Looking for a Love Story (21 page)

But then a day came when Florrie’s letter wasn’t about paying
for the mirror in the bar that had been smashed or the beer mugs that had been broken.
We didn’t know how sick Pa was
, Florrie had written.

The doctor says he’s been eaten up with cancer for months. Pa has known it, but I guess he didn’t want to tell us. I’m sorry this won’t reach you before the funeral, but maybe it’s just as well. You couldn’t have made it back in time anyway, so you just would have fretted the way you do. The service was nice, and the preacher said Pa’s in a better place. But I say if he thinks that, he didn’t know Pa
.

Good-bye for now, from your loving sister
,

Florrie

   Ellie had cried in Benny’s arms that night until she fell asleep, and in the morning, when she woke up, he kissed her. A real man-and-woman kiss. So when he told her he loved her, it wasn’t a surprise, it was just something that had to be true because it felt so right. And when he stayed all night in her room, that really wasn’t a surprise either. And what they did together didn’t seem wrong.

“How could it be,” he’d whispered in her ear, “when I love you so much?”

She could have said that she’d been taught differently. But the mother who had taught her about right and wrong was dead, and so was her father. And her sisters had their own busy lives. There was no one in the world to love her now but Benny. So she didn’t tell him to stop.

The truth was, she didn’t want him to stop. Not when it was nighttime, and he came into her room after everyone else was asleep. Benny’s long, hard body gave her more pleasure than she’d ever dreamed was possible. She felt herself floating through the days on the memories of that pleasure, and she couldn’t wait for night to come. During the days Benny gave her roses, and hot fudge sundaes, and he made her smile, and all she needed was the
touch of his hand to make her forget the hard knocks that had come before she met him. But she wasn’t a fool. She’d heard about Benny’s way with girls, and even though she was young and in love for the first time, she’d screwed up her courage and asked Joe about it.

“I know Benny has had other girls,” she stammered. “And I need to know … am I different from the others? Does he care for me? Really care?”

But suddenly Joe seemed to be in one of his bad moods. “Ask him yourself,” he’d said.

“If I’m not different, do you think he’ll admit that?” Joe had looked at her hard. “Please, you know him better than anyone,” she’d said. “And this is my whole life.”

After a moment, she’d seen the hard look melt from his face and something sad replace it. “God, you’re just a kid,” he’d said softly. Then he’d drawn in a deep breath. “Benny had a bad time when we were young … there were things that happened, that … closed down something inside him. I don’t know if he
could
care the way you’re talking about. Even if he wanted to.”

That was when Ellie realized she wasn’t as brave as she’d thought she was. This was hurting too much and she didn’t want to hear any more.

Joe must have seen that in her eyes, because he had added, “But he hasn’t had anyone else since he met you. And I’ve never seen him do that before. Certainly not for this long.”

When he’d said that, Ellie had felt fearless again. So fearless that later on, when she and Benny were alone, she’d asked him about the rumors she’d heard.

“Yes,” he’d said. “I’ve played around,” he’d said. “But this is different.”

“How many other girls have heard that from you?” she’d asked.

He’d had the grace to redden when he grinned. “Lots.” Then
he’d gotten serious. “But you—” He’d stopped, and she’d known he was picking his words carefully because he was trying to be honest. It seemed like he was trying to figure out his feelings for himself. “You’re good for me, Ellie,” he’d said finally.

Her heart had started to beat harder, but she couldn’t let him know that. “Thanks,” she’d said.

“Don’t laugh. You’ve got me thinking about things.”

The beating was so loud, now, there was no way he couldn’t hear it. “‘Things’? Like what?”

Instead of answering he’d kissed her, and after that there was no more talking. But she couldn’t forget the tantalizing words:
You’ve got me thinking about things
. She’d wanted to hear more about that.

Meanwhile, Joe was worrying about the future of the act. “Benny’s restless,” he said to Ellie. “I used to think it was because we weren’t headlining at the Palace, but it’s not that.”

It’s because of me
, Ellie thought.
He’s thinking about settling down
. And for days she felt like she was flying high above the world. But she had to be sure she was right about that, so one night, after she and Benny had made love, when they were lying next to each other and it was still hard to catch their breath, the question came out.

“You said I make you think about things—what did you mean?”

“I think about”—he paused, and then he went on slowly—“do I want to keep on running around the country playing the small-time for the rest of my life. Because that’s the only future for Masters and George, no matter what Joe says.”

That wasn’t what she had wanted to hear, and she felt like someone had burst her lovely hot-air balloon. She sat up and pulled the sheet around her.

“We’d do better if you’d work on new material with Joe and me,” she said tartly. “We need a new act….”

He sat up and covered himself too. “You think I don’t know
that? You bet that’s what we need—from the bottom up. But I’ve been through that before. I know how it’ll go.” He held up his fingers and ticked them off one by one. “First, we take a couple of weeks to lay off, with no money coming in, while we write all this new material. Second, we rehearse—still with nothing coming in—until we’re ready to try it out; that’ll take another three weeks at least. Then we get ourselves booked on the small small-time, playing tank towns for almost nothing, to break the act in and see how it goes over; say another three or four months. If we flop, we’re out of money, and it’s back to the old act until we can start over again. If the new act does work, we keep on booking on the small-time while we polish it. Say another three months.”

“You have to be patient.”

“That’s not me. It never was, and now”—he looked at her, and her heart started pounding again—“now I think it’s time for me to get serious.”

She waited for him to add the magic phrase
About you, Ellie
.

“I’m not a kid,” he went on. “Joe is nineteen, but I’m two years older. I’m tired of living in boardinghouses and two-bit hotels. I’m done with putting makeup on my collar when I’m between jobs so everyone will think I’m working, and I’m done with waiting for that one shot at the big-time.” He fixed his face in a silly smirk and made his voice go high and stupid.
“We killed them in this little hick town, next stop is the Palace,”
he said, in a mockery of every hopeful vaudevillian. “I don’t want that anymore.”

He still hadn’t said anything about her—or them—but he hadn’t taken his eyes off her either. “What do you want?” she asked breathlessly.

“Money. Respect. I want to be my own man.”

So I can be with you, forever
. That was what he should have said next. But he didn’t.

“We’re on the wrong end of the business, Ellie. It’s the theater
owners and the booking agents back in New York who have the right idea. We work like dogs and they have all the power. We’re dumb.”

He didn’t notice how hurt and mad she was becoming.

“Think about it,” he said. “The theater owners hire the bookers, and the bookers decide where we’re going to tour and how much we get paid. We don’t have anything to say about it because they all work together.”

It was a gripe Ellie had heard a million times. Vaudeville was dominated by two organizations: Keith’s and the Orpheum. Each had its own circuit of theaters and a staff of booking agents who hired the acts that played them. There were a few small independent circuits, but they didn’t really count for much. Keith’s and the Orpheum had a stranglehold on the industry. They dictated pay and working conditions for all but the biggest stars, and any performer who went against them could be blackballed and never work again. It was unfair, but it was nothing new, and Ellie couldn’t believe Benny was bringing it up now, when they should have been talking about themselves.

“Yes,” she said, disappointment making her voice harsh, “Keith’s and the Orpheum have a monopoly. So what?”

“So I’m thinking if a smart fellow had a chance to be a booker for Keith’s because he had some good friends in the organization who liked him and wanted to help him out, that might not be a bad thing.”

“You want to give up the act and work for management?”

He smiled that confident smile that made everything in the world seem possible. “You think I couldn’t make my way up the ladder? With my gift of gab?”

“But what about Joe?”
What about me?

“We still have a couple of months left on the tour, and I’m not
saying anything to Joe until it’s over. Don’t you say anything to him either. Because it isn’t set yet.”

Because you don’t want to face him. You’ll just walk away
, she thought. And for a second she knew that, even though she loved Benny, she didn’t trust him. That thought made her heart break.

Benny pulled her close. “Don’t look so sad. I told you, I’ve been thinking about all this because of you.” He paused for a second. “You’re different from the other girls I’ve known, Ellie.” At that, her heart had mended.

During the weeks that followed, Ellie felt badly about keeping Benny’s secret from Joe, but she had to stay loyal to Benny. Besides, Joe’s moods were getting even more sour as the end of their tour came nearer, so perhaps he knew what was up. She’d discovered that Joe was often more sensitive to the people around him than her beautiful Benny. So even though it didn’t feel quite honest, she kept her mouth shut. And then the time came when she had a lot more to worry about than being honest with Joe. Because now she had a secret of her own. A terrible secret.

CHAPTER 20

Ellie checked her watch: she had three more hours before she had to be downstairs in the lobby. That gave her time to lie down. Maybe she’d try to read. She’d been doing a lot of reading lately; it helped pass the time when she was alone.

There had been a time when she wouldn’t have been alone in her room on a pretty spring day. In the beginning, when she and Benny were newly in love, he would have been knocking on her door, calling out that this town had the best ice cream parlor—or candy shop, or lunch wagon—on the entire eastern seaboard, and he had to take her for a sundae or a hot dog right this minute, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She would giggle as she rammed on her hat and went out the door and into his arms. And he would scandalize anyone who happened to be in the hallway by kissing her like he never wanted to stop. Sometimes, instead of going out, they would rush back into her room and shut the door
until it was time to go to the theater. Other times they would run out of the hotel, giddy and laughing. But now Benny was avoiding her. He had been for two weeks.

Ellie put down her book and lay down on the bed. She’d rest for a while, she decided; maybe she’d even go to sleep. She was tired all the time now. But that would end this afternoon. And by tomorrow the morning sickness would end too. At least, she thought it would. She wasn’t sure what happened when you were carrying a child and you “got rid of it.” That was the way Benny had said it. “You’ve got to get rid of it, Ellie.”

But that was after they knew. First, he’d found a doctor for her to see and he’d gone with her. He’d said gentle, calming things to her on the bus trip to the doctor’s office, so she’d convinced herself that everything was going to be all right. She’d kept on telling herself that after the doctor gave them the news, even though Benny couldn’t meet her eyes. And he hadn’t looked at her once on the ride back to the hotel. She’d told herself she understood; it was only natural that he’d be upset, because having a baby wasn’t part of his plans. But he’d do the right thing. He’d take care of her.

Actually, he had said something close to that. “I’ll take care of the arrangements,” he’d told her, as he paced back and forth in her hotel room. She could see he was thinking fast, and the pacing reminded her of an animal trying to get out of its cage. “There’s a woman I know about in Poughkeepsie,” he’d continued. “It’s the next town over, and we can go on our day off. She’s a midwife, so she knows what she’s doing, and she’s clean and careful. You’ll be fine.” And then, his problem solved, he’d smiled at her. That was something he hadn’t done since she’d first told him what she suspected. But now, he did. And he’d taken her in his arms. “Poor kid,” he’d said gently. “You must be scared out of your mind. There’s nothing to it, you’ll see.” And she’d been too sick and shocked to ask how he knew that. In fact, she hadn’t said anything
at all. So he’d made the
arrangements
. And now, this afternoon, they were going to Poughkeepsie, where the clean, careful midwife who knew what she was doing would get rid of Ellie’s problem.