Lingerie For Felons (15 page)

‘Need to “change the world”?' Emmy offered, rolling her eyes and doing the inverted commas sign with her fingers.

‘Yeah, I guess,' I agreed. ‘And Clark's having a go, in his own way, you know, at changing the world. And I'm not being much help. Whole politics thing kind of makes me sick. But who am I to judge either of them? I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing…'

Emmy looked like she was about to say something really serious, then the doorbell squawked and we both jumped. I could almost read the word written in her eyes: Wayne.

No, he wouldn't. He didn't even know where I lived.

Did he?

No, even Mom and Dad wouldn't encourage stalking, even from the man they both so clearly wanted to sleep with. Who the hell was it, then?

The bell squawked again. I went over and pressed the button.

‘Who is it?' I barked into the intercom.

‘Me,' came Vera's honey voice. ‘I'm back from Prague. And I heard about today. And Emmy's there, isn't she? Why wasn't I invited?' Vera's deep voice crackled through the intercom again. ‘Oh, and I've…er…picked up a straggler as well.'

Emmy and I both looked at each other. As much as Vera's men are usually great entertainment, neither of us were in the mood for one right now.

The intercom crackled again. ‘No, girls, it's not a man. What do you take me for?' A pause. ‘On second thoughts, don't answer that. Well, anyway, it's not strictly true, I guess. It is a man, just not one of mine.'

‘Vera,' I spat. ‘Stop being so cryptic. Who the hell is it?'

I heard the intake of breath that indicated she was about to answer when over the intercom came the unmistakable sound of my brother's voice singing ‘Moon River'. Now my brother is an excellent singer, part of his whole rock heritage. But he was singing badly with an authentic sob in his voice
.
What the hell was going on?

Emmy took over. ‘Vera.' She drummed her fingers on the wall next to the intercom. ‘Is that Luke? Is he there with you? Is he…drunk?'

‘Jesus Christ!' Vera exploded. She never profanes, so she must have been getting cranky. ‘It is nine in the evening. In December. In New York City. Just invite us in, would you? Surely we can have the Inquisition with the benefit of some central heating?'

I quickly buzzed them in and neither Emmy nor I spoke in the minute it took them to make it to the front door. As if joining the forces wasn't enough rebellion for Luke, he'd also gone and become a teetotaller. Normally, I'd be happy he'd fallen off the wagon, but...

One: it was pretty clear from the few short and maudlin bars of ‘Moon River' we'd been subjected to that, as well as being drunk, Luke was also really sad. And as much as I kind of hate my brother, I also love him enough to not want him to be sad.

Two: my heart just wasn't in it. This day. I've had the Wayne dramas, Clark's hideous parents, Emmy and her crazy Japanese game show, and now this.

Three: a part of me was asking why he was here. He came to me. Me, of all people. Why? He never does that.

Anyway, all that was buzzing through my head as Vera and Luke made their way up. I wasn't exactly sure what Emmy was thinking. If I know her as well as I think I do, she was probably hoping Luke hadn't fallen off the chocolate wagon too. I could almost see her doing calculations, trying to work out if there would still be enough if we had to share.

Vera and Luke came through the door like some old-fashioned comedy double. My mother's sister was wearing a gorgeous fuschia trench over fishnets and matching pink heels. When she took the coat off, we could see the main event — this silky, knee-length black and fuschia party dress that looked like it was made out of black pantyhose and pink moonbeams. Her dark hair was still all her own, not a shred of grey to detract from that pixie face. As usual, I was struck by disbelief that she was forty-eight. The only thing ruining her look was the drunk, uniformed Luke draped over her like an unattractive feature piece.

Emmy was vicious. ‘Ick, Vera. Drop him. He's ruining your dress.'

Vera did as she was told, casually sliding Luke's considerable weight onto the nearest beanbag.

‘Hello, my darlings', she started, enveloping Emmy and me in a hug that smelled like Issy Miyake and felt like heaven. ‘It's been too long.' She gestured to Luke. ‘I found him downstairs trying to work out how to use the intercom. Poor sweetheart.'

Luke stared fixedly, crooning ‘Oh dream makerrr, you heart breakerrr…'

‘Anyway,' she sighed, eyeing the food Emmy had brought over. Emmy had inherited a mortal fear of under-catering from our grandmother. ‘I do hope there's enough to go around and still feed the children of Ethiopia. It does look like we're settling in for a bit.'

None of us knew where to start. We weren't used to Luke being around, especially a drunk Luke.

Vera rubbed her hands together. ‘I suggest we eat first. I think it'll help him.'

Emmy sighed, relieved. ‘Good idea. I got Japanese.'

Of course she did.

Anyway, we were glad of it because it provided a neat segue for Emmy to fill Vera and Luke in on the game show gig in glorious detail. By the time we were polishing off the last of the katsu curry, and starting on some green stuff that was apparently dessert, Luke had stopped sniffling and started to look a little more alert.

Emmy pushed the gelatinous green stuff aside. ‘Screw that,' she declared. ‘If we're moving on to Lolly's story, I'm going to need real calories.'

She pushed her chair back and made for the chocolate. As she got up, she trailed her fingers across Luke's back and gave his buzz-cut a little ruffle. She even broke a piece of chocolate off for him when she sat back down. A small piece, but it still made me feel warm and safe and like I was exactly where I should be, with the right people, doing the right thing right now. For the first time all day, I felt my shoulders untangle.

Anyway, the chocolate was my cue to share about my day. And, despite the fact that Emmy had already heard it, it felt really good to lay it all out like some insane jigsaw puzzle. For the first time in living memory, no one from my family interrupted for at least twenty minutes. It was like the apartment was a bubble, and we'd been taken out of our lives and histories for a few moments. I talked and talked and talked.

When I finished, everyone was quiet for a moment. I played with a little piece of chocolate wrapper and looked around at the three faces watching me. Luke spoke first. ‘You know what?' His face was dark and intense. Three curious pairs of eyes swivelled to meet his serious brown ones. ‘I found the third best urinal in the world tonight.'

Luke hiccupped and Emmy was swift to the attack. ‘And that,' she hissed, ‘is why people don't invite you over. Because you are a genetically shallow fuck.'

But I was curious. ‘Hang on,' I said. ‘How do you know?'

‘Huh?' Luke tapped his head, like he was willing it to remember something.

‘How do you know it's the third best urinal?' I prompted him with my eyes. ‘You know, like... Is it verifiable?' Place order is one of my favourite mathematical playthings. ‘Where was it?'

Luke's eyes glazed and he made a thinking noise. ‘Oarrrgghh.' He tapped his head again and then clicked his fingers. Sort of. ‘Yep. Got it. Over at The Vibe.'

Three pairs of eyes once again turned on Luke.

‘Er, Luke,' Vera started. ‘Did you mean to say
The Vibe?'

Luke nodded, and looked at all of us without blinking. And this time I was sure he was sobering up. And he was still doing this. Still telling us.

‘Luke?' I looked at him with a question in my eyes. ‘Are you…?'

‘Yep,' he nodded.

‘Holy Mother of God,' Emmy breathed. ‘The original GI Joe is queer.'

We all sat still as the cogs of our brains tried to start working again. I'd always assumed Luke never had any girlfriends because he was such a no-fun Freddy.

Finally, Emmy spoke. ‘That is just the best news I have heard all day. Oh, Luke.' She actually reached over and hugged him. ‘Mom and Dad are going to be so happy.'

‘Yeah' I agreed, rolling my eyes. ‘Something they can finally be proud of. But, Luke, how long?'

Vera was studying him quietly. ‘Forever, I guess. Want to talk about it?'

Luke nodded. ‘I always knew, I guess. But not, you know. It was only a few years ago that I...' He suddenly became fixated with a piece of fluff on his trousers, until Emmy clicked her fingers in front of his face. ‘Huh?'

Emmy sighed loudly. ‘Oh, for fuck's sake, Luke, focus. You. Gayness.'

‘Oh right, yeah.' Luke looked up and his eyes seemed clearer. ‘Last couple of years I...dated some guys. Hard, of course. You know. “No gays in the military.”'

Emmy made a sputtering noise and spat wine all over the coffee table. Vera handed her a serviette. ‘Go on,' she said gently to Luke.

‘I was scared,' he said quietly. ‘And...' Luke stared up at the ceiling and I thought we'd lost him again. ‘And confused. And relieved. All at the same time.'

Oblivious to Luke's conflict, Emmy charged right on in. ‘Well, I guess you'll be leaving the marines then, yeah? They can stick their “don't ask, don't tell” crap right up their collective asses. No point staying around offering to give your life for a bunch of assholes who don't even like what you are, is there?'

But of course, nothing with Luke was that easy.

‘Lolly, Emmy,' he looked at us with big, brow, red-rimmed eyes, ‘I really don't know shit.' He hiccupped and I put a hand on Emmy's arm to stop her agreeing with him. ‘But over the last couple of years I've worked some things out.' He poked the coffee table viciously with his pointer finger. ‘The main thing...' He poked again a few times. ‘The main thing... The main thing.' He hiccupped and shook his head. ‘Where the fuck was I?'

‘The main thing,' Emmy snapped, looking like she wanted to reach across the table and strangle him.

‘Oh yeah,' Luke smiled, poking the table again. ‘The main thing is, you have to be true to yourself. To whatever your life means. That's why I'm here. To tell you. But it doesn't mean I'm leaving the marines. I'm gay, sure, but I'm also a soldier.'

‘Oh, come on,' Emmy countered. ‘You're not a soldier, baby. You're a soft-ass lawyer. It's really not that radical, Luke. There are a million gay lawyers in this town.'

‘I am a soldier.' Luke suddenly looked quite sober. ‘Being a marine is the best thing I've ever done. It's part of my meaning.'

‘Jesus,' Emmy breathed. ‘I think I liked GI Joe better than Son of Freud.'

‘Emmy,' I silenced her. ‘Stop it. I actually get it. At least Luke knows what he wants to do. He knows what he's here for. It's all a bit wrong, and not going to be easy, but it's a start. I wish I could work out my meaning. That's what I was starting on about before, you know, when the buzzer rang.'

Emmy snorted in disgust.

I turned on her. ‘It's all right for you, Emmy. You're a superstar. And you've always known what you were going to be when you grew up…and who you were. And it was all always going to work for you.'

‘What a load of crap,' she disagreed. ‘Life isn't about some divine calling. It's just about guesswork, and luck. And bullshit. And hoping you get it close enough to right. This is New York, not the Chapter of Revelations.'

Maybe she had a point. My head was spinning and I didn't know what was right. I turned to Vera. ‘What do you think, Aunty V? What's it all about?'

‘We-ell,' she said softly. ‘I think it's different for everyone. For me it's about beauty. And pleasure. And not hurting anyone else. And being with people I love.' Emmy giggled at this and Vera winked and added, ‘Even if I only love them for a little while.'

I huffed. I wished I could go look up a dictionary and find the answers under ‘A'.

Vera patted my hand. ‘Lolly, I'm a simple soul. I always have been. So of course my meaning's going to be pretty simple. The fact is, you're the farthest thing from simple God ever created. So it's going to be harder for you.' She hesitated a minute, then kept going. ‘You just need to keep feeling your way, exactly like you are. Keep turning from what feels wrong, and turning towards what feels good. Think of it as a game of “colder, warmer”. You know, like you guys used to play when you were kids? You'd say
colder
if you were far away from the thing you'd hidden, and
warmer
as you got closer. And
boiling
hot
when you were right there. If you follow that basic principle, you'll work it out eventually.'

Huh, I liked that.

I liked the idea of slowly working out how I could best use myself to make the world better, through some process of elimination. Some ‘colder, warmer' of the soul. I felt like Vera was giving me permission not to have a lightning bolt event, telling me what I was supposed to be doing. The whole concept was neat, precise. Methodical. It appealed to the mathematician in me.

But Vera wasn't finished there. ‘So I guess the first question you need to ask yourself is “what the hell feels so wrong about Wayne?”'

‘Yeah,' Luke chipped in. ‘And, while we're at it, what feels so right about Clark?'

Was I mistaken, or was GI Luke suddenly the gayest man in the universe? He had actually eaten his portion of chocolate, and started nibbling on Vera's. And now he was giving me relationship advice. Add him turning up drunk to the whole thing and I hardly recognized my brother.

‘Shut up, Liberace', I said.

‘No way, Spongina,' he countered.

Oh, yeah. Now I recognized him. That's where it all went wrong between us. That's what Luke had started calling me, way back in Junior High. After the whole Boycott Sanitary Pads thing, and those sea sponges. You know, Spongina. Rhymes with vagina. Kind of.