Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me (23 page)

Chelsea flourished at the Alternative School because absolutely nothing was expected of the students there. Self-study was the prescribed teaching plan; this entailed reading books of your own choice and talking about them later whenever the hell you felt like it. Homework didn’t exist, teacher interaction was like camp counselor interaction, and attendance was not viewed as an indicator of achievement. Lunch was served, but only after most students got high together. There were only a small number of students at the Alternative School, and the student-teacher-asshole ratio was nil. My mother often asked Chelsea how her day at school was. “Reeeally good” was Chelsea’s general reply, which was proof-positive that nothing educational was happening. Chelsea continued to have minor flare-ups and meltdowns during her last two years at Happy High School, mostly mild bouts of teenage girl clinical insanity, but they were relatively benign compared to her much more turbulent early teen years.

The longer-term concern, though understated, was what the hell would happen with Chelsea when she was finished with Happy High School. The other five siblings had mysteriously found random professions—mechanical engineer, culinary chef, CPA, lawyer, and registered nurse—but somehow a profession didn’t quite seem plausible or logical for Chelsea. She clearly didn’t belong in college—or high school, for that matter. Neither my family nor I had any idea what would become of her. She was clearly entertaining to be with, but how was that going to translate into supporting herself, given her exasperating, volatile, and unpredictable daily behavior? Maybe she’d turn out fine, but she might just as easily spiral violently out of control. Because of her penchant for an off-the-charts lifestyle, I was impressed that she was even alive and had avoided a fatal accident, the mental ward, and spontaneous personal combustion.

After high school, she attended a semester and a half at the local county college, but everyone knew it was a charade, like putting a tomato in the microwave and expecting a nice glass of tomato juice to jump out after two minutes on high. After dropping out of college, she waited tables and drank her way around New Jersey for another year or two before getting bored. At that point, I used some frequent flyer miles and brought nineteen-year-old Chelsea to Los Angeles to visit our aunt, uncle, and nine cousins.

Before the return trip to the airport, I said, “Chelsea, let’s go to LAX. We have to fly back to New Jersey.”

She faked a polite “have a good flight” to me and stayed in Los Angeles for good. That was the beginning of Chelsea’s brand-new foundation of fresh lies to be shared with a brand-new audience of unsuspecting Angelinos.

When I returned to New Jersey, my parents, in a rare act of parenting, asked, “Where’s Chelsea, Glen?”

“Don’t worry, Mom, Dad. I donated her to Los Angeles.”

My brother Glen thinks that he is the funniest and smartest person in the family. He is funny, but I don’t find him hilarious. They all had to put up with a lot of my chicanery and wild ways, and the truth is, they’ve all been rewarded tenfold for it.

—Chelsea

S&P is the abbreviation for Standards and Practices. This is the department of Comcast Entertainment that reminds us on a daily basis to bleep bad words we say on our show, and the department that attempts to rein us in when we’ve crossed the line, language- or taste-wise. Every day after we tape an episode of Chelsea Lately, we receive an e-mail from someone named Tom O’Brien outlining what needs to happen before the show airs on the East Coast.

It is hard for me to take seriously any department that specializes in monitoring me. Much like the gays in the South, the more the powers that be say no, the more I say, “Fuck off.”

I have included what I consider to be the ten most amusing e-mail exchanges of this kind.

Sincerely,

Chesty

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Monday, December 20, 2010, 1:50 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P Note for CL: jokes 5181

One S&P heads-up on today’s script:

TOPIC #4 Vagina Steaming

“Queef” will need to be bleeped, so you may want to lose the joke.

Thanks

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Monday, October 11, 2010, 4:02 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5141, taped 10-11-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE

2:57: Welcome back. Let’s talk about fingering. When specifically used in a sexual context, we can’t go there. But a line like “This is as close as any girl is going to get to one of his fingers” is OK because that could mean a lot of things. In the lower 3rds, describing his new nail polish line as a “finger blast,” it could be argued that you’re talking about the bright color. (When “finger blast” is used in a sexual context, however, the phrase would have to be bleeped.) Well done. However, Chris’ line about “having Justin Bieber’s fingers in your daughter’s vagina” paints too explicit a picture. Please lose the line. Thanks.

2:58: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “That wouldn’t fucking help us.”

3:00: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit that goes down there.”

3:02: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Fuck you.”

3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit, you’re right.”

TRACE ADKINS

3:16: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “He’s a real fucking mess.”

3:19: Please completely bleep “cock” in “Instead of saying cock…”

Thanks

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Thursday, July 22, 2010, 4:17 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5100, taped 7-22-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE

3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I’m too old for this shit.”

3:13: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “He should fuck Britney Spears.”

3:14: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “You should fucking end it.”

3:15: Please completely bleep “shit” in “beat the shit out of his fiancée.”

3:19: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “doubly fucked.”

3:20: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “go fuck herself.”

3:21: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “fucked somebody’s wife.”

ARSENIO HALL

3:29: With regard to our previous discussions with Ted about using “shuttlecock” as a euphemism for penis (“shuttlecock” alone is OK but, when “cock” is paired with a word like “suck” as in “suck my shuttlecock,” it’s not, because of the sexual context), please lose Arsenio’s “suck her Cochran” joke.

3:30: Please completely bleep “nigger” in “Put the nigger on the toilet.”

3:30: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I don’t give a shit.”

Thanks

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Tuesday, July 20, 2010, 4:21 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5098, taped 7-20-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5098)

3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in Brad’s “Aw shit.”

3:11: Please completely bleep “Jesus” in Ben’s “Aw Jesus!” (just as Chris comes on camera).

3:14: Please lose Jo’s retarded impersonation.

SUSAN SARANDON (SHOW #5098)

3:27: Please completely bleep “shit” in “We’ll ping-pong the shit out of Milwaukee.”

CHICKEN CHARLIE (SHOW #5103)

S&P approved.

Thanks

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Thursday, November 18, 2010, 5:15 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5165, taped 11-18-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE

Overall note: A lot of penis and vagina talk for our post-Thanksgiving show. Can we dial some of this back, particularly the “eating pussy” discussion in Act 2? Thanks.

4:27: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Oh fuck.”

4:33: Please completely bleep “dick” in “Your Mom knows her way around a dick.”

4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “And get some pussy.”

4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “I want some of that pussy.”

4:36: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “oh, pussy!”

4:36: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “eating pussy.”

4:37: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You should hear the shit I say.”

DONALD SCHULTZ

4:42: Please completely bleep “fucker” in “You little fucker.”

4:44: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”

4:45: Please completely bleep “hole” in “Look at that asshole.”

Thanks

FROM:      E! Entertainment Television

SENT:       Monday, November 15, 2010, 4:51 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5161, taped 11-15-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5161)

3:42: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “jerking off” in Natasha’s “You can’t stop jerking off to porn.”

3:45: No need for a fight on the “toilet babies” joke. It’s incredibly tasteless, but it doesn’t violate our standards. Besides, it’s pretty funny.

3:47: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “Girls like that like to get fucked.”

MONICA POTTER (SHOW #5161)

4:02: Please completely bleep “fucking” and “holes” in “Those fucking assholes.”

TREY SONGZ (SHOW #5162)

4:18: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”

4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Chelsea)

4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Trey)

Thanks

FROM:      Tom O’Brien

SENT:       Tuesday, July 21, 2009, 4:30 PM

TO:           Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #4093, taped 7-21-09

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s taping:

ROUNDTABLE

3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You guys hear a ton of shit.”

MARGARET CHO

• The “fags and fag hags” exchange. The word “fags” by itself is not acceptable in any circumstance, and every use of the word will need to be bleeped. Once before, we have allowed the term “fag hag” in an episode in a context that’s very similar to the way Chelsea used it in today’s roundtable discussion of the gay penguins. We’re OK with that one use. But when Margaret repeatedly uses the term during the interview, it totally changes the tone of the program. We request that the term be bleeped throughout the interview or, ideally, the whole conversation be removed. Can we find another way to get into the “Project Runway” discussion?
  

• The description of the porn star’s penis. The mention of his 9.2 inches is graphic but the quick mention is defendable. But Margaret crosses the line when she begins the detailed description and visuals of the volume of the penis and talks about her not being able to get it into her ass. It’s just too graphic. Please lose.
  

Here are the line-by-line notes for the sequence:

3:23: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I think I’m a fat piece of “shit.”