Life Over Love (4 page)

 
     Brianna turned letting her hands fall at her sides.  She stood for a few minutes, just looking around at the four walls of their new home, and for the first time in a long time she could breathe.
          Brianna unpacked and put the kid’s clothes away.  She settled the children in the living room with some cartoons.  Mrs. Candy’s office was the first door on the left next to the living room and across the hall from the kitchen. 
          Brianna knocked on the door and Mrs. Candy let her in.  “Ok honey, this is the part where I have to be nosey and find out all your business.  I need you to fill out this paperwork when we finish ok?”  Mrs. Candy went down a list of seemingly endless yes no questions, mostly regarding Brianna’s mental facilities and medical background. 
          When Brianna was tired of the questions and silently praying for the interview to end Mrs. Candy asked the final question “Brianna can you describe for me the last attack?”  Brianna cleared her throat and tried to focus on the drawn blinds as she recounted the scene that had played out the last time they’d fought.
          Brianna told Mrs. Candy everything as best she could remember.  She spoke almost as if it happened to someone else, with no emotion, just facts.  The longer she talked the harder it was to believe that all those things she had been describing had actually happened to her, but the bruises that resulted from those events still remained faded and green, plainly visible to the sympathetic cheery eyed little lady who sat before her.

Mrs. Candy had stopped writing in her notebook, and began rummaging around in the drawer of her desk. 
She produced what she had been hunting, an old Polaroid camera.  She instructed Brianna to leave on her underclothes, but to remove everything else so that she could photograph and document the injuries.
          With shaky hands and trembling fingers Brianna did as directed. Mrs. Candy took pictures beginning with her bruised cheek and eye. Then she snapped shots of her neck, the deep purple bruise above her right breast, next her ribs, and finally her wrists. Mrs. Candy was concerned, careful not to sound pitying; she asked if her if she needed to go to the hospital for further medical assessment. 
          Brianna assured her that she was healing properly.  Mrs. Candy finished up, by going over the procedures and policies of the shelter.  “Lastly but not leastly, the next step is to file a TPO, temporary protective order. 
       The humiliation proved too much for Brianna, along with her detachment and resolve, the tears finally fell.
M
ike awoke to loud pounding on the front door.  He stumbled out of bed and cursed when he banged his little toe on the dresser in his hurry to answer the door.  The surprise at seeing the Sherriff was apparent on his face when he opened the door.  “Yeah, what can I do for you?”    His heart momentarily skipped a beat with worry, even though he knew Brianna was just hiding out somewhere, the sight of the uniformed man at the door had him worried that something tragic had happened to his family.
           The Sherriff cleared his throat and handed over the carbon copied papers.  It was hard at first glance not to be sorry for the guy.  He looked as if he hadn’t shaved in a week. He looked like he was lost in his own house, actually as if he had absolutely nothing to live for. He would’ve felt sorry for the guy if he weren’t serving him with a TPO.
           With that in mind he explained to Mike “this is a temporary protective order, you’ll need to appear in court to be heard, and all the rest of the information you’ll be needing is here.”
         Mike took the papers and stared unseeing down at them for a few minutes.  The Sherriff was opening his car door when he heard Mike call out “Will she be there?”  The two men stared at each other for a moment before he responded.  “Yeah she’s required to show up before the judge.”   Mike nodded and closed his door.  He balled up the papers and threw them across the room.
           Mike slowly looked around the room taking in everything.  Toys were still scattered on the floor along with empty beer cans.  Family pictures were framed and arranged prettily on the entertainment center.  The kitchen table he’d made as a Mother’s Day gift for Brianna was lost somewhere beneath more empty beer cans and bottles.  Mike had been existing on alcohol and little else for the past two weeks.
          The day after his party was spent searching for Brianna and the kids.  He called everyone he could think of trying to find his family.  His mother-in-law never answered.  He’d called and left messages with as many members of Brianna’s family as he could.  The only person he avoided calling was Brianna’s father, he couldn’t face her dad. 
           It wasn’t until he’d paid a visit to her aunt that someone contacted him.  Mary called him sounding so businesslike and firm that he didn’t recognize her at first.  She didn’t give him much of a chance to say much either.  As soon as he answered she lit into him. “Mike listen.  Brianna and the kids are safe, they are fine.  You are not welcome to go to any other members of my family’s homes, is that understood?” 
          He wasn’t used to the authoritative tone coming from this soft spoken woman. That fact didn’t deter him from speaking harshly though.  “Mary where are they? They are mine!  Where did you take them? Brianna wouldn’t have left like that on her own and you know it, I have to get them back.”
          Mary wasn’t impressed by his insistent pleading. “Mike I don’t know what planet you’re living on, but look around you!  You are alone, and you need to be alone until you figure some things out. You won’t see Brianna again until you go before the judge. If you go to anyone else’s house looking for her, I’ll call the police.  We don’t know where she is anyways, just that she’s safe, ok?”  Mary listened to Mike’s ragged breathing on the other line.  There was nothing left to say, and he hung up the phone.
            From that day he’d stayed home just in case Brianna came home.  He did not eat.  He did not work.  He did not shower.  He did however drink and sleep.  He didn’t want to see the empty bed room where his kid’s used to sleep.  He didn’t want to see their toys or pictures.  He didn’t want to see all Brianna’s pretty things, abandoned without her. 
          Mike did not want to see anything that represented everything that was gone.  He stood in the living room, still hung over from the night before, clearly seeing the emptiness around him.  Mike finally realized they weren’t coming back. 

He wasn’t even angry, sure at first he’d been ticked to find out that she had left him on his birthday, but now he just laughed.  Mike shook his head thinking that’s my girl.  Mike closed his eyes picturing Brianna as she had looked the last time they kissed. 
          He remembered the sun shining on her dark hair and her eyes shining just as bright.  He held onto the memory for as long as he could.  He thought to himself, I know she loves me; I just have to fix it.  I can fix this.  All I have to do is change, I can fix everything as long as I can convince her that I’m still the same guy that she fell for when we were kids. Despite the fact that he had just been served, he felt better than he had in weeks.

7

B
rianna had been relieved to find out that she didn’t have to go through the whole ordeal of telling yet another perfect stranger about the abuse.  The written statements were all the judge had needed to grant the summons for the temporary protective order. 

Although the word temporary made her a little nervous, the counselors had assured her that she could file for a permanent restraining
order after the initial hearing.  They also assured her that in most situations just filing for the TPO provided enough time and distance between two people for them to seek help and resolve their issues peacefully. 
           Each passing day was a boost for her spirits and ego.  Her mom sent her some money as soon as she’d been able to call with the P.O. Box address.  Just knowing that no one knew her real address was a great comfort to her. 
           Every time her thoughts veered towards what Mike must be thinking or doing, she would get so nervous and shaky.  But for the first time she was pleased with the progress she was making towards a fresh start.
          Brianna always woke early with the kids.  Right after breakfast they would go straight outside and stay out until the curfew.  The kid’s weren’t used to being confined indoors. 

The shelter felt jail like in the sense that all the windows were
locked shaded, and the doors had to remain locked at all times.  It looked like any other brick house in the subdivision, but it did come across oppressive on the inside.

Brianna felt safer there than she had in her own house, but she was under no delusions that her kids weren’t home sick.  Both Chelsea and Brody were fussier and sassier than ever before.  She often had to remind herself to be patient with them and today was no different.
          They left the shelter at eight in the morning.  She grabbed the blue stroller off the porch, and the little family went walking.  Brianna did her best to answer all Chelsea’s questions. 

She had questions about all sorts of things like most inquisitive kids. 
She asked about the buildings, flowers, trees, and animals that they passed by. They giggled like girlfriends and played I spy. 
          Brianna took them to Wal-Mart where they spent two hours shopping at her leisure.  She felt so free.  She had her kids, and she was able to actually look around, taking her time, not having to rush.  It was wonderful not to feel worried that she would have to explain what had taken her so long if she took too long making up her mind, or if there were long lines, or any number of the things that might hold someone up from time to time. 
           The change in her circumstances was exhilarating.  At the checkout counter she couldn’t stop smiling; even the cashier couldn’t help, but notice how pretty she looked.  He smiled at her and said with sincerity “I hope you come back soon and he gave her the change.” 
          She laughed and started to tell him she’d be back often.  At that moment a guy in a white t shirt caught her eye.  She stood frozen, with her purse close to her chest, and her kids fussing in the buggy.  The cashier was alarmed by the frightened look on her face.  He came around the register. “Ma’am are you ok?” 

Brianna could n
ot breathe, let alone answer.  The guy she’d seen was standing at the customer service desk, shifting his weight back and forth just like Mike.  She didn’t move, she held her breath, waiting for him to turn around.
          The line was backing up, and she felt the pressure to move forward, but her feet felt like lead.  The lady at the customer service desk pointed directions for the guy, and he turned around.  Their eyes met when he noticed her staring and he smiled.  Brianna let out the breath she had been holding. The relieved exhalation came out in a whoosh.
          The cashier’s concerned voice brought her back. She told him “Yeah, I’m good, sorry I thought I saw someone I knew.”  He was reluctant to let her leave after witnessing the paralyzing fear he’d seen reflected in her eyes.   
     She didn’t make eye contact with him or anyone else until she was out of the store.  She was so shaken up by the experience that she had to hurry to the end of the parking lot, where she threw up in the grass. 
          Brianna sank down by the buggy until she felt calm again.  Chelsea was scared for her momma.  She felt something more was wrong more than just a tummy ache, but she was too young to understand her intuition. “Mommy are you ok?”  Chelsea started crying after she asked the question, and Brody followed.
          Both babies crying served as a distraction well enough to help her regain her composure.  She picked them up, knelt down, and held one child on each knee. “I’m alright guys, I just felt yucky for a minute, and it made me sick to my stomach”.  Brody had stopped crying and his curly head rested on her shoulder. 

Chelsea wasn’t sure why she didn’t really believe her mommy which really confused her because her mommy was the one person who always talked straight to her, like she was a big girl. 
          Brianna knew that Chelsea was struggling to understand, and needed reassurances.  Chelsea had stopped crying and was twirling Brianna’s hair around her finger and thumb.  Brianna felt better after sitting on the curb with her children in her lap, Chelsea’s twirling calmed them both.  She was resting her head by Brianna’s neck when she looked up, looking so much like Shirley Temple that it was almost funny, and asked “Mommy why are you kidnapping us?” Brianna jerked as if she’d been physically wounded by the question. 
          She didn’t know how or what to say to her five year old.  Brianna closed her eyes and Chelsea wiped away the tear that fell.  Brianna let her head fall and rest on Chelsea’s so they were brow to brow.  “I’m not kidnapping you baby.  That would mean I stole you, that you belonged to someone else.  And that’s not possible because we belong together. You, me, and your brother.  We had to move from our old house, but we’re gonna get a new house, and you will see daddy all the time when we get our own place, ok?  I promise.”  Chelsea smiled sweetly, put both her hands on Brianna’s cheeks, and asked “can I have my own purple room with no boy toys in it?”  And just like that Brianna knew they would be fine.
T
he trio stopped at the public library and picnicked on the lawn.  With their tummies full Brianna decided to walk to the nearest shopping plaza to see if there was anywhere that she could get her hair done.  She felt sure that if she didn’t do something to boost her morale, her reaction to seeing someone she thought was Mike would be nothing compared to having to see him face to face in court.
        She was unfamiliar with the area, luckily she saw a little beauty shop, with a flashing pink sign that read Stylez.  She poked her head in the door, and immediately felt like she had shown up naked to the prom.  When she scanned the room and realized she was the only white girl she almost ran away.  Instead she asked the gorgeous lady holding scissors in midair “Can you do anything with my hair?”
          The salon was silent for a few seconds until the scissor wielding beauty smiled brightly and told her “sure girrrl, pull up a seat, and I’ll work you in.”  The salon was buzzing again with all the town’s latest gossip.
Brianna waited flipping through hair magazines while her kids held center stage, and quickly became the sole source of entertainment for everyone.             Dominique finished up with her client and came over to where Brianna sat.     “Come to my station hun, and we’ll see what we can do.  Your hair is gorgeous though, I’d hate to cut it, what do you have in mind?”  Chelsea took this opportunity to chime in, with her mouth full of grape lollipop.  “She’s gotta look good for the courts.”  She batted her eyelashes “right, mommy?”