Live Through This (21 page)

I flinch back. “No!”

“You look really pale,” Alejandra says.

“I’m fine, okay? I’ll be even more fine if you get out of my face.”

The bathroom door squeaks open and I look over to see Kimber and Liz peeking out at us.

Alejandra purses her lips. “I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t need help.” I turn to leave, and Alejandra grabs my arm. “Don’t
touch
me!” I yell, jerking from her grasp and pushing her hard into the wall.

“Coley!” Coach wedges herself between Alejandra and me and holds her arms up as if to ward me off. I’m practically panting for oxygen, and they’re both staring at me wild eyed. This whole situation has gotten so ridiculously out of hand that I’m not even sure what’s happening.

“I will not tolerate this behavior,” Coach says to me through gritted teeth. “Don’t bother showing up at practice tomorrow because I don’t want to see you there.”

“You won’t,” I say over my shoulder as I stomp away.

CHAPTER 24

M
ing and I are beer buzzed and entertaining ourselves by singing and dancing to loud music along with a bunch of senior girls. So far, though, my first kegger isn’t anywhere near as exciting as I’d expected it to be. Part of the problem, I think, is that the Lancaster house is pristine, and the carpeted areas are roped off to keep it that way. That means that lots of kids from school are hanging around, but that’s about all that most of them are doing.

“They dance,” Xander says, loudly, over the music to Reece. “They sing. If they can act, we’ll have a couple of triple threats on our hands.”

Ming laughs and takes one of the beers Xander’s holding. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m a terrible actor.”

She’s right about that, although I seem to be better at it. Reece and Ming were both worried when they caught up with me after what happened with Alejandra and Coach Laine, but
I managed to make them believe that I’m totally fine. I’d probably be able to convince myself of it too, if I didn’t keep catching glimpses of Alejandra and Hannah every few minutes.

“Are you ready for this?” Xander asks. “I just came up with the most awesome idea ever.”

“Just like that?” Reece asks.

Xander nods. “Just like that. So I’ll quit my band and you girls will become a pop duo. We’ll call you . . . hmm. How about Sterling Jeong?”

“Oh, that’s a good name!” Ming says.

“I know,” Xander says. “You’ll be known for your vocal harmonies and killer choreography, and your live show will be a huge, huge production. We’re talking, like, circus-show insanity. And I’ll play drums for you on your worldwide tour.”

“What about me?” Reece asks.

“No offense,” Xander says, “but saxophones kind of have a reputation for ruining great songs. Maybe you can learn guitar or keyboard or something?”

I step between them—in front of Reece. “As half of this duo, I want a sax player.”

“You only think that’s what you want,” Xander says.

“No,” I say. “I
know
it is.”

Reece kisses the top of my head, and I sink back against him.

Xander and Ming beam at each other.

“I guess that settles it then,” Ming says. “Now, will someone please tell me why this took so long?”

“What?” I ask.

She gestures at Reece’s hand on my waist. “You two, with all the cuteness and public displays of affection.”

“Because he had to bide his time, obviously,” Xander says. “The whole school knows Coley’s too cool to hook up with some geeky sax dude.”

“So true,” Reece says with a laugh.

I sigh. “Stop it. For real, you guys. I don’t want anyone talking crap about my boyfriend.” I turn and face Reece. “Including
you
, okay?”

“Okay.” He takes both of my hands, steps backward until he’s leaning on the wall, and wraps his arms around me. “You seem Xandered out,” he says quietly.

“Kind of.” I close my eyes and hold tightly to him. “Sorry.”

“No, I think that happens to everyone. As long as you’re not Reeced out too?”

“I’m not even a little bit Reeced out.”

The music is playing as loudly as before and the room is still full of people, but everything feels so muted and far away. I could almost fall asleep right now. Literally. On my
feet, sleeping. I breathe in Reece’s soap-and-fabric-softener scent and focus on his heart beating beneath my cheek.

He bends and touches his forehead to mine. “You’re so tired. I feel bad. I wish I’d skipped that beer so I could get you out of here.”

“We can walk somewhere,” I say. “Maybe to the abandoned house where we went with Xander and Ming?”

“Now you’ve hit delirious mode. That’s a long way away, Coley.”

Ming calls out from behind me, “Oh, get a room already, you two!”

“Like she’s one to talk,” I say.

“She actually might be onto something with that, though,” Reece says. “A room sounds like it could be a quiet, comfortable, and
close
place to get you off your feet.”

“Okay.” I grab his hand and turn around. “Fine, Ming! We’re taking your advice.”

“Bow chicka bow wow,” she says with a grin.

•    •    •

Upstairs, Reece and I step into the first open room. He flips on the light to reveal a cotton-candy pink canopy bed, and Barbies and My Little Ponies all over the place.

“Whoa. This is . . . 
girly
,” he says.

I nudge him in and close the door behind me. “It looks a lot like my bedroom used to. I even had the same Barbie mansion.”

His lips are upturned as he glances around. “Yeah, I don’t know about this. I’d feel like a really bad person, defiling an eight-year-old’s bedroom.”

I freeze, staring at the pink princess bed. Mine was lavender.

Reece lets out a nervous laugh. “Sorry. That was supposed to be a joke. By the look on your face, I’d say it came out all wrong.”

“No. I’m fine.” And I am. I flip the light off again. The room goes dark, but a glow from somewhere outside keeps it from becoming completely black. “Would this make you feel better about yourself,” I ask, “if something were to, you know,
happen
in here?”

“Hello Kitty isn’t staring at me, so that’s a huge plus. But now I can’t see my girlfriend very well.”

I pull him to the bed and we sit together, with our fingers interlaced. An unexpected zing of energy shoots through me. “You don’t need to see me because I am. Exactly. Right.” I lean in and taste his beer and cinnamon mouth. “Here.”

“Oh,” he whispers. “
There
you are.”

I run my fingers through his hair and he cups my face in
his hands. He brings his lips back to mine again and again. There’s so much intensity in his kisses that my heart goes crazy. I want to be—
need
to be—even closer to him. I lie down and pull him onto me.

“I love the way your hair smells,” he says, propping himself up on his elbows and looking into my eyes. “It’s all summery like dandelions.”

I wrinkle my nose. “Dandelions?”

“Or, I don’t know. Daisies. Sunflowers?”

I laugh. “Those are the stinkiest flowers in the world!”

“Not to me, they aren’t.” He buries his face in my hair, inhales deeply, and lets out a sigh that is somehow both silly and sexy at the same time. “Have I ever told you that you’re amazing,” he says, “and I am so lucky?”

“I don’t think I know that song.”

“Not a song this time. I’m so creative that I came up with it all on my own.”

I giggle as he kisses me all over my face.

Our chests rise and fall together. His mouth meets mine and my eyes fall shut and we kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss until we’re both out of breath. Then we slow down and he grazes his lips against my ear, my neck, my collarbone. His hands brush across my face, run through my hair. He traces his fingers up and down my sides, slides
them under my shirt. Every part of him is pressing against every part of me. My body goes limp. His hands unclasp my bra, massage my breasts. His lips press against my lips. My heart gallops. I hate that I don’t hate this. His tongue probes my mouth, touches my tongue. I don’t kiss him back. I don’t want him to realize that I’m awake, that I have any idea what he’s doing to me. . . .

“Coley?”

The voice is . . . not right.

I open my eyes and someone’s face is close to mine. I slap him. “Get off! Let me go!”

Scrambling away, I fall onto the carpet and fight to catch my breath. The light flips on. I blink.

I’m on my hands and knees. Next to the canopy bed in Vicki and Brody’s little sister’s room.

Reece kneels on the floor beside me, his eyes open wide with shock. “Coley, what’s wrong? What did I do? Tell me what I did!”

I can’t believe I freaked out like that. I can’t believe I hit Reece.

He blurts out, “I wasn’t trying to—I promise. I mean. I thought. I thought that . . .” He tries to touch my arm, but I lean away and cover my face.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I am
so
sorry.”

•    •    •

I’ve been curled up on the floor for a thousand years and Reece has been asking me the same questions and making the same apologies over and over. My panic is fading, but my embarrassment, shame, and rage are ramping up higher and higher.

This is because of Bryan. Because of how completely messed up we are. He wasn’t even here and yet, he was. A normal girl would be able to make out with her boyfriend without freezing up, without losing it, without thinking about
her brother
.

Why can’t I be normal?

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Reece says. “I swear. I thought you were into it and—”

“I was,” I interrupt. “You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want you to do.”

He stares at me, clearly not understanding. How could he, though? How could anyone?

Reece rakes his hands over his hair and looks away. “Right at the end. I was kissing you. But it was like, you weren’t there anymore.”

My chest tightens. He noticed. He could feel the difference in me.

“Look.” I fumble with my bra under my shirt. “I’m going outside to get some air. Clear my head.”

As I stand, Reece does the same. “Can I come with you?”

“I really need to be alone right now,” I say, moving for the door.

“Coley, wait.”

His voice is pleading and I stop with my hand poised on the handle.

“The last thing I want is to screw things up with you,” he says. “Will you just talk to me? Tell me what I can do to fix it.
Please.
”

I turn to face him. His pained expression brings tears to my eyes. “You can’t fix this. It isn’t even about you.”

“What’s it about then?”

We stand there in silence, watching each other. I can’t tell him the truth. I won’t. “Just forget it,” I say, breaking his gaze.

“Forget
what
?”

I shake my head, pull open the door, and run for the stairs.

CHAPTER 25

W
hen I reach the bottom of the staircase, my arm bumps Eric, who sways into Daniel, who stumbles into Kendall. She then pushes Daniel against the banister. Garrison grabs my hand, preventing me from bolting outside. “Whoa there, Sterling!” he says at the same time that Daniel says, “
Jeez
, Eckman.”

Hannah, Rachel B., Felicia, and Alejandra glance up from their huddle to stare at me.

“Coley, what happened?” Alejandra asks.

I don’t need to be questioned by her right now; her so-called help after halftime already caused me enough problems for one night. I yank my hand from Garrison’s, fling open the front door, and escape into the cold air.

As I slam the door and step onto the stone walkway, I spot Noah leaning against one of the front pillars, talking and laughing with Brody. Noah stands up straight when he
sees me and takes a few steps forward. “Hey. Um, I just got here. What’s up?”

I’m nearly breathless as I say, “I need you to get me out of here.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

I hear the door open behind me and the roar of conversations and music from inside grow loud in an instant.

“Noah, please!”

“Okay.” He nods at Brody and we run hand in hand to his car. We rush to get in and he starts the engine and pulls away from the curb. “Someone’s waving like they want me to stop,” he says. “I think it’s Reece.”

I glance over; he’s right. “Just go. Keep driving.”

Buckling my seat belt, I squeeze my eyes shut, but it does nothing to rid my mind of Reece’s betrayed expression.

From the motion of the car, I can feel that Noah’s taking the corners too quickly. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asks after about a minute.

With my eyes still closed, I shake my head. If I talk, I’ll cry. If I cry, I’ll never stop. Tonight went so, so wrong and it’s all my fault.

“Let’s try this again,” Noah says. “I’m the getaway driver, so you
have
to tell me.”

I look down at my hands, folded onto my lap. The hands that ran through Reece’s hair and stroked his cheek. The hands that slapped him and pushed him off me.

Noah pulls up in front of my house and parks the car. I fling my door open and jump out.

“Coley, wait!”

I run across the lawn and then stop suddenly. I can’t go in there. This is the last place I want to be.

Noah catches up, puts his hands on my shoulders, and turns me around to face him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“
Every
thing’s wrong! My whole life is falling apart!”

“Why? What happened?”

I shake my head again.

“Hey, it can’t be as bad as you think. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, okay?”

I’m standing on the grass in front of my house. I’m with Noah. It’s dark and cold and my eyes are open. I know where I am. I know who I’m with.

I lunge forward and kiss him—really kiss him.

He doesn’t kiss me back, and as he pulls away, he leaves his hands on my shoulders and steps back again to get some space between us. “Cole-
leeeeeey
. What are you
doing
?”

I want the ground to open up and swallow me. I want
a hurricane to carry me away and drop me into the middle of the ocean. I want to disappear forever and ever and ever so that I never again have to see this miserable look on Noah’s face.