Life Ain't A Fairy Tale (14 page)

"Sara, sharing our feelings is not what will
make our relationship last. What will make us a long lasting couple
is accepting each other as we are with all our flaws and being good
friends. Becoming parents and raising kids will make us a great
couple. Forget this fantasy the media calls love. It is
perseverance and accepting life isn't perfect that will make this
relationship worth something. Love doesn't exist. It is just a
word." Sara has a shocked look on her face.

"How can you say love is just a word? Jimmy,
are you serious? What's the point of you doing a Valentine's Day
card? If you believe love is just a word, you don't truly love me.
You are only pretending to love me to have a friend. I don't want a
friend. This is not why I invited you to live with me. I don't
understand you."

"I never said that I didn't love you, Sara.
Hold on. I am trying to explain to you that this concept called
"love" is invented by society. It is true. You can't show me a
picture of anything in life and say here it is; this is love. It is
not a physical object. Love doesn't exist. It is only a word that
describes a feeling. You are not going to love me forever. That is
impossible. The truth is that 10 years from now, you will see me as
a companion that you will share your life with. We will form a
family. This belief of eternal love is a fantasy made up by
society. I mean everything I said on that Valentine's Day card. I
do love you like your parents love you. When I say, "I love you," I
mean I want us to be friends forever and form a family together. I
can't believe you are having such a hard time understanding what I
am saying. This is logical."

"What? You only want to be friends with me.
That is not what I signed up for."

"I am infatuated with you now, but my
feelings for you won't last forever. I am being honest. I am
talking the reality of life. Eventually, I will see you as a friend
who I want to have a family with and live together until I die. You
will feel this too."

"If you are not in love with me or infatuated
like you say, how will I know you won't cheat on me or break up
with me?" Sara looks very concerned. Am I speaking French?

"Break up with you? Never. Loving you is the
reason why I went out on a date with you. I want us to be together
forever."

"Yeah? If a new girl comes along, what
guarantee do I have that you won't cheat on me? What if you become
in love with a new girl?"

"Again, love is superficial. Love is simply
infatuation. I will never act upon my feelings. You are the woman I
chose to be with me for life. I will not change you for anyone.
I'll keep my thoughts to myself. That other woman will never know I
have superficial feelings for her."

"Let me get this straight. You are warning me
beforehand that you will fall in love with other women. You're
telling me not to worry because you won't act on your superficial
feelings?"

"See. This is the problem with you, Sara. You
think love is real. There is no such thing as love. I will not fall
in love with other women. I will experience the chemical reaction
called infatuation. Their pheromones will attract me, but I will
never go up to them and say hi or anything. I will be by your side
to be the most loyal and best friend you will ever have." Sara is
irate with my answer. Her face is turning red.

"I don't know what the hell you are talking
about. I will never fall in love with other guys. I will be in love
with you forever. You are the one I love with all my heart. There
will be no chemical reaction in the world that will attract me to
other guys. What have we been doing all these months? Why did you
ask me out?"

"Why? It is like you are not listening to me.
I asked you out because I care about you. I got along with you very
well in college. We can make the most lasting friendship. There is
no reason for our relationship to fail. Our friendship will carry
us through when we raise our children and grow old."

Very angrily, she screams at me. "You never
told me this on our first date! Why didn't you tell me this? I
can't believe this! Why did you come into my life?" She is so angry
with me, tears fall from her eyes. She covers her face.

Sara does not like my explanation of why
there is no such thing as love. I could see it in her eyes when I
explained myself. She is really mad at me. I have never seen her
like this. She is upset. I imagine she did not like me for
mentioning her parents. To her, love is real. Her parents are the
living proof.

I hope to see her argue back at me, but she
sits there, avoiding me at the table. She orders a cup of wine. She
shakes her head in disapproval and avoids eye contact with me. When
she receives the cup of wine, she drinks it in one gulp. She is
very upset with me, but she shows no signs of wanting to scream at
me. She is so upset. Clearly, she is done arguing with me. Her
makeup is messed up on her face. This is my fault. I should have
said yes to everything she said. I try to touch and console her,
but she pushes my arm and hand away. After a long silence, she
signals me to leave the restaurant.

We ride together quietly back to her home. We
do not exchange words at all. I think what I said has a very
damning impact on our relationship. She wants to hear my opinions.
When she hears them, she doesn't like them at all. I am not sure
what I said to make her upset. I try to replay what happened at the
restaurant. I am afraid to say anything else. I might dig myself
into a deeper hold. This is Valentine's Day, but it feels like the
day I choked the life out of cupid.

"Look, Sara. You are misunderstanding me. You
said you wanted my opinion about love. I was discussing love more
as a universal concept, having nothing to do with our relationship.
I was taking a philosophical perspective. Philosophically, I say
that love is a short feeling. The high divorce rates are my
evidence. People claim they are in love, and that they will love
each other forever. A couple of years later, they are divorcing. Of
course, I love you. When I say "love," I mean your vision of love.
I explained to you that in theory, I could fall in love with other
women. The truth is I am in love with you. I will never have those
same feelings for anyone else. You are the only one for me. You are
my first and only girlfriend. I will never love anyone else the way
I love you." Sara ignores me completely.

When we arrive home, we go directly upstairs
to the bedroom. She stops me, as I am about to enter her
bedroom.

"Jimmy, I want you to sleep in the other room
tonight. I know you won't mind. I am glad that I have someone who
is willing to accept me with all my flaws. I am elated to know that
I don't have to be a better person for you. Of everything you said
tonight, what makes me the happiest woman is that you are ready to
be my best friend forever." Sara speaks in a very sarcastic
tone.

She is upset, and I don't want to argue
anymore today. "Yes, I understand. Goodnight, Sara."

Sara slams the door, and I think what went
wrong tonight in the other bedroom. I take my glasses off and lie
there on the bed. Why are my lips not tainted in red lipstick? I
replay the entire date in my mind. Finally, it hits me. I messed up
big time. I told Sara that love is only a word. I understand why
she is so mad. I killed the relationship. If love is only a word,
then everything I did for Sara these past 7 months was meaningless.
My actions were not acts of love. She is right to be upset. I want
a friendship. She doesn't want a friendship. She wants a lover
forever. What she wants is crazy to me, but to her, I am crazy. I
should have never disagreed with her on anything. I should have
kept my big mouth shut. Things were better when I didn't talk much.
Honesty sucks. I really am an alien who doesn't belong on
Earth.

Chapter 8

Since that awful Valentine's night, our love
is in a deep coma. The light at the end of the tunnels blinds my
eyes everyday. We have been sleeping in separate beds. We have
minimal conversations, no kissing, no hugging, and no lovemaking.
We haven't made love in the past 4 months. I miss her touch, her
lips, her body, and her love. My days are consumed with erotic
fantasies of Sara. We say hello and goodbye to each other. That is
the highlight of my day, but I know Sara doesn't want me anymore. I
dread the day when she tells me to leave her house because we are
no longer a couple. I am not sure why she hasn't done it yet. Maybe
her mother, Paula, is still telling my girlfriend to stay with
me.

I know the mistake that I made. My inner
politician stuck his head out to debate Sara about love. For those
not familiar with politics, it is composed of long and drawn out
disagreements where parties continue to argue and end without
convincing each other about anything. I did not stop arguing at the
appropriate time. I argued with her for too long. I needed to stop
and agree with Sara. The only way to keep Sara in love was to be a
liar. I stopped being a liar on Valentine's Day, and it cost me the
only love I ever had. I got caught up in trying to convince her to
see things my way. I didn't measure the risks of my honesty. I am
not like everyone else. I am too different. What is done is
done.

The solution to fixing things with Sara is
not straightforward. The most logical comeback for me is to tell
her that I do love her with all my heart. When I do this, she will
question my sincerity. If I tell her that I love her, she won't
believe me. Openly, I declared that love doesn't exist. I locked
myself in prison and threw the key away. I am stuck. I can try
anyway, but what if I end up saying something even more
aggravating? Speaking from the heart can make her end the
relationship more quickly. I don't feel love the way she feels it.
I am not like her and never will be like her. That is what she
wants, but I don't know how to fake the feeling. I feel like a high
school student again, afraid of saying something that will scare
people away from me.

Sara is on vacation in Mexico while I am
alone at her house after visiting my parents. I fought the fear of
driving again to see my parents. I missed the days when life was
calm without any worries of getting dumped. Spending time with my
parents the entire month, I relived my lifestyle, a domestic
creature that doesn't go out. There, I lied to my parents about our
relationship status going well. When I left my parents, I brought
my video game console to play games in Sara's house. I really
enjoyed playing video games again when I was at my house. I
returned to Sara's house because she returns next week. I haven't
cleaned anything this past month.

Before cleaning the house, I procrastinate my
cleaning duties. I return to my new bedroom where I sleep alone. I
turn on the computer. I surf the Internet. I login to the online
social network. I want to see what happened to my annoying friends.
Luis is online. I have a visual chat with him.

"Hey, Luis?"

"Huh."

"What do you mean, huh? It's Jimmy. You don't
remember me."

"Yeah. I do."

"What's up?"

"Whatever."

"What is wrong with you, Luis?" His look
changed since I last saw him. Now, he is bald, has a grown beard,
has tattoos on both arms, and is smoking when speaks with me on
chat."

"Do you really care Jimbo? Really?" He takes
a puff of cigar.

"Fine. You are right. I don't. I am bored as
hell, and you're the only one who would have accepted my chat."

"At least, we are being honest." Luis holds
his cigar in his hand.

"Jimmy, why did you shave your head bald?
Those tattoos? Smoking is bad for your lungs."

"Whatever." He blows the smoke at me.

"It's been a year. How is everyone?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? The wild
parties and the clubbing were the norm the last time we met."

"Yeah. They were. You see. Juan crossed the
line. His wife, Maria, dumped him when she caught Juan with another
girl. Apparently, he was so stupid that he kept fucking the slut
right in her face and told her to join him."

"Well, if Maria didn't dump him there, they
would have been a couple for life."

"Another day, that son of a bitch crossed the
line. Juan started hitting on my girl behind my back. When she told
me Juan was molesting her, I got pissed. I went up to his ass and
beat the living shit out of it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I beat him down across the bar. Some
tables were broken. The cops rushed in and arrested us both. I left
him bloodied up." Luis takes another puff of cigar.

"Where was Justin when all this
happened?"

"I don't know what happened to him. I think
he left the bar. He wanted no problems." Luis blows smoke in the
form of a rainbow.

"What happened to you guys?"

"There are no guys. Those days are over. I
chill with my girl and her friends. We have great parties
together."

"I imagine you haven't heard from Juan again,
but what about Justin?"

"Last thing I heard, he got married to this
chick, but the chick don't let him go out anymore."

"Okay. At least, Justin settled down."

"Yeah. I don't hear from him anymore. I see
you're still with your girl, Jimbo."

"Yes. We are still together." I don't tell
Luis about the problems I have. "You look kind of sad, Luis?"

"Yeah. My cousin passed away. He was my best
friend."

"Sorry to hear that Luis."

"Yeah. I miss him. Where is your girl?"

"Oh, she is on vacation in Mexico."

"Really? You didn't go with her."

"No. I am scared of airplanes."

"What if she cheats on you over there?"

"I don't care if she cheats on me."

"Well, you can cheat on her now."