Loneliness (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (2 page)

Proverbs says ...

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” (Proverbs 14:10)

• Chronic loneliness
  means continually feeling isolated and disconnected from others.
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  • Can develop from constantly feeling misunderstood or cut off from everyone
    
  • Can be rooted in feeling socially inept, full of shame, or having low self-worth
    
• Chronic loneliness
  often leads to personal isolation, bitterness, and destructive behavior.
  
  • Can result in having “no hope of connecting again in the future”
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  • Can end in “suicide or angry, violent alienation”
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  “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.”
  (Psalm 73:21–22)
  

Q
UESTION: “My life is active and full, so why do I get lonely?”

A
NSWER:
Activity alone is not a cure for loneliness. Over-involvement in activities—to the point where you have no solitude—can be an attempt to numb the longing in your heart for God.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” (Psalm 62:5–6)

Are you comfortable spending time alone, solitary, and separate from others? Or, do you prefer to spend your waking hours surrounded by people, noise, and activity because you associate quiet, private time with loneliness and emptiness?

Actually, spending time alone—seeking the peace and quiet of solitude—can bring serenity to your spirit.

Solitary time spent in prayer or Bible study can also broaden your perspective and deepen your faith. Psalm 46:10 encourages you to:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
By seeking times of solitude, you put aside your worldly concerns and simply listen for God’s voice. Doing so helps you discern His intended path so that you can choose it as your own.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” (Psalm 143:8)

• Being alone
  means being solitary, “separated from others.”
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  • Alone
    in the New Testament is sometimes translated from the Greek word
    monos,
    which means “alone, by oneself.”
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  • Jesus often sought solitude. He separated Himself from others in order to commune alone with the Father.
    

  “After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.”
  (Matthew 14:23)
  

• Being alone
  can be positive or negative.
  
  • Alone
    in the Old Testament is sometimes translated from the Hebrew word
    băd
    , which means “alone, by one’s self, apart.”
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  • Moses was settling disputes all alone from morning to evening, wearing himself out. He needed the help of others.
    

  “You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.”
  (Exodus 18:18)
  

Q
UESTION: “At times I feel like I must get away by myself, but my mate worries that this is a negative reflection on us. I love and enjoy our relationship. Is there something wrong with me in wanting time alone?”

A
NSWER:
No, solitude is time spent physically apart from all others, which can be good for you. Warren Wiersbe observed, “Jesus used to go out by Himself to meditate and to pray. ... The apostle Paul left his friends so he could walk and meditate while they traveled by ship. He wanted solitude. He wanted to be alone.”
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Solitude is “the quality or state of being alone or remote from society.”
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Most people believe that being alone is the same thing as being lonely. However, they are usually basing their thinking on their own painful experience.

• Healthy solitude is ...
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  • A state of being “alone, but not necessarily lonely”
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  • A chosen separation from the press of people
    
  • A needed refuge from the noise and negativity of life
    
  • A place of privacy “to sort out ideas, values, and attitudes”
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  • A healthy haven from unhealthy emotions
    
  • A positive time alone without being preoccupied with missing others
    
  • A shelter from the storm to handle significant loss
    
  • A personal retreat to prime the pump of creativity
    
  • A private sanctuary to rest, pray, and meditate
    

“At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place. ... One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.” (Luke 4:42; 6:12)

Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word
loneliness
to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word
solitude
to express the glory of being alone.

—Paul Tillich, Christian theologian
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Part of the difference between being alone and being lonely involves the sense of being in control.

Solitude is being alone by choice.
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It is deliberately seeking quiet, private alone time to reflect, to be in prayer, or simply to be still and listen for God’s voice. As Psalm 37:7 suggests,
“Be still before the L
ORD
and wait patiently for him.”

Loneliness
, on the other hand, is the emotion that arises when you feel that you have little control over being alone.
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You feel isolated and abandoned, and wish your circumstances were different. Often this is a consequence of a change in your life—a move, a death, a broken relationship, or any situation where you find yourself wishing for attachments you once enjoyed.

“Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life.” (Psalm 142:4)

Here are other distinctions between being alone and being lonely:
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• Being alone
  refers to the
  physical
  —the state of being separated from others.
  
• Being lonely
  refers to the
  emotional
  —the state of feeling isolated, rejected, or desolate.
  
• Being alone
  can be a
  positive experience
  —a time of creativity and communion with the Lord.
  
• Being lonely
  is always a
  negative feeling
  ,
  often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness.
  

Q
UESTION: “Does loneliness last forever?”

A
NSWER:
No. Typically, loneliness is temporary and diminishing as you become more accepting and comfortable with your loss or change in life. And remember, one day, when you are with God, there will be no more loneliness, no more death, no more mourning, no more tears.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

He is chosen of God—he is God’s anointed—but David feels desperately alone and lonely. His loneliness wreaks havoc with his body, weakening his bones and sapping his strength. God’s choice king likens himself to
“a broken vessel,”
his life in shards with the jagged pieces piercing his emotions, weakening his very soul.

In describing the devastation of his loneliness, David says he is a
“contempt”
to his neighbors, and he is a
“dread”
to his friends (Psalm 31:11).

In a fleeting moment of fear, David even feels like the Lord has abandoned him, but then his faith swells and his hope returns.

He boldly proclaims ...

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the L
ORD
.” (Psalm 31:24)

As a lonely person, you can get to the place where you “automatically build walls instead of bridges”—you “step back when others step” toward you.
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By continuously using language like the statements below, you can actually create your own world of isolation, receiving the exact opposite response than the one you want. These self-defeating “I” statements focus selfishly on self-protection. They are wall building instead of bridge building, keeping you stuck in a state of loneliness.

“An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.” (Proverbs 18:1)

“My kinsmen have gone away; my friends have forgotten me.” (Job 19:14)

Feelings of loneliness are easier to describe than to define. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach when someone you love has deserted you. You feel abandoned, unwanted, or unneeded, as if “you’re all by yourself when you’re actually surrounded by all kinds of people.”
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You feel like no one really cares.

These problems can intensify if you start to believe your loneliness signals a serious personal defect—that you are somehow unacceptable, unworthy, immature, weak, or unlovable. If this happens, you may begin to feel you have nothing to live for. Your pain can erode your self-esteem, drain your strength, and steal your hope.
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Loneliness puts a wall around you no matter how free you actually may be.

If you are lonely, you may identify with this passage from Psalm 31:9–12 in which an emotionally devastated David prays to God.

“Be merciful to me, O L
ORD
, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends—those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery.” (Psalm 31:9–12)

• Persistent loneliness
  can lead to other problems, such as:
  
  • Depression
    
  • Anger
    
  • Fear
    
  • Fault-finding in others
    
  • Self-criticism
    
• People who are perpetually lonely:
  
  • Have difficulty taking risks socially, such as introducing themselves to others, starting a conversation, or joining a group
    
  • Feel uncomfortable sharing personal feelings
    
  • Have difficulty trusting others in a social situation
    
  • Develop a pessimistic or cynical outlook on life
    
  • Expect to be rejected by others
    
• When loneliness becomes severe:
  
  • Thinking is altered
    
  • Outlook on life changes
    
  • Motivation is lost
    
  • Hopelessness abounds
    
  • Isolation deepens