Libera Me (22 page)

Cass and I walk into the study. He has two pillows set on the floor in the center of the room. The sun continues its descent outside the windows and the room takes an eerie glow.

“I trust Cassiel explained the risks.”

“Yes, Sir. But, I have a question.” I clear my throat, reaching for words that refuse to come.

“Yes?”

“Why are you only teaching this to me now? If you knew it would help her, why wait?”

“This practice, Zanethios, it is only to be used when everything else fails. As Cassiel explained, it has risks. You could die. Or become enslaved to Azzaziel. This is not something I usually grant permission to learn, let alone attempt.”

“Then why do it now? Why do it at all?”

“We must learn what secrets Nesy holds. If she is Lilith, she could turn Aydan, using him to create the race that was foretold. If she belongs to Azza, she could be after you. Either way, we must know the truth if we are to protect humanity and defend Celestium.”

“Who do you think she is?” I ask, not really wanting the answer.

“I try not to speculate.”

“But—”

“Azza and Lilith are both forces that could destroy humanity. And Celestium.” Gabriel’s wings flutter as the last words leave his lips.

I’ve never seen him so worried.

“Are you ready?” he asks.

“Yes,” Cass says as I nod.

I’ve been ready ever since I struck a deal with Lilith.

Night falls before we leave Gabriel’s study.

“We’ll go in the morning,” Cass says. “Just after sunrise.”

I nod, scarcely aware of when she leaves. Nesy’s voice still calls through my thoughts, growing more frantic. I promised her I’d return today. I can’t abandon her, not now. Not after she’s promised herself to me.

I forge open a portal, destined for a future I never thought possible.

The portal opens to Nesy’s empty room.
Where are you?
Closing my eyes, I try to feel her presence. Nothing. I am blind to her still. I sit on her bed, deciphering my next move. The door opens and Nesy walks in, her eyes puffy and red. She looks disheveled and upset.

“You?” she says, embarrassed. “I thought you weren’t…I was afraid…I didn’t think I’d see you tonight.” Her face flushes.

“I wanted to see you one more time.”

“Are you leaving?” Her eyes carry a familiar sadness.

“No. But I sense that things are changing.” I walk to her, taking her hands in mine. “You’ve been crying.”

“Yes,” she says, her lower lip trembling.

I cup her face with my hands, gently kissing her eyes.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she says.

“I am too.” Our lips lightly touch and I feel her pull away. “What happened?” I ask.

“Nothing,” she says through gritted teeth. I was just saying goodbye. Claiming a new life; my life.”

“This is about Aydan, isn’t it?”

“I’m not who he thinks I am.” She turns away from me. “I’ll never be that girl.”

I release a heavy sigh. “You already are, Nesy.”

“No,” she whispers. “He thinks I’m strong. A warrior. He thinks—”

“I know what he thinks.” I pull her back to me. “And you are everything he says and more.”

So much more.

“No.”

I place my finger on her lips, quieting her. “I know you’re scared, love. Things are strange for you. But, I can help you. I have a way to help you remember everything if you’ll let me.”

Her tension releases with my words.  “How?”

“That isn’t important. I just need to know if you want my help.”

She threads her hand in my hair. “What about us? You said we could be together with or without my memories.”

“Yes. But you need to know everything first.”

Clouds storm in her eyes as I feel the fear return. “I don’t want to know,” she whispers. “I’m afraid.”

“I know and I won’t let anything hurt you. You can trust me.”

“I do,” she says as she again pulls away, walking to the window. “I trust you completely. And I need you. Need us.”

Silence engulfs her last words and my wings grow tense. “But?”

“I don’t want to lose you,” she says.

“You won’t.”

She turns back to me, the familiar intensity back. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because, I have faith in us.” It’s a lie I know, but I need her to stay calm if I’m going to go through with what I must. “Will you let me help you?”

Nesy looks down and closes her eyes as I wait for an answer that scares me more than I care to admit.

Time stretches on too long before she opens her eyes and looks at me. “Before I say yes, before I let you help me become this person you think I am, I need something from you.”

“Anything.”

“Stay with me tonight. Let me fall asleep in your arms. I need to feel you next to me. I need to feel safe again.”

“You are safe.”

She steps towards me. “Please.”

I swallow hard. I can’t refuse her. Not now.

Maybe not ever.

“Close your eyes.”

Nesy smiles and does what I ask. I center my thoughts and encase my body in human form. It’s not a real body, I know, but the glamour will give her the touch she’s searching for without alerting Celestium.

“You can open your eyes.”

Her smile broadens and she walks into my arms. My skin sizzles with her touch. Small tremors dance up my human-looking arm. She threads her hands into my hair, and kisses my earlobe. I inhale a sharp breath, desperate to hold on to some measure of control.

Impossible.

I need her too much now.

My lips find hers and we lose ourselves in a kiss that scorches my soul. I can’t hold onto my glamour. Can’t think. Can’t leave.

I need her. All of her.

“I love you, Zane. With or without my memories, I will always love you.”

“And I love you, Nesy. I always have.”

Time stops.

And the fantasy continues.

Chapter 34 – SEDUCTION

Aydan

My mind swirls in a vortex of confusion. I feel like I’m moving through space and time. But it can’t be real. I know where I am, what I’ve done.

Pictures of my last moments confirm the truth I cling to—the blade cutting into my wrists, the blood pouring onto the tile. I’m dead. Everything else is just...

Illusion.

Images play around me as I continue to spin. I feel Nesy’s presence. It’s a dream I’d gladly lose myself to. I watch her, noticing every detail, desperate to cling to her before the coldness returns.

But the coldness never comes.

Instead, I feel the heat of a thousand suns burning through the pictures still splayed across my vision. My wrists begin to burn.

Is this it? Am I finally to die?

Lightning streaks across my vision and fire scorches my soul.

“Aydan.”

Nesy.

Her voice pushes through the pain and heat, the haze and confusion.

“Wait for me Aydan. Don’t do this. I am trying to find you. Wait…”

I can’t ignore her bidding, can’t refuse her commands.

“Wait for me.”

I force my eyes open, biting back the flood of pain that rushes to greet me. The burning sensation is almost unbearable as I wake. Golden light fills the room, rendering me blind for a moment. In the center of the bathroom, a small portal opens. From it, the only one who can heal me now.

The only one to ever heal me.

Nesy.

She bends down to me, her golden hair hanging in long waves around her face and down her back. Wings of white feathers and spun gold extend behind her.

“Aydan,” she whispers. Her blue eyes lock with mine, reaching into the depths of me.

Nesy is here, come to save me again.

“Come with me Aydan. Please.”

I’m desperate to comply. I push up on my elbows. Blood coats my arms, the tiles. My mind sloshes in a thick haze. My stomach churns.

“You must stand Aydan.”

I can’t. I’m too weak.

Maybe I am already dead.

“You aren’t dead. But you must stand. You aren’t safe here.”

Again I try to comply. I grab the sink for support and pull myself up, choking on the nausea that overwhelms me. I spit out the bile and rinse my arms, my face, the sink.

“Come,” Nesy says, extending her hand. “We must go.”

I am mesmerized by her appearance. She looks exactly as I remember her—same golden hair and skin. Same blue eyes. She’s dressed in her armor. There are no battles wounds marring her skin, no evidence of the life I know she’s lead. The death she endured.

I draw a deep breath, smelling sunshine and vanilla. It has to be her.

“Nesy,” I whisper as I reach for her, stumbling under the weight of my injuries.

She catches me, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Let me help you,” she says.

“Nesy?” My voice is faint as I again feel myself losing consciousness. “How?” My eyes start to close.

“You have to stay awake, my love.” She steadies me with her body. “Come, walk.”

I force myself to move, following her lead as we walk out of the cramped bathroom.

“You came for me,” I stammer.

“I never left you.”

A smile forms on my lips as I lean into her, desperate to stay conscious. My mind grows heavier. I’m not sure how long I can stay conscious now.

“Let me heal you,” she whispers. “Let me try.”

I am too weak to respond as my mind swims in an increasing haze. I nod, locking eyes with my beloved. All at once I feel her in my thoughts, my body, my soul. I let her have me, let her see every dark space. I want her to heal me. I need her to clear out the demons, the Beast. I need her to remove the evil that still lives inside.

I need her to love me again.

My body trembles as she examines my memories. She pauses at the images of Nessa, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Is she looking at herself? Or is Nessa someone, something, else?

“Relax,” Nesy says, sensing my discomfort. “You need to relax if I am going to heal you.”

“I love you, Nesy.” It’s the only thing I can say.

“I know. I love you too. I always will.”

She retreats from my thoughts and I open my eyes, meeting her gaze.

“I will never leave you, Aydan. I need you to believe that.” Her voice lingers in the air, surrounding us in a cocoon. In this space we are safe. Here there is nothing that can come between us, nothing that can hurt us.

Part of me believes this to be nothing more than an apparition, a trick of my dying mind. Another part of me knows there is nothing more real than this moment, our love.

I close my eyes and lean in, finding her lips with mine. A thousand fears and hopes explode as we touch and my body again ignites.

“Nesy,” I say, my voice ragged.

She covers my mouth in a kiss that steals my remaining breath, removes my doubts.  

I pull her to me, mindless of the pain still radiating throughout my body. I need to erase the distance between us, need us to become one again.

My body trembles. Our lips part as our tongues close any remaining distance. Her touch, her kiss, breathes the life back into me. Every spot is healed, every doubt erased, every fear extinguished.

Nothing but love exists now. Forever.

“I love you Aydan,” Nesy says as she begins to pull away. “I will find you again. Trust me.” She steps back, throwing my soul into darkness again.

“No, wait,” I say reaching for her. “Please don’t go.”

“Where I am, you cannot come. Not yet. But soon, my love. Very soon.”

She fades away before I can say another word. My mind tightens in around me and I am lost to my thoughts and the pain once more.

My mind is black and I fall fall fall.
Wake up,
I scream in the recesses of my thoughts.
Wake up.
My eyes pop open, accompanied by waves of nausea rolling through me. I sit, my stomach still churning. My room is swallowed up by darkness, leaving no evidence of Nesy.

I reach for the light as pain stabs through my arms, my chest. Falling back on the bed, I force some calm into my head.

I take a slow breath.

—
What’s happening?

And another.

—
Where am I?

I look around, peering into the darkness.

                  —
Am I dead?

I shake away my thoughts and again reach for the light and turn the knob. A sharp pain stabs through me as I move. I growl, forcing aside the nausea and anguish. My hands touch my lips, feeling Nesy’s lingering presence.

Were you here?

Images of our kiss wrap around me. Real or not, the memory gives me strength.

I stand, grabbing the wall for support. Everything spins as wave after wave of nausea churn my stomach. I force myself to the bathroom, emptying my pain into the basin. Over and over the bile rises through me, emptying my life into the cold porcelain sink. I try to force images of Nesy into my thoughts, try to wrestle for control on my mind. But no more thoughts come, not the kiss or her presence. Nothing of the dream that saved me.

I look to the floor, my pulse slowing. The glint of metal from the razor catches my eye. A thin layer of blood, my blood, still coats the blade. I pick it up, rinsing away the evidence of my sins. Death is not an option now.

Not when Nesy has asked me to stay.

My arms reveal the night’s journey with the criss-crossed pattern of my agony outlining my wrists. Deep cuts still ooze with my pain. I grab the bandages and begin to clean it up. “I’m sorry,” I whisper as I pour antiseptic on the wounds. “So sorry.”

Gabriel and Mikayel expect more than this. Nesy deserves more.

Wait for me, Aydan. I will come for you.

Her voice commands me to be strong and I will. I have to.

I stare back at the reflection greeting me in the mirror, still seeing the ways in which I’ve aged. My eyes are blank, devoid of the love that I felt in my dreams. I’m empty. Meaningless.

Instinctively I count the marks forever on my neck. 1…2…3…

Each tangled line calls forth memories of that night.

4…

The pain as Nesy was ripped away from me.