Lily Love (30 page)

“
Lily Love
,” I reply.

In a year, the title has come to mean several different things to me. In the beginning, it illustrated the journey of learning to separate Lily from her disability and love her just as she is. When Tate gave me his landscape portrait named
Lily Love
, it began to symbolize hope and second chances. Now it’s the embodiment of my greatest desire and
worst fear: whether Tate can accept the breadth of her needs, and fall for my little Lily Love.

“It’s perfect,” Paige responds.

“I think so, too,” I say. “Good night, Paigey.”

“Night, Caro.”

our story

T
he need to purge my thoughts into my manuscript was bigger than I’d realized. I sat for hours shaping all of the emotions clogging my head into more chapters, and somewhere just before dawn, I finally fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. While the writing part was cathartic, the abbreviated sleep not so much. I nodded off for a few minutes in the exam room waiting for Dr. Haren, but it wasn’t enough to shake my fatigue.

Now I’m tired and nervous, a combination that’s allowed my fears to reach new heights. After all, life with Lily is impossible to capture with words. It’s something you have to experience firsthand in order to really understand. I know that’s the biggest concern that Peter has about anyone I date, as well. There’s no way that either of us could truly prepare Tate beforehand. What if he gets a taste and decides he can’t handle it? I’d move on, but I’d never get over it. That’s what scares me the most. If Tate can’t accept Lily, my heart will be irrevocably broken.

The aroma of roasted espresso beans greets me like a long-lost friend as I step inside the cafeteria. There’s no sign of Peter or Tate, so I head straight for the coffee cart and order my skinny vanilla with a double shot.

“Make that two,” Tate’s voice calls from behind me. I spin around and am met with my favorite dimpled smile.

“Hey, stranger.” I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a quick hug. What I’d really like to do is nuzzle my face into his neck and ask him to promise me that everything will be okay. He would, without hesitation, but I can’t let him give his word when he doesn’t know what he’s committing to.

“I’ve missed you.” He kisses the top of my head before letting me go to pay the barista. He shoots me a quizzical look as we make our way to a table. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” I cringe as the words come out of my mouth. “No, I’m not. I’m sorry. I’m so scared,” I confess. “What if you and Peter don’t get along? Worse yet, what if today goes smoothly, only for you to decide that Lily is too much for you to handle?” Tears well behind my eyes, sending me into a blinking fit to hold them back.

He leans across the table and wipes a rogue tear from my cheek. “You own my heart, and because Lily is a part of you, so will she.” Attempting not to cry is pointless. What started as one becomes a deluge spilling down my face. “I know you’re scared that I’m getting in over my head. What I need you to understand is, whatever lies ahead with Lily, you are worth every bump in the road.”

“I love you so much.” I sniffle.

“Then have faith in me,” he pleads. “Let me show you how much I can love both of you.”

I barely have time to blot my face and take a deep breath before I catch sight of Peter walking into the cafeteria. Tate follows the line of my vision and stands to greet Peter as he approaches.

“Tate Michaels,” he says, extending his hand to Peter.

“Peter Williams,” he says, shaking it. When Peter turns to me, his eyes reflect the weariness he must be feeling. “Caroline,” he says, as he sits down.

“Listen,” I say. “I know this is uncomfortable—”

“Caroline,” Peter interrupts. “If it’s okay, I just want to talk to Tate for a minute.”

I force myself to swallow past the knot forming in my throat. “You want me to leave?” I ask.

“No, no,” Peter answers. “I just thought it would be easier if I could say what I have to say.”

I look over at Tate, who’s taking it all in with a calmness I’m grateful for.

“Okay,” Tate replies. “I’m all ears.”

I shift in my seat to face Peter, wondering where his head is.

“First of all, I trust Caroline,” Peter starts. “I know she would never bring someone into Lily’s life who wasn’t good for her. I’m not worried about that. I know you care about Caroline; I want to know how you feel about Lily.”

“Peter,” I say. “Tate hasn’t met her yet. He can’t honestly tell you how he feels about her.”

“I know that, Caroline,” Peter says, “but he is going to be in Lily’s life. I want to know that he’ll be good to her when you’re all together. Her needs are a lot to handle; I need to know that he’s up to the task.”

“Caroline’s been very explicit about Lily’s needs,” Tate says, “but I know that reality is not as neat as her explanations.”

Peter shakes his head on a heavy sigh. “I don’t want Lily to feel like you’re only there for Caroline.”

I can only sit back and watch as the man I used to love and the man I’m in love with now hash out the best way to love my daughter.

Tate leans in toward Peter, resting his forearms on the table. “I know I’m going to love Lily. Part of me does already, because she’s Caroline’s daughter, and I want to get to know her and discover the little girl she is.”

“That’s what I needed to hear,” Peter replies. “I know you’ve got plans to meet her next week, and I needed to know where you stood before that. I hope you understand.”

I know it’s not easy for Peter to hear how Tate feels, but I’m so proud of him for putting his own feelings aside to make sure Lily’s needs are met. He’s grown so much as a man and a father.

“I get it,” Tate says. “I hope you feel a little better about it now. It would be nice for Lily if you and I got along.”

“That’s the goal.” Peter reaches his hand out, and they shake on it.

“Do I get to say something?” I ask. Two sets of kind, warm eyes fall on me, and I’m momentarily blown away by where my life has come. It took one to love me enough to leave so the other could come into my life. Life is a wonder, if complicated in its beauty. “Thank you both for putting Lily’s needs first.”

I would’ve never guessed I’d be here, but I’m so grateful I am.

One week later, Lily’s holding my hand as we walk into the frozen-yogurt shop near our house. One wall is lined with several flavors of self-serve frozen yogurt, while the other houses a long buffet of toppings. It’s Lily’s favorite place to come for a treat. I’m not above a little bribery to smooth everything along. I’m hoping that putting her at ease with a familiar environment will help lessen some of my own apprehension. It feels like I’ve been waiting for this meeting my whole life, not just the last couple of weeks.

“Lily, do you remember who I said we’re meeting?” I ask. Lily’s focus is on the pictures above each flavor. She loves that she can choose by picture, and I love the confidence she gains by choosing on her own.

“Mama friend Tater. Wanda choco-wut, pwease,” she says without missing a beat.

“Thank you for using your good manners—and yes, we’re meeting my friend Tate,” I reply. “Can you say ‘Tate’?”

She furrows her delicate brow at me and repeats, “Tater.”
Duh, Mom
.

“Caroline?” I look up from Lily’s quizzical face, straight into Tate’s dimpled smile. It still turns my insides to mush every time he unleashes it on me.

“Hi.” I can’t help the smile spreading across my own face. My heart pounds a frantic rhythm as the reality of what’s happening sets in. “Lily, this is the friend I was telling you about.”

She looks up at Tate and gives him a bashful smile.

“Your mama has told me so many wonderful things about you, Lily. I’m Tate.” He takes her tiny hand in his and shakes it. The way he treats her, like any other child, brings tears to my eyes.

“Hi, Tater,” she replies, and starts to flap her hands. “I like choco-wut.” Her face is lit up with excitement and expectation.

It takes everything in me not to jump in and try to settle her little arms down. Her flapping is a fundamental part of who Lily is and how she expresses herself. Tate needs to be okay with who she is, quirks and all.

“That’s code for, ‘I want you to put some in a cup for me.’ She’s a bit passive-aggressive when she’s trying to tell me what she wants.” I chuckle and hand Tate a cup from the dispenser.
She likes him.
The thought fills my heart, and I can only hope that Tate will feel the same.

“I like chocolate, too. It’s my favorite,” Tate says. “You’d better help me work this thing, sweetheart. I’ve never done this before.”

Lily’s eyes dart back and forth between Tate and me.

Not wanting her to feel conflicted, I take the cup from Tate. “I’ll show you.”

Lily smiles broadly and bounds toward the chocolate yogurt machine with Tate and me in tow. Lily’s a little cautious, but for the most part, she seems quite taken with Tate. If he’s intimidated, he isn’t showing it at all, and it makes my heart sing to watch them together. She pulls at his hand impatiently as we make our way to the topping bar. Whatever she points to, she lets Tate add to her cup.

“Mama like wocky woad,” Lily declares when they get to the cashier. Once again she looks at Tate expectantly, but this time he chuckles under his breath.

“I’ll get it myself, Lily Love,” I say.

“Why, Mama? Tater good helper!” she replies.

I try hard not to laugh, but she’s so adorable, I can’t help myself. My heart can hardly take the picture the two of them paint as they inspect their masterpiece.

“Can I make you one?” I ask Tate. Clearly it’s going to be a while before Lily relinquishes the hold she has on her new friend.

He scrunches up his nose. “They have rocky road–flavored yogurt?”

“No.” I laugh. “I get chocolate and add almonds and marshmallows at the bar.”

“Ooooh,” he says. “Well, then, I’ll definitely take one of those.”

“Will you be okay for a minute?” I ask Tate.

“I think so. What do you think, Lily?”

“Yup,” Lily manages around a mouthful of treat. Her answer may be short, but it goes a long way to reassuring me that we’re on the right track.

“Well, then, I’ll be right back with two rocky roads,” I say.

But I freeze in my tracks when Lily asks, “What your mama favo-wit flavor?”

Tate answers without hesitation. “It was cookies and cream.”

“She not here?” Lily asks innocently.

“No, sweet girl, she’s not,” Tate answers.

“S’okay, Tater.” She shrugs and continues. “I share mine.”

From the mouth of my baby girl came the most beautiful sentence I’d ever heard. She can’t recite her ABCs or count past ten, but she accepted a near stranger—
my
stranger—with an openheartedness she may not always receive herself. I’m so incredibly blessed that she is mine; that they both are.

epilogue: the end where i begin

T
ears blur my vision as the last words of
Lily Love
appear on my computer screen: “The End.” I pause for a moment, wondering if that is truly accurate. The end of one part doesn’t necessarily signify the resolution of the whole story. If anything, the last year of my life has taught me not to take the future for granted. With a verbal command, the cursor backs up so I can add another word in the last sentence: “Not The End.”

I click Save and compile my story into a Word document. Maybe the fatigue of writing into the wee hours of the morning has shortened my memory, but I can’t seem to remember why I was ever so afraid to tell this story the way it was supposed to be told. This may not be the life I imagined I’d have, but I’m exactly where I want to be. It took losing my marriage and myself to realize how mysteriously beautiful life is.

Once the conversion is complete, I open the file to make sure I did it right. My heart skips with excitement as my eyes skim over the first perfect line.

“For Lily: Every day you teach me, and everyone you meet, that different does not mean less. I love you more than life. Ugga Mugga, always, Mama.”

chapter titles

“A Sorta Fairytale,” Tori Amos

“Building a Mystery,” Sarah McLachlan

“We Never Change,” Coldplay

“What Do I Do Now?,” Sam and Ruby

“When a Heart Breaks,” Ben Rector

“Comes and Goes in Waves,” Greg Laswell

“And So It Goes,” Billy Joel

“Caroline I See You,” James Taylor

“Fall Apart Today,” Schuyler Fisk

“Gotta Figure This Out,” Erin McCarley

“Talk,” Coldplay

“Comfort of Strangers,” Beth Orton

“My Little Girl,” Jack Johnson

“Reason Why,” Rachael Yamagata

“Fault Line,” Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

“Bend and Break,” Keane

“Mercy,” OneRepublic

“Friend Like You,” Joshua Radin

“Distance,” Christina Perri and Jason Mraz

“A Beautiful Mess,” Jason Mraz

“Always Remember Me,” Ry Cuming

“Off We Go,” Erin McCarley