literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (7 page)

“Well, please don’t get any kinky ideas. I’m always open to experimenting with something new, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I’ll cuddle your big furry body, though.” Indeed, I cuddled him and we drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Nine

Split Personality

At some point during the night, I woke up to a cold chill on my ears. “The window! We’re going to get pneumonia or something,” I mumbled, leaving my cozy little spot next to Hunter. I shivered in the chilly breeze and quietly shut the window. Luna surprised me when she walked into the room before I had returned to bed. “Where have you been all night? Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything.”

“Meeoww.” Luna turned around as if she was going to leave again, but stopped in the doorway.

“What is it? You want to me to go with you? Is it Lindsey? I don’t think we gave her a blanket or anything. Is that it?”

Luna slowly padded away through the door. I followed her fuzzy little tail, entering the hallway. Suddenly everything changed. When I say everything, I mean it was as if I had stepped through a portal that took me into a place straight from a renaissance painting of an alchemist’s lair. “My feet are freezing, Luna.” I looked down at the floor and saw my bare feet on a floor paved with large square stone tiles that were smoothed by centuries of wear. Amazingly, my fuzzy pink pajamas pants and old college sweater had been replaced by a white cotton gown. “What’s happening? This is a dream, right, Luna? Where are you taking me? What are you up to?”

“Meow.” She jumped up on a table that was nearly covered with bowls made from wood and brass. Various glass bottles in peculiar shapes were everywhere. Some of them held murky liquids while others were filled with bright translucent blue and gold fluids. She called out again, “Meow.”

“All right, Luna. I’m completely freaked out now. This is
way
too damn real. Time to wake up!” Luna leapt from the table to a shelf and then onto a chair. Her tail provided an accompanying soundtrack of clinks and clunks as it swept between the clutter of ancient glass and metal. I sensed a presence. You know that unsettling feeling. That suspicion that rattles your nerves when you are absolutely convinced someone is in the same room and watching you from some hidden place. “Hello? Hall-ooo? Hola? Bonjour? Hmm maybe this…Guten Tag! How about this one? Shalom! Shalom!” I waited but there was no response. “Is anyone here?” I heard more small noises created by Luna. “I must be imagining things, Luna. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe Merlin the Magician to come strolling out.” A nervous laugh escaped me. “It’s just a dream after all. No need to be afraid. Just a silly dream. Maybe…”

I saw something—a thing so familiar yet unexpected that it shocked me. “What is that doing here?” My body suddenly became immobilized and my voice silenced. My frozen words trailed off into the stillness of the dusky, candlelit alchemist’s laboratory. It was my desk, positioned in the far shadowy corner of the room. Luna returned from exploring, looked at me, and then hopped away behind a virtual wall of shelving loaded with archaic laboratory equipment, worn leather bound books, and discolored parchment scrolls. “Where are you going now?” I was filled with apprehension. My shaky voice must have given away my trepidation when I asked, “Is there someone back there?”

“Hello, Leigh. Don’t be frightened,” a voice called out from the murky place beyond the disorderly collection of old glassware. It was a man’s voice and not creepy at all. On the contrary, it seemed comfortingly familiar to me. I can only describe it as a type of New York City accent. This was an accent that I’d heard from a number of my parents’ New York friends.

I replied to the unseen person. “See! I knew it! There
was
someone in here. Would you please come out where I can see you?”

Shuffling noises slowly inched out from the area where Luna had run to. He appeared from behind the row of shelving—an old man, dressed in long robes of purple and blue that had a random pattern of peculiar gold colored runic symbols. The robes looked older than he did, and that’s saying something. They were frayed and faded. His long, unkempt, white hair flowed over his shoulders and his equally white beard tumbled halfway down his chest. The old man wore a dark purple hat, not unlike a witch’s hat. Only, it was not as well cared for as any of the ones I had seen at the Witches Halloween Gala. And he had Luna lovingly cradled in his arms. What a little disloyal slut she was turning out to be.

“Well, well. Leigh Epstein.” The man made a little nod. “I am very pleased to meet you. I wonder…yes, I wonder if you could guess my name.”

“It’s my dream, so I’ll call you…Merlin. I mean, you’re every bit of the familiar looking old wizard trope that one would find in countless movies, books, resin figurines, and incense burners. I couldn’t imagine you any other way. I suppose my subconscious even gave you a distinct accent that was disarming to me.”

“Ach, you’re not even close. Merlin? You think
I’m
that limp putz? Let me tell you something. That guy is a schlemiel. He’s no wizard. A King’s fool! That’s what he is.” The wizard spit on the floor. “He gave up alchemy school to become a clown. He finally found something he’s good at.”

“Well, you sound an awful lot like old Rabbi Majikowski. Or maybe Mel Brooks. It’s my damn dream anyway. I should be able to call you whatever I want.”

“Dreams…what are dreams? Have you ever thought that a dream is like taking a skinny dip into another reality?”

“Skinny dipping?”

“Sure. It might be fun and exciting, but you don’t want to stay in too long. Take a good look around. You’re in this place.” He turned from side to side and waved his one free hand to show me the room. “You can feel it. You can pick up things. You can even smell things. See this cat? You call her Luna, but she is so much more than your pet. You see, cats are the only creatures that can lead us to the portals across time and space. They are also a like a living safety deposit box for the spirits of witches and wizards in between.”

“In between? In between what? Slightly crazy and bat-shit insane?”

“In between physical bodies. Between lives. Some of us choose to hide that way, sometimes we can be captured and put into a cat.”

“Like a genie stuck in an old lamp?”

“Yes! A four legged, furry, condescending, and pigheaded genie’s lamp. And by the way, my name is Cosmos.”

“Just like the name in my story! Okay. Well, thank you, Mr. Wizard. Uh, I mean Cosmos. I’m just going to take my cat and hop out of this surreal swimming hole of yours. I better get back to my own crazy reality. My guess is that I left the window open and now I’m lying in bed as sick as a dog. Probably burning up with a fever. I bet it’s making me dream some really weird shit, but I’ll keep you in mind whenever I get around to seeing a therapist. I’m sure this whole visit will be good for a few sessions.”

“It’s not quite that easy to just turn back now, Leigh. Besides, you probably have a lot of questions. I know you want to stay a while.”

“No. Not really. I’d like to just leave. Thank you.”

Without uttering a single word in response, Cosmos walked over to the desk—
my
damn desk. Luna nimbly hopped out of his arms and sat perfectly still, as if she knew exactly what was expected of her. Cosmos carefully searched through the glass vials, bottles, and beakers that were precariously perched on a makeshift shelf that was no more than an old board mounted to the wall. He picked out selections, one at a time. He held each one to a candle, mumbled to himself, and put them back. Finally, he discovered the one he was looking for. “Ah! Here it is!
This
is the one we need.”

Something bothered me. Luna looked so content and she sat so still. Seeing the old wizard holding an unlabeled glass bottle full of gunk reminded me of something very sinister that my friends had been discussing.

I remembered. “Schrödinger’s cat! Again? It’s like this very unclear thing I’m supposed to understand, but I really don’t get it. Yet, here we go again. Schrödinger’s fucking cat.”

“What? Who is this Schrödinger? Merlin’s lost twin?”

“Don’t you even
think
about poisoning my cat in some cruel, hair brained experiment! I will kick your old fake Dumbledore ass right into a whole new reality.”

“Whatever. Now just see what happens.” He poured just a bit, no more than a teaspoonful, into the open palm of his hand. Luna eagerly lapped it up like it was melted ice cream.

“Hey! Goddamn it!” I shouted at Cosmos and rushed to rescue Luna. Just before I reached her, there was a burst of electricity arcing through the room. It created the same kind of mist that I saw whenever any of the witches used their magic. The bright flash terrified Luna and she literally pounced on my chest. “What the hell just happened?”

“Woo! Thank God! That’s more like it!” A young woman in a purple robe stood next to Cosmos. Her huge exuberant smile shined out nothing less than pure joy. She was about my age, short, curvy, and had a full head of dark hair. The long loose natural curls framed her cute round face. “Cosmos! Baby! Come here and give me some sugar.” The woman nearly tackled the old wizard. She flipped his gray beard and then ran her fingers through Cosmos’ long wild strands of hair. “When did you get so old, Cosmos?”

“Don’t worry, we can go right back in time to where we left off. It’s just that it’s taken me fifty years to find the correct potion that would pull you out of your latest cat. So I’m old, for now. So what. I’ll fix it when we’re done here. Did you know that in those fifty years your spirit had transmigrated through eight different cats? Eight! When you were first put into cat form with that spell I bought, I didn’t realize it would even last this long. Talk about getting your money’s worth.”

I was seriously thinking this dream could keep a therapist busy for years. “Wha-who…? Seriously, this is just nuts. Who are you?”

“I’m Sybil! I thought you would have guessed, Leigh.”

“Did you just come out of my cat?”

“Yes, and let me tell you, I’ve been waiting for a long time to be out of there. Luna is loaded with more angst filled personalities than an all-girl high school. That cat! Oy!”

I looked at Luna curled against me and I stroked the little spot between her ears. “Don’t listen to her, Luna. She isn’t even real. I’m sure she represents something that’ll pay for my therapist’s new hot tub. Pfft, Sybil. Just like that classic movie about the yutz with multiple personalities.”

“Oh, I’m the real thing, Leigh. Don’t worry about Luna. Multiple Personality Disorder is just one of a cat’s defining traits. I have to say, she kept me pretty well suppressed in there. It was like sharing a padded cell with the criminally insane! Well, that is until you fell in love with that hunk of yours. Yuuuu-mmm-eee! I was hoping for us to get in on some of that. Luna kept me so buried in her subconscious that I had no idea what was going on. Not until she started fantasizing.”

“Whoa ho ho! Hold on there. What the hell do you mean by that? ‘Get in on some of that?’ ‘Fantasizing?’ ”

“Oh come on. It’s okay to admit it. You’ve been letting your little four legged voyeur hang with you when you are fucking.
Then
you take your kink up a few notches when you dress your man up like a big old tomcat. Grrrr. Oh baby! When I saw that…wow! I just
knew
you were working a new MFF romance story.”

“MFF? You mean…”

“Yeah, MFF. Male, female, feline. I’ve been hoping for a whole new series about a dominatrix cat that invites couples over for some special training. How about calling it Puss in Boots, or A Cat Called Strap, or Pussy Whipped?”

“Ah yeah…how about no. Thanks for your input, but there will be no weird catminatrix, dogminatrix, or any other goofy beasty related bondage titles coming from this writer. I learned my lesson with Bound to Forget. Can we just cut to the chase? I don’t think I’m getting any quality sleep with this crazy dream in my head. What is it that you two want from me? You’re no longer Luna’s cat-tive, Sybil. So, is there anything else? Otherwise, Luna and I are out of here.” Cosmos had his hands all over Sybil, and I wasn’t sure if he was even paying attention until he finally realized I was talking to him. “Cosmos? Last chance.”

Cosmos’ face took on a very somber countenance. “Yes, Leigh. There is one more thing and it’s quite serious, I’m sorry to say. You see, there is a very dark force, a man from long before your time. His name, I cannot tell you, but it is he who seeks to destroy the very essence of humanity and common sense. He seeks to create a world where only apathy is acceptable.” Cosmos ran the back of his index finger across Sybil’s cheek and lightly lifted the hair from her supple neck. It was pretty obvious that Cosmos had a serious thing for Sybil. The age difference would have been way too much for me. “Delicious looking. Wouldn’t you say so, Leigh?”

“She is very pretty, if that’s what you mean. Yes. Now can you just stay on the topic, Cosmos? Evil man hell-bent on destroying society and all?”

“Okay, okay. This man, the one I that I cannot tell you his name, he has already found a way to bewitch something that nobody would suspect.”

“Yeah, well, he’s way behind on that game, Cosmos. It’s already been created. We call it ‘reality TV.’ ”

Sybil was equally concerned. “No, Leigh. I think he means that it’s probably a thing that you see every day so you would never suspect it as something unusual or dangerous. But it will be bad. Like a giant magnet, this cursed thing will draw out people’s last bit of joy and hope that hasn’t already been destroyed by reality TV. At least this is our current theory. We’ll be investigating more and for now, you need to be wary. You are a target.”

“First, is there some sort of wizard law that forbids you from telling me this guy’s name? Or do we have to keep referring to him as ‘the one that I cannot tell you his name’?” I asked in a mocking tone. “Because I’ve heard that whole spiel before.”

“Oh, no, it’s just because I’m old and I forgot what the hell his name was.” Cosmos shrugged his shoulders.