Lost Angel (19 page)

Billy called out, but she didn’t look back, her feet moving one in front of the other, eyes on the pavement, until at last she turned into her street. It was only then that Ellen froze, her heart beginning to thump with fear. She couldn’t say anything, couldn’t tell her parents. They would go mad, absolutely potty, and she dreaded to think what they’d do.

Ellen knew that somehow she had to pull herself together – had to act as if nothing had happened. She took a deep breath and then looked down at her coat, aware then that it was still unbuttoned, but in the dim street light it was almost impossible to see if it looked all right. She fastened the buttons, brushed it down with her hands, and then patted her hair. Did it show? Would they notice anything? Would they be able to tell?

Outside the door, Ellen took another deep breath, forcing her voice to sound light as she went inside, calling, ‘I’m back.’

The living room was empty, her mother’s voice coming from the kitchen.

‘Put the bolt across the door, love. Your dad’s just gone to bed and I’m off too. Did you have a good time?’

‘Yes, lovely,’ Ellen called, and turning back to bolt the front door, she held her breath. If the gods were on her side, she might just make it, and now she almost ran through the living room.

‘I’m going to bed too. Night, Mum.’

‘Night, love.’

Ellen dashed into her bedroom and closed the door, leaning back against it as she heaved a sigh of relief. She had done it. She’d got to her room without being seen. She switched on the light, and gasped. Her new coat was filthy, covered in dirt and dust. How was she going to explain it away?
She’d fallen over, that might work, she’d say she tripped and fell.

Slowly Ellen undressed, feeling sick when she saw blood on her inner thighs. She felt disgusted with herself, wanted to wash the smell away, to wash all signs of Billy away. She had heard her mother go to bed, so, throwing a nightdress over her head, Ellen sneaked to the bathroom. Oh, how she would love to immerse herself in water, to scrub her body from head to toe, but she was only allowed one bath a week, and that in her mother’s leftover few inches of water.

A glance in the mirror showed the make-up, smudged, her cheeks streaked with black mascara. Ellen blanched, horrified that her mother might have seen it. She had wanted Billy to think her pretty, but now she hated the make-up, wishing she could be an innocent child again as she frantically scrubbed it off. How could what happened be called lovemaking? Yes, it had been nice to start with, but then it had been painful, horrible.

At last, still sore, but feeling marginally better, Ellen returned to her room, and, turning off the light, she climbed into bed, shivering with cold as she pulled the blankets up to her chin. She closed her eyes, longing for sleep, for forgetfulness, but it was no good.

Behind closed lids, tears welled as she re-lived what had happened, and the things Billy had said
that crushed her. He was seeing Sheila, had done it with her. She’d been stupid, an idiot, thinking herself in love with Billy, thinking that he might be falling for her too, but no, to Billy, it had just been a bit of fun.

Oh, God, I hate myself, Ellen cried inwardly, and it was a long time before her tortured mind at last escaped into sleep.

Ellen didn’t see Billy again. She knew he had left, that he’d gone back to Hampshire early that morning, but she had remained in bed, curled up in a ball of self-hatred and disgust. At ten o’clock the bedroom door opened. ‘Ellen, it’s about time you got up,’ said her mother. ‘I could do with a hand with the housework and I’ve got a stack of ironing to do.’

‘Yes, all right, I’m getting up now.’

‘Look at your coat. What happened? It’s filthy.’

‘I tripped over on the way home last night.’

‘You’d better hope a sponge down will get these stains off. You’ve only had it for five minutes and it’s in this state already.’

‘I know, I’m sorry, Mum.’

‘I suppose accidents happen. Did you hurt yourself?’

‘No, I’m fine.’

Thankfully her mother left, but Ellen knew that
somehow she’d have to pull herself together or there’d be more questions. She wanted to run, to flee, but there was no escape and somehow she had to act normally. Yet she didn’t feel normal – she felt that the last vestiges of her childhood had gone, her eyes well and truly opened now. Billy had flippantly taken a part of her, a part that could never be replaced. She was tainted, ruined.

‘It’s about time, and you needn’t think I’m seeing to your breakfast now,’ her mother said when Ellen finally showed her face. ‘You can get your own and then you can hang the washing up.’

‘I…I’ll do the ironing too if you like.’

‘No, it’s quicker if I do it.’

After eating a bowl of cereal, Ellen picked up the bucket of washing, despondently going to peg it out, only to find Percy digging the garden.

‘Hello, Ellen, did you get home all right last night?’

‘Yes,’ she said shortly, but then had a thought. ‘Percy, if my mum mentions that I fell over last night, don’t look surprised.’

‘You fell over? How did you do that?’

‘I tripped,’ she lied. ‘My new coat’s in a bit of a state and she isn’t too pleased about it.’

‘Billy didn’t mention it.’

‘Why should he? It was only a trip and I…I didn’t hurt myself.’

‘Ellen, are you telling me the truth? I know what
Billy’s like and if he did anything to you, touched you, I’ll flaming well kill him.’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Ellen said, hiding her face as she pegged washing on the line. ‘Billy walked me home, that’s all. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re digging the garden again. I’ve already done it.’

‘I know, but it won’t hurt to give it another go and I’ve found loads more rubble,’ he said, nodding to a small pile and then to a bucket, ‘and I’ve got that too.’

‘What is it?’

‘Horse manure. When Billy said jokingly about walking behind the dray horses, I decided it was actually a good idea. I collected that lot yesterday.’

Ellen somehow managed to force a small smile. Her mum hadn’t noticed a difference in her, and neither had Percy, but there was a difference, a big one, and it weighed heavily on her mind.

‘What’s the matter with Ellen?’ Doug asked later that day when his daughter had disappeared into the garden again. ‘She’s been as quiet as a mouse.’

Hilda sighed. She had guessed what was wrong with Ellen, and now said, ‘I think she’s upset because Billy’s gone back to Hampshire.’

‘Yeah, well, he is a good-looking lad.’

‘She can do better than the likes of him.’

‘If you say so,’ Doug said, then opened his Sunday newspaper again.

Ellen was sixteen now and Hilda knew she wouldn’t be able to hold her back for much longer, but she still didn’t like her knocking around with the likes of that Janet. Ellen was still innocent, but could you say the same about Janet? With a mother like that, she doubted it, and she didn’t want Ellen tainted by the likes of her. Now if it had been Sheila, the nice girl Ellen had been friends with in Hampshire, Hilda wouldn’t have minded. She was a nice girl who, unlike Janet, didn’t walk around with make-up plastered all over her face.

‘Mum, I think I’ll pop down to see Janet,’ Ellen said as she came back inside. ‘It’s too cold to do anything else in the garden.’

‘What again? You were out with her last night.’

‘I know, but we won’t be going out again tonight. We’ll just be sitting indoors talking about this and that.’

‘Yeah, go on, love, off you go,’ Doug urged. ‘I think she should stay in.’

‘What for? She doesn’t want to be stuck in here with us.’

Hilda glared at Doug, but he seemed oblivious to her anger as Ellen went out.

‘I don’t like her seeing that girl.’

‘She’s the only friend that Ellen’s made since we came back to London and I don’t see any harm in
her. All right, her mum might not be up to much, but as I’ve said before, Janet seems a nice girl.’

‘I blame the war. We were stuck in Somerset all that time and Ellen lost touch with her school friends, then we went to Hampshire, and by the time we settled back in London most of the girls she used to know had moved away.’

‘Well, then, you should be pleased that she’s found a friend in Janet.’

‘I suppose so,’ Hilda said, yet still plagued with doubt.

Ellen hurried along to the end of the street. She couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. She needed to talk to someone, to unburden the self-loathing that still swamped her. Not only that, she knew the facts of life and a persistent thought was now terrifying her.

‘Can I come in, Janet? I need to talk to you.’

‘Yes, but Mum’s having a kip on the sofa and I don’t want to wake her up. We’ll have to talk in my bedroom.’

‘That’s fine.’

‘Right, what’s up?’ Janet said as she sat on the bed, patting the space beside her.

‘I…I wanted to talk to you about last night.’

‘I had a good time, but blimey, that Percy. When I let him walk me home, he had arms like a bleedin’ octopus.’

‘Percy! Percy tried it on with you?’

‘Yeah well, ‘cos me mum’s like she is, blokes around here think I’m the same – easy – but I ain’t and a swift knee in the right place soon sorts them out. Not that I had to resort to that with Percy. How did you get on with Billy? Now that’s what I call a good-looking bloke.’

‘He…he tried it on with me too.’

Janet shrugged. ‘That doesn’t surprise me. It’s something blokes always do, but no doubt you put him straight.’

‘I wish I had. Oh…oh Janet,’ Ellen wailed, tears filling her eyes.

‘No! Don’t tell me you let him go all the way?’

‘Ye…yes.’

‘Gawd, you soppy cow.’

‘What…what if I…I’m pregnant?’

Janet chewed her lower lip for a moment, then said, ‘Well, I’ve heard it never happens the first time, so you should be all right. It was the first time, wasn’t it?’

‘Of course it was.’

‘That’s all right then. You should be OK.’

‘It…it was horrible.’

‘You don’t have to tell me that. My mum says it can be great, but if you ask me she’s too pissed to know what’s going on or she wouldn’t think that.’

‘I should have stopped Billy, but I didn’t. I hate myself.’

‘It’s no good feeling like that. All right, you’ve lost your virginity, but it ain’t the end of the world. I don’t suppose you’re the first girl to give it up before marriage, and you certainly won’t be the last.’

‘Who’d want to marry me now?’

‘Leave it out. It ain’t the be all and end all. You can lose your virginity riding a horse, and, if you have to, just fake that it’s your first time.’

‘I don’t know what I’m worried about. I didn’t like it and I don’t think I ever want to get married now.’

‘Me neither, but you ain’t had such a bad experience as me. You’ll get over it, and no doubt, like most girls, you meet a bloke, fall in love, and hey presto, you’ll end up married with children. As you like that Billy so much, you could even end up marrying him.’

‘No, thanks. I never want to set eyes on him again.’

‘Fair enough, but come on, cheer up. Billy got you all worked up and all right, it went too far, but in future you’ll know better.’

‘In future, I’m gonna stick to plants.’

‘You’re saying that now, but one day, as I said, you’ll meet someone else who’ll turn your head.’

‘You
haven’t.’

‘Don’t judge yourself on me. What happened when I was a kid put me off men for life, at least I thought so. Now though, I rather like Percy.’

‘Percy! I thought you said he tried it on.’

‘Yeah, but he was ever so apologetic. I like him, Ellen. He’s soft, gentle, and for the first time I’ve met a bloke who doesn’t make me feel threatened. I actually think that one day I could do it with Percy, to overcome these fears, but we’ll just have to see how it goes.’

‘You’re seeing him again?’

‘He hasn’t actually asked, but I’ll say yes if he does. In fact, maybe you could give him a gentle hint, you know, shove him in my direction.’

‘Yes, all right.’

‘Do you feel a bit better now?’

Ellen examined her feelings. Yes, she did feel a bit better, especially now she knew she wouldn’t be having a baby. Janet had put things into perspective, and talking to her had helped. She had been a naïve fool, led by the way Billy had made her feel, by the strange sensations that had, at first, been nice. ‘Yes, I do feel better, and thanks, Janet.’

‘What are friends for?’

‘You…you won’t tell anyone, will you?’

‘Ellen, of course I won’t. I know girls are fond of a bit of gossip, but I wouldn’t pass on something like this.’

There was a shout from along the hall.

‘Janet, are you there? I don’t feel well.’

‘Blast it, that’s me mum. She came home drunk from the pub at lunchtime and I’ve already had
to clear up a load of vomit. I hope she’s not going to be sick again.’

‘I’d better go,’ Ellen said, ‘that is, unless I can do anything to help?’

‘It’s all right. I’m used to handling her on my own, and, anyway, they are times when she can turn a bit nasty. You’re better off out of it.’

Ellen felt sorry for Janet. Because of her mum, she had an awful life, but she rarely complained, taking it all on the chin. It was nice that she liked Percy, and if Ellen could nudge him towards her, she would. Janet was right – Percy was nice, and might be the perfect boyfriend for Janet.

Ellen strolled home. She had thought Billy perfect, but he had taken her virginity without a moment’s thought.
Stop it! Stop thinking about it,
she chided herself. It had happened, and there was nothing she could do now to change things. She had to somehow let it go, to get on with her life, but, oh, if only it were that easy.

Percy had been collecting manure whenever he got the chance and was now digging it in, but the ground was so hard at this time of year, making it almost impossible. It was nearly Christmas, and he looked up as Ellen came into the garden. It seemed to Percy that she had changed since her birthday. She seemed harder somehow, more like her friend Janet. ‘Hello, Percy.’

‘Watcha. It’s flaming freezing out here but I wanted to get the last of this done.’

‘It’ll be worth it and I can’t wait for the spring to start planting.’

‘Yeah, me too.’

‘With nothing to do in the garden, I’ve joined the library. I’ve found a few books to read about plants and cultivation.’

‘That’s a good idea. I might do the same.’

‘Wouldn’t you rather take Janet out?’

‘Not this again. I’ve told you. She ain’t my type.’

‘She’s really nice, Percy, and honestly, she’s nothing like her mum.’

‘So you said, but I’m still not interested.’

‘She really likes you.’

Percy leaned on the shovel. ‘Look, will you stop going on and on about Janet?’

‘I beg your pardon,’ Ellen said sarcastically. ‘All I’ve been doing is trying to set you up with a nice girl, but I can see now that I’ve been wasting my time.’

‘You have. Just leave it alone.’

‘Fine, I will,’ Ellen said, and with that she stomped back inside.

Percy shook his head. Ellen had a shock coming, and, as she was so keen on Billy, he was glad he wasn’t going to be the one breaking the news. Since the letter had arrived yesterday, his mother had been in a right old state, and so far she had been so upset, so ashamed, that she hadn’t even confided in Hilda. There was nothing left to do in the garden now, but he dreaded going upstairs. Would his mother be crying again? God, he could kill Billy.

‘Are you all right, Mum?’ he asked, annoyed that his dad had obviously skedaddled off to the pub, leaving her alone.

‘Yes, but I still can’t get over it. Billy’s too young to take on the responsibility.’

‘He should have thought about that before he knocked the girl up.’

‘Don’t talk like that, it sounds so crude. I’m so ashamed of him, but I’m going to see Hilda. She’s got to know sometime, so it might as well be now.’

Percy said nothing as his mother left the room. Ellen was going to find out now, and he wondered how she’d take it.

Hilda was ironing, Ellen polishing the furniture and Doug reading when Mabel walked in.

‘I’ve had some dreadful news,’ she said. ‘It…it’s Billy.’

‘Has he had an accident? Is he all right?’ Hilda asked.

‘He…he’s got a girl up the spout.’

‘What! Oh, Mabel.’

‘I know, and now he’s got to marry her.’

‘Marry her? But he’s only sixteen!’

‘Don’t you think I know that? Oh, sorry, Hilda, I didn’t mean to shout, it’s just that I’m in a right old state.’

‘What does Jack say about it?’

‘He said that Billy’s made his bed and now he’ll have to lie in it.’

‘Can’t you refuse permission? Can’t you say no?’ Hilda suggested. ‘What do you think, Doug?’

‘There isn’t just Billy to think about, there’s the
girl too. How would we feel if it was Ellen and the boy refused to marry her?’

‘You can’t compare Ellen to this girl. If you ask me, she sounds like a tart.’

‘Hilda, you know her,’ Mabel said. ‘She was Ellen’s friend when we all lived in Hampshire. Her name is Sheila. Sheila Erdington.’

‘Sheila! But she seemed like such a nice girl. How far gone is she?’

‘Three months now and that means Sheila was already pregnant when Billy came to see us last month, not that either of them realised that. It…it’s due in July.’

Ellen suddenly rose to her feet and dashed from the room. Hilda could guess why. She’d had a crush on Billy, but he was well and truly out of reach now. Good, Hilda thought, but then, as Mabel began to cry, she berated herself, concentrating on her friend again.

‘I know it’s awful, and Billy seems too young, but it’s not the end of the world. All right, he’s getting married, but it might be the making of him, and, not only that, you’ll have a lovely grandchild.’

‘Hilda, I know what Billy’s like, selfish through and through, and if anything I feel sorry for the girl. I dread to think what sort of husband Billy will be, or father, and I don’t even trust him not to run off. If not now, then as soon as he finds
out how hard it’s going to be to support a wife and child. I told Jack we should refuse permission, suggested that instead we could offer to support the girl and her baby, but he won’t stand for it. We’re going to Hampshire tomorrow to sign the papers.’

Hilda didn’t know what else to say. Doug was right. If Ellen had got herself into trouble, she’d insist the boy married her, but of course she was lucky and didn’t have to worry about that. Ellen was still innocent, untouched, and she’d see that her daughter stayed that way until it was time for her to walk down the aisle. And that would be years away yet.

Ellen had convinced herself that she hated Billy, but now had to face the truth. Despite what had happened, she still couldn’t get him out of her mind, and the thought of Sheila having his baby made her feel sick inside.

‘Are you all right, Ellen?’

It was only then that she saw Percy. It was cold in the garden, but he was sitting on the bottom stair.

‘Yes,’ she lied. ‘Why shouldn’t I be?’

‘Because you must have heard about Billy.’

‘I’ve heard. So what? I couldn’t care less.’

‘You don’t have to pretend with me. I know how you feel about him.’

‘Do you? Then you’ll know I hate him,’ Ellen said defensively.

‘He’s hardly been back to London since he went to work in the stables again, and other than that weekend when we all went to that dance, you’ve hardly seen him. If you couldn’t care less that he’s got that girl pregnant, why say you hate him?’

Ellen floundered, but then found a good excuse for her outburst. ‘Because the girl you’re talking about is Sheila, and she used to be my friend. She…she’s a nice girl…at least I thought she was.’

‘Nice or not, it wouldn’t bother Billy. From what he told me he’s tried it on with loads of girls.’

‘You’re one to talk. Janet told me you tried it on with her.’

Percy turned the colour of beetroot as he spluttered, ‘That’s different. Janet, well, she’s…she’s…a…’

‘Don’t say it,’ Ellen warned. ‘Despite what you might have heard, Janet isn’t easy, or a tart. She doesn’t allow liberties and you must know that.’

‘I must admit she wouldn’t stand for it.’

‘Doesn’t that tell you something?’

He shrugged. ‘I just thought she was playing hard to get.’

‘God, you make me sick. You try it on, get knocked back, but still label the girl a tart.’

‘I know you’re upset about Billy, but don’t take
it out on me. All right, I’m wrong about Janet. Are you happy now?’

‘Ecstatic,’ she snapped. ‘And for your information, I’m not a bit upset about Billy. He and Sheila deserve each other.’

It had been a shock for Hilda to hear that Billy had got Sheila pregnant, a girl the same age as Ellen. Of course she blamed Billy. He was a handsome lad, enough to turn any girl’s head, but it would be Sheila who’d bear the brunt of the gossip. If they didn’t get married quickly the girl would be labelled a tart and how awful for her mother. Mrs Erdington had seemed a nice woman, a homely sort, but she’d be dying with shame now.

For the first time since returning to London, Hilda was glad they’d left Hampshire. With Billy living in the same cottage anything could have happened…but no, she was being silly. She trusted her daughter and wouldn’t have had anything to worry about.

‘Right, Ellen, now that Mabel’s gone and you’ve shown your face again, we’d better get on with the housework.’

‘Why the long face, pumpkin?’ asked Doug.

Ellen blinked rapidly, then, choking back a sob, she fled the room, and shortly after they heard the sound of her bedroom door slamming.

‘Surely calling her pumpkin ain’t that bad?’

‘That isn’t why she’s upset. It was hearing that Billy’s getting married. She had a crush on him and seeing him again recently must have set it off again. I was glad to see the back of him when he went back to Hampshire.’

‘Maybe you should go and have a word with her. Tell her that there’s plenty more fish in the sea, that kind of thing.’

‘No, Doug. Least said, soonest mended, that’s the saying, and though Ellen’s upset now, it was nothing serious. As I said, a silly crush and she’ll soon get over it.’

‘If you say so,’ Doug agreed, and went back to his newspaper.

Hilda went through to the kitchen. She’d leave Ellen for now, let her have a cry and get it out of her system. She was too good for a boy like Billy who was destined for nothing but working in a stable, earning hardly enough to support himself, let alone a wife and child. No, Hilda thought, Ellen could do far better than him – and she’d make sure of that.