Lily Love (29 page)

Caroline,

Thank you for everything you did for me yesterday. I’m sorry I won’t be here when you wake up; there are arrangements I need to take care of with Tarryn. I will call you as soon as I can.

Love,

Tate.

“Love, Tate.” I really like the way that sounds.

I get up, brew some coffee, and start my computer. Already my mind is churning out the next chapter of
Lily Love
. I’m eager to sit down and get it outlined, before I forget what I want to say. There’s been no shortage of inspiration, either. Between the highs of burgeoning love, the lows of Tate’s tremendous loss, and the fear of how he’ll handle Lily—I’ve got a lot of raw emotion to draw from. Writing has given me space to process the drastic changes of late. It just so happens that I’ve been able to weave it all into a story I’m no longer afraid to tell: mine. I don’t know what I want to do with it yet; I just want to see if I can finish it. Maybe I’ll query it; maybe I’ll self-publish, who knows. We’ll see.

My phone startles me out of my thoughts, and my heart speeds up a little when I see it’s Peter.

“Is everything okay?” I don’t even say hello.

“Good morning to you, too.” Peter laughs easily. I release the breath I was holding in and relax. “I was calling to see if I could stop by to pick up our membership card to the Science Center. I thought it’d be nice to take Lily there today.”

“Of course,” I reply, distracted. “Stop by on your way.”

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks.

“I’m sorry, Peter . . .” I hesitate for a minute, trying to decide how or if I should bring up Tate. “A friend of mine lost his mother yesterday. I’ve been preoccupied with that.”

“That’s terrible. Do I know them?” he asks with concern. I know he must think it’s someone we know together.

“No, you don’t know him,” I say cautiously. “It’s someone I met at the hospital, when Lily was in the EMU.”

There’s an awkward silence on the other end as Peter considers what I’m saying.

“Oh.” The hurt is evident in his voice, and I wish there were a way to avoid causing it.

“Peter—” I start to say, when he cuts me off.

“Are you, like . . . are you seeing someone?”

“Yes,” I say. “It’s still very new.”

“Were you going to tell me?” he asks.

“Of course, but I was going to wait until I decided it was time for him to meet Lily. I would never bring anyone into her life without talking to you first,” I assure him.

“Wow,” he says softly.

“Peter, I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I gotta go check on Lily. We’ll be by later.” Before I can say goodbye, he hangs up.

I don’t blame him; what is there to say? Eventually he will fall in love again, and I know it will sting. We loved each other too much for it not to matter.

I place my phone down on the desk and stare at the computer screen where I stopped to pick up the phone. I outline another chapter chronicling all the details of how Peter and I fell in love and then lost each other. I write it to remind myself that, moving forward, I can never repeat the mistakes of the past.

The doorbell rings just as I’m shutting down the computer. I open the door to find Peter standing on the front step.

“Hi.” I smile at him, “Where’s Lily Pad?”

“She’s in the car,” he replies.

We stand in silence for a beat, wondering what to say next. I don’t want our relationship to be strained with awkwardness. I want us to be able to talk and be friendly for Lily. It hurts to think that we couldn’t.

“Listen, I’m not going to pretend I’m not surprised or hurt that you’re dating someone else.” Peter pinches the bridge of his nose, a familiar sign of stress.

“Peter, I’m—” I start to say.

“Caroline, don’t,” he interrupts. “I don’t want your apology. I just want you to know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“I know,” I reply. “I want you to be happy, too.”

“I know.” He gives me a sad smile. Life has a strange way of coming full circle. Peter and I weren’t able to make each other happy in the long run. You’d think it would bring some relief knowing that we’ve cleared the way for it. I think it’s fair to say we’re at peace with our decision, but it will always be bittersweet.

“Lily’s waiting,” he says. “Can I get our . . . the membership card?”

I grab the card from my wallet and walk with Peter out to the car. I can see Lily start to bounce in her booster seat when she sees me. She looks so happy, and I hope more than anything that she always will be. I stick my head into the backseat of the car to give her a hug and a kiss. She hugs me back with enthusiasm, and plants a wet kiss on my cheek. She’s unbridled joy, and in that moment, I’m confident that Tate will love her. Who could help themselves?

I hope.

It’s late in the afternoon when I get a text from Tate asking if he can come by. When he shows up at my door, it’s with Shasta daisies and red carnations.

“Thank you for taking care of me.” He smiles sheepishly, but it doesn’t hide his sorrow.

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” I say.

“Tarryn and I spent the morning at the funeral home trying to figure out what to do. Mom didn’t want a memorial service, but it feels wrong not to remember her in some way. Tarryn wants to bring her ashes home with her to Wilmington, which is fine, I guess.” He pauses and hangs his head. “It’s so surreal. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost.” I take his hand and lead him to the living room, where we can sit back and talk about the day.

I squeeze his hand and scoot closer to him on the couch. “I don’t know what it feels like to lose a parent the way you did, but I know a little about the emptiness of feeling lost.” I pause for a moment, hoping
I’m not overstepping by sharing. He may not be in a place where he wants his mourning compared to anything else, and I want to be respectful of that.

When he looks at me with curiosity, I take it as a sign to continue. “The day I found out that Lily had a developmental disability, I was completely blindsided. I’d taken her in for a speech evaluation, never expecting it would turn out the way it did. I felt like my whole future had been ripped away from me and replaced with someone else’s life. I felt completely lost in my sadness, and I was certain no one could possibly understand how that felt. I shut down and pushed everyone out of my life. I guess my point is, I know how easy it is to disappear inside your grief.”

“I’m sorry you went through that alone,” he replies.

“I didn’t have to,” I say. “And neither do you.” I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Redemption comes in the most unlikely places. I spent years telling myself that it would be too hard to let Peter see inside my anguish, so I pushed him away. It’s humbling to see that just holding Tate’s hand can connect me to his loss. It’s beautiful in its simplicity.

“I love you, Caroline.” The words come out in a whisper, making me doubt that I’ve heard them correctly. I lift my head to find Tate watching me through tear-filled eyes. “You remind me there’s still beauty in this world. During the most painful time in my life, you’ve shown me more love than I knew possible.”

My heart pounds frantically against my ribs at Tate’s confession.

“I love you, too,” I reply. The smile that spreads across his face makes me want to weep for what I have to say next. “But we have to take a step back, Tate.”

“W-what?” he stammers. “I don’t understand.”

“There are so many things all happening at the same time, and I don’t want to screw this up,” I explain. “You need to be there for Tarryn right now, and I need to focus on working on this new transition with Lily. I’m not saying we shouldn’t see each other; I’m just saying we
should slow down, and make room for all of these changes instead of steamrolling our way through them.”

His brows pinch together as he thinks about what I’m saying. He looks so conflicted I almost backpedal. “I don’t like the thought of stepping back, but you’re right,” he says.

“You need this time with your sister to grieve,” I say.

“Kindergarten is going to be a huge leap, for you and Lily,” he replies.

“That’s not the only transition I need to prepare her for,” I say. “I want her to be ready to meet you.” I smile when I say it, because I’m not afraid anymore.

If I needed confirmation, the dimples would’ve done it. They wink at me through his beaming smile. “I’m looking forward to spending a lot of time with both of you,” he says.

“I want that, too.” I squeeze his hand and lock my eyes with his. “Stepping back doesn’t mean pulling away.”

“I know.” He smiles at me. “We’re kismet, right?”

“Exactly.” I grin back at him. No matter what happens, I know it will be okay.

head full of doubt

T
he next few weeks go by much faster than I expected them to, and before I know it my baby is about to begin kindergarten. Peter and I have met with Lily’s team and have written an IEP—an Individualized Education Plan—supporting her inside a mainstream classroom. Twice a week for the last few, we’ve spent time in the classroom, getting her used to a new environment.

Everything is ready to go, but my nerves are keeping me from getting any sleep. Ignoring the time on the clock, I roll over and reach for my phone on the nightstand.

“Hello?” A very groggy Paige answers on the third ring.

“What if other children make fun of her, Paige?”

“Caroline,” she yawns. “The teachers have already made plans to talk to the class about Lily. No one is going to allow her to be left out in any way.”

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“What’s the matter, sis? Can’t sleep?”

“No, I can’t. My mind won’t quiet down long enough for me to fall asleep.” I sigh.

“Well, I know you’re worried about Lily, but is there something else you need to talk about? Have you spoken to Tate lately?” she asks carefully.

Of course I’ve talked to Tate. I talk to him every day.

“Yes, I’ve talked to him,” I say. “I just miss him.” I’ve seen him a handful of times over the last few weeks. With Tate settling his mother’s estate, and me getting Lily ready for kindergarten, it feels like forever. Despite that, we’re doing well. We haven’t been able to see each other as much, so we’ve relied heavily on talking on the phone. It’s a mixed blessing, because while I miss him, we’ve gotten very good at communicating. Just one more week and I’ll be introducing them. I can’t wait to move forward. This step back has been good for us all, but I’m ready to get on with life.

“Well, you get to see him tomorrow, right?” she asks.

That’s the real reason for my insomnia. Tomorrow I go to the hospital to get my cast off, finally. While I’m there, Peter is going to drop off Lily at speech therapy and meet me and Tate in the cafeteria. My stomach pitches nervously at the thought. A year ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d be introducing Peter to a man who could become such a big part of Lily’s life. Still, it’s only right that he meets Tate first and gets comfortable with him before Lily does.

“Yep, tomorrow’s the big day. I get my cast off and I’m introducing my ex-husband to my boyfriend,” I reply.

“Just another day for you, then?” She laughs softly.

“Oh, yeah. A day in the life for me.” I sigh. “I’m not afraid as much as I’m nervous. I want to get it over with, ya know?”

“Kiddo, I can only imagine,” she responds. “I’m proud of you. You’ve grown so much, and I’m so glad that you found someone who appreciates what you’ve been through.”

“Tate is pretty magnificent,” I say, “but I’m lucky, too.”

“Yes, you both are. Now, don’t sweat tomorrow. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Paige is right; it’ll be fine. I just needed to hear someone else say it. Peter wants me to be happy, and we both want Lily to thrive. Tate is going to be a part of the picture, so we’ve got to be able to get along. We’re all in complete agreement on that.

“It means the world to me to have your support, Paige,” I tell her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I know; who would you call at one a.m.?” she teases. “Seriously, I’m here for you and I’m on your side. Always.”

“I love you, Paige.”

“I love you, too,” she replies. “You gonna be okay?”

“I’m going to use some of this mental energy and go write for a little while. Maybe getting it out of my head and on paper will help.”

“Wow, Caro, you’ve been writing nonstop. How far in are you?”

“I’m about twenty-five thousand words into the story; maybe a third of the way done.”

Hearing myself say it out loud suddenly makes my little writing project very big and very real. I never intended to write a book; I just wanted to write my story. After the first ten thousand words, I realized what a great novel it would make. At first, words and emotions flew out of my head and into the computer quicker than I could keep up with them. Once I hit my stride, watching it all unfold on paper made me realize just how far I’d come. I’m proud of myself for seeing this through, and I hope I find the courage to let someone read it.

“Have you decided on a name?” Paige asks. I pause for a moment, both scared and excited to tell her what I’ve come up with. The title was as important as the body of the story.