Living With Lies Trilogy (Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Dancing Moon Ranch Series) (49 page)

"If it's wrong, why does Mom do it?"

"I don't know, Rick. She knows better, but sometimes grownups do things they know are wrong but make excuses to get around it, but it doesn't mean your mother doesn't love you as much as ever. And even if she's doing something wrong, you still love her too."

"If Mom loved me she wouldn't do bad things," Ricky said, the pace of his foot against the back of the desk quickening, and with increasing force.

"It's not going to fix things if you kick out the back of the desk," Sam said, deciding he'd had enough. "I'll get you a punching bag if you want, but stop the kicking."

"Do I have to go to Mom's this weekend?"

"Yes," Sam replied.

The kicking started up again, and Sam decided to tough it out. Ricky had a right to be mad, with his father looking like he was trying to get it on with the new guest ranch manager, and his mother getting screwed by a guy who strutted around in spandex workout shorts. "You want me to listen to you read?" he asked, hoping that might help Ricky get the school work done.

"I'm finished," Ricky said.

Sam walked over and looked down at Ricky's book, which lay open on the same page he'd been on thirty minutes before. "Lying won't fix things either," he said. He pulled up a chair and sat facing Ricky. "I'm sorry, son, that your mother and I messed up. All I can say is, I'll do my best to make things right for you. I'm not sure how to do that right now, but I'm working on it."

"Did you want Mom to move out?" Ricky asked.

"No. That's what she wanted," Sam said. "I believe when a man and a woman make wedding vows to each other, it's a lifelong commitment."

Ricky was silent, his brows gathered in deep thought, but after a few moments, he said, "Why does Mom like that guy instead of you?"

Hell, this was getting too damn complex to explain to a nine-year-old. "I don't know," Sam replied. "I thought I was making her happy. I tried to, but sometimes it's not enough." Wrong answer! "That is, when you find the right person, you want to stay with that person for the rest of your life. I thought Mom was the right person for me, but she wasn't, because I wasn't the right person for her. If I had been, she wouldn't have wanted to leave. I guess my point is, you wait until you
know
the person is right, and then you marry her, and then you bring her to your home to live with you." He hoped this would be the end of it. Trying to explain the whole mess to Ricky was damn near impossible when he didn't understand most of it himself.

A rapping on the door caught his attention. He opened it to find Jayne standing with a manila folder in her hand. "Do you have a few minutes?" she asked. "I need to go over some things with you before people start arriving tomorrow."

Sam glanced at Ricky, who was glaring at them, and said to Jayne, "Maybe we should go to your office."

"It won't take but a minute," Jayne replied. "I want to show you the flyers for the self-guided hikes and run some ideas past you that I need to set in place before tomorrow."

"Come on in then." Sam backed up to let her pass, and as she did, he caught the hint of lilac drifting by. She was wearing another safari-type shirt, this one a darker shade, and the matching pants had pockets with zippers in the legs. He couldn't figure out how one woman could look so damn good in anything, and nothing. It was the nothing that held his attention as he looked at the back of her, imagining coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the side of the neck and...

"Can I go to Uncle Jack's?" Ricky's voice, laced with anger, shattered the image.

"You can go when you finish your reading assignment and do your work sheet," Sam said.

The kicking started again, but Sam could see that Ricky was finally reading his assignment. He hoped so, because he wanted some time alone with Jayne to plan a course of action in which they could begin to build a relationship in a way that would be acceptable to Ricky and everyone on the ranch. The idea of Jayne as his wife had taken root and wouldn't let go.

Touching her arm, he nudged her across the living room and into the kitchen, and said, in a muted voice, "Don't rush through this. He'll be finished in a few minutes and we'll be alone."

"That's not why I came." Jayne gave him a look that set things straight. No kiss. No touching. No, nothing. She opened the folder and placed several flyers on the table, and said, while pointing, "This one's for the hike to the Indian mound. It tells about the process of making arrowheads and what the different points are for. It includes a sketch of the trail, and the boy who's doing it is making trail markers with arrows, but I wanted to make sure it's okay to take people there. Flo said your father didn't want people coming in and digging up the place."

Sam turned his back to Ricky, positioning himself between Ricky's line of sight at the far end of the living room, and Jayne, and covered Jayne's hand with his, and said, "I've been thinking it over and it's okay. You've done a good job."

Jayne pulled her hand away. "And this flyer's for the Whispering Springs hike." She removed another flyer, but when she looked up at him, her lips were moist and parted, and her nostrils were flaring slightly, and there was a sheen of tears in her eyes, and he couldn't decide if her reaction was from anxiety over having Ricky present, or because she felt the same frustration and longing as he, but it was all he could do to keep from pulling her into his arms and holding her. He sensed that's what she wanted, more than a kiss…

Looking down at the flyer again, Jayne said, "Jack showed the boy who's working on it where to put it. It's going to be a nice hike, especially for families with young children."

"Then it went okay with Jack?" Sam asked in a hushed voice. He hadn't been aware that she'd had contact with him after the encounter in the wine cellar.

"Yes," Jayne replied, just above a whisper. "I had a talk with Grace first. She understands about Hansen men."

"What about them?" Sam asked.

"They're hard to resist." She rested the flyer on the table and took a paper from the folder. "What I wanted to discuss was the idea of having week-long workshops. It would be good for photographers, or writers, or educators and their speakers."

"Your hands are shaking again," Sam said, clamping his palm around her wrist.

"I know," Jayne replied. "It's frustrating, being like this."

"Dad? Can I go now? I'm done." Ricky's voice from the next room caught Sam off guard.

Sam quickly released Jayne's wrist, then turned and walked across the living room to where Ricky was sitting. On checking his work, he saw that it was hastily written and probably incomplete, or at least not complete enough to get a good grade, but there were more issues going with Ricky at the moment than worrying about one assignment. "Yeah, you can go," he said, "but if I check your work and it's not complete, you won't be going anywhere during spring break, is that clear?"

"Yeah, sure," Ricky said, with an attitude. Eyeing Jayne with disgust, he walked to the door without speaking to her.

"Hold it there!" Sam called out.

Ricky turned and waited.

"You want to go to your room instead?"

Ricky's eyes darted between Sam and Jayne, coming to rest on Sam. "What'd I do?"

"You don't walk past a guest in this house without acknowledging them."

Ricky's eyes fixed on Jayne, and Sam saw his hands curl into fists and he wondered if it was a good idea to force the kid to address the woman he'd caught kissing his dad.

When Ricky just stood staring at Jayne, Jayne said to him, "I think I would have been mad too if I'd caught a woman I didn't know kissing my dad. Sometimes adults do things they don't expect to do. That's what happened with your dad and me. I'd been sipping wine and it made me act silly and I kissed your dad."

"Yeah, Dad said grownups make excuses like that," Ricky said, in a brusque tone.

Sam was ready to cuff the kid. "You can address Miss Hamilton as Miss Hamilton," he said, determined to win this silent standoff.

Ricky pursed his lips, then replied in a curt tone, "Hello, Miss Hamilton." He looked at Sam, and said, "Can I go now?"

"For one hour and then we're going to have a long talk."

"Whatever." Ricky turned and rushed out the house, slamming the door.

"He's got a major chip on his shoulder right now," Sam said, watching Ricky cross the drive and stomp up the porch steps to Jack and Grace's house, but once Ricky was inside, Sam pulled Jayne into his arms and kissed her long and hard, and she responded by kissing him back. But when the kiss was over, he said, "Where do we go from here?"

Jayne looked up at him, and replied, "Back to work. We have seven families arriving tomorrow, and right now Flo's in the process of dying three-dozen eggs to hide on Easter, along with two dozen chocolate ones, and I've been working on a nature guide for the kids for things for them to look for along the trails and descriptions of the birds that come to the feeders."

"That's not what I meant," Sam said. "I was talking about us." He kissed his way down her neck and concentrated on her ear, drawing little moans of pleasure as his tongue darted inside.

"Sam," Jayne said dreamily, "when you do that it makes things worse. Umm, that feels good, but one of us has to show some restraint, and I'm having a difficult time being the one."

"How did we get where we are?" Sam asked. "Two weeks ago my head was on straight, but now I want us to be able to make love whenever we want, and I want to be able to look Rick in the eye and tell him sex before marriage is wrong, and there's only one way to fix that."

Jayne eyed him with trepidation. "You can't possibly mean marriage."

"There have been couples who've met and married in two weeks and stayed married," Sam said, "and other couples, like Susan and me, who went together for two years and it fell apart. Life's a crap shoot, honey. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose."

"Well, I have no intention of getting married with the mindset of someone shooting craps," Jayne replied. "Marriage is a life-long commitment, and children are a part of it, and I want to have—" She stopped short and looked at him, and said nothing more. But her unspoken words could not have been more clear.
And I want to have children...

The image of her holding Grace and Jack's new baby, then handing him to Grace and rushing out of the room and crying behind the closed door to her bedroom like her heart was broken, was finally beginning to make sense. She'd either lost a baby, or aborted one, or given one up for adoption, and a child was the one void in her life he could never fill.

CHAPTER 6

When the ranch guests began to arrive, Jayne was at first a little overwhelmed. She'd gone over the check-in procedure dozens of times, entering sample names and addresses in the registration form on the computer and printing receipts, and that had gone well, but she hadn't been prepared to deal with a family who hadn't made reservations, but insisted, with impatience and agitation, that they had. She scanned the computer for their name, certain she could not have overlooked them, and when she was about to give up, the wife remembered she'd forgotten to make the reservation when the washer overflowed. The woman was embarrassed and sorry, and her husband was really, really pissed, and their two teenage daughters were fussing about having to sleep on foldaways.

But after that, things went smoothly, and a little while later the guests, having settled into their rooms, begin to emerge and gather in the great room, most of them dressed in new western clothes. They exchanged pleasantries while waiting for Jack to take them to the
stable, where he'd match them up with horses for their first trail ride.

Jayne was in her office, collecting the bags of chocolate eggs to take to the barn for the Easter egg hunt the following day, when Sam walked in unannounced, and said, "Grace received a call from her sister, Justine, and they'll be here sometime tomorrow. You can put them in the two-bedroom cabin with the kitchenette. And no charges."

Jayne set the bags of eggs on the floor and stepped around the desk to where Sam could kiss her if he wanted, but he made no move to do so. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

Sam shrugged. "Ricky's pissed about life in general and says he's not coming to the egg hunt and doesn't want to meet the kids staying here. So no, things aren't okay. I can't stay away from you," he said, keeping his back to her, "and I can't give you what you want."

"What are you talking about?" Jayne asked.

"I can't give you a child."

Jayne stared at him, too stunned to speak. That was the last thing she'd expected from him. True, he couldn't fill the void in her life, and she'd considered that when she first learned he was sterile, but the fact that he couldn't father a child wouldn't stop her from marrying him if she could erase her past, which she couldn't. "What makes you think I have to have a child?" she asked, hoping his statement was merely that of an infertile male assuming no woman wanted to marry a man who couldn't give her children.

"I followed you to your bedroom the day you held Grace's baby. I heard you crying."

Jayne had no idea he'd been standing outside her door, so she offered the only reason she could think. "I was upset because my biological clock is ticking, and holding the baby made me emotional, but I have no problem adopting." If only it were that simple.

Sam eyed her dubiously, and when he made no move toward her, Jayne knew he wasn't convinced. He affirmed it when he said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe we do need a period of separation so we can think. But the bottom line is, all relationships need to be based on honesty. I'm not sure that's what I'm getting." He waited for her response, and when she said nothing, he turned and left.

***

Sam looked out the window of the new addition toward the lodge, where Jayne stood with a group of kids, getting ready to lead them to the barn for the Easter egg hunt. He didn't buy into the biological clock excuse. It was something much more troubling, something too painful to talk about. But she would talk. He didn't know how, or when, or where, but he would get it out of her, then maybe they could take it from there.

He turned from the window and looked at Ricky, who was hammering nails into a board, not in any particular order, just pounding away, letting off steam and refusing to go to the Easter egg hunt. He hadn't told Ricky about Justine, Brad and Sophie coming, because he didn't want Ricky to be disappointed if plans changed at the last minute, but he knew Ricky would be glad to see Sophie. She'd been as troubled as Ricky the first time they met, having just lost her mother and being turned over to a father she'd never known, and the two kids bonded instantly.

Deciding that giving Rick a little hope of seeing Sophie would be better than watching him pound away his anger on Easter, he said, "Sophie and her folks are coming for a visit."

Ricky stopped pounding and looked up. "For sure?"

Sam shrugged. "As far as I know."

"When are they gonna get here?" Ricky asked.

"Sometime late today," Sam replied.

Ricky said nothing, but a few minutes later, Sam saw him looking out the window and knew he wanted a reason to join the kids. "I hear there are about four dozen chocolate eggs hidden in the barn," he said. "You'd probably know better than the other kids where they'd be."

Ricky shrugged. "I suppose." He meandered out the winery and ambled toward the barn. About halfway there he picked up his pace, and by the time he reached the barn, he was jogging.

Sam looked at the block of wood with its bent nails and felt like starting his own block. He could imagine getting some satisfaction pounding nails, or punching a bag, or moving about ten dozen cases of wine from one side of the wine cellar to the other.

On the other hand, maybe he'd stroll over to the barn and watch the kids. And watch Jayne. And try to figure out a way to be alone with her and attempt to learn what she was holding back that was so troubling, she swore off men for eleven years.

***

Jayne was shocked to see Sam standing in the doorway to the barn. Spotting her, he walked over to where she stood, and said, "I really need to talk to you. Could we meet in one of the cabins later?"

"We don't need to be in a cabin to talk," Jayne replied.

"I want to be where Ricky won't see us," Sam said. "I'll get him started on a movie and slip out once he's involved."

"I suppose," Jayne replied. "Which cabin and what time?"

"The cabin on the end near my house," Sam said. "It'll be dark inside, but I'll be there. Make it around nine." Glancing around and seeing no one watching, he gave her a quick kiss and left.

Jayne tried to convince herself that they'd sit in the dark and talk, but already she was imaging being with Sam flesh to flesh. But while she was deliberating whether or not to even go, she was surprised to see Maureen Hansen standing in the shadows directly across from her, looking her way. Flustered, but thinking she needed to tell Maureen
something
, she walked over to where the woman stood, and said, "I guess that wasn't very subtle."

Maureen eyed her with concern. "There's nothing subtle about either of you right now, especially Sam and the way he's been acting over the past few days. He talked to me about it some, and I told him it was way too soon to be considering any kind of relationship, and I still stand by that. However, I also know that sometimes reasoning goes to the wind when two people want a relationship. Sam's lonely and he thinks he's found the one woman to make his family complete, but it's way too soon for him to be thinking like that."

"I agree," Jayne said, "which is why we plan to talk about it tonight. We're meeting in one of the cabins where Ricky won't hear us."

"Honey, let me give you a little advice from a woman who was married to a Hansen man for over forty years," Maureen said. "You don't go into a dark cabin with him to discuss
anything
."

"What is it about Hansen men?" Jayne asked. "I got the same thing from Grace. It's like they weave a spell over women, who find them irresistible."

"My husband was," Maureen said. "We met at Whispering Springs. I was staying with my aunt and uncle at a neighboring ranch and I hiked to the spring with my two cousins. Adam came riding down the trail on his horse, and when I looked at him, my heart made such a thud I literally thought it had stopped. By that time my cousins had already disappeared into the grotto to see the spring, and when Adam asked me my name, I couldn't remember. We laughed about it later, but at the time, I wanted to die. The next day, Adam came riding over to the ranch where we were staying, leading a horse, and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I was so shocked my aunt had to answer for me. But the rest is history."

"Flo told me you lost him in an automobile accident," Jayne said. "You must have been devastated."

"I was," Maureen replied. "A day never goes by that I don't think about him."

"Do you think you'd ever consider marrying again?" Jayne asked.

Maureen shook her head. "After being married to a man like Adam, there would be no other man to compare with him. So no, I'll never marry. I'm happy enough watching the next generation of Hansen boys grow up. I wouldn't mind having one little girl in the family though. Seven grandsons is a lot of boys, but I love them all. I just wish Adam were here to see them, and that they could have known their grandfather. He was a wonderful man. Devoted. Like my boys. Hansen men love deeply, and forever."

Jayne thought about that. It bothered her that Maureen could be right, which could be the reason Sam was so touchy about the situation with Susan. He was jealous that there was another man in her life. "Do you think Sam still loves Susan?" she asked.

"I need to restate that," Maureen said. "Hansen men love forever, if their women are true. Susan, of course, wasn't, and Lauren killed Jack's son, but if what you and Sam feel for one another develops into a lasting relationship, and you love Sam back and don't hide things from him, you'll have a good man by your side for life."

Jayne found herself gazing down at the floor of the barn, unable to look Maureen in the eye and assure her that the woman Sam thought he was in love with was not hiding anything, when in fact, she was hiding so much, she didn't know where to begin. So for now, silence seemed the best option.

***

Sam was glad to see Brad Meecham again. Before the divorce, he and Brad had gone through a kind of male bonding. At the same time as his marriage to Susan was unraveling, Brad was struggling with his mounting desire for Justine, even knowing she'd slept her way up the corporate ladder. Brad had become an instant father to Sophie, a child he hadn't known existed, and Justine turned out to be the only person who could get through to a little girl who'd lost her mother two weeks before and was turned over to a father who was a total stranger.

Brad crossed the great room in a few long strides, clapped Sam on the shoulder, and said, "How's it going?"

"Is that a platitude, or do you really want to know?" Sam asked.

"We're here for a week," Brad said. "If it takes longer than that, I guess we'd better stick to platitudes. I take it things aren't going too well."

Sam filled Brad in on Ricky's behavior of late. He wasn't sure how to direct the conversation to his relationship with Jayne though, or if he wanted to. Brad would react the same as everyone else, thinking it pretty brainless to be contemplating marriage to a woman after only two weeks. It was brainless, and illogical, and would even be laughable if he weren't the subject. It was also something he couldn't explain because, like being hit by a freight train, he never saw it coming and hadn't been prepared for the force of it when Jayne walked into his life.

"When a divorce involves kids, it takes time for things to work out," Brad offered. "Give Ricky some space, he'll come around. It's good you're not involved with anyone though. The kid can at least know his dad hasn't lost it."

When Sam didn't respond, Brad said, "You aren't involved with anyone, are you?"

Sam rocked his hand back and forth. "Well, no. That is, maybe. We hired a guest ranch manager a couple of weeks ago. A woman."

"Is this a different subject?" Brad asked.

"Not exactly."

"Then I take it she's working out," Brad said, lowering himself to the couch.

"Yeah, she's working out fine," Sam said. "Smart. Capable." He glanced across the great room. "She's standing by the espresso machine."

Brad looked in the direction of Sam's gaze, and said, "She's a good-looking woman. You have something going with her?"

"Yeah, I have something going," Sam replied. "I told her I wanted to marry her."

"Shit, Sam! Are you crazy?" Brad said, looking at him as if he'd finally lost it. "Did you know her before you hired her?"

Sam shook his head. "We hit it off from the start and things moved fast, and that's where we are." He lowered himself into a chair adjacent to Brad and looked across the room at Jayne, who was talking to Grace and Justine—two tall, willowy women of exceptional beauty, who looked like a couple of models, and a pretty, softly rounded, shorter one who was the kind of woman he would have been looking for as a wife if Jayne hadn't stripped him of all reasoning. It occurred to him that he could just be blinded by Jayne's beauty.

"Did she agree to marry you?" Brad asked, brows drawn in curiosity and concern.

"That's the problem," Sam said. "It's kind of one-sided right now."

"I'm not surprised. Look at the woman," Brad said. "She could have any man she wanted. Do you plan to pick a number and wait in line?"

"There are no other men in her life," Sam said. "She hadn't been in a relationship with a man in eleven years when we..." He stopped. He wasn't about to discuss with Brad the intimate side of his relationship with Jayne, even in the name of male bonding.