Lizzie's Secret (30 page)

Church bells were ringing when Lizzie woke to see Harry standing there with a cup of tea in one hand and a bacon sandwich on a plate in the other.

‘It was all I knew how to make,' he said, looking like a naughty schoolboy as he set both the cup and plate down on the table beside her. ‘I'm so sorry for the way I behaved last night, Lizzie. I expect you hate me now – I deserve it. I could beg you to forgive me, but if I were you I wouldn't – what I did…' he broke down, his face working with distress. ‘I can't believe I did it – I was just so damned jealous. Robbie was making a play for you all evening…'

Lizzie stared up at him, feeling cold and unforgiving. ‘That doesn't give you the right to rape me, Harry.'

‘Rape…' he blenched as she said it. ‘I didn't mean – I just wanted you so much and you said no – wouldn't let me love you…'

‘So you took what you wanted regardless of my feelings? When you know what happened to me – what it did to me the last time?' Lizzie stood up, looking him in the eyes. ‘I don't take that from anyone, Harry. I'm not a doormat and I've got too much pride to live with a man who thinks he can use me like that…'

‘Lizzie don't,' Harry begged. The tears were streaming down his cheeks now and then he was on his knees, catching at her robe, hugging her around the legs like an abject child. ‘If you leave me I'll go to pieces. I can't go on without you – you're all that keeps me sane. You don't know…' he broke off shaking his head. ‘I'm so ashamed.'

Lizzie resisted for a moment longer, and then reached down to touch his hair as a feeling of love, or pity, overwhelmed her. ‘What's wrong, Harry? What has happened to you? I don't understand?'

He looked up at her. ‘I'm a coward, Lizzie – a miserable rotten little coward and I want to run away and hide.'

Lizzie sat down and looked into his face. ‘What makes you say that? What has happened to make you feel that way?'

‘We've been flying almost non-stop missions over enemy territory, taking aerial photo surveys and the flak is bad, Lizzie. Three of the squadron have been shot down this month and both pilot and navigator were killed – or burned beyond recognition…'

Harry's hands were shaking as Lizzie reached out to take them. Everyone moaned about all the fuss and petty restrictions when nothing was happening, and it didn't really seem as if there was a war at all, but what they didn't realise was that some of the men were facing danger every day of their lives; men at sea and young flyers risking everything to find out more about the enemy's installations and ships.

‘I'm sorry if you've lost some of your friends, Harry.'

His hands stilled as she caught and held them. ‘We've been lucky so far, Robbie and me – but I'm terrified every time I go up, Lizzie. I wanted to fly, wanted to do my bit for my country – but I'm a coward. I get the shakes sometimes and the only thing that keeps me going is the memory of you – of your sweet face.'

‘Harry, dearest,' she said, her throat tight as she struggled to hold back her tears. ‘I don't know what to say… I'm sure you're not the only one who's frightened of getting shot down.'

‘Robbie laughs at danger; he loves the thrill of it, and we always get the best pictures because he takes us in closer than anyone else dare fly. So far we've had the devil's own luck, but I know it can't last. We've done more than sixty missions, Lizzie, and a lot of the chaps only manage a handful. I think I could stand the idea of death but it's getting burned…' He shuddered and bent his head. ‘I'm so ashamed. What I did last night – and now you know I'm a coward. You won't want me around, Lizzie. I'll go to a hotel for the rest of my leave. It's only until Monday night…'

‘Of course you won't go to a hotel. This is your home, Harry. I got you a present for Christmas, even though you didn't get home…'

‘I bought you something too,' he said and looked up at her, hope in his eyes. ‘You don't hate me?'

‘No – but you hurt me, Harry. Not just physically but mentally. I'm not going to leave you, but if you ever do anything like that again, I shall…'

‘I shan't! I promise on my life. I wish I'd thrown myself under a train rather than hurt you like that, Lizzie. Can you forgive me?'

‘Yes, I think so, but it's going to be a while before I feel I can trust you again,' she said. ‘I don't think you're a coward, Harry. What you're doing takes guts and even if you do feel terrified you do it – don't you?' He was still her husband, still a brave man doing a dangerous job, even if he had made her wish she'd never married him.

‘I have no choice. I couldn't ask for a transfer – and it wouldn't happen if I did. I chose to train as a navigator and observer and I'm stuck with it. If I wasn't flying reconnaissance missions, it would be bombers or some such thing – and they will be in the thick of it once it really starts.'

‘You don't think your commanding officer would put you on groundwork?'

‘I can't ask, Lizzie.' He looked rueful. ‘I can just imagine the looks I'd get – that's the worst bit. I have to laugh and joke and pretend like the others – I'm even more afraid of being thought a coward than of dying. I couldn't face the other chaps if…' He shook his head and looked miserable.

‘Don't you see, Harry?' Lizzie said earnestly. ‘They probably feel just the same as you do – that's why they brag and play ridiculous jokes, as they did last night. Robbie wasn't after me; he was just showing off like a little boy…'

Harry arched his brows at her, before getting to his feet. ‘When did you get to be so grown-up and wise?'

‘Perhaps last night had something to do with it,' Lizzie said, though she knew she'd been changing for a while. It had begun at that garden party, when she'd seen something in Sebastian's eyes – a feeling of need and wanting…. She'd refused to acknowledge it then, but a more recent memory was haunting her. . Why that sudden urgency when he came to the workshop the last time? Was it because he was going away – perhaps into danger? The thought caught at her heart, giving her pain and she had to force herself back to the present, back to what Harry was saying.

‘Will you ever forgive me?'

‘Let's forget about it for now,' she said turning to hide her tears. ‘I'll give you my presents and you can give me yours…'

*

Uncle Bertie came round later when Lizzie was cooking dinner. He caught the delicious smell of roast beef and looked envious as she took it out of the tin and turned it before returning it to the oven.

‘My favourite,' he said. ‘Your aunt has a chicken whenever she can, but I'd choose beef every time – have you made puddings?'

‘Lizzie makes lovely crisp Yorkshires,' Harry said and grinned. ‘You can have some if you like.'

‘I wouldn't dare,' his uncle said and chuckled. ‘Your aunt would be offended if I didn't do justice to her Sunday dinner. I only came round to see you, Harry. I couldn't believe it when Lizzie rang and said you were home. She didn't tell us you were coming…'

‘It was a surprise,' Harry said. ‘I didn't know until half an hour before I caught the train.'

‘Come round for tea or supper if you like,' Uncle Bertie invited. ‘Now, if we could have a word on our own, Harry lad. It's just man-to-man stuff, nothing Lizzie would be interested in…'

Lizzie didn't even turn her head. She wanted the dinner to be perfect. It was difficult making things seem normal after the previous evening and Harry's confession. She felt guilty for not having realised what a strain he was under. How he would cope with the next months, and perhaps years, she didn't know – because he was clearly cracking under the pressure and Sebastian said it had hardly started yet. Perhaps he didn't know about the reconnaissance missions like Lizzie he was waiting to see what would happen when the two countries really came to blows.

No, she was sure he knew much more, was mixed up in things she knew nothing of – and perhaps that explained the way he'd been in her workroom when he'd seemed to plead with her to love him. Safe at home in her own little world, how could Lizzie understand what men exposed to danger were thinking? Some inner sense told her that Sebastian would be exposed to danger soon, even if he hadn't been already. Most things to do with the war were kept secret until after they happened, because the Government suspected there were German spies or sympathisers everywhere. Lizzie and Beth had laughed at the idea, but perhaps there was a lot more going on behind the scenes than most people guessed.

She had just finished beating the mixture for the Yorkshire when Uncle Bertie came back into the kitchen, followed by Harry. He shook his head at her as she offered him a glass of sweet sherry.

‘The only thing that's good for is a trifle,' he said. ‘I was wondering if you finished that new design, Lizzie – the cap with the embroidered badge.'

‘Yes, I did finish it but I sold it immediately. I'm making more but they aren't finished.'

‘You sold it before showing it to me?' Uncle Bertie looked annoyed. ‘Who bought it?'

‘Oh…' Lizzie glanced at Harry but he didn't seem interested and was investigating the trifle Lizzie had made the previous day and just finished with a decoration of cream and nuts. ‘Mr Winters called in to buy a few hats and saw it. He wanted it, so I let him buy it. I'm sorry if you're disappointed…'

‘Doesn't matter,' Uncle Bertie said, preparing to leave. ‘I hope you will be pleased with what I've done, Lizzie…'

Harry went to the door with him, returning just as Lizzie poured the pudding mixture into small bun tins. ‘Do you know what he just told me?'

Lizzie shook her head, pushing the tray into the oven before turning to look at him. He seemed abstracted, a little displeased.

‘He's giving you half the business… well, leaving it to you in his will, apparently. Aunt Miriam will get the other half for her lifetime and then it comes to me – if I survive the war. If not, you will get the lot…'

Lizzie thought she heard resentment in his voice. Obviously, he'd thought his uncle would leave the business to him, as everyone had assumed, Lizzie included.

‘He shouldn't have done that,' Lizzie said at once. ‘I'll tell him I don't want it. I expect it's just a precaution, because of the war…'

‘Because he thinks I may not make it?' Harry said harshly. ‘It's more than likely that I won't. Pilots and their navigators will be some of the highest casualties in the future. He's being sensible…'

‘Harry don't – please, I didn't mean it that way…'

‘No, but it's what he's thinking…what happens to the business when he goes if I've been killed…'

‘Your uncle isn't going to die for years. He'll probably change his mind once the war is over and you start working in the business again.'

‘He thinks you're a huge asset to the business, told me he needs you. Apparently, there are other government contracts he could take on if you would oblige him.'

‘What kind of things?'

‘Clothing mostly, I think, but you should ask him if you're interested.' His brows rose, seeming to mock her.

‘I'm not really,' Lizzie said. ‘I'm happy with the arrangement we have – and I think the business should come to you, Harry.'

‘Give his ideas some thought, Lizzie. It would mean security for your future – especially if I'm not around…'

‘Don't – please don't say anything.'

‘You have to face the facts, Lizzie. It's more likely that I shall die than survive… Uncle Bertie is hoping we'll have a son so that he can pass the business on. Oh, he didn't say it but his hints were clear enough.'

‘I'm not sure I'll be able to have a child,' Lizzie said, ‘after what happened to me – the miscarriage and my long illness. I'm sorry, Harry. I thought it might happen after our holiday but it didn't and I've wondered since if I was damaged inside.'

‘You should see a doctor and ask his opinion…'

‘Perhaps…'

Harry took her by her upper arms, his fingers pressing into her flesh. ‘I mean it, Lizzie. I think you should find out if you are able to have a child.'

‘If you insist…'

‘I do,' he said and his eyes looked cold, angry. Lizzie felt a sinking sensation inside. If she couldn't have children Harry would resent her more than he already did. She knew that despite all his declarations of love, he still felt cheated because she hadn't come to him as a virgin bride.

‘I'd better set the table,' she said, feeling empty inside. Her marriage had been doomed from the moment Harry discovered her secret; it seemed Aunt Jane was right when she said that Lizzie should never marry. ‘Dinner will not be long.'

‘I'll do it,' Harry said. ‘I might as well make myself useful.'

She nodded and turned away to start the vegetables cooking. Her eyes stung with tears and it was difficult to pretend that she was happy that her husband was home when she felt miserable. She'd promised to forgive him and she would try, but something inside her had gone out, like a candle in a storm; the confident love she'd felt had faded to a small knot in her chest and she thought it felt more like pity than love. He needed her and she couldn't shut him out, but the joyous loving affection she'd felt for him had gone.

Beth hung over the toilet, feeling wretched. She'd been sick twice that morning and she could no longer hope that her period would come and rescue her from the certain shame carrying a bastard child would bring on her and her family.

She pulled the long chain and went to wash her hands; the water was only a trickle and brownish again, because the icy weather had caused another pipe burst. Shivering in the cold toilets, she rubbed her arms and wondered why she'd wanted to take up her present job away from home. At the moment she longed for nothing more than to be home with her mother – although she would be furious when she found out Beth was pregnant.