bed and touched the strand of hair that was lying across her cheek.
She whispered something and I thought that it might have been my
name, but thought that was silly to think.

“
I’m so lost,
Cassidy.”

I jumped when she
whispered, “You’re my anchor. We’ll find our way back.” My eyes
scoured her face. Her eyes were still closed. Was she talking in
her sleep? “The baby!” What the hell was going on? She must’ve been
dreaming. “I wanted the baby, but I wanted you more.”

I didn’t know what the hell
she was rambling on about and I needed to leave the room before she
really woke up. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I
called the one person who I knew would be up if she was
working.

“
Jane. Yeah, everything’s
fine. You’re working right. Ok. I was worried I’d wake you. I just,
well, I have an odd question and I don’t even know if you’ll know
the answer.”

“
Ok, what is
it?”

“
Cassidy was talking in
her sleep and she mentioned a baby. Is she just dreaming? I’m so
confused.”

I heard her sigh. “James,
you should talk to Cassidy about this.”

My gut wrenched. “Is she
pregnant? You know something.”

“
Not that I know of,
but…”

“
But what?”

“
She was.” I dropped down
to the bed and pressed my hand across my forehead. “Are you
there?”

“
Yes. I’m
here.”

“
James, she lost the baby.
It was yours. You should talk to her about this, not me. I’m not
surprised she hasn’t said anything to you though. She took it
really hard, but there was nothing anyone could have done. These
things happen.”

“
Is it why we got
married?”

“
No. It happened after
your mother passed away.”

“
Ok. I’ll let you go.
Thank you.”

I hung up the phone before
Jane had a chance to say goodbye. I laid in the tiny bed mentally
crushed. Why hadn’t Cassidy told me? Should I bring it up? I didn’t
think it would be a good idea because Lord knew I didn’t want her
to suffer any more.

I managed to fall asleep
and my dreams—or nightmares—had me tossing. In one I remember
having a woman bent over a bench at the club and I was fucking her
in front of everyone. The room spun and I was in another corridor,
alone, and a door closed, but I didn’t have any clue who went into
the room. Then I was talking with Annie and smashing
furniture.

When I woke, the morning
was half gone. I carried myself down the stairs and didn’t see
Cassidy. Her car was still out front and I went back up stairs.
Knocking on her door, I opened it slowly and she wasn’t there. I
started to get worried when I heard the front door open. She saw me
at the top of the stairs, closed the door and walked into the
living room without as much as a hello. I’d really fucked things
up, again.

~ CASSIDY ~

I was finally back in his
arms, his hungry mouth on mine never tasted so good. Then he pulled
away after I opened my big mouth about him moving back into our
bedroom. I thought we’d made so much progress. Could I blame Kim?
Because I wanted to. Her interruption hadn’t stopped the kiss that
came later, but, FUCK! Now everything was screwed up again. After
putting everything back in my purse, I slammed the door behind him
and turned on some music. Loud! If he didn’t like it, he could
leave.
God, I hope he doesn’t
leave.

Pulling off my clothes, I
put on a cami and scrolled through my playlist. Walking around in
my cami, panties and socks, I put away a basket of clean clothes
while the music blared. I was angry and trying to focus on that
emotion.
Over You
by Ingrid Michaelson
came on and I
couldn’t stop the tears. I was a sucker for a piano ballad and the
song opens with her singing about him wearing his three piece suit.
The song was on my playlist for a reason. It reminded me of
James.

Wouldn’t everything be
easier if I could just get over him? I knew I’d never get over him.
I couldn’t give up, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t. Weeks had
passed and he was still there. Something was keeping him there. And
if it was pride, then I’d take advantage of it. If the club was the
only way I could have him, then the club it would be. I knew
immediately that I’d sacrifice having him in my bed at home if it
meant I had him in my bed at the club. It was a start. A glimmer of
hope buried itself deep inside me. Maybe the club would be the
thing to help him remember.

The next morning I woke and
swore that my dreams were filled with him. I didn’t have time to
think about it. I showered, got dressed and Delaney picked me up
for coffee. Before I left, I opened his door to find him sleeping.
Hopefully he’d still be home when I returned.

Deciding to confide in
Delaney about his reservations, she responded, “Damn! You two still
haven’t?” I shook my head. “Wow. I’m surprised he’s exhibited so
much restraint, though not really. You’re there for the taking.
What’s wrong with him?”

I laughed at her remark, “I
don’t know.”

“
Maybe you should make a
move on him. He won’t turn you down.”

Staring at my coffee cup, I
muttered, “I doubt that. He turned me away last night.”

“
Well, try harder.” She
sighed as she saw me fighting internally. “I’m sorry. What are you
going to do?”

Shrugging my shoulders,
“I’m going to agree.” I looked to her, knowing I was blushing. I
lowered my voice, “I want him Delaney and if this is the only way I
can get him…”

“
Well, I’m going to warn
you now. The James you knew and the James you’re with are two
different beasts. Pun intended.”

“
What do you
mean?”

Sighing, “He had rules, has
rules. Most of the girls couldn’t handle how well he could
compartmentalize everything. Sex and emotions don’t mix for him.
That’s why we were all so happy and surprised when he started
pursuing you. He changed.”

“
Yeah, everyone keeps
saying that. I hope I’m doing the right thing.”

“
I think you are. There’s
no other choice and time’s running out.”

“
I can’t let the divorce
happen, but I don’t know what else to do. This wall between us
needs to come down. If I tell him about it now I’m worried he’ll
just walk away. Why would he stay if he finds out we were
separated?”

“
But you said…”

“
Yes, we reconciled, but
he doesn’t remember.”

“
Cassidy…” She looked to
the ceiling and took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t be telling you
this, but I’m going to. It was more than just a reconciliation for
him.”

I shook my head, not
understanding her meaning. “What do you mean?”

“
The poker game.” I
nodded. “He won, not you. He wants to marry you, the right
way.”

“
But, you said I
won.”

“
He was worried it was too
much too fast and didn’t want to push you too hard. Don’t you
see?”

“
I see and know it’s just
something else he doesn’t remember.”

“
He was willing to do
anything for you.”

“
I know and now it’s my
turn.”

I walked in the front door
after Delaney dropped me off and he was standing at the top of the
stairs. I knew what I was going to do, but I was still hurt.
Attempting to ignore him, I shut the door and walked into the
living room. I heard his steps pound down the stairs and watched
him circle into the living room. He was wearing jersey shorts and
nothing else. I groaned and tried to look away.

“
You ok?”

“
No, I’m not. Unless you
want me to start walking around half naked, I’d appreciate the same
consideration.” He seemed surprised at my words and I added,
“You’re dangling the carrot when we both know you won’t hand it
over.”