literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (11 page)

“Well, it’s a good thing you guys are over here. Some nutcase terrorist planted a bomb. One of the Furries noticed and started shouting that there was a bomb, and it helped get the area cleared out right away. I was told that his or her friends seemed to be clearing the place out and they left. Those people were really on top of things. A bomb squad just took the explosives out of there.”

“Wait! Really? So there was a
real
bomb after all?” Lindsey asked.

Brad looked at Lindsey for a minute while he digested what she was asking. “There was a bomb, yes. I don’t quite understand why you asked about it like that. Anyway, whoever those Furries are, they did the right thing.”

The paramedics loaded Burt and his busted penis into the ambulance. Moon joined him in the back. As I watched the doors shut, I remembered what I had written to rekindle their love life. Sure, it was a rush job, and Luna seemed to think there was a problem, but I didn’t recall writing anything that could have been taken to a literal extreme. I made a mental note to read it over when I got home. Hopefully it wasn’t my fault.

Our day in the park was over. If my goal was to make sure Hunter made it through his assignment without getting injured, then I suppose Operation Fast and Furriest was a success. I decided that I would be completely honest and focus on the positive aspects of the fallout when I discussed it with Hunter later on.

Chapter Fourteen

Bald Pussy Cat

Now, I don’t know of anyone that wants to have a conversation that is really more of a long-form apology. It’s especially true if you have no idea what sort of reaction has been bubbling up inside the other person. Here is what I’ve figured out so far about being in love: I think being in love makes you willing to talk it through and make things right, regardless of being embarrassed or afraid of looking like a complete fool. Being in love only works when both people are willing to talk it over. Sure, we’ve all heard people say that you have to be able to forgive each other. I think it goes beyond that. You have to be able to understand each other and really “get it” when your partner does something a little crazy. You know, like dress up in an animal costume with your friends, spy on them, and basically torpedo their career. And that’s on top of all the other unfortunate things you’ve accomplished—albeit with good intentions.

This whole “being in love” thing is exciting, but still uncharted waters for me. I hoped I was right about my patience and understanding because otherwise, our relationship will end up being nothing but a string of apologies sprinkled with wayward witchcraft.

“Hunter? Are you okay? You haven’t said hardly anything since we’ve been home.” I took a deep breath.
Do I just ask him if he’s mad at me?

“We’ve only been home for a few minutes, baby. I guess I’m just collecting my thoughts about today.” Hunter slouched down in the recliner. His furry orange cat suit was looking pretty tattered and his face looked tired.

“Good! That’s good! They always say, ‘think before you speak.’ I just want to say once again that I had a bad feeling about today and I just had to do something. I couldn’t bear it if anything—” 

“Shsh…it’s okay, Leigh, really. I’m not mad. Well, when we were in the park, I admit I was getting pretty upset. As it turned out, there really was a bomb. The intelligence about the criminals was completely wrong, so my assignment was useless anyway. In the end, you and your friends ended up saving a lot of people…even if it was by accident. And you did have a gut feeling that you needed to do something. One thing about being raised by hippies is that they are really big on that kind of thing. My mom always said that women have a natural sense of things. That I should always listen. I guess this proves it.”

“Whew! Am I glad! Here I thought you’d be mad about the stolen police radios or my witchcraft spell that made your sister and brother-in-law go off and screw like feral cats in a public park. Or maybe that you still have that shabby cat suit glued to your skin.”

“Wait. Those radios were stolen? Let me guess…Uncle Carmine again?” I nodded silently and Hunter shook his head, “Well, I’ll blame that on Kelly’s criminal mind. And I don’t even want to know about my sister’s sex life. If you two had a conversation about it, please, leave me out of it. I really don’t want to know any of the details.”

I was glad that Hunter didn’t want to discuss his sister’s sexcapades because it turns out my writing failed her and Burt. The typo Luna had warned me about was the cause. I had written that Burt would go after Moon like a primate. You could say he at least
dressed up
like a primate. Welcome to the world of Furries, Moon and Burt. I steered the conversation away from my apologetic tone. “Have you heard anything about who planted the bomb?”

“No. Nothing. Of course there has to be a pretty big investigation going on. I doubt much will be said publicly about it until they actually catch the people responsible.” Hunter paused and cocked his head like an animal that was trying to identify an odd sound. “Did you hear that?” He got up from the chair and prepared to investigate.

“Yeah, someone’s upstairs. I thought I heard laughter.” I listened some more. “Hello? Hello?” I called out.

“Just us witches. So where is the victim?” It was Esmeralda and Kelly at the top of the landing.

“You mean Hunter?”

“Sure. Hunter, victim, same thing,” Esmeralda said as she placed a hand on her hip and twirled the end of a stethoscope with her other hand.

I marveled at her choice of clothing. “Esmeralda, what’s up with the naughty nurse outfit?” She wore a naughty nurse outfit that was made
extra
naughty by the sight of her boobs squeezing out of a totally impractical tight white jacket. Below her bare tummy she wore an ultra-short white miniskirt. From my vantage point at the bottom of the stairs, it was difficult to say what, if anything, she wore underneath. “I hope that’s not to impress Hunter.”

“Why? Does he
need
some extra motivation?” Esmeralda asked sarcastically.

I gasped. “Hush! And Kelly, you didn’t waste any time changing costumes today.” Kelly was dressed in hospital scrubs.

“Don’t worry, Leigh. Hunter is safe. Esmeralda and I have plans tonight with Luke. Of course, if you’re up for it, you two are more than welcome to join us.”

“No, no, that’s okay. Thank you, though.” I wondered how Kelly could ask something like that without blushing. I was curious how Hunter reacted and I was relieved to see him busily itching away at himself. I don’t think he heard a word of it. “So…how about we get this cat suit off of him? Esmeralda, do you have a good spell ready to go?”

“I’m all set for him. Bring that boy up here.” Esmeralda turned around and from the sound of her spiked heels hitting the floor, she had gone into our bedroom. Reluctantly, I led Hunter upstairs. “Here, take this and rub it around the edge of the piece that is covering his face. As the glue releases, add more. Then the hood should slip off.” I followed Esmeralda’s advice and in a few minutes, Hunter’s head was finally uncovered. “Okay, good. Now get up here on the bed.” Esmeralda patted the mattress. “Lay back and just relax.” She went to a black leather bag, the kind you would expect to see a doctor in an old movie carrying. After a little digging, she produced a pair of large fabric shears.

“Are there any openings on this thing?” she asked.

“Yes, there is, but you have to be careful with those things.” I pulled the Velcro tabs to open Hunter’s cat suit fly.

Esmeralda pried the edge of the costume up around the fly. With a little effort she was able to work the shears under the fabric and make long cuts through it. “Hand me that gel, Leigh.” Esmeralda climbed onto the bed. I was shocked to see her knees on either side of Hunter’s legs. She took large handfuls of the goop and with slow deep reaches, she worked it in around the opening and under the material. I was just thinking that I didn’t appreciate Esmeralda’s sensual bedside manner when I saw it. Hunter was sporting a giant boner.

“Hunter! Stop that!” I huffed in his ear.

“It’s a completely involuntary reflex. I swear it! I can’t help it. It’s really just a reflex!” He gulped and panted.

“So is this!” I smacked the large bulge rising in his jockstrap with an open hand. It was a damn good slap, too. It had enough force to make him jump and make a nice loud smacking sound. “I just can’t help myself!” I snarked. Hunter yelped a little noise and bit his lip. I took the goop from Esmeralda. “Esmeralda, I think it would be better if I rubbed that stuff on him.”

“Suit yourself.” She switched places with me and winked at Hunter. I growled and picked up where she left off. “I don’t get it, Esmeralda. How is this magic?”

“It’s not a spell. It’s the goop. It magically removes glue, paint, almost anything. Handy to have around. Just get what you can. We should be able get this thing off of him soon,” Esmeralda explained.

I was finally able to get my hands deep under the material and I worked the slimy goo over Hunter’s stomach and sides. I didn’t mind his “involuntary reflex” one bit this time.

Esmeralda took some of the goo and used it to work the gloves off of Hunter’s hands. Very carefully she used the shears to open a seam down the sleeves. “Okay, that should be good. Hunter, I need you to reach your arms back and grab ahold of the headboard. Hold on as tight as you can.”

Hunter’s slimy hands couldn’t get a grip on the brass pipes of our headboard.

The bedroom was hot from the extra heat being kicked out by the now overactive furnace. Kelly wiped her forehead and huffed, “Oh my God. It is so hot in here. Good thing I don’t have any balls. They would have sweated off by now. I’m going to open this window.” She opened the window and stuck her head out into the cool air for a few minutes. “Hello.” She said to someone out on the street. Before she returned to the bed, she opened Esmeralda’s doctor’s bag and took out two pairs of handcuffs. “Here, let’s just cuff him to the headboard. He won’t be able to hang on with those slimy hands.”

“You guys are prepared for all sorts of fun. Aren’t you?” I laughed. “All right, let’s cuff this bad cat, Kelly.” We quickly cuffed him to the headboard according to Kelly’s plan.

“Now, each of you grab a sleeve and I’ll take the center. We’ll peel this bitch right off of him,” Esmeralda directed. We took our positions and handfuls of material. “One, two, three, pull!” With our combined effort, we began to peel the suit down. It became more difficult when it came to Hunter’s chest. “Harder! Come on!” Kelly urged.

“Arrr! Oh man! You’re gonna’ rip my nipples off! Stop it! Christ!” Hunter yelled.

“No! Don’t stop. It’s coming now! Harder! Harder!” Esmeralda countered.

Suddenly the rest of the cat suit pulled away from Hunter’s body with a sickening sound. It sounded like someone was peeling jumbo sized duct tape off of a roll. His body was sliding down the bed and the handcuffs strained at the headboard. Hunter howled with pain, “You witches! These handcuffs are breaking my wrists. You’re skinning me alive.”

“You know how hard it is to get a grip on this slimy skin? I’m not stopping now!” Esmeralda snarled.

I heard voices—the voices of women on the street below. And it seemed that one of those voices was oddly familiar. “Come on! It’s almost there!” Kelly roared. Then the goo laden suit rolled down over Hunter’s legs and we all fell backwards. The suit was flung from our hands behind us, right out of the open window. We all heard it. A splattering sound resounded on the quiet street. In less than a few seconds the screams began.

I looked out of the window and saw three women, the same ones Kelly had seen and I had heard. I pulled my head back in and told my friends who I saw outside. “Aw dammit! It’s that same wench that came over last night to bitch about something I said to her daughter. And she’s brought along reinforcements.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about her. Didn’t she accuse you of being a witch and running a crazed cult out of this house? She was babbling like a fool when she hauled ass out of here.” Kelly walked over to the window and we could already hear the women yelling and speculating on what we were doing. Kelly told Esmeralda what was happening outside. “There are three of them. The tall brunette that came by, a stout little one, and one with a tall blonde-do. How does she get it to stay up like that? It’s unnatural.”

I could hear the voice of my unwelcoming neighbor on the street below. “Did you hear them? Did you? They were torturing some man in there. I heard him screaming about getting skinned alive while being handcuffed to something. And what do ya’ know? A wet gooey pile of skin comes flyin’ right out the window and into the street. I saw what they did in there last night! They
changed
someone into a giant cat last night. Changed!
Then
they pulled Satan’s own demon spawn from the cat’s belly. It was black and had a long tail. It looked like it even had two pointy little horns on its head. And glowing yellow eyes. I swear it had glowing yellow eyes!”

“Sweet baby Jesus, save us all, it was the Antichrist!” One woman screeched.

“They’re devil worshippers or worse,” said the third woman. “And they are delivering Satan’s babies here in Lincoln Park for God’s sake.”

“It’s not happening on my neighborhood watch! You can bet your sweet asses on that. I’ve lived here all my life and we’ve fended off the hippies, the gangs, and even those goddamned skateboard punks. I sure as hell am not letting some screwy witchcraft cult get their claws on my neighborhood.”

This was bad. It sounded like the neighborhood watch was already handing out the torches and pitchforks. “I should meet with them.” Kelly looked at me like I had just grown a tail. “No, seriously, Kelly! This is only going to get worse. They need to know that Hunter and I are just your average, everyday American couple.”

Esmeralda pursed her lips and gave me a sharp look. “Look around you, honey cakes. Your boyfriend is handcuffed to your bed so three witches could peel a cat suit off his freaky ass. A cat suit that, by the way, was magically glued onto him by yet another witch during a drunken spell casting party. You can go ahead and just tell your neighbors that. I’m sure they’ll be completely understanding. Then you can invite them in for tea and a séance. Just like the rest of the ‘All American’ couples do.”