Losing Her (11 page)

You stared at me for a long moment as I tried to recount exactly what my words had been so I could try to find a way of explaining them. “Who in the hell do you think you are?” You began yelling at that point, likely drawing more attention to us, but I continued to not care. I knew to be fair to both of us, I had to allow you to remain pissed off at me. It would make it easier for me to avoid you, by you avoiding me is what I told myself as I fought the apology that wanted to come out in fifteen different sorry-ass ways.

“You don’t know anything about me! You think because some asshole pays attention to me that I should just spread my legs? That might be your game, but it sure as hell isn’t mine.”

That time it was me that felt like I’d been slapped in the face. You believed all the rumors from high school about me sleeping with all of those girls. Of course you had. Everyone did. I still wanted to apologize because even though you’d just dealt me an insult that you had no idea stung more than most others, you didn’t deserve the insinuation I’d delivered. Warring with my desire to apologize was the yearning to yell at you, and then an even stronger need to kiss you. The chaos happening to my emotions made my head feel like it was going to explode. I sometimes wonder if that’s how you feel when you start over analyzing all the shit you do.

My eyes fell to the ground because I couldn’t stare at you for another second without doing one of the three options my mind had settled on, knowing that if I did any of them, I’d regret it. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as you stood up and left. You didn’t turn to look back at me as you slid back into the house.

I had a half a mind to go track down Nathan Hudson and pummel him. If he hadn’t spoken to you, none of that shit would have happened! Then again, I wouldn’t have known what I did, which I was still working to understand.

“Miller, what’s up man?” I turned to see Joel and Carver, and tried to calm myself down.

“You alright, dude?” Joel asked as they stopped in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” My hand brushed across my hair a few times, feeling the slight residue of some sculpting hair shit I’d been using to try and stop the habit.

“I heard you were home. We just started a softball league and I was going to come by your place. We play games every weekend. It’s going to be the shit, dude. All kinds of guys that we used to play against are joining.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good time right now. I just moved back and two of my buddies are staying with me at my mom’s until we land ourselves a place up in San Diego. What are you guys doing here?”

“Lame, right?” I nodded in response to Carver’s question, but all I really wanted to do was find you.

“I saw you out here with Ace. What are you complaining about?” Joel jabbed me with his elbow. “Seriously, she gets hotter every time I see her. Are you guys …”

I shook my head as Carver offered me a cigarette that I refused with a wave of my hand. “Nah, she’s just my neighbor. I don’t really know her. She and Nathan Hudson exchanged some words. I was just checking to see what was going on.” I was working hard to believe those words myself, I thought maybe saying them aloud would help.

“What?” Carver’s eyes narrowed slightly as smoke billowed from his nostrils. I know you guys hung out a little your sophomore year, leading me to avoiding him for a while.

“It’s nothing. He’s just drunk.” I didn’t want Carver to try being your knight either.

“He fucked around with Kendall, remember? Ace hates him. Both of them do. If you want to go hammer some sense into him, we’ll help,” Carver offered me a deal that was so tempting, but as you know, I didn’t take him up on it. But his recollection reminded me of senior year. I remember hearing something about him and Kendall, but never cared to listen for the details. High school was a breeding ground for lies and half-truths. I knew that first hand. My need to find Jameson helped me brush off their offer. I was hoping he’d stopped listening to my advice and had sought out Kendall, giving me an easy excuse to at least be near you again.

“That’s alright. I think she can handle herself. I have to go though. I’ve got to find my friend.” I wonder if they saw my eagerness to get in the house? I really didn’t give a shit.

Kendall was the only one that I found. She was laughing and smiling at some guys I didn’t know along with some girls from school, but I saw her eyes stretch across the crowd numerous times. After I circled the house again, I was feeling slightly anxious when I couldn’t find Jameson or you. Kendall’s blue eyes stopped on mine and I swear her smile grew. She’s told me this before, but remembering the way her entire face lit up makes me feel pretty sure she somehow knew I was looking for you.

Unsure of where else Jameson could have gone I moved back outside and the first thing that caught my attention was your yellow pants again. Jameson was beside you along with Jess Finley. I was a little nervous, although I knew Jameson talked about Kendall, I knew he’d been interested in you when he pulled into your driveway. After the barbecue at your parents’ house, we’d left to meet some friends and Jameson assured me he would lay off of you, that he hadn’t known that I had feelings for you. I had told him he was full of shit but he just laughed and shook his head. As I approached you guys, I feared maybe he was reneging on his deal.

“She’s right. She wants you to fight for her attention.” I heard you tell Jameson, and I smiled a little to myself that you guys were discussing Kendall, making me regret not trusting J.

“I told you.” Your shoulders sank, but your eyes turned to mine with a challenge and spark of intensity. The thought of seeing how long you’d engage in the stare down intrigued me, but Jess interrupted the exchange when she threw her arm around me and called out my name in greeting.

“Hey, Jess.” Guilt punched my stomach for not having reached out to her in the past year. I should have. I owed it to Keith.

“Blondie giving you some good advice on what to do, or you ready to bounce?” I needed to get away from you already. I was wrong, I couldn’t be near you. The party was inflicting way too many emotions that I couldn’t deal with. I barely caught you glaring at me as my eyes scanned across the yard, also vaguely noticing Jess giving me a curious expression.

“Blondie wasn’t
offering
advice.” I have to tell you Ace, usually I find women unattractive once they get pissed. I don’t know why, but something about the way they become more aggressive and haughty generally makes them unappealing to me, but dammit if that ember of aggression you sent didn’t pique my interest.

“Max, do you know Ace?” I should have been looking at Jess as she asked me the question, but I was watching you.

I nodded. She knew we were neighbors. She’s even pointed the fact out to me numerous times when I used to spend time over at their house with Keith.

“Obviously not very well.” I turned and watched her tap her cigarette before looking at you. Something silently passed between the two of you, showing me your aged friendship. “Kendall’s the spitfire. Ace is the chill one.”

“Nate hit on me.” I was looking at your lips again, watching them purse. God, you have the most beautiful lips, Ace. “Max thinks I should just sleep with him, to make things
easier
for myself.” There was sarcasm in your tone, but a faint trace of something else that had me shaking my head imperceptibly in an attempt to focus.

Jess hit me for it, screeching, “What in the hell’s wrong with you? Just because she’s nice doesn’t mean she’s going to take your shit! And why in the hell are you trying to set anyone up with Nathan Hudson? You hate him.” I did hate him, and I felt a little guilt for rubbing him in your face now that I remembered he’d screwed with your sister.

Before I could respond, you cut in. “Thanks for defending my honor.” You smiled coyly and then bat your eyelashes in a mocking flirt before rolling your eyes with a quiet laugh that made my own lips tip upwards. “But I should check on my spitfire sister, make sure she doesn’t need a reminder on her limits. Plus, if she finds out I’m being all Benedict Arnold, she’ll take her vengeance out on my shoes.” You turned to Jess, and the scent of coconuts carried in the breeze. “Call me, I want to see you again before you head back to New York.”

“Hell yes! You’re one of the few people I was hoping to see. I’m just shocked to see you here of all places.” Her love for you was overtly clear and it made me once again regret my earlier words.

“Yeah, I’m still paying an old debt, otherwise you wouldn’t have.” This was before I knew you would have attempted to walk across the Pacific Ocean had your sisters asked enough times. “You should quit with the cancer sticks, you’re too pretty, and you’ve got a great laugh without the guttural cough.”

“I’m working on it,” Jess replied.

You smiled in response, then turned to Jameson, your eyes were warm and sincere. “She may be a spitfire and a pain in the ass at times, but she’s worth it.” My focus fell on his arm as your hand brushed across it, wondering what your touch felt like before sensing your gaze was on me. You gave me a timid smile before walking away. My eyes followed you like half of the others that were crowded around the backyard.

“I love your pants, Ace. They make your ass look amazing!” Jess yelled to you, confirming the fact.

“Stop, you’re making me blush.”

Jess elbowed me playfully in the side. “Don’t worry, I know that’s what you were thinking.”

I quickly shook my head, “He’s the one obsessed with a Bosse.”

“I saw you checking her out, don’t lie.”

“She’s hot. I checked her out,” I admitted, “but I’m not about to sign up for drama and all of the shit that goes along with those girls.”

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t know Ace?”

“That’s what I fucking said when I realized that he’s lived beside them for the past ten years and has never spoken to them. I didn’t realize just how crazy he was until that moment.” Jameson clasped a hand to my shoulder and then walked away. I knew without asking he’d gone to check on you girls.

“How can you live beside her and never have spoken to her?” Jess’s voice was accusing.

“I’ve spoken to her!” I retorted, too aggressively due to my thoughts still being mangled. “Just not very much,” I amended when she gave me that look you’ve told me about, the one that she gives better than so many people that says ‘you’re full of shit.’

Jess laughed, shaking her head. “Seriously, Max, if Keith were still here, I sure as shit would be beating you off of her with a bat so he could sweep her up because she’s one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve known her since we were five and I’ve never met someone nicer, sweeter, or more caring. To go with all that she’s funny as hell, smarter than you’ll believe, and she looks like that!” Her arm extended toward the door with emphasis. “What in the hell is wrong with you? Stop being an asshole before you ruin your chances. I can’t believe you told her to sleep with Nate fucking Hudson!”

I stared at her, working to suppress the borage of words that she’d managed to surface that wanted to both admit and deny my attraction to you. “Oh my God, you’re never going to make this work!” she growled.

“I don’t give a shit about her.”

“Then why are you out here listening to my advice?”

I ignored her question and changed the focus to why we’d never work. “She may be hot, but let’s face it, people that attend parties like this …” I looked around, shaking my head.

“Are you still dating your easy call girl?” You probably hate hearing this part the most, but Jess knew about Lacey.

“Why does that matter?”

“Challenge yourself, Max. We both know you’re never going to be happy with Lacey. And who are you to judge her for being here? You’re here too.”

“Dude, I thought you were coming! Ace is taking her home.” Jameson interrupted, saving me from having to tell another lie.

“That’s because Ace hates these parties,” Jess said factually. Her eyebrows raised like she was bored with me. “Didn’t you hear her, ‘paying a debt.’ She’s only attended like two parties here before. You don’t have a clue who she is.” She walked away from me as though I’d offended her.

“You’re talking to some chick about liking her before me?” Jameson’s eyes were wide with allegation. “Don’t look at me like that, you dick. I know you like Ace.”

I shook my head again and started heading toward the house. “It would never work. Let’s get out of here.”

We made it to the driveway and those damn bright yellow pants caught my attention again. Jameson attempted to hurry after you when Kendall slid slightly on the gravel, but you had her. Sometimes I think those narrow shoulders of yours carried the weight of all of your sisters and you never showed the slightest strain. I grabbed his arm to slow him down once again.

“He didn’t fight for me, Ace,” Kendall whined, leaning further against you.

Your voice was much quieter, and harder to hear with your back to us, “I think he was a little caught off guard.” You pried a Solo cup from Kendall’s hand and left it next to half a dozen other ones while still holding most of her weight.

“He doesn’t like me,” Kendall insisted.

“He likes you. You’re just turning him in circles. I don’t think he knows which way is up right now.”

“You really think he likes me?”