Little Bird (15 page)

‘Mate, the last thing she wants is me.'

It had been raining. Streetlights reflected in the black pools. The whole road shone like it was made out of water. Like it was a river I could walk into, and it would swallow me beneath its oily surface and then carry me far away downstream, dump me into a swirling, poisonous ocean. Funny, I hadn't even heard the rain.

Ed put his arm around me and rubbed my shoulder, though I stood still as a statue. ‘What do
you
want to do, Ruby-lee?'

Ed was still being nice. Why was he being so nice? When I was so awful? Colette was right. If I'd been a real friend to her, I'd never have let Spence inside, not tonight, and not all those weeks ago. And now I was being punished. I'd lost Maisy. Grief swept over me.

‘Ed's right,' I said to Spence. Then I said to Ed. ‘We can't leave Colette on her own with Maisy. I'll meet you in the car in a minute, okay?'

Ed frowned. ‘Are you sure you're going to be all right?' he asked me. I nodded. I heard his heavy footfall on the steps.

‘Don't glare at me like that, Ruby-lee,' Spence said, when Ed was gone. ‘I'm not the person you think I am.'

‘Selfish? Scared of confrontation? Always looking for the easy way out?'

‘Okay. Maybe I am the person you think I am.'

‘It doesn't matter what I think.'

‘Why don't you go in? She might respond more calmly woman to woman.'

My stomach flipped when he called me a woman. ‘I don't think so. I'm no one. You're Maisy's father.'

‘Only by a small technicality. Maybe she's better off without me.'

‘Trust me, she's not. And being a father isn't a technicality. How can you not love her? How can you not want to be a part of her life?'

‘Damn you and your eyes. You can't just
look
at me and expect me to change.' I kept looking at him. He put his hand on my arm. ‘Hey, you're
freezing
. And Ed's waiting. Go and get in the car. Go home.'

‘I can't feel anything,' I said.

‘She'll change her mind. She'll let you see Maisy again.'

‘Why? She has no reason to.' Suddenly I understood what Mum had been protecting me from. I even understood how Annette felt, what had made her crazy. I had no rights, no say over this baby. If Colette didn't want me in Maisy's life, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

‘So you're going in?' I asked. His hand was still on my arm. I had a flash of myself from the mirror before, and suddenly I knew, perhaps for the first time, that the mirror girl was the Ruby-lee that Spence was seeing now.

‘You're just a kid, Ruby-lee,' Spence murmured, as if to remind himself.

‘I know.'

‘I underestimated you.'

‘I know.' He thought he could use me. He thought I would be pliable and permissive. He didn't expect me to change him. We'd both been taken by surprise.

Our eyes were still locked. For the briefest moment I was sure he was going to kiss me. And suddenly I knew I didn't want him to. I mean I did – of course I did. But I knew, if he kissed me, everything would change. My whole life would become
this
. I'd already lost Maisy. The cost of having Spence was too high. I gently pulled my arm away from his hand, and the moment was gone. I wasn't even sure if it had been real.

Halfway down the steps I stopped and leaned against the cold brick wall. I heard Spence tap on the door. And, a full minute later, I heard Colette open it and let him in. My heart cracked open, and the cold wind swept in.

17

On Monday morning I was tempted to wriggle deep into my doona and stay in bed for the rest of my life. No one had been home when Ed had dropped me off last night. I'd shivered all the way in the car, even though I was wrapped in his jumper. When he'd pulled into our driveway he'd turned to say something to me and I'd burst into tears. This time I didn't run away though. I'd sobbed all over Ed while he'd held me. I think he wasn't sure if I was crying about Maisy or Spence – to be honest, I wasn't sure either. But eventually Ed had walked me to the front door. I tried to return his jumper. ‘Keep it,' he said. I'd crawled straight into bed with it still wrapped around me, trying to get warm. I'd lain awake for ages, shuddering, listening to the emptiness of the house, feeling hollow and achey with grief.

When I got up Shandra's door was wide open, and her bed was empty. I wondered if she'd headed out for an early morning jog, something she used to do every morning back when she was still getting married.

I was at the bus stop so early, I ended up catching a bus all the way into the city and then changing there for Derwent College, which added an hour to my journey, but at least I didn't have to face Tegan. I watched the grey streets, the grey river, rolling past. Everything looked flat, two dimensional, as if it had been sketched in pencil, as if there was no colour or depth to the world.

Towards the end of Indonesian, the school principal, Mr Pearce, interrupted our class.

‘Sorry for the interruption, Trish,' he said. ‘I need Ruby-lee King to come with me.'

My face burned as the whole class swivelled to look at me. I packed my books, handed Trish my essay and followed Mr Pearce up the hall and across the quadrangle to the administration building.

‘Ruby-lee, we haven't met personally, have we?'

I shook my head.

‘College life can be daunting for our new Year 11 students. It can be a bit alienating after the relative comfort and familiarity of four years at high school. I'm sure you know, though, that there are a number of staff members you can go to if you ever need any extra assistance.'

‘Yes, Mr Pearce.'

My heart thudded in my chest, even though I had no idea what this was about. Mr Pearce led me into a small meeting room, where a neat, well-groomed woman was already seated at a table. I recognised her as Delia, the school social worker who had organised the careers session.

She stood as I entered the room.

‘Hello, Ruby-lee.' She smiled hopefully. ‘We met last week, didn't we? At the careers session?'

I nodded.

‘Great. It's nice to see you again. Are we waiting for anyone else?' she asked Mr Pearce.

He shook his head. ‘This is a relaxed preliminary chat, to get Ruby-lee's side of the story.'

I flinched at the word preliminary. And nothing about this meeting seemed relaxed.

‘Ruby-lee, a note has come into our possession. It raises a matter we take very seriously. Do you know what I'm talking about?'

‘No,' I whispered.

‘Ruby-lee, nobody's blaming you for anything,' Delia said.

‘Blaming me for what?' I croaked. My mouth was dry.

Mr Pearce handed me a crumpled piece of paper. It was the note Tegan had given me. I cringed with embarrassment. How many people had read this?

‘It was found in the toilets by a couple of girls who were concerned about you. They said you were very upset,' Delia said.

‘Can you confirm that the ‘Spence' in this letter is Michael Spencer, the music teacher?' Mr Pearce asked. And then, before I could lie, ‘We've already spoken to Tegan.'

‘We understand you've been spending time with Michael Spencer outside of school hours,' Delia said.

‘I've been babysitting his daughter. We haven't done anything wrong.'

‘His daughter? You mean Colette Kane's child?' Mr Pearce said, with obvious distaste. It was clear he didn't approve of Spence and Colette. I wasn't sure what he thought of me.

Delia broke in. ‘Ruby-lee, as teachers we take on a duty of care. It's a duty we can no longer uphold if we become inappropriately involved in the students' personal lives, particularly if that involvement is romantic or sexual in nature.' She said sexual with a strange emphasis, giving it a third syllable.
Sekss-you-all
. ‘Do you understand?'

I felt like a cornered cat. ‘No. I'm not sure I do. You're saying you have a duty of care, but you aren't supposed to get involved in our lives? Do you care or don't you?'

Mr Pearce sighed. ‘Ruby-lee, this attitude isn't going to help you, or Mr Spencer.'

‘Am I in trouble?' I asked.

‘No-o,' Delia said, slowly. ‘But we would appreciate your co-operation.'

My throat was so constricted, I could barely squeeze out the words. ‘Nothing happened between me and Spence,' I told them. ‘There was no
inappropriate
involvement.' Mr Pearce's shoulders relaxed. ‘Can I leave now?'

Delia said, ‘Are you sure, Ruby-lee? Tegan seemed quite worried about your well-being.'

I bet she was.

‘The school will protect you if you want to make an official report.'

I took a breath and said evenly, ‘There's nothing to report. Spence is Maisy's father. That's all.'

I thought nothing could feel worse than losing Maisy. But as I left the office, I was sure everyone was looking at me, whispering behind my back. Somewhere Tegan would be eagerly spreading the story. So would those ‘concerned' girls from the toilets who couldn't mind their own business. All I wanted was to disappear again, back into obscurity. Last night I'd had the distinct impression that I was giving Spence up, that I was actually choosing a life without him. But maybe we don't get to choose our lives. Maybe everybody else does the choosing for us, like that mother in the song who wouldn't let her son have wings.

Well, I was making a choice now. I headed for the front door.

I almost didn't make it. Ms Betts sprung me on her way to our English class. I was hammering along in the opposite direction.

‘Not gracing us with your presence today, Miss King?' she asked.

‘I don't feel well,' I muttered. ‘I'm going home.'

‘I don't suppose you have your overdue assignments on you? Your creative response to love, and your essay on
Romeo and Juliet
? Your haiku?'

Haiku? There was a haiku?

I shook my head.

‘Ruby-lee, you are going to fail English.' I was amazed at how angry she sounded. ‘I don't understand. Why are girls like you so intent on oppressing yourselves? You're capable of so much more.' Her voice softened and she pressed her hand on my arm. ‘Come to class,' she said. ‘Come to class and we'll work out a schedule for you. Nobody wants you to fail.'

But it was too late. I pulled away from her and ran the length of the hallway and out the front door of the school, with Ms Betts calling after me.

When I reached the highway I turned towards the city. I didn't know where I was going. I
had
nowhere to go. I stormed blindly along the grassy verge. It wasn't exactly safe, but I was beyond caring. In fact being hit by a car might be a good solution.

A dirty white sedan swerved, its horn blaring, and I turned towards it. It parked on the edge of the highway, just behind me.

I walked backwards, two fingers up, shouting a long stream of swear words. Normally I'd be petrified, but I was almost hoping that someone would jump out and pick a fight with me. I wanted to slam my fist into something hard, like a car door, or a jawbone.

The passenger door flew open. ‘Get in the car, you moron.'

It was Shandra.

18

As I slipped sheepishly into the back seat, all my bravado disappeared. I was stupidly relieved to see her. I leaned forward.

‘Hello, Damien,' I said. ‘Long time no see.'

‘G'day, Ruby-lee.' He waited until I had my seatbelt on and swerved back out onto the highway.

Shandra turned and smiled at me, as if she couldn't help herself. She looked thin and exhausted, but happy. ‘Nice mouth you've got there,' she said. ‘Damien, sweetie, can you drop us at Easties?'

‘Why are we going there?' I asked. Though why not? It was as good a place as any to wag school. There'd be hordes of us there, bludging English and maths and bio and chem, eating doughnuts, shoplifting CDs.

‘I need to do a bit of shopping. And we can get a coffee and catch up.'

Damien took the next turn off, and in a few minutes we were at the large shopping centre.

‘Don't give her a hard time,' Damien said, as Shandra kissed him goodbye. ‘She's just a kid.'

‘Did you talk to Colette?' I asked, when Damien had driven away.

‘No, not for ages.' Shandra looked at me. ‘Oh lord, why? What did you do?'

‘Nothing,' I squeaked. ‘What did Damien mean then? About not giving me a hard time.'

‘Don't worry,' Shandra smiled angelically. ‘I've forgiven you.'

‘What for?'

‘Didn't anyone tell you?'

‘No! Nobody told me anything.' My voice carried plaintively across the carpark.

‘Strewth. Well, there's no point forgiving you if you don't know what you've done. Come on,' Shandra said. She led me into the shopping centre, and we plonked down at the first table we saw. She bought me a coffee and a caramel slice – I was starving, I hadn't eaten breafast and I'd skipped dinner the night before.