Lies of the Heart (15 page)

***

Tessa ran until her sides ached, and then ran some more. But the pain inside her was far worse than any physical trauma she’d endure. Tears streamed down her face and she gasped in breath after breath trying to run as far away as she could from the baby boy she’d hurt.

Only when her legs gave way, did she halt. Looking up, she groaned when she realized she was now outside the backdoor of the bar. She’d run home. Of all the places she’d chose, it had to be here. On top of that, she’d left her coat and purse behind along with her keys.

Sliding down the side of the building, she hugged her knees close and wept her heart out. In the back of her mind, she knew the remnants of her and Chance’s playful bantering wasn’t the reason for her heartache now. No, the baby would be fine. It was his cries that gripped her soul, bringing back wrenching memories.

It seemed as if a hand had plunged through her chest and squeezed her heart, wringing out all her pain and suffering to experience all over again after all these years. Her cries came from the very depths of her, a primitive wailing that resonated in every fiber of her being.

A loud click to the right of Tessa penetrated her conscience, and then she heard the familiar gruff voice. “What the hell?” Walter asked, shoving open the back door. A blast of warmth from the interior caressed her side. She shivered from the sharp contrast of cold brick against her back, icy gravel beneath her and the sudden fan of heat.

Turning away from him, she swiped the back of her forearm across her eyes. “It’s just me,” she choked out between sucking in great, gasps of stabbing breaths.

“I knew that,” he said with a sarcastic edge to his voice. Puffing on a cheap, smelly cigar he went on, “Ain’t nobody living here that would be blubbering but you.” He paused for a moment, and then came all the way out. The door slammed shut behind him.

Keeping her head lowered, she sensed him staring at her. At this point she didn’t care, welcoming any distraction, however annoying, from her terrible memories.

“The boy do something to you?” he asked in his rough voice.

“Nope.” She sniffed.

He sighed loudly. “Women.” She caught the movement out of the corner of her eye, and then a flash of white. He shoved his bartender’s apron at her. “Here, I ain’t got nothing better for you to wipe with.”

Surprised at the gesture, Tessa jerked her head up. Looking into his scowling face, she swore she detected a hint of sympathy in his dark eyes. “Thank…Thank you,” she choked out. Gingerly, she took the proffered material, and then wiped her face with it.

“Go ahead and blow,” he ordered sternly. “I’ll get me another one once I get back in there.”

For the first time since running away from the class, Tessa smiled. She did as he said, honking rather noisily.

“Mind telling me what’s going on? I got a business to run and all’s I want is to get a little smoke in and look what I find. A weeping Warfield.”

“Deveraux,” she countered.

He snorted at that. “Come on, I ain’t got all night here? Spill it.”

“Is that supposed to be your bartender bedside manner, Walter? Cause if it is, it’s not working.”

“Smartass.”

She chuckled at that, and then her chuckles turned back into tears and she broke down again. Scrunching up the apron in her hands she twisted it in knots. Gazing up at him, she said, “I didn’t mean it.”

“
Now
you decide to chat when I can’t even understand you.” He threw up his hands and shook them at the star-filled sky. The red glow from the tip of his cigar and the swirl of smoke slashed this way and that as he continued. “You think I’d have learned by now, but no, I had to go and ask, and look what I get for my trouble.”

She tried to laugh, really she did, but the tears just came and came. “Will you stop it?” she asked.

He twisted to face her fully. “Me? You’re the one balling your eyes out.” His scowl deepened even more if that were possible.

“You don’t have to stay and listen, though. Or make jokes about it.” She hiccupped once, and then again.

“All right. I’m going in then.” He made to leave and suddenly she felt bereft.

“No, please don’t.”

That plea stopped him cold, his hand dropping away from digging into his pocket for the key. “Well, missy, you better start talking ’cause my feet are getting numb along with the rest of me.” Somehow his gruffness came out gently and she heard empathy deep down.

“It was the baby that started it all.” She began, and then quickly filled him in on the earlier events of the evening. “Oh, it wasn’t that that set me off. It was memories of the other baby…my baby…” She choked it out in fits, hot tears plopping down her cheeks.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said obviously in shock. “So the rumors were true then?”

“Rumors?” Her head hammered in pain as she tried to focus on the chilling thoughts that raced through her mind at his words.

“Yeah, you dropping out of school for months like that, then coming back right before graduation had lots of people wagging their tongues.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, your granny said it was ’cause you had to help a dying relative, but most of us didn’t believe a word she said, especially when you came back so different. Devastated, that’s what you were, so devastated.”

Fear lanced through her. “Who—” Then she recalled how Chance had assumed she was a virgin, so he couldn’t have been suspicious or a part of the rumor mill. She breathed a sigh of relief for that.

Gulping hard, she whispered, “But I’ve never heard a word about it until now, no one even asked or said anything to me.”

Puffing quickly on his cigar, the red brightened, and then cooled in rhythm to each agitated puff. “Well, you know, the timing didn’t add up. It was a couple months, not nine or close to it, so it was just guessing on our part. Gabe’s and mine mostly, you could say.” He rushed on, shrugging uncomfortably, “It was more being nasty to your granny than taking it out on you.”

A chill went down her spine. “Granny.”

Memories flooded her as she recalled that time. Granny had been livid once she’d learned of the pregnancy, even pressing for an abortion. For the first time ever, Tessa had stood her ground and hadn’t caved into her granny’s wishes. It had taken months for her granny to come around, and then she bravely took it in stride making little baby booties, blankets, and sweaters.

Then, as if out of the blue, she’d forged a partnership with the doctor and they’d sent Tessa to an unwed mother’s home out-of-state. There, lonely and afraid, Tessa kept up with her schoolwork and made plans for her life with her baby. One night, while granny visited, she’d gone into labor early. Pain ripped through her, soon oblivion followed with the drugs. It wasn’t until the next morning that she’d learned her baby had died. But, still to this day, she could recall in the midst of the drug-induced state she’d been in, she’d heard the cry of her son. No mother could mistake that sound reaching out and gripping her heart.

That’s the sound that haunted her still.

“So,” Walter said, and then cleared his throat. “You gave up the baby and that’s why you want one now. To make up for that one.”

Jerked back to the presence, Tessa shook her head slowly. “No, I didn’t give away the baby.”

“Then?”

“My baby died.” Her broken whisper tore her in two.

The sound of a sharp intake of breath had Tessa twisting around to her far right. Chance stood silhouetted in the dim light of the moon.

Her mind went blank and her world turned black as she wondered if he’d soon guess the rest of her secret.

Watching him pace their cramped apartment, Tessa hugged herself tight as shivers racked her body. He ran his hands through his short hair, muttering under his breath all the while.

“So much makes sense now. That winter she wore big coats and wouldn’t ever take them off, left school that year, and then shows up for graduation. So different, so sad. Her wanting a baby so bad. And granny wailing when I mentioned babies. Why didn’t I see it, why didn’t I know it?”

The weight on her chest grew heavier and an invisible rock sat in the pit of her stomach. “Would you please calm down?” She asked it more of herself than to him, but when he halted at the long window and pressed his hands against the frame she relaxed a little, too.

Chance blew out a loud sigh. “How come you never came to me?”

A frisson of fear chilled her heart. “I…we were in the middle of a feud. Still are, for that matter.”

“Oh yeah, the feud,” he said with a nasty edge to his voice.

She could only imagine what he was thinking right now. She sensed he was hurt by her silence years ago. Trying to explain without giving everything away, she said, “No one knew a thing. I, well, granny and me, kept it from everyone.”

“What about the father? Did he know?”

A trickle of perspiration gathered and fell from her brow. She swiped it away, and then choked out, “No.”
How could he when he still knows nothing about the conception? He couldn’t remember a thing from that night.

He turned slightly, half-looking over his shoulder. The grim features spoke volumes. “Were you ever gonna tell him?”

“I don’t think so.” She hesitated, and then went on, saying softly, “It was just one night, Chance, nothing more on his part.”

Shoving away from the window, he faced her fully now, arms crossed over his chest. “Who was he, the bastard? Huh? Tell me, and I’ll—”

“What, punch him?” Her fear dropped away, anger soon sparked inside her. “Stop playing the avenging hubby. It doesn’t matter who he was or what he knew, not now anyway.” She pressed a hand on her chest. “The baby’s dead and I killed it, all right?”

Running a hand over his face, he heaved another sigh. “How? You said you went to an unwed mother’s home.”

So he’d been standing there for a while and had heard her conversation with Walter. “I went into labor early,” she choked. “It was if my body rejected the baby.” Tears welled in her eyes and spilled out, hot and wet, trailing down her face. Her chin trembled, so she bit her lip trying to stop it. “He died.”

Chance groaned as if in pain, and then he moved swiftly and silently across the space separating them. Gathering her in his arms, he soothed her. “Shh, now, it wasn’t your fault.”

Warmth surrounded her and she melted into him. So close to him now she reveled in his solid strength. His outdoorsy scent seeped into her weary senses and comforted her. Squeezing her eyes tight, she burrowed her head into his neck, saying, “I could have been stronger, held onto him longer. If only…”

His hand gently cradled the back of her head. “No, don’t say that, sunshine. You did the best you could. It just wasn’t right, that’s all. It was his time.” Pain throbbed in his voice, making it even huskier.

A teardrop inched out of the corner of her eye. She sniffed. “It sounds like you know.” She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

His chest expanded with a long, deep breath. “Once, a long time ago, I actually did kill someone.”

Shock raced through her. “When? How?” Deep down she knew he’d never hurt anyone on purpose; he just didn’t have it in him to harm anyone beside himself. She held him closer, absorbing the hurt that rolled off of him.

“Drinking,” he replied heavily. “I was driving my friend home on the back of my motorcycle. I still have nightmares about that night. I guess I always will.”

“Oh, Chance, I’m so sorry,” she whispered softly.

“Me, too. I left his teenage son an orphan.” She felt the tension build in his muscles then. “I tried to reach him, make up for him being fatherless, but, in the end, he wouldn’t have anything to do with me.” He grew even more rigid. “Hey, I couldn’t blame the kid. I wouldn’t have either in his position.”

His heartbreaking confession told her so much. The drinking had stopped and since he couldn’t help his friend’s son so he’d try with other kids. His mission had formed that fateful night and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself, wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he didn’t give others a fighting chance. Now, he’d do anything to fulfill his granddad’s will so he could make the dream come true.

Words failed her. Out of his hurt and despair, he’d make it happen. She knew he would. But, she wouldn’t be there to see it all.

Sucking in a shaky breath, she pulled away slightly. But, before she broke all contact, she dropped a soft kiss on his cheek. “I wish I could take away the hurt, Chance,” she said softly.

“Mine?” He gazed at her quizzically, framing her face in his hands. “What about yours, huh? Who’s going to take away yours, sunshine?” His emotion-filled voice tugged at her heart. Gently, he wiped her tears away with his thumbs. She welcomed the slight roughness of his skin caressing hers. “So beautiful yet so much pain in your life. You don’t deserve that.”

She captured his stare. “You don’t either, Chance.”

For long moments she stayed that way, just looking deeply into his eyes. It seemed as if for this time, they’d broken down the barriers that had kept them forever apart.

“Tessa,” he whispered hoarsely. “I don’t want to keep shutting you out, holding you at arm’s length anymore.” He took a deep, shivery breath. “You make me feel like somebody special.”

“You are.”

His lips tugged up in a half smile at that, making her heart hitch. “You’re the only one that sees that.”

Reaching up quickly, she pressed her fingers to his lips. “Shh, now. It’s there. You just need someone to show you where, that’s all.”

Long, drawn-out minutes passed as she tenderly traced his lips. Her heart thundered and she swore his matched hers as her forearms grazed his chest.

Gulping hard, she asked, “Can I show you, Chance?”

***

Time stood still for him as her words vibrated through his mind. They’d suffered so much and for so long. What would it hurt if he gave in to his feelings if only for one night?

Tenderly, he brushed back wisps of her hair. “For the rest of my life I don’t want to look back and have regrets about us, about what we could become…”