Losing Me Finding You (8 page)

7th November 1992

Sixteen years old

“I really wish you weren’t going back to them,” Ben says, holding my hand as we both stand in front of my new house. New is a generous way of putting it. Really it’s just another council house, only in an even shittier estate, if that’s at all possible. Our old place is currently unlivable, and because my parents seem to have gotten away with almost killing me, I’m still stuck living with them. At least this one is a single story so the chances of me getting trapped are reduced. I am without Sarah though, who no longer lives across the road from me.

But I have Ben, and that is worth everything.

“I know, me too,” I say quietly.

“You don’t have to, you know,” Ben says turning to face me.

I turn to him, step into his arms as I wrap mine around his waist. “Yeah I do,” I say. “This is my home and they
are
my parents, Ben.” Ben’s arms tighten as he looks to the sky, his face frustrated. “It will be okay,” I tell him, pulling him closer.

“I don’t know, babe,” he says, looking down at me now. “It hasn’t been okay so far.”

I lean in, rest my head against his chest because I know he’s right and there really isn’t anything I can say to convince either of us of anything different. My life with these people is shit, has been shit, and continues to be shit. Right now, Ben and his family are the only good thing I have and I’m eternally grateful that I’ve found them again.

I feel Ben lean down, his lips in my hair as he kisses the top of my head. “Well you might have to live here,” he eventually says, his hands sliding up to cup my cheeks, tilting my head so I have to look at him. “But you can certainly spend every minute you’re awake at my house, okay?”

I smile at him. “You sure your parents will be happy about that?”

Ben laughs. “Are you kidding me, they love you, Evie, of course they won’t mind.”

“I love you, Ben,” I say without even thinking about the words I’m saying out loud for the very first time. I don’t even know where they’ve come from. We’ve only just found each other again and so much has happened.

But so much time has been lost too.

And I need to say it, because time will run out again too. I might have Ben now, we might have found our way back to each other, but
when
I lose him again, I need him to know. I need him to know I feel this way.

Ben stops smiling now, his face completely serious as he says, “I love you too, Evie.”

I swallow hard as I stare back at him. My heart is pounding in my chest at the words he’s said back to me. It all seems so easy between us, so perfect despite our separation. But I know that it’s not; it can’t be when I keep disappearing on him all the time.

“How do we do this, Ben?” I whisper, wishing we could find a way to stop it all, to just stop time. “How do we…”

Ben leans in to kiss me, silencing my words before he gently rubs his nose against mine. “We do what we always do, baby. We make the most of every day we have together, and we forget about all the rest.”

“But what about when I…” I can’t even say the words out loud, but it doesn’t matter, we both know what I was going to say.

Ben stares at me. “Then we just wait until we find each other again, Evie. It’s as easy as that.”

I reach up and grab hold of the front of his jumper, my fingers tightening in the thick material as though I’m never going to let it go. “Can you do that, though?” I whisper. “Can you really keep waiting for me all the time?”

Ben smiles now, his hand reaching out to tuck strands of hair behind my ear. We’re standing on the street at five o’clock in the evening. I’ve just gotten out of hospital and my parents are nowhere to be found. Even though Sarah came to visit, it’s Ben who stayed with me and it’s Ben who is bringing me home.

“Yeah, Evie, I can do that,” he says, kissing me again. “I’d wait forever for you, you know.”

My eyes close as I tighten my fingers even more, pulling him against me as I crush my lips against his.

He is so worth looking for.

16th November 1992

Sixteen years old

“Come on, Ben!” Sarah shouts as we stand on the sidelines watching his football match. It’s bloody freezing but it beats being at home. “Let’s go, hot stuff!” she yells, making me shake my head in embarrassment. They’ve only known each other for twelve days, ever since she came to visit me in the hospital and saw him there.

It was weird trying to explain it all and I’m not entirely sure that Sarah believed our story of meeting by chance when he was visiting someone else, but we seem to have gotten away with it. She really likes him and I think more than anything, she’s just glad to see me smiling for a change.

I see Ben laugh as he runs past and I know he hears what Sarah’s calling out. He probably loves it too. “Come on, Evie,” she says elbowing me in the ribs. “Cheer your boy on.”

I turn to look at her, smile at her words, before I turn back to the match. I don’t understand much about football, only that it takes forever to play one game and it still seems to end with no one scoring a goal. I don’t get why Ben loves it so much. But, I don’t mind watching him play it because
he’s
definitely nice to look at.

He’s changed so much since my previous life. Grown up, bulked out, become a man. He’s also just turned eighteen and somehow he’s changed in other ways too.

Sarah and I clap and cheer as Ben kicks the ball to one of his teammates who finally manages to put it in the goal. I watch as Ben looks towards us and flashes one of his cheeky grins before he runs towards the other guy and they do some kind of macho dance thing to rub it in to the other team. My stomach flips at the sight of him, all lean muscle and long limbs. He’s so much taller than me now and I love it. Love it when he wraps his arms around me and pulls my body against his.

“Geez, Evie, you look as though you’re mentally undressing him right now,” Sarah says, waving her hand in front of my face.

Ben gives me a wink before I drag my eyes off him and turn to look at Sarah. “What?” I murmur, as I feel my cheeks turning red.

“You, the way you’re looking at him,” Sarah says gesturing between me and Ben. “It’s like you’re eye-fucking him on the field or something.”

“Pitch, Sarah,” I tell her, “and I’m so
not
eye-fucking him.”

Sarah laughs as she says, “Well are you at least really fucking him then?”

“Sarah!” I say, lightly punching her shoulder. “What the hell?”

Sarah laughs again, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as she pulls me closer. “What, I’m just curious is all,” she says, bumping my hip with hers. “You two sure are close for two people who only met a couple of weeks ago, so I just figured, you know…” she trails off as her attention is taken by a member of the other team faking injury and falling to the ground.

I’m glad, because I’m not sure how to explain to Sarah that I’ve actually known Ben my whole life. In some ways it’s good that I can’t, because I’m sure she’d assume this means we were definitely sleeping together, even though we aren’t.

“So,” she says, her focus back on me now. “Are you fucking that gorgeous man of yours or what?”

I roll my eyes, knowing there’s no chance she’s going to drop this. “No, I’m not,” I say, turning back to watch Ben again.

“How come?” she asks.

I shrug, watching as he laughs at something that’s happened, one of his teammates slapping him on the back at whatever it was. “I don’t know really.”

“But you want to?” she asks, her fingers tightening on my shoulder. “I mean it’s not like you’re unsure or anything, is it?”

“No, I’m sure,” I tell her. Ben is the one thing I
am
sure about, in all of the craziness I’m forced to live through.

“So, why don’t you then?”

I take a deep breath and turn back to my friend. She’s staring at me, a kind look on her face and I know the teasing is over, that this is just a conversation between two friends. “I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I guess it just hasn’t happened yet.”

“Well, you could always make it happen, Evie,” she says, smiling at me. “Take charge, he’ll love it.”

I burst out laughing at both the look she’s giving me, and the idea that Ben would love it if I just threw myself at him. He would, I know he would, and the thing is, I’d do it too. I do want to sleep with him. I’m not scared about it because I love him, I’ve always loved him, and I know that no matter what happens, he will always love me. He’s the one person in this world that just
gets
me and he’s the only person in this world who knows what I go through. I don’t know why it’s not happened between us yet.

Maybe because we’ve only just found each other again or maybe because both of us are waiting for the other one to start things. Who knows.

“Go on,” Sarah says, bumping my hip again. “I dare you.”

“Oh,” I say, laughing at her. “In that case, how can I not.”

“Pfft,” she says, gesturing towards Ben now. “You have a boyfriend who looks like that, Evie, I’m wondering how you haven’t already?!”

I can only shake my head at her as I start to wonder the same thing.

An hour later and Ben and I are walking back to his house, hand in hand.

“You’re awfully quiet, babe, what’s going on?”

I glance up at him; see him looking down at me, his backpack slung over his shoulder and our joined hands swinging between us. Ben smiles before turning back to the path in front of us. I keep looking at him, taking in as much as I can. Even though he is as familiar as he always is when I finally remember him, looking at him now, after everything Sarah and I talked about, it’s almost like I’m seeing him for the very first time. Because I don’t just see the Ben that I remember and love, I see the Ben he’s become in the time we’ve been apart too.

The Ben who would do anything for me, who gives me somewhere to be so I don’t have to go home to the place that I can’t be. The Ben who waits for me, looks after me, protects me without smothering me.

The Ben who loves me.

“Evie,” he says, squeezing my hand. “What are you thinking about, I can hear you from here.”

“You,” I blurt out, not even bothering to hide it.

Ben smiles as he lets go of our hands and slings his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. He’s wearing a jumper over his jersey now, but I can still smell the faint traces of sweat from his game. “What about me?” he asks, a cheeky grin on his face as though he likes my answer.

I smile up at him. “I don’t know,” I say, shrugging as if it’s no big deal. “Just how good you looked playing today, I guess.”

Ben laughs and it’s deep and warm and unleashes a thousand butterflies inside me. “Wow, that’s out of the blue,” he says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

“What?” I ask.

He squeezes my shoulder, pulling me closer as he leans down to whisper, “You, checking me out. I didn’t know you did that, Evie Wakefield.”

The butterflies must be flapping against my heart now, because it’s pounding in my chest. Hard beats against my rib cage as though it’s trying to break free. “You didn’t?” I ask, wondering how he could possibly have missed it.

“No,” Ben says, pressing a kiss behind my ear. “I didn’t, but I definitely like that you do.”

My eyes close as I feel my body melt against his. “Yeah?” I breathe out, turning to liquid in his arms.

“Yeah I do, Evie,” he says, his lips still against my skin. “I like it a lot.”

I stop walking, suddenly unable to move as I register exactly
what
I want to do with this man. I want to
be
with him, and be with him in ways that I’ve never been before. I want to know what he feels like, what he tastes like. What he really looks like. And I want it now.

“What?” Ben says, his arm still around my shoulder as he stops and stares down at me.

I smile up at him, try to get my breathing under control as I ask, “Do you do it to me?”

Ben wraps his other arm around me, pulling me into him. My hand reaches for his jumper, gripping the fabric on his chest as I hold him to me. “All the time, Evie,” he says, the smile gone as he stares down at me. “I don’t think I ever stop looking at you.” And then he leans in and kisses me.

We eventually make it back to Ben’s house, the rest of our trip spent in a comfortable, but charged, silence. I don’t know about Ben, but the only thoughts running through my mind had to do with the look on his face as he told me he never stops looking at me. And now that he’s said it, I realise just how true it is. I thought in this life, I was the one constantly staring at him, marveling at the thought that I’d not only found him again, but that he was still mine, just as he promised. But now that I think about it, every time I do look at him, he is always already looking at me.

Just the thought that he does that, that he is staring at me like I often find myself staring at him, was enough to keep all of those butterflies going for the whole trip home.

“I gotta take a shower,” Ben says as we walk up the stairs to his room.

“Okay,” I say, swallowing hard. I take the backpack from his shoulder and Ben leans in to kiss me again before walking towards the bathroom at the end of the hall. Every single part of me is itching to follow him down there. To follow him into that room and close the door behind us so I can do all of the things that I now know I’ve been wanting to do forever.

“Hey, Evie,” Rachel says, just as I’m about to walk after him and do exactly that.

I turn and see Ben’s sister as she sticks her head out her bedroom door. “Hey, Rach.”

“What are you doing?”

I shrug, throwing Ben’s backpack into his room before walking into Rachel’s. My chance is lost now, there’s no way I can walk after Ben when his sister is here, especially not now that she knows we are both back. I can’t risk her asking what I’m doing, or worse still, telling his parents. I might want Ben like crazy right now, but I also know that going after him in his parents’ house with his younger sister around, is not a smart move.

“Not much; I just watched Ben play football.”

“Yuck,” she says, sitting on her bed. “It’s freezing out there.”

Funny, I don’t remember feeling the cold at all. Thinking about it, I felt nothing but warmth, especially when Ben wrapped me in his arms on the way home and said those words to me. Those words that are running in a continuous loop in my head right now. God, what I wouldn’t give to be able to walk down the hall and into that bathroom.

But I don’t. Instead, I hang out with Rachel while Ben takes his shower and I try not to think about him in there. We sit on her bed, flicking through
Hello!
magazines and commenting on all of the latest celebrity fashion and gossip. Despite the interruption, I do really like Ben’s sister and I’m glad that we get on so well.

Suddenly I hear the bathroom door open and I can’t help myself as I lift my eyes from the page to the open doorway of Rachel’s bedroom. About two seconds later, Ben walks past, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He glances in as he walks by and immediately his eyes lock onto mine. I stare, unable to move, as my boyfriend stops and stares back at me, his bottom lip between his teeth as he watches me blatantly checking him out.

I’m struggling to stay on the bed, my fingers are desperate to reach out and touch all of that bare skin I’m now seeing. I’ve seen Ben without a shirt on before, plenty of times in the summer when we’ve gone to the local pool, or even when we’ve just sat around in the backyard.

But all of that was in a different life.

And all of that was in a life when Ben didn’t look like he does now.

His skin is still damp from the shower, tiny water droplets sliding over his smooth skin. There’s hair on his chest now, a dark patch that matches the hair on his head, and as my eyes slide lower, I notice a trail of dark hair from his belly button to somewhere below the towel. Just the thought of where that trail goes makes me swallow hard. And as I force my eyes back up to Ben’s face, I catch the way his eyes darken in response, as though he’s read my mind and all of the thoughts now swirling around in there. He’s still staring at me as he cocks his head in the direction of his bedroom. It’s like he’s asking me to follow him in there, as though he doesn’t have any control over what’s happening between us either.

I’m halfway off the bed, ready to find out what would happen if I did.

“Oh my god, look at what this cow is wearing,” Rachel suddenly says, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her.

I fall back onto the bed, the spell broken. As I glance back at Ben, I see him exhale, a hand reaching up and running through his wet hair, only emphasising all of the muscles in his chest. I’m halfway off the bed again when Rachel squeezes my arm, oblivious to what’s going on between me and her brother.

“Evie, look, can you believe it?”

Ben gives me a tight smile, as though he knows we’ve lost this opportunity, before he turns away and disappears into his bedroom. I force myself to focus on whatever it is that Rachel’s trying to show me, knowing my mind is really on the man in the room next door to us.

But as I nod and hmmm at her, the only thing I’m thinking about is Ben in his room, pulling that towel from his hips.

And the only thing I’m wishing is how much I was in there watching him do it.