Losing Me Finding You (4 page)

15th May 1989

Thirteen years old

“Come on, Evie,” my mum says. “Stop dragging your feet, sweetheart, I won’t be long.”

We’re at Tesco’s buying some groceries for the dinner party my mum is throwing tonight. It’s been just over a year since I woke up not understanding where I was and for the most part, it’s been okay. My family is nice, even if we don’t spend a lot of time together. Today’s shopping trip is what usually classifies as
family time
, but for the most part, I’m okay with that.

“Do me a favour,” Mum says, turning to face me. “How about you go and get these things, and I’ll go and get the rest. Meet me at the check-outs in ten minutes and we’ll be done, okay?”

I look up at her, knowing she means well. She knows I don’t really want to be here, that I’m only doing it because I know it’s the only way we can spend time together. And I do want to spend time with her; I just want it to be doing something fun. Not grocery shopping.

“Evie?” she asks.

“Okay,” I say, looking down at my feet.

I feel an arm wrap around my shoulder and I look up surprised. Mum is standing beside me, smiling. But it’s a sad smile and I immediately feel bad, knowing that it’s not her fault that she and Dad work such long hours. “Come on,” she says squeezing my shoulder. “Let’s get this done and then we’ll go and grab a hot chocolate together, sound good?”

I nod, taking the list of things she’s holding for me and wander off to the dairy aisle. I’m searching the fridge section trying to find the items she’s asked for. I picked up a basket on the way, which is now slung over my arm and I’m not really paying attention to where I’m going. That’s when I slam into a hard body.

I look up.

I blink in surprise.

And then my heart stops.

“Evie?” is all he says.

And with that one word, a million memories all come rushing back as I stare at the boy, who is almost a man, standing in front of me. He’s wearing a Tesco’s shirt, as though he works here, and I can’t stop staring at him.

“Evie?” he repeats and I can’t say anything, can only nod.

Ben takes one step towards me and pulls me into a hug, crushing me against his chest as we stand in the dairy aisle of my local Tesco’s. He’s still taller than me, but he’s bigger in other ways now.

“I can’t believe you’re back,” he says. “Why didn’t you call me, where have you been, Evie? Where did you go?”

I pull back realising he has no idea what happened to me. I didn’t get the chance to tell him that last day we were together because I was too scared. And then I ran out of time.

Oh no.

Time.

The beeping of my watch.

Standing at the window trying to answer Ben’s question.

He saw; he saw everything that happened that night.
Oh god, I disappeared right in front of him.

I swallow as I look up at him. Ben lets go of me, as if he remembers he’s at work and hugging customers is not exactly the right thing to do.

“Evie?” he repeats and I realise I still haven’t answered him.

“Um,” I say, sounding like a complete idiot.
Why am I so nervous?
This is Ben. The boy who walked me to school, the boy who promised to look after me, and the boy who rescued my cat. But he’s also the boy who kissed me and the boy who asked me to be his girlfriend.

And that makes me very nervous. Because now I’ve remembered everything, I wonder if Ben remembers everything too? Does he remember the last thing he asked me before I disappeared? He saw me disappear…oh god.

I take a deep breath as I finally meet his eyes. “Hi, Ben,” I say, trying to make my voice sound normal.

Ben’s mouth lifts in a half smile as he answers, “Hey, Evie.”

We stand staring at each other and I can’t help but feel like time is running out again. I need to meet my mum, I need to get the things she’s asked me to get and go and find my mum.

“I, um…so…” I don’t know what to say, how to even start explaining this.

“Where have you been?” Ben asks. It’s the most obvious question, but it’s also the one I don’t know how to answer. “Where did you go that night, Evie?”

“Evie?” I hear my mum say and as much as I want to stay, I know I need to go. I look up at Ben. “What time do you finish work?” I quickly ask, not wanting this to be over yet.

“What?”

“Work,” I repeat. “What time do you finish? I can meet you somewhere, anywhere. I’ll explain everything, I promise.” My words are a rush, all the things I wanted to say two years ago, on the verge of spilling out of me now. Suddenly, I need him to understand, to know what happened. Suddenly, I just want to tell Ben everything.

Ben stares at me. “I finish at four,” he says. “I can meet you wherever.”

I’m calculating the best place between my house and Tesco’s. “How about the park over on Finbury Road?” I ask him. “I can meet you there at four?”

Ben’s nodding at me before I’ve even finished my sentence. “Promise,” he says as I take a step backwards. “Promise me you’ll be there, that you won’t disappear.”

I nod at him. “I promise,” I say, just as my mum says, “Oh, there you are, come on sweetie, we need to go.”

I watch as Ben looks up at my mum. The shock is obvious, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. He turns back to me and I’m begging him not to ask the question, not here where she might hear him.

“Your mum,” he whispers. “She’s…?”

I nod, raising a finger to my lips to silence him. “I know,” I whisper back. “I’ll explain,” I add on and then I quickly turn and walk towards my mum, knowing I haven’t found a single thing that she’s asked me to get.

But I have found what I’ve been missing all this time.

I get to the park at three-thirty, not wanting to risk missing Ben. I couldn’t bear it if he thought I’d disappeared on him again. I’m lucky I’ve found him so quickly and I can’t believe after all this time that he’s been so close. I remember where his house is now; can remember where I used to live and the family I used to have before this one. I wonder what happened to that house and to those people. I wonder what happened when they woke up and I was no longer sleeping in my bed.

I climb up onto the monkey bars and wait. The sun is shining and it’s still warm. Just after four, I see Ben walking towards the park. He’s carrying a backpack and he has a jumper tied around his waist. I can’t stop the smile as I watch him walking towards me. He’s so grown up now.

Ben doesn’t say anything as he climbs up and sits beside me. I watch as he opens his bag, pulling out two bottles of coke and two chocolate bars. He hands one of each to me and we both sit in silence as we eat our snack. He’s close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body, but not close enough that we are touching.

It’s funny, but it feels weird to be with him again. It’s a good weird though, because now that I remember him, I can remember all of the things I like about him. I remember that Ben is my best friend and that he’s been my best friend in my other lives too. I can’t believe I could ever forget this.

But, for the first time since I’ve known Ben, I’m feeling a little strange about being around him again. Watching him walk towards me, having him sit so close to me now, the memory of his hug in the supermarket. It’s making my chest tighten and my heart beat a little faster than usual. I don’t understand it. I don’t get what’s going on here.

“What happened that night, Evie?” Ben eventually asks me, his legs swinging beneath him.

I’m staring at his feet wondering how I’m supposed to answer that question. He saw for himself what happened, I disappeared. I don’t know how much more information I can give him, because I don’t really know much more either. I still haven’t worked out why this happens to me.

Ben is still waiting for my answer, so I take a deep breath and just say the most obvious thing I can. “I disappeared.”

“Yeah, I know that, silly,” he says, his foot gently kicking mine. “I saw it happen, remember?”

“You did,” I repeat, wondering how the hell he can be so calm about it all. I mean I
disappeared
.

“You were watching me that night, Evie. You know I saw it happen.”

Only now though. Only now that I’ve remembered he exists at all do I remember all of the things that came before. “Yeah, about that,” I say, finally looking up at him.

“What?” Ben asks, his eyes meeting mine. He looks completely serious, as though he really wants to know what happened to me and doesn’t find any of this strange. I’m not quite sure how it is we are having a conversation about me disappearing right in front of him without one of us freaking out.

“I don’t remember,” I tell him quietly.

“What do you mean?” His voice is soft, as though he doesn’t want to scare me.

I take a deep breath as I try to put my confusion into words. “I disappeared,” I repeat. “But when I disappear, I wake up in a different life and I don’t remember anything that came before it,” I say, my eyes back to staring at our feet. “I just know that it’s somehow different to the life I had before, but that’s all.”

“Wait, hang on,” he says. “When you disappear and wake up somewhere else, you don’t remember where you were the night before?”

I shake my head even though I’m not looking at him. “No, I don’t remember
anything
from before,” I tell him, wondering if he’s going to ask the obvious question next.

I feel Ben’s fingers as they gently touch mine and when I look at our hands, which are side by side on the bench between us, I can see his little finger is wrapped around mine. “But you remember me,” he says quietly. “Both times it’s happened, you remember me as soon as you see me.”

I exhale loudly. Ben’s smart, of course he’s going to ask the right questions. And he’s almost right. “I do remember you,” I tell him, still staring at our feet. “But I don’t as well.”

“I don’t get it,” he says. “What do you mean, you don’t as well?”

I lift my eyes to his, wishing I could explain this in a way that makes sense. “When I go, Ben, I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember my previous life or any of the things about it. I wake up the next day, knowing something is different, that this isn’t the life I had the day before, but I don’t remember how or why.” I stop and take another deep breath before I continue. This is the weirdest part because it’s the part that really doesn’t make any sense. “And I don’t remember you at all,” I say quietly.

“But when you see me, you do,” Ben says, sounding even more confused. “You remember me straightaway. I saw it happen today, Evie. I saw it happen last time when we moved next door to you, that’s what happened back then, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I know. When I
see
you, I do remember you,” I tell him, ignoring the last part of what he said.

“But what, you don’t remember me until you see me?”

“Right,” I say, nodding at him.

“Huh,” Ben says, staring down at our joined hands again. “So does anything else happen when you see me?” he asks, surprising me. It’s not the question I expected him to ask.

“Yeah,” I say quietly, my heart pounding so loudly in my chest, I wonder if he can hear it too. “When I do finally see you and remember you, everything else comes back as well. All of the things I’ve forgotten, all of the things that came before, they all suddenly come flooding back. You…” I say, ducking my head now so he can’t see my face. “You make me remember
everything
, Ben.”

I feel like my cheeks have turned bright red. I don’t even know why I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’ve just told Ben he is the key to unlocking my memories. It’s the truth and even though I can’t explain it, I can’t change it either.

Ben doesn’t say anything for ages and eventually, I have to look at him. When I do, I find him staring at me with the strangest expression on his face. He’s confused, but there’s a bigger part of him that’s intrigued and there’s a tiny smile on his face too, almost as though he’s happy.

“So I make you remember everything?” he finally says.

I nod, unable to take my eyes off him. “You do.”

He smiles at my answer. “But if you can’t remember me to begin with, how do you remember me when you see me then?” he asks.

I shrug, even though I know exactly how. I’m not embarrassed anymore. Ben is being surprisingly cool about the whole thing and I know he would never make fun of me about this. He might tease me from time to time, but it’s not to be mean. Ben just isn’t like that. And right now, he’s genuinely interested in trying to work this all out.

“I don’t really know,” I eventually say. “When you moved next door to me and I heard your voice for the first time, it sounded familiar, but I still didn’t remember. Then as soon as I saw you, I did. Same as today. As soon as I see you, it all comes back. Everything I’ve forgotten, suddenly comes back,” I say, my voice a whisper. “And it’s all because of you.”

Ben says nothing, just stares at me as though he’s trying to make sense of it all. “I wonder if it’s only seeing me,” he eventually says. “I mean hearing my voice didn’t make you remember, right?”

“No,” I tell him. “It was familiar, but it didn’t make me remember you. I guess if I’d listened for longer, maybe it would, but who knows. What else could make me remember do you think?”