Like a Bee to Honey (20 page)

She saw the truth of his words in his eyes, but she couldn't let him make this kind of sacrifice for her. “It's too much, Josiah.”

“Rose,” he said. His voice was soft and tender, and she couldn't bear it. She wished she could plug her ears and never hear that voice again. “You have the purest, kindest heart I know. You would never turn away someone who needed your help, and you make me want to be a better man. I could never do too much for you.”

A sob started in her throat.
Ach, du lieva.
She had to maintain control. Swallowing the tears, she paced persistently back and forth across the porch. “Why do you say things like that? You know I am not that person.” She began to tremble. It was at least eighty degrees outside, and she was shivering like a leaf. “I can't do it, Josiah.”

He tried to reach out to her, but she stepped back. The last thing she needed was the comfort of his touch to confuse her.

The pain in his blue eyes was one more thing to feel guilty about. “Rose, this isn't . . . I don't understand. You're so . . .” He heaved a long sigh. “You're so . . .”

Her chest ached. It was as if her parents had died all over again. “Disappointing?”

His eyes flashed with intensity, fierce and deep. “I was going to say unselfish.”

“You want me to be different than I am.” She turned her face from him. “And I can't meet your expectations.”

He took off his hat and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. “I don't expect anything.”

“Then I think you should stay away.”

His eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. “What?”

“You promised me that you would leave when I told you to go. Now I'm telling you. I don't want you sleeping on my porch. I don't want you putting yourself in danger.”

“I'm not in danger—”

“You
will
get hurt, and I can't live with anything else on my conscience. I don't want you here.”

“Rose,” he whispered. There had never been so much pain in a single word.

“I don't want to see you anymore,” she said between ragged breaths. It was the biggest lie, as well as the most profound truth, she had ever told.

“Rose,” he said again. His voice sounded as if the summer had just died.

She kept her eyes glued to the line of duct tape on the porch floor. “
Denki
for trusting me enough to show me the message and for letting me cry on your shoulder and get your shirt wet, but I will be okay. I want you to go.”

She couldn't look at him, so she couldn't begin to guess what he was thinking. She had warned him that she would be a disappointment. Lord willing, he finally understood why. “Okay,
jah
,” he said, his words falling to the ground like stones. She heard, more than saw, him walk slowly down the steps. The gravel crunched beneath his feet as he made his way down the lane. Was he going to walk all the way home?

She almost called to him.
Take my horse. Take our buggy.
Instead, she stood motionless on the porch listening to the fading sound of his measured footsteps.

When she couldn't hear even the slightest remnant of sound, she took a deep, shuddering breath. May the
gute
Lord forgive her for hurting the gentlest soul she'd ever known. Was it possible to feel guiltier than she already did? She'd warned him about her. In time, he'd understand how blessed he was not to have the burden of Rose Christner in his life.

There was no reason now to choke back her tears. She sat down on the porch and bawled like she had the night her parents died, like a lost five-year-old with not even a doll to cling to for comfort. The tears burned her cheeks and her eyes felt raw, but it didn't stop her from crying. There would never be enough tears to fill up her ocean of pain.

It would hurt for a long time.

Chapter Fourteen

Even though there were about forty steps to making bee sting cake, it was one of Rose's favorite things to bake, partly because it took skill to see that the cake didn't fall and to make sure the cream filling turned out just right and to melt the butter without burning it. But mostly she loved making Bienenstich cake because it was something the Honeybee sisters always did together.

Poppy liked to mix the dough, and Lily always prepared the almond topping and poured it on top of the cake just before it went into the oven. Rose was the one who made the cream filling. There was a certain rhythm, almost a music, to working side by side in the kitchen with her sisters, making something delicious and beautiful to gladden someone's heart. A bee sting cake was a glorious gift to give. When someone got a bee sting cake, they knew they were special because the sisters had spent so much time on it. The effort to make the cake was part of the gift.

But ever since Rose had ordered Josiah off the porch, an air of anxiety had settled over the house. Everyone seemed weary and sad and unfriendly, even Aunt Bitsy, who seldom let anything put her in a bad mood. Well, a worse mood. Aunt Bitsy was always endearingly grumpy.

“Rose,” Poppy said. “Will you cut the cake into two layers? I can't do it with my cast.”

Rose cut the cake, then carefully put the top layer on a platter while Lily spread the bottom layer with cream filling. Rose and Lily together lifted the other layer on top of the cream filling. It looked beautiful and delicious at the same time. They'd been baking in the kitchen all afternoon, but there hadn't been any happy chatter or laughter like there usually was when they cooked together. Lily and Poppy tiptoed around Rose as if she were a sleeping badger. They refused to say one word about Dan or Luke, and they glanced at her out of the corners of their eyes as if they were afraid if they said anything, she would burst into tears.

Usually, when they knew Rose was upset or worried, they tried to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. Lily would never fail to give her a hug, and Poppy was always willing to punch someone if Rose needed her to—even though Rose would never have dreamed of asking.

Rose wiped a drop of cream from the plate and bit back her tears. She had never been more upset in her life, but her sisters would never know, if she could help it.

Since she had stormed out of the bedroom four nights ago, it seemed they weren't quite sure how to treat her, and it broke her heart. After Josiah had left and she had finished crying, she'd gone back into the house only to find Lily and Poppy sitting at the kitchen table with Aunt Bitsy.

She had walked right past them without a word, gone up to their room, and pretended to be asleep. They hadn't tried to get her to talk, then or since. If her sisters had decided they didn't love her anymore, she completely deserved it. She had hurt them very badly when they were only trying to be kind to her. Since she refused to let them take care of her, they didn't know what to do with her or how to fit her into their lives. The truth was, someone as selfish and spoiled as Rose
didn't
fit into their lives.

She had never felt so alone.

Rose hated herself for hurting them, but she couldn't bear to let anyone give up one more thing for her, and she couldn't bear that anyone might get hurt.

Not her sisters. Not Josiah Yoder.

The night after she had ordered him off their porch, Josiah had returned with Dan and Luke to paint the back of the barn. She had stayed shut up in the house, and he hadn't even tried to see her. She had watched him leave from one of the upstairs windows while Dan and Luke came in for ice cream.
Ach
, could anyone be crueler than she was?

She bit down on her tongue to keep the tears from flowing. She would not think about Josiah. It was hard enough to keep her composure with her sisters this close.

Lily scraped some of the extra cream from the bowl and licked it off her finger. “It's so smooth, Rose. The best you've made yet.”

“Denki,”
Rose said, flashing Lily a half smile. Lily didn't see it because she quickly turned away to put the dirty bowl in the sink.

Aunt Bitsy came in from outside with her shotgun. She didn't venture out without it anymore, and she always took the extra precaution of taking Billy Idol with her. Billy Idol was tough, but he wasn't quite as threatening as a shotgun. Leonard Nimoy frolicked into the room as if Aunt Bitsy had just taken her on a grand adventure. Billy Idol came in scowling and hissing. He would have made any watchdog proud.

Rose bit her lip. The shotgun, the somber looks, her unhappy family were all because of her. All this trouble and worry was about her. Rose's throat swelled up, and a weight the size of a buggy pressed against her chest.

What could she do? Every dream was a nightmare. Every day felt as if she were marching closer and closer to some terrible event, and she had no one to turn to. She didn't want to turn to anyone. No one must be in danger but her, but the possibility of danger was terrifying.

Aunt Bitsy rested her shotgun against the wall. “Dan and Luke must think we don't have anything better to do than entertain them.”

Lily's head snapped up, and it was the first time Rose had seen her smile all day. “They're here?”

Aunt Bitsy grunted. “An hour early. Nobody likes guests an hour early. Have they forgotten their manners?”

“I don't mind if they're here early,” Lily said.

Aunt Bitsy shrugged. “It just gives Luke more time to eat us out of house and home.”

Poppy beamed. “I know. Isn't he adorable?”

Aunt Bitsy opened the door before they could knock.

Luke and Dan came into the room as if they were family, which they were. Both of their gazes immediately settled on Rose, disquiet gleaming in their eyes. They were friends with Josiah and no doubt fully aware of how horribly Rose had treated him. Dan and Luke were both too kind to scold Rose, but they were probably wishing they could.

“If you come early, you have to help with dinner,” Aunt Bitsy said.

“I don't cook,” Luke said, winking at Poppy. “It's women's work.”

Aunt Bitsy didn't take Luke's bait. She was getting soft. “You eat more than your fair share, and Poppy has a broken hand. You're cooking whether you want to or not.”

Although Rose felt alone and vulnerable and frightened out of her wits, she wouldn't have reconsidered Lily's suggestion of postponing the wedding for the world. Lily lit up like a propane lantern whenever Dan was near, and Poppy was like a Fourth of July fireworks show. Rose would never be the one to separate her sisters from the boys they loved, no matter how devastated she would be when they left.

For some silly reason, Josiah, with his dark auburn hair and blue eyes came to her mind. Seeing him was like watching the sun rise, and sometimes she felt the fireworks when he smiled at her. Was Josiah her Dan?

Not anymore. The heaviness in her chest thickened like ice on the lake in January. She would never forget the sound of his voice when she had told him to go away. It was as if he would never find happiness again. She'd been mean and adamant—for his own good. But Josiah hadn't seen it that way. She had proven a disappointment to him after all, and for sure and certain he wouldn't be coming back.

A sob tried to claw its way out of her throat, but she swallowed hard and bit her tongue. She would draw blood if she let Josiah linger in her thoughts any longer. She turned the cake plate around and around. Their Bienenstich cake looked very pretty. Maybe Poppy and Lily would want to serve it to their fiancés instead of taking it to the Millers.

“Is that cake for me?” Luke said, losing his grim look and grinning at Rose like an affectionate big brother. “You shouldn't have.” He reached out to take a sample of Lily's almond topping.

“It's for Eli Miller,” Poppy said, giving Luke's hand a swat with a wooden spoon. “He had bunion surgery yesterday.”

Luke's eyes widened in disgust. “Bunion surgery? Your fiancé is less important than bunion surgery?”

“Jah,”
Poppy said. “And don't you forget it.”

Dan followed Lily to the sink, where they both washed their hands. “What am I making for dinner?” he said, flicking some water on Lily.

Lily let out a little squeak and threw a towel at Dan. “Rose baked a pizza crust. We're having cold chicken bacon ranch pizza.”

Dan gave Rose a smile. “
Denki,
Rose. I could eat your pizza crust plain, and it would be a fine dinner.”

Rose held perfectly still. If she tried to form her lips into a smile, she might just burst into tears. Lily and Poppy were as happy as she was miserable, and they were happier without her.

“
Cum
, Rose,” Lily said, eyeing her doubtfully. “You spread the ranch dressing while Dan and I cut chicken.”

Rose very nearly turned and ran up the stairs and fled to the safety of her room, but that would leave Luke to spread the dressing, and he wasn't even good at pouring water. For the sake of the pizza, she'd have to bite back the tears for a few minutes longer.

Poppy handed Luke some plates. He stared at them as if he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Poppy rolled her eyes, and he cracked a smile. “Okay. Fine then. I will set the table, but only because I'm hungry. Remember my willingness when you consider giving that cake to Eli Miller. I'll bet he doesn't set the table for his wife.”

Poppy grinned. “He can't. He just had bunion surgery.”

Rose spread the dressing, and Dan helped her sprinkle chicken and bacon and cheese while Lily made a salad. Rose set the pizza on the table and turned to see Poppy and Luke with their heads together, whispering and looking in her direction.

A shard of ice pierced her heart.
Ach, du lieva
, they were whispering about her. She didn't even belong in the family anymore.

When Luke and Poppy had gotten engaged, Rose had surrendered her place at the table to Luke and moved to the end of the table opposite Aunt Bitsy. Before today, it hadn't hurt so bad to give up her seat. Today it was as if she sat on the outer edges of everyone else's life, looking in on their happiness.

Lily put her arm around Rose. “
Cum
, Rosie. Sit by me this time.”

What was wrong with her? How silly she was to feel sorry for herself. “You should sit by Dan.”

“I'll have many years to sit by Dan after we're married,” Lily said. “I want to sit by you.”

Rose looked at the lonely chair at the end of the table. One of the slats had a strand of duct tape wrapped around it. Her heart flipped like a pancake. Josiah had fixed that chair. She gave Lily a half smile and squeezed her hand. “I don't mind.”

Lily pursed her lips but didn't argue.

They sat down, Rose in her duct-taped chair, and took hands for Aunt Bitsy's prayer.

“Dear Lord,” Aunt Bitsy began. “I am going to bless the food first, because I always forget. Please bless the food and make us grateful for it. Amen.” She growled and bowed her head again. “Lord, I forgot all the other stuff I was going to say. We are a little nervous about people making trouble on our farm. They seem to be picking on Rose specifically, and I won't stand for that. Please will You give one of them a bladder infection and the other the measles, or whatever You see fit. And Lord, I'm still waiting for that dose of humility for Luke Bontrager, if You're not too busy. Amen.”

Luke leaned back in his chair and smiled. “How can I be humble when I have the prettiest fiancée a boy could ask for?” He nodded at Lily. “No offense to you.”

“No offense taken,” Lily said. “Rose and Poppy are both far prettier than I am.”

Aunt Bitsy shook her head adamantly. “All you girls are as unique as the flowers on our farm. The bees like them all. There isn't a prettiest one.”

Dan winked at Lily. “I am partial to lilies.”

Josiah had winked at Rose like that once. She lowered her eyes and stared at her napkin. Luke had obviously set the table. Her napkin was crinkled and bent as if someone had made an attempt to fold it and given up. Her thoughts wandered down the lane to Josiah's little house and pumpkin patch. She had sent him away to keep him safe, but she couldn't have felt worse about it. She hated the thought of Josiah all alone in that house with no one but Honey the dog to comfort him.

Dan seemed a little sad tonight. Rose frowned. Dan was never sad. “Josiah has a whole garden full of roses,” he said.

Rose tried to ignore the butterflies that came to life in her stomach. She had seen the rose garden. Josiah had taken her there. Her chair creaked as she leaned back and wiped her mouth with her napkin.

Luke smirked. “I can take that chair to my shop tonight and make a new slat. Josiah shouldn't be allowed near a roll of duct tape ever again.”

Rose frowned. “Please don't fix it.”

Luke eyed her doubtfully. “It looks a little ragged. Are you sure?”

“Josiah has a
gute
heart and wanted to fix it, even if he didn't know how. He did the best he could.” Her voice cracked, and her heart suddenly broke for Josiah and the man he was trying to be. He didn't always do it right, but he did it with great enthusiasm. “It's perfect the way it is.”

Poppy gazed at Rose and pursed her lips. She nudged Luke's arm with her elbow. “Tell her, Luke.”

Luke looked from Poppy to Rose to Dan, and back again.

“Tell her,” Poppy insisted, between gritted teeth.

Luke was stubborn and+e with Rose. She liked that about him, even if she knew he was doing it on purpose. He was also protective and strong, and he loved Poppy. Rose adored him for how happy he made her sister. He placed his hand on Rose's arm. “Carl Poulson drove us to Wallsby this morning. Josiah came with us.”