Lily's Mistake (21 page)

There’s nothing I can do, but hope for the best.

25

We vigilantly wait for hours on end and don’t leave the waiting room area until we hear news from the doctors inside.

The waiting part is the worst battle anyone can be faced with.

We almost jump in our seats when the doctor approaches us.

“The operation was a success. He’s doing fine, but he’s still not in the clear. He should be out very soon.”

He’s about to leave, but I stop him. “Wait! What do you mean exactly by ‘he’s still not in the clear’?”

“That there are still a lot of possibilities for him to have complications.”

I merely nod my head before he leaves us and goes back inside the OR. Fear grips me, making it hard for me to breathe.

“Sit down, Lil, and try to relax. He should be out soon.” Mom tries to calm me down as she guides me back to my seat.

After over an hour, Drake is finally back in his private room looking as pale as ever. I’m alone in the room, the rest are out in the connected private sitting room. I stand at the foot of the bed, staring at him, scared and helpless.

When I glance back at the monitor, I notice that the digits are starting to decline. “Mom?”

“Mom!!!” I scream.

“What? What’s wrong?” Hugh comes inside. He glances at the monitor when it starts to beep.

“No, not again!” Hugh panics, but manages to call for the nurse.

Mom and Patricia start to look frightened. When the nurse comes and reassures us that it’s normal for the blood pressure to drop after a surgery, it doesn’t help ease my worries.

The nurse then checks for dehydration and whatever else that is needed. I watch it all, still stuck at the foot of the bed.

“Lily! You’re bleeding!” Patricia yells, horrified as she looks at my blood stained jeans.

The blood is seeping through my jeans quickly. I look up at them, powerless. “What’s happening?” I whisper. Tears start to form in my eyes, blurring everything.

That’s the last thing I say before everything goes black, darkness takes me in.

When I wake up the next day, Mom and Colin are in the room with me. Mom is silently crying while Colin tries to soothe her.

“The baby?” I croak out. It’s the first thing that enters my brain when I wake up.

Mom sadly shakes her head, tearing up again.

My throat constricts, but I swallow back the tears. I can’t fall apart now, Drake is still in danger. “Drake?”

“He’s fine. He’s stable now,” Colin manages to respond because Mom is still crying.

“Can you guys take me home? I want to be alone.”

“The doctor advises that you stay the night, so they can monitor you,” Colin says with worry, knowing where my thoughts are heading.

“I’ll rest at home. I promise, I will. I want to be discharged, please? I need to be alone, please,” I beg them both.

“Is that what you really want, Sweetie?” Mom asks, understanding my need to be alone.

I give her a small nod. “Yes.” 

“Okay,” Mom whispers before she gets up to take care of it.

Half an hour later, Colin and Mom are driving me home. I declined when they asked me if I wanted to visit Drake before I left.  I couldn’t handle it.

Not in the state that I’m in, not without having a nervous breakdown.

When Colin parks outside my house, I tell him to stay in the car. Mom helps me out and walks me to the door. “I can take it from here, Mom. Tell Pat and Hugh I will be there in a day or two.”

Mom hugs me. “I love you. I want to be here for you, but it seems that you need to be on your own. I don’t agree with this, but I am going to respect your need for privacy. I’m a phone call away,” she reminds me.

“I love you, too,” I whisper, trying to hold it together.

She waits for me to get in the house before she turns and leaves with Colin.

I don’t bother turning on the lights. The darkness suits my feeling and my mood. It’s odd when I walk. There is this weird hollowness in my stomach. There’s only a hint of pain to remind me that I lost something today.

I feel completely empty.

When I get upstairs, instead of going directly into my bedroom, I go across the hall to the other room. I stand against the door, my hand gripping the handle. I slowly open it and go inside.

That very same day when Drake got into the car accident, I spent all morning painting and rearranging the small bedroom. Taking out things that weren’t needed, so I would have space for a crib, a diaper changing station, a rocking chair; the things I had ordered online that day.

The eggshell colored paintjob is only halfway done; I remember thinking that I would have all the next day to finish it.

There it was, unfinished. Just like my pregnancy.

I wanted that baby. I was excited to have something to look forward to, but it was short-lived.

A dying scream comes from me before I curl up on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

I’m crying for my dad. For Drake.

But most of all, I cry for the baby I never got the chance to know, to hold. The baby I loved will just be in my memory. Forever stuck there, frozen.

26

The next day, I wake still curled up on the floor. I slowly stand and go inside my bedroom to cry more in bed.

I need to cry it out before I head back to the hospital tomorrow. If Drake wakes up and sees me in a terrible state, I don’t want him to blame himself.

He’d think it was his fault that I lost the baby, but I know it is mine. I was negligent. I barely ate; especially, with the stress level I was going through with Drake. I was advised to take proper nutrition and hydrate all the time, but I didn’t. It’s my fault that I lost my baby.

When I wake the following morning, Mom is downstairs cooking me breakfast. “Good morning. Drake’s awake. I came by to make sure you’re doing fine and to tell you the news.”

I feel relief, but not enough to dull the pain inside me. The hollowness hasn’t left me. “I will be going out to see him later.”

Mom plants a plate before me, mushroom and cheese omelet with a glass of orange juice. She then kisses my forehead and whispers, “Stay strong. There’s no one to blame. Sometimes life has its own way of dealing with things. I’m sorry you have to go through this, though. Do you want to talk about it?”

My chest feels heavy. Each breath I take hurts. “No, I need time to cope with it first. Don’t tell Drake anything yet.”

“We know. It isn’t our place to tell him that. Whenever you’re ready, then you can do that yourself.”

I silently eat my breakfast. I’m not hungry, but I force it down, anyway.

Mom waits until I’m ready to head back to the hospital. I’m relieved to find Drake sleeping when I get there.

After an hour, he wakes, asking for me. “Where’s Lily?”

I get up and get my crap together. “Hey, nice to finally see you up and awake.” I smile at him as I walk towards his bed.

He groggily smiles at me, reaching for my hand. I clasp it with mine, needing assurance, needing his love and his warmth. “I made it,” Drake whispers happily.

I wipe the tears running down my face. “You did. Thank you for that. I wouldn’t have forgiven you if you didn’t.”

“Don’t cry. I’ll get better, I promise. I’ll be as good as new when our baby comes.” Drake slowly reaches out and softly wipes my tears away.

Not knowing what to say, I simply nod.

“I’m tired, but I want you to stay close. I love knowing that you’re here, holding my hand,” he whispers before his eyes start to close.

“I’ll be here. I promise.”

A small smile forms on his lips, eyes still shut. “I love you,” he manages to whisper. I know he’s asleep when his grip softens.

I sit next to him, kissing his hand and telling him how much I love him, too. 

Drake isn’t allowed to go home for two weeks.

In those two weeks, I entertain him with board games, reading and watching movies. Drake slowly regains his strength. I have successfully dodged all of his questions about the baby, answering them vaguely.

It works, for a bit, but the day before he’s to be discharged, he asks again.

I come into his room around ten in the morning with breakfast in hand. “Good morning! Did you sleep well?” I ask.

“I did, thanks. Now, come over here and give me a kiss.” I laugh at his demand. Apart from the bandage around his head, Drake looks almost like his old self. I bend over and give him a kiss. I expect it to be quick, but I’m surprised when he takes hold of my head and devours my lips. Kissing me so passionately, it breaks my heart. When he lets go of me, I’m out of breath. We both pant as we stare at each other.

“I’ve been meaning to do that. I wanted to wait until we were home, but you came in here looking so beautiful, I couldn’t help it.” Drake holds my hand and plants a kiss on it.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

We eat breakfast as we watch CNN. “You’re twelve weeks today, right? What time is your appointment?” he inquires while his attention turns back to the television screen.

I still, slowly placing the food back on the plate. “About that… there’s… there’s no more baby, Drake. I lost it.”

Drake suddenly looks at me, confused. “What do you mean? When?” The shock comes first, then the pain surfaces on his face.

“Just after you came out of surgery the second time, I started to bleed.” I feel wretched for not telling him immediately, but there was so much going on, it was hard for me to do it.

“Are you okay? God, all this time… you’re smiling and making me laugh… when you were probably dying inside.”

I was.

Still am.

“I’m still reeling from it. Being with you makes me feel happy, though. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you, but it was hard to talk about it, still is.” I get choked up, but I push it down.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.” I shake my head, denying it. “I’m here, Babe. We’ll go through this together. I don’t want you to think that you’re all alone in this. I don’t ever want you to feel that way.”

I never did doubt it. “I know you’re here for me, Drake.”