Lilith - TI3 (31 page)

"Maybe. I've never really thought about it. As far as I'm concerned I'm a demon and will always be one. I have no desire to be anything else."

The Child's laughter felt like a gentle breeze. Lilith smiled.

"Uh huh! So that's why you spend so much time with humans! Forgive me for not believing you."

"
Okay. Maybe there are times. Anyway, just as you were a child, I was also one in my own way. I never knew what it was to be carried in the womb; to be loved or protected. I simply... was."

"But you had Dis to teach you. He explained the process."

"Pfft! Have you ever heard him explain anything that dealt with women? He hasn't a clue as to what we're about. Hell, he still thinks male demons determine the sex of their offsprings. That hasn't happened in over a million years."

"Yeah, Father is rather naïve about some things, but it's part of his charm."

"A charm that's very superficial."

"But effective!"

"True."

The light banter eased some of the tension Lilith was feeling. When she nodded her head, Agra stared at her suspiciously.

"Is there something you’re not telling me?"

The demoness shook her head.

"No. Just thinking. It must..."

Before she could finish her thought, Kali walked in carrying two cases of beer. Behind her followed a young man pushing a dolly with several boxes stacked on top of each other. It was obvious from his puppy dog expression he was smitten with the bartender. Rolling her eyes, Kali motioned for him to put the liquor cases in the corner.

"I’ve had to double our order. If we get any more customers, we’re going to have to expand. Umm... I’m not interrupting anything am I?" she asked, glancing from Agra to Lilith, sensing something was up.

"Not really. We’re just talking about the good old days," Agra replied before Lilith could respond.

"Uh huh. Like I believe that. Well, in case either of you are interested, I’m not going to be here tomorrow. Cammie and I have decided to go on a date."

"Date? You two have been fornicating for months. I have to leave the pad just to get some peace and quiet when you two are going at it. Don’t tell me you haven’t gone out together, yet!"

"Hey, it’s not like we just met. We have to see if we're compatible."

"Oh. I see. Test drive the car before you buy it, eh?"

Kali grinned, her lavender eyes sparkling.

"But of course! And I have to say this
car
purrrrrsss quite nicely."

"Geez, Kali. I hope Cammie doesn’t hear you talking about her like that?"

"Talking about me like what?" asked Cammie, strolling into the club.

"Hey, Cam. I just said you purrrred nicely and Agra thinks you might take exception to the remark."

Cammie looked at Agra and winked.

"PPPPUUURRRRR!"

Giving Kali a quick kiss, she slapped her on the butt and then left, waving bye to everyone as she dragged the Destroyer away toward the bar.

"I have to admit I’ve never seen her so happy," Lilith said.

"Yeah... and Cammie, from the way she's acting."

"And what about you?"

"Me? What do I have to do with them?" Agra asked, looking confused.

"Well, you and Kali have been together for a long time."

"She’s my best friend... not my lover. That was over a long time ago."

"So, no regrets?"

"No. I’m happy for them. I think they make a cute couple... and they deserve to be happy. Both of them have been alone a long time."

"Haven't we all," murmured Lilith. "Well, we’d better get busy. It’s almost time to open up."

"Uh huh. Don’t think you’re getting off the hook that easily. We’ll finish this discussion, later," threatened Agra, good-naturedly, walking over to help her friend with the restocking. Glancing at the young man standing quietly in the corner, she motioned with her head for him to scram. The disappointed expression on his face was priceless. Lilith decided it was a good time to escape into her office to finish up some paperwork.

"
I think you are as lonely as I am!"
said the Child.

"
What makes you say that? I have my friends, human and demon. I can come and go wherever I wish."

"That has nothing to do with loneliness. When was the last time you had someone to hold, to love... someone you really cared deeply about?"

"I care deeply about Kali and Agra... even your father in an odd sort of way."

"I'm not talking about friendship, Mother, and you know it."

"What I know is you're going somewhere that is none of your business!"
snapped Lilith.

"You're right, of course! It’s none of my business. I'm sorry."

Silence followed for several minutes while Lilith calmed down.

"
Why did you do it?"
she asked, changing the subject.

She could almost feel the mental shrug. The Child knew immediately what she was referring to.

"
I was angry... angry at you and father. Back then I wanted Adam to be my father. He would have loved me... at least that's what I thought... and then you would have."

Lilith couldn’t stop the tear from trickling slowly down her cheek. Bowing her head slightly, she tried to imagine what it must have been like for her daughter, knowing neither of her parents felt anything for her.

"
Maybe... then again, I’m not so sure. It wasn’t an emotion I was familiar with, and staying with him would not have guaranteed our love... at least not in the beginning... but you wouldn’t have known that"

"No. All I knew was what I was told and what I felt from the moment I was conceived."

"Who told you these stories about Adam and me? And why didn’t you come to me for the truth? It would have saved all of us a lot of pain."

"Does it matter? Many of them are gone. Others... well, it happened a long time ago. Besides, what would you do to them now?"

The demoness didn’t have an answer. The Child was right. What good would it do to seek out those who had poisoned her daughter’s mind... and were they really to blame? She was more responsible than anyone else.

"
Maybe nothing. I’m not sure. It’s true stirring up old memories and hatreds serve no purpose. It won’t change the past. At least tell me what you heard so I can better understand."

For several minutes, she felt nothing... and then came a soft mental sigh.

"
You know there was a lot of resentment over the Great Battle. Many of the demons and minions blamed you for the loss of their comrades and for being banished from the heavens."

"We were aware some hated us, but Dis said they would get over it. Demons always need something to moan about."

"He was wrong. Their hatred festered until the opportunity for revenge presented itself. That was me. You and Father ignored me as if I didn't exist so I had unlimited access to the Underworld. I was aware of the furtive glances cast toward me but I thought they were just jealous because I was the child of the Overlord and his whore."

Lilith cringed slightly at the description but knew it was accurate enough, although she and Dis eventually married.

"Sorry. Later came the rumors about you and father and Adam. They only confirmed what I heard... that you were the reason for the schism between Dis and the Twin, but Adam was the real cause. Had he not abused you, Dis would never have come to your defense and you and he would never have joined."

"Abused me? Adam was never abusive!"

Just the thought made Lilith bristle. Adam may have been many things but he never mistreated or said an unkind word to her or about her. His only fault was his failure to recognize her as equal. Even then, she didn’t blame him entirely. The Twin could have resolved the dispute by simply declaring them so. The demoness believed Adam would have accepted how she felt if that had occurred and then they would have worked things out between themselves.

"Whether he was or wasn’t didn’t matter? They said he was an arrogant and self-centered. He made you serve him... and expected you to service his needs. Supposedly you were treated worst than the lowest minion and when you finally rebelled, he had you removed from Paradise as punishment. Then having no one to wait on him, he cried and whined to the Twin begging him to bring you back. They said Father rescued you and offered his protection, refusing to let Gabriel take you back. When the angel returned to Paradise empty-handed, Adam was so angry he ranted and raved about you being his and goaded Gabriel for failing his master. The Twin was so infuriated by Father’s defiance, he sent his Army to the gates of the Underworld with an ultimatum... and against the Legion’s advice, Father ordered his followers into battle. I believed them."

"That's ridiculous! How could you believe such trash... and even if it was true, what did it have to do with you?"

"Perhaps nothing... but in my mind, everything. No child likes to hear her mother or father being talked about like that."

"Do you still think that?"

The laughter was soft, although it held little joy.

"No! I’ve had a lot of time to think... and the person I am wouldn't be the same if Dis weren't my father... but back then I thought differently. It was all very confusing at the time. I just remember thinking if I had been conceived out of affection rather than lust, you would have loved me."

"Yes... I can see that."

"I’m glad. Knowing you understand makes my exile more bearable."

It wasn’t until it landed on her hand that Lilith realized she was crying. Staring at the tear, she touched it with her fingertips.

"Don’t cry for me, Mother. I’ve grown used to the isolation... and it’s given me time to explore my feelings. I don’t blame you or Father... and I understand your reasons. Exile was a fitting punishment for the chaos I created."

"Maybe it was then... or maybe Dis and I should have been more compassionate. It must have been awful to be banished to that place. I can’t imagine what it would be like to see everything but never be seen... to no longer feel a touch or to share thoughts... to be alive and yet to know you have no substance."

"Awful? In the beginning and for thousands of years afterward, I swore vengeance. I thought I would go insane, but as time went by, I realized what I had done... and learned how I had wronged everyone. I accept your punishment as just and have grown comfortable with myself."

"And if you could return to this world, would you?"

"If I could, I would. Whether I would be happy is another story... but we both know it is a moot point. As you and Father said in the beginning, once the deed was done, there is no undoing it, even if you wanted to."

"Times have changed. We all have grown more knowledgeable... for better or worse. You have borne the burden of our neglect long enough."

For a fleeting moment Lilith thought she felt a dark satisfaction emanating from the Child but it came and went so quickly she wasn’t sure. Frowning, she wondered if she had imagined the darkness.

"You still doubt me!"
the sad whisper was almost more than Lilith could bear. "
Until you are confident about your own decisions, Mother, don’t think of my loneliness. Like I said, I’m comfortable with myself... and now that I have you to talk to, my world is brighter."

Lilith decided to ignore her doubts temporarily.