Little Rainbows (21 page)

“Don’t even go there, Jason.” Her voice was harsh. “Don’t you dare take my words and use them to prove you were right.”

How could she possibly know what he’d been thinking? He wanted to ask, but Heather continued before he could.

“What now?”

He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He’d only wanted to tell her how sorry he was, explain himself. He’d spent most of the evening trying not to think about what he hoped would happen after he’d said everything he should have told her hours, if not days, before.

“Will you come back, Heather?” He hesitated. “Could we…? I want to fall asleep together and start the next day the way we should have started this morning—with you in my arms.”

He listened to the silence, and watched the beautiful woman on his screen, so close and yet so far away. The woman he wanted and might have scared off for good. Her gaze flicked to his eyes before lowering. She appeared to be staring at something in her lap, something that made her smile. When her eyes met his again, something had changed. She looked straight at him and he saw something in her gaze he hadn’t dared hope for. When she lowered her gaze again, his heart sang.

“I’d like that.”

He could have sworn he heard surprise in her voice as well as gratitude.

“But, Jason. We need to do more talking.”

He nodded, too happy to trust his voice right now.

“We’re both insecure. We need to tell each other what we feel because I can’t go through this again. I’m not strong enough.”

She whispered those last words, her eyes on her lap again.

“Look at me.”

He was shocked to hear the authority in his voice. He hadn’t meant to put it there, but she reacted immediately.

“We’ll talk for as long as it takes, and then we’ll talk some more. We’ll never stop communicating.” He hesitated. Should he say this? Of course he should. He’d just promised her he’d be honest. “I would love to promise I’ll never do anything to hurt you in the future, but I can’t. I can and do promise to tell you if I ever doubt you or me again.” In for a penny… He had to say it all. “I know this is new. I know we jumped too far too fast. I’ve no idea how far we can take this. But I want to find out, with you, together.” He wasn’t going to demand this. He made his voice soft, allowing all his need to surface. “Please come back before next week. Come back for me, not for the party.”

That was it. He’d put his heart and soul on the table. All he could do was wait. No pressure. If she came back it would have to be her choice. The silence lengthened. Her gaze was fixed on her lap again. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, if she even believed him. He wanted to talk, to try to convince her. He needed this uncertainty to end and knew he didn’t have the right. This was the price he had to pay for his idiocy. But please, God, please he needed to hear her answer. He’d never forgive himself.

“Okay.”

“What?”

Her smile was wide and bright. “Okay, I’ll come back. I’ll drive up tomorrow.”

With a sigh he let out the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Really?”

The expression on her face reflected the relief and hope he felt.

“Absolutely.”

Chapter Nineteen

The difference five days could make amazed her. Heather looked at the gates, the drive with the beautiful mansion at its end, the ocean off in the distance and felt none of the apprehension she’d encountered the first time she had stood here. Everything looked the same, up to and including the little rainbows lighting up the air above the Atlantic, and yet everything had changed. She wasn’t the same. Today she didn’t hesitate, didn’t even get out of her car. She pressed the button and waited. The gates opened immediately. She was expected and she was welcomed.

The change was subtle yet huge. She was nervous today, just as she’d been the first time, but the feelings didn’t compare. Today she felt anticipation rather than worry. There was no doubt she wanted to be here. She wasn’t second-guessing her decision to come. These nerves felt like bright butterflies partying in her stomach and increased as the distance between her and the parking area decreased. In a few minutes she’d see Jason again. Jason who’d asked her to come back, who’d opened up to her, apologized and wanted her here, with him. Heather thought she should try and get the silly grin off her face but it might as well have been painted on.

She got out of her car and nearly floated up the steps and through the doorway until she found herself face-to-face with…Karl. The grin slowly faded as worry tried to replace the butterflies in her belly. She’d been so sure Jason would be waiting for her, ready to scoop her up into his arms.

“Hi ya, Karl.”

“Heather, it’s good to have you back.”

“It is?” She couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wasn’t going to ask Karl why Jason wasn’t here. She looked around at the guests walking through the lobby.

“If you leave me your keys I’ll have someone take care of your luggage.”

As Karl handed her keys to a rather beautiful young man, Heather glanced around again.
Where are you, Jason? Why are you doing this to me?
Questions came and went unanswered. Flashes of their conversation the night before ran through her mind. Had she misinterpreted everything? She was certain she hadn’t. She knew Jason wanted her here as much as she wanted to be here. And yet, he hadn’t come to welcome her back. She shook herself, disgusted at her own insecurity. She knew better. It wasn’t as if he had the time to spend a day in the lobby waiting for her.

Karl’s eyes on her were kind and understanding. “Just follow me, if you don’t mind.”

“Karl, where’s…?” Again she stopped herself from asking the question. “Never mind. I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.”

She followed the big man down the hallway, past the bar, the restaurant and the ballroom. The entrance to the play areas came and went in a blur and still she had no idea where they might be going.

He stopped at the patio doors. “Do you remember the way to the pergola?”

She thought for a moment. It had been dark the one and only time she’d been there. She glanced around the large gardens and nodded. “I think so.”

“Good. I’ll let you get on with it then.” His smile was filled with warmth and encouragement. “Have a nice evening, Heather.”

God
, she hoped the evening would be nice. So far her return had been rather disappointing. She’d been so sure Jason would be the first person she’d see, that he would be as eager to reconnect and make sure everything they had said last night still held true, as she was.

As she made her way down the twisting path, she admired the gardens again. Whoever had designed them was a genius because they didn’t look planned at all. She imagined a giant standing in the middle of the grounds, tossing seeds into the air, allowing them to land wherever they wanted. There appeared to be no rhyme or reason to the combinations of flowers and plants, but the end result took her breath away.

She rounded a corner and faced the entrance to the pergola. It was as beautiful as it had been the first time she’d seen it. She glanced into the little house completely built from flowers and saw the small table, the ice bucket, two glasses and… “Jason.”

A huge smile lit up his face. “Heather, beautiful, you’re back.”

She couldn’t bring herself to take the last few steps.
God he’s gorgeous
.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

She’d been staring and wasn’t sure for how long. “I’m fine. It’s just that I expected to see you when I arrived.” She felt silly now. She’d been worrying while he’d gone out of his way to create this romantic welcome back surprise for her. “Don’t mind me.” She was tempted to leave it there, but they had promised to be honest with each other. “I guess I’m more insecure than I thought I was.”

She grimaced as Jason groaned.

“Shit. I got it wrong again, didn’t I?”

She shook her head. “No, Jason, this one is completely on me.”

“No, you don’t get to claim this. I should have thought this through. I could have created this set-up and still have met you in the lobby.” He looked away for a second. “I wanted to meet you here. For it to be just the two of us.” He took the three steps still separating them and touched her face. “I wanted to welcome you back in private.” He moved his face closer to hers and softly kissed her mouth. “I didn’t want witnesses or bystanders for this moment. Just us, nobody else.”

“Jason.” She touched his cheek, enjoying the soft sting of his stubble against her fingers. She glanced around and noticed the plates with bite-size treats, the candles and, as if there weren’t enough of them around, the flowers spread over the table. “It’s perfect. This is perfect.”

“Come.” Taking her hand he pulled her into the flower-built structure. Sitting down, he lifted her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He touched her face, traced her lips, stroked through her hair and she lost herself in the sensations. She’d expected a stormy reunion, a rushed coming together of two people hungry for each other and only now realized she needed this sweet, slow reconnection so much more. The last remnants of tension left her. Resting her head against his chest she closed her eyes. She kept them shut as he lifted her chin and kissed her.

“I can’t believe how close I came to ruining this.”

His voice was soft, almost a whisper, but she recognized the remorse.

“It wasn’t just you.”

She’d been thinking about this during the drive from Dublin. It would have been easy to blame him and his pride for everything they’d put each other through. Easy, but not fair.

“We rushed into this, Jason, both of us. We never stopped to think, never mind talk.”

“I know, but I should have—”

“No.” Maybe it was rude to interrupt him, but she wasn’t about to allow him to do this again. “You should have nothing. You didn’t force me to kiss you, or sleep with you or even to submit to you.”

“But I knew you were only coming out of your mourning.”

“Maybe. But how I deal with my past was, and is, my responsibility.”

She watched as emotions swept across his face. She recognized worry, and a hint of anger followed by a tenderness so vivid she could almost feel it surround her. The determination finally settling on his face told her the discussion wasn’t finished by a long shot.

“Listen.” They both said the word at the same time and burst out laughing. When she calmed down, Heather continued, “Just let me say one more thing then I will listen, I promise.”

Jason nodded his head.

“Everything I did—coming here, watching Hector and Amber, kissing you, sleeping with you, submitting to you… I did all those things because I wanted, needed to. Those were my decisions. Maybe I didn’t think all of them through as well as I should have. Maybe I should have known myself better and postponed watching a scene until I’d been here a while longer. But I didn’t and it was something I had to experience. I shouldn’t be involved in organizing your party if I can’t deal with what is such a big and essential part of it.”

This was harder than she’d thought. She wasn’t quite sure how to say what she thought and felt, what words to use. “And I’m glad I did it, Jason.” She smiled when he frowned at her. “I needed that shock to my system to get me out of the rut I’d fallen into.

She stared down and smiled when she noticed herself twisting her wedding ring around her finger. A glance at Jason told her he’d noticed her nervous tick. In an effort to distract both of them, she picked one of the flowers from the table and stroked the petals.

“If it hadn’t been for the shock of seeing Hector and Amber, if I hadn’t gone through the pain that night”—she sighed—“and if it hadn’t been for you holding me through the aftermath, I don’t know if or when I would have started feeling and living again.”

* * * *

Confusion reigned supreme in Jason’s head. He looked at her face, trying to determine if it was his turn to speak yet, and felt some of the tension in his body dissolve when he saw her smile. He had to search for the words. This wasn’t the speech he’d been preparing in his head all day. He’d been ready to take responsibility, apologize again and promise to pay more attention to her from now on. He was ready for a talk about boundaries, limits and safe-words. They still needed to have that talk. Later.

“Even if I accept I wasn’t responsible for your breakdown”—he saw her frown at the word ‘even’ but decided to ignore it—“it still leaves the fact I missed the signs. No matter what you say, I’ll always feel I should have paid more attention to you and should have seen it coming.”

Heather opened her mouth and closed it again.

“It’s okay, what do you want to say?”

He could see her weigh her words before answering.

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”

She looked at the flower in her hands and his gaze followed hers. She’d torn off all the petals.

“You just didn’t know me well enough to pick up on whatever signals there may have been.” She hesitated. “Chances are you still don’t.”

He thought about it. Part of him wanted to jump on her words, abdicate responsibility and stop feeling guilty at last. But it wasn’t as simple as she made it sound. “It’s part of what a Dom’s supposed to do, Heather—is supposed to be able to do.”

“No.” She was emphatic. “You’re a Dom, not a mind reader or clairvoyant.”

She stopped talking again and looked at his face, as if it could tell her what she should and shouldn’t say.

“Even with Darren, even after years together, there were times when he didn’t read me quite right.”

She whispered those last words. Jason had no idea what the confession might have cost her and had no intention of asking. He put his hand in her hair and kissed her, slow and deep. His lips tasted hers, caressing them, no hurry, no demands, just soft contact.

“Okay.” He broke the kiss because he needed to talk before they took things any further. “We’ll leave that in the past, where it belongs. I’ll never feel good about what happened, no matter what you say, but I’ll try not to beat myself up over it anymore.” He treasured her grateful smile. “But we do need to talk about where we go from here and how we go about it. I’m not risking a repeat.”