Losing Her (20 page)

Waiting was already hard, pun intended. What you did that night nearly broke me. I had started to realize you never knew the full effect you had on others from spending so much time with you that summer, but watching you then, seeing the hesitation, and nerves on your face like you thought I’d be disappointed, made me want to worship you and show you exactly what I thought of you in that moment. How did you not know? How did you not know that I’d have done anything for you, and everything to prove how much I cared for you.

“Afraid I’ll bite?” I’m sure your hands were restlessly moving, as much as I wish I’d have paid attention to every single detail in that second, you being naked was a shock I wasn’t expecting and I was distracted. Even though your words were a joke, your tone was uneven, confirming your nerves.

“I’m kind of hoping you do.” My admission made you laugh and I saw a small piece of your self-consciousness drift away with it.

Obviously, we didn’t do anything that night. I wanted to. God, I wanted to. But you’d been drinking, and we were less than thirty feet from both Jameson and Landon. You gave me a valiant pout, but seconds after your head rested against my chest once I’d stripped off my shirt and jeans, you were out cold.

The next morning you didn’t even shift when I slid free. I nearly didn’t. You always slept nestled against me, conforming to me, but that night you were clutched to my side. Holding me like you never wanted to let go. You were warm, and even though you’d been in the lake, I could smell the familiar scent of coconut from your shampoo. But I heard Jameson moving around, quietly grumbling and swearing and it was his birthday, so I was worried something had gone wrong.

My clothes were back on when your arm moved, sliding along the spot I’d just vacated, making me regret getting up. I remember your skin looking so soft and smooth with the sunlight streaming through the screen. Jameson started rambling about something again, so I carefully leaned forward so I wouldn’t disturb you, and covered your exposed shoulder with the sleeping bag. I paused for a second and then pressed a kiss to your forehead while breathing deep through my nose to smell you. This probably sounds weird, but I love way you smell in the morning. When your body is warm from the blankets and being pressed against me, you smell like heaven. I’d pushed up on my forearms to sit up and caught sight of the curve of your neck as you breathed. I can still see you like that. Measure the way your chest rose, and your eyelashes brushed your cheeks, and how your hair glowed a lighter blond with the sun. I kissed you once more and reluctantly crawled out to find Jameson.

His hair was ruffled and sticking up, and he looked exhausted and as grouchy as a black bear being woken up in December.

“Sleep well, sunshine?”

He scowled at me as he dropped into a lawn chair and released a loud yawn. “Between the goddamn birds and Kendall’s drunk snore, I feel like I barely slept.” He rubbed his eyes a couple of times to wipe the sleep away. “I didn’t realize she had drank
so much
last night. She’s out like a rock this morning.”

“Yeah, they got up and decided to party without us last night.”

“What?” The shock in his voice made me laugh.

“They got plastered and went skinny-dipping in the lake.” I nodded my head in the direction of the water that looked so peaceful and pristine. Calm, as if she hadn’t seen you two Bosse women frolicking naked in her arms.

“Are you shitting me?”

My head shook, trying to hide my grin as I started making coffee.

“Let me get this straight, you got to see my girlfriend and your girlfriend, naked, for my birthday? You lucky fucker.”

“How did you not hear the screaming?” Landon asked, rubbing a hand over his tired face.

Jameson looked from me to Landon. “You saw them too?”

Landon smirked in confirmation, and Jameson threw his hands up in the air, looking toward the sky. “What the hell? It’s my birthday!”

T
he doorbell rings as I’m putting the jelly back in the fridge. I hate myself a little more as my heart races and my breath catches with the same hope that I’ve been holding on to for the last month, since I watched
her
pull out of her driveway without looking back.

Muriel faces me as I open the door, looking immaculate as always. You’d never know that her husband unexpectedly passed away only two months ago. When she smiles at me, her neck stretches and her blue eyes drop, exposing holes in her perfect façade.

“Do you have a moment, Max? I’d like to talk to you.”

I take a step back, allowing her to enter without saying a word. I haven’t seen Muriel since before Ace left. I have no idea what she wants to say, but I know I can’t take another failed promise.

She leads us into the living room without looking to see if I’m following, which I am because that small bit of hope that seems to die a little each day, refuses to be smothered.

Muriel takes a seat on the love seat. She’s perched on the very edge of the cushion, looking like she’s prepared to get up and run at any second.

My heart hammers in my chest as I watch her face give me the most miniscule of hints as to why in the hell she’s decided to finally come over. Slowly, I sink into the chair across from her, realizing she’s waiting for me to take a seat before she begins. Her and those damn manners … I wonder if they taught her to find a new husband as soon as the first one passes away in all of those cotillion classes she talks about.

“It’s my fault, Max.” Her voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it and filled with more pain than she exposed through the entire month after David’s death.

My eyes snap to her face, and I watch as her eyes rove around the room, landing on everything around where I’m sitting, but never on me. Everything in me wants to scream, “what?” and find out exactly what she’s referring to. Her eyes slowly fill with tears, and she swallows, looking almost pained by the simple act.

“What’s your fault?” I gently coax.

“She’s so upset with me. She doesn’t understand. I can’t mourn. I tried to make her see, I tried to explain it to her, but I didn’t know how to.” Muriel stops and stares at her fingernails, rubbing each of her nails with her thumbs.

“I don’t understand,” I say, shaking my head.

“Ace loves you, but she already thought she’d lost you, or at least thought she was going to lose you. I …” She stops again and glances up to my face and then back to her hands with a look of shame.

My chest heaves with heavy breaths from the anticipation stirring inside of me. My eyes are stretched wide, waiting to hear more as I work to piece her random admission together. I rub my hands over my head a few times, trying to keep my mind reeled in from where it wants to dive down into my depths of hoping she isn’t really running from me. That this all is just some giant, screwed-up misunderstanding.

“I told her she would understand why I need Steven once you moved on,” she finishes in a whisper.

“I wasn’t … what! I wasn’t going anywhere!” I cry incredulously as I stand up from my chair. My arms bend over my head as my fists clench in frustration. “I just needed to sort things out!”

“I didn’t think you guys would survive. Ace was always running from you, and you followed her. I thought at one point that you’d follow her to the ends of the earth. But after your last big fight, when you never came, I heard her talking to David. She was upset, telling him how she’d attempted to reach out to you, and how you wouldn’t allow her. I think she realized at that time how much effort you had applied. I think the fact that not only were you not coming after her, but were pushing her away, spoke volumes to her.”

I shake my head angrily. I think she thinks I’m telling her to stop talking, because she does and looks a little caught off guard.

“He knew. He knew that I couldn’t stop. Even if I had wanted to hate her, I couldn’t. Please tell me he told her that.”

Muriel’s eyes focus on me for a moment and then look back at her lap as her head shakes ever so slightly. “I don’t know what he said to her, Max. He started speaking to her in French, and although David had tried teaching me French several times over the years, I never picked it up.”

We both sit in silence as I angrily stew over the fact that the only person Ace would ever fully reveal her hand to is now dead and can’t tell us or help her.

“I tried to make things right.” Her voice goes higher, turning into a plea. “When she told me she was leaving, I explained to her that you love her … I tried.”

“You had just told her that I was going to move on!”

She sniffles and wipes a tear from her eye, one that looks nothing like the tears I’ve seen her shed in the past. This one has her eyes turning a bright, angry red and her hands shaking. “I know,” she whispers.

“I’ll go,” I resolve.

Muriel shakes her head. “She’s made herself very clear. She wants time and space. I don’t even know where she lives. She won’t talk to me.” The small holes in her act begin to grow as her face contorts in pain. “I don’t know where my baby is.” Her hands cover her face as ragged breaths fall from her.

The last thing I want to do is comfort the person that has caused my world to cease to exist as I know it, but I do. I walk to her side and sit a little further back on the cushion next to her, and pull her against me. I watch Muriel Bosse mourn for the loss of her child, and I’m pretty sure the fact that her own world has ceased to exist as well.

The next day when I face Kendall for the first time since I threw the glass and demanded that she leave, I learn that no one knows where Ace has gone. I propose that we devise a plan to find her, certain with all of us we can figure it out. Caulder has police connections, Kendall and Mindi can badger anyone into eventually giving up information, Kyle’s already prepared to fly over there and start going door to door. Landon and Jameson join in our efforts, along with my mom. Adam also tries to offer assistance, noting that he has multiple friends in the Northeast and could reach out to the different universities in the region. I don’t know if his interest to help begins with the same goal as the rest of us, but he seems genuine with the intent of finding her. We all want to find her. We all need to find her.

“Delaware is one of the smallest states, someone has to know her!” Kendall quips as she surfs through another unsuccessful internet search, looking for anything tied to her. We’ve been searching for weeks now.

“We should just go,” Kyle repeats, cracking his neck to relieve tension as Mindi stands to check on the two older girls while Sawyer swings beside their kitchen table we’re gathered around.

“Maybe we just need to respect her wishes right now. The more we question her, the more she pulls away.” Savannah slides back from the table, folding her arms across her chest.

“What are you saying?” Kendall’s eyes flare, filled with a fire that looks ready to break free.

Savannah shakes her head. Her eyes focus on the chandelier hanging over us. “I’m done. I’m not looking for her anymore. It’s been six weeks that we’ve been doing this. When she wants to be found she’ll come to us.”

“You’re giving up on her?” Kendall shrieks. “Do you think she’d give up on you? You know she wouldn’t. She’d never give up on us.”

“Kendall she isn’t Ace right now!”

Kendall’s eyes glaze with tears and her chin trembles, but she purses her lips, fighting the sadness with the fire I’d seen. Jameson intercepts her, pulling her to his chest as she thrashes and shakes her head.