Lost Boy (15 page)

I look around at the things I have and shake my head again, "No."

The grin on her lips grows, "Great. You know what long hair is like without conditioner?"

I wince, "Oh."

She starts to laugh and I am praying the water has washed away some of the bad things from before.

I lean my face into the water and whisper into her ear, "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

She leans her face into mine, "I know."

I wrap around her and look up at the tiled ceiling reverently. I wonder if he can hear me begging him for help.

When we get out, I dry her. She shakes her head and takes the towel, insisting on drying me. She does a crap job but I'm so exhausted and stressed I don’t care.

We stagger into my real room and collapse on my real bed. She is the first girl to ever grace the sheets of it.

I want her to be the last. I want her. I need her. I just don’t know how to keep her with me, on her terms.

I reach over and pull her into my arms, holding her tight. Only when I'm sure she's staying, can I close my eyes.

I wake up to her staring at me. I mutter, "Go to sleep."

She shakes her head "I can't. Someone got me all worked up and now I'm kind of buzzing."

A grin accidentally takes over my face when I answer her, "You came. In case you forgot."

She laughs, "I forgot. I think you should remind me how it felt, jog my memory."

I shake my head, "I think I like you how you are now." I open my eyes fully and look at her, "Do you want me?"

She hesitates and nods but I want to hear her say it. I just want her to tell me she wants me. "What do you say?"

She doesn’t find my joke funny. She leaps out of the bed and storms into my closet. I don’t know what game we're playing but I'm in. I want her so bad I can't stand it. Thankfully, she never noticed the raging erection I was hiding in our snuggle.

She comes out of the closet, dressed in my jogging clothes.

I don’t get it. She must still be angry with me for the spanking. I bite my lip and watch her start to fiddle with her hair. "Where are you going? In my clothes?"

She shrugs, "You won't miss them. You don’t wear anything but Armani. I'm pretty sure these are from Old Navy. You probably didn’t even know you had them."

I snort but quickly recover with a bossy demand, hoping she won't get out of the room before I get up, "Get back here."

She shakes her head, like we are playing a game and breaks into a run.

I'm up and out of the bed, springing naked with an erection. I scoop up my boxers from the pile of clean clothes on my bureau and hop into them as I run after her. She gives me a grin and runs down the stairs.

"SHIT!"

I hit the elevator as I get my boxers on and leap inside pressing the M. The elevator stops on the seventh floor.

"FUCK!"

The old lady from the other day is there with that same dog and the same shitty look. She shakes her head at me. I shrug and push the close door button. When I get to the lobby, in my underwear, she is crossing the foyer and leaving, fully dressed.

"Sarah!" I shout, chasing after her.

She looks back at me and waves, "Goodbye, Eli. It was nice seeing you again."

Her words have to travel through the snow I suddenly notice.

I shake my head, desperate for her to stay with me and give me a second chance, "Wait for me. Give me one minute. Please." I sprint back to the lobby but have to take the elevator. I don’t have keys.

I run in and down the hallway. I glance into the metal door when I pass it. Something is glowing in the dark. I back up and go inside, grabbing her phone from the bed.

The open conversation with Sebastian makes my heart sink.

She sent, 'Meet me tomorrow at my dorm. I won't have this number anymore.'

He answered her right away like he was waiting for it, 'You sure?'

I drop the phone onto the bed when I see her answer, 'I need you to help me become the girl I want to be. 8pm my dorm. Goodnight.'

He has messaged her other things but I don’t read them. I don’t need to. I need to change her mind. I run to my closet and grab some of my boxing clothes and race back down the stairs to her.

I'm terrified when I round the corner from the front door but she's there.

She grins, "I like casual, Eli. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like the suits and dress pants and groomed thing you have going on, but this is nice too."

The words of her text message are eating at me. I don’t know how to win her or be cool. I just ask the thing I'm wondering, "What are you doing?"

She shrugs, "I want pancakes."

I blurt, "I'll make you pancakes."

She laughs and turns around to walk backwards, "I don’t want your pancakes. I want normal pancakes. Not head-game pancakes. Not maybe I'll make you happy or maybe I'll scare the shit out of you. You know?"

She is killing me inside. I hate being laughed at and I hate being manipulated. I start to actually wonder if Jane has gotten to her, "You're awfully playful and free suddenly. Where is the girl from the elevator?"

She flinches and stuffs her hands in her pockets, "She's in here. I think there are a few of us in here. Besides, I'm on to you. I see your ploy."

I laugh; if she did know it she would surely laugh. I am the most unlovable person we know, including Jane. I nod, "Ha. You think you do."

I almost tell her that if she could just let me try to be good enough for her, I would never stop trying. But the words get caught behind the lump in my throat. I tilt my head back and smile when I see the snow falling. I stick my tongue out, out of habit and change the subject when I catch a snowflake, "When I was a kid, I used to do this all the time. My dad would take us to our cabin in Aspen and I would do anything to not be with them. When Emalyn was gone they canceled their divorce. They stayed together, hating each other and drinking. I would stand out on the deck and catch snow flakes till I was nearly frozen solid."

She doesn’t talk and I don’t know how to say anything beyond I am sorry I am not good. Not a good person and not good enough and not good at making love. Fucking I have down pat.

Her hands jerk my head down and she attacks in a way I never expected. Her mouth slides against mine and the wetness from the snow. Our tongues are hot compared to the cold air. She starts doing the thing she does where she climbs up my body. My erection is back, instantly. I lift her and spin us both so I can hold her against the wall. We writhe against each other and kiss until I can't breathe without inhaling her too.

I moan, put her down and turn to take her back upstairs and try again.

She pulls back, "No."

I frown, "You want this."

"No, I don’t."

I smile nervously, "I can make you."

She laughs, "I want the you that tilts his head back and eats the snow. I want the you that holds me and snuggles into me. I want him but you hardly ever show him to me. I see a glimpse of him and then it's you that’s back." She points at me and I can see the disgust all over her face, "I want the sweet guy who puts his hand out for me."

All I see is the text to Sebastian. My heart aches in a way I don’t think I can fix, not alone. I feel my words get thick, "He's in here too. I think there are a few of us." I let her hand go, and walk away. I send a text to Stuart when I get in the elevator, 'She is walking back to dorms from my place. Go find her please. She won't see me.'

He responds quickly, 'KK'

I don’t reprimand him. I don’t care anymore.

When I get upstairs, I sit on the dirty bed, in the dirty room and stare at the text she sent him. When the phone goes black from lack of use, I press the button and make it come back to haunt me further.

I take the phone back to my room and lie on my bed and stare at the words, 'girl I want to be' and try not to think of ways to make the white noise stop. Ways I promised Emalyn I wouldn’t do once I found her.

"Eli, son. Hans from the architectural firm we own in Boston needs someone to meet him at Northeastern. Can you do it?"

I almost laugh but my dad wouldn’t get the joke. I nod, "Yeah."

He sounds distant, "Excellent. I'm at the investors meeting for the bank so I'll be tied up all day."

I frown, "Did you fly here from France?"

He sighs, "No, we haven’t made it back there yet. Work and your mother's eye doctor appointments have made getting back impossible. Dinner tomorrow night?"

I nod, "Sure, can Stuart come?"

He laughs, "Why do you ask every time. Of course he can. He's family. Franklin is making his favorite anyway."

I smile, "Okay, I'll tell him when I see him at the gym later."

"Sounds good. I'll tell your mother. Love you, son." He hangs up and I don’t know what brought that on, but it makes me smile. He never says it. She doesn’t either. They've been so odd lately.

I get to the meeting early, not to be professional, but because I can see her window. It's ten hours until 8pm and I don’t know what I can possibly do to make her change her mind.

I dial Stuart and sit on the swept-off bench in the garden.

"Hey, man."

"We have dinner tomorrow night at Mom's. Franklin is making coq au vin."

I can almost hear Stuart's stomach start to growl, "Mmmm, just what I need, some comfort food."

I can hear the tension in his voice, "Want to hang out later?" I don’t tell him why. I don’t tell him I'm going to need to be drunk off my ass to stop myself from going and killing Sebastian. Not to mention, I keep forgetting to make his broken heart more important than my own.

I see the guy I'm meeting and get up from the bench, "Yeah. I need to get drunk. Just say if that’s what you want to do?"

I laugh, "It's exactly what I want to do."

"Peace, bro." He hangs up and I can't help but feel a little better. He forces me to.

The man I recognize from the last time we met as a group, smiles, "Mr. Adams, how nice to see you."

I nod, "You as well, Hans. How is your wife?"

He nods, probably surprised at my recalling that. It's something my father taught me, in business remember everything. It makes people believe you're their friend and builds trust faster. For him trust means it's easier to pull the rug out from under people and get more, because they saw you coming.

I shake Hans' hand and know whatever my father has in store for the university, it can't be all good. Our architectural firm is renowned for tearing down old things and making them new, even when people like the old and the history that comes with it.

He starts talking but I see Sarah sneaking out of the building. Hans points in the direction she is walking. I nod and follow along, but I don’t listen to what he's saying. I just watch her avoiding me for all it's worth.

"What do you think?"

I smile, "I think I trust you, and if you see something profitable for the company, or another way for us to make our mark and show people what a prestigious company we are, then you should go ahead with it." I grin, "Hans, my major was business but my passion has never been architecture." I slap his arm, "You know what you're doing."

He smiles back, "I'll have the office forward over the design specs if you want to sign off on them."

I nod again, "Good man, I'll have the accountants release the initial funds as well."

He puts his hand out. I shake it and try not to throw up. She hates me. I point at the dorm, "I will chat with you later, I am just going to go inside and take a look."

He smirks, "Okay. Thanks for that, Eli."

I nod, "Enjoy this one a little, for me."

He nods, "Alright." He waves and I walk inside, pulling one of my credit cards from my clip and heading for her room. I am stunned when I get in and it's sort of messy. Not filthy, just messy. It’s not the way her room was at the orphanage. There is a picture of her and Michelle on the wall. I smile when I see the smile on her face; it's the old broken one. I can't miss that sad, dead-eyed face if I try to force it. Even if she doesn’t pick me and love me, she is better off.

I sit on her bed and bounce to check the comfort. It's horrid. My back would be broken for sure.

I lie back frowning; it's worse than I thought. It’s like lying on concrete.

I close my eyes and see her face tilted up into the showerhead as I washed her hair. She was so beautiful, just as she was. I pull my phone out again and dial.

"Sup."

I wince, "I'm not biting, you did that on purpose to provoke me."

Stuart laughs into the phone.

I sigh, "She's going on a date with Sebastian tonight. What can I do to be a normal guy and take her out and do something that makes her like me more?"

He laughs, "You did bang her."

I shake my head, "Never having this conversation with you. What can I do?"

He pauses for a second and then I can hear the smile on his face, "Take her to Lance. She can see you being a normal guy doing a normal-guy thing. Go for a workout. Chicks dig hot, sweaty guys in boxing rings."

I smile, "You saying I'm hot, Stu?"

He scoffs, "No. I've seen you in the shower, bro. You're a hot mess, that's how you're hot. Trust me, man, take her to see Lance. He treats us like sons, she'll dig that."

I nod, "Okay. See you later." I hang up and think about her in a boxing ring. I can't see it.

I hear someone fumbling with the key and sit up. God knows what will walk in. Fortunately, it's her and she's alone. She looks confused. I pull her phone out of my pocket, "You forgot something last night."

"Why did you pay for all my tuition for the next four years?"

Oh sweet Jesus, "Stop being a pain in the ass. Do you know how hard it is to track you without the cell phone? Stuart and I literally have to follow you everywhere you go. It's annoying. Luckily, I had a meeting here today so I could return it."

She wrinkles her nose, I love it. "I don’t want any more help from you. I don’t want money or stuff or Stuart driving my ass around."

I ignore her, stand up and kiss her cheek, "Are you angry?"

She nods.

I smile, "Good." I take her hand and pull her to the door, "I have something I want to show you and I sort of need you angry for it."

She walks behind me but gives my shoes an evil look, "I want those damned shoes burned."

I have no idea what she's talking about, "Deal." I'd agree to anything to make her happy.

"I still can't believe you kicked me."

My stomach drops, the shoes are the ones I was wearing then. I shake my head, "I didn’t want to. I needed you to believe."

"Keep telling yourself that."

I smirk, "Keep telling yourself the paddle doesn’t turn you on."

She laughs and blushes, and I hope we don’t have to talk about this anymore. The gym isn’t going to be very normal if we do.

I hold her hand on the ride over and avoid Stuart's eyes in the rearview.

I take a breath like I am about to start the conversation about being good enough for her several times, but I just can't get it out. Instead, I sound like it's my first day breathing and I haven’t quite mastered it.

Stuart pulls up to the curb and I climb out, dragging her with me. I almost tell Stuart I'll see him later but I don’t. I don’t know how much she has figured out about us.

Angelo walks up grinning widely as we get to the front door of the gym. He throws a hand out, "Adams, yo. You're back." I slap hands with him, like we always do. It's urban but it's his greeting. I see his eyes noticing Sarah and his lips lifting at what he sees. I cock an eyebrow and point, "This is Sarah Mastermen. Sarah, this is Angelo. He's a lightweight champ."

Angelo grins, "I can strip weight off like a mutha."

I shake my head subtly at him. He nods and gets the door, catching my silent signals of impending death if he even looks at her.

If I could just grunt and piss on her leg, making all other men aware of her being mine, I would.

I lead her to the change room, not thinking about it being a co-ed gym.

I change, sensing Angelo's awareness of the awkwardness. He changes much faster than normal and grins at Sarah on his way out, "See you out there, Tinkerbell. Unless you chicken out. I understand if you’re too scared to do this."

I snort but she gives me a hateful look, "Tinkerbell?"

I smile, "You do kind of look like her. Big blue eyes and light-yellow, blonde hair. I can see it." I pass her the bag of stuff I got Stuart to grab and nod at the changing closet, "Go put this on."

She seems pissy and stalks off. I shake my head and try to loosen up, all the while chanting, "be normal" in my head. She is in there long enough for two guys to come and change. I glance at the clock and sigh. I want to say it isn’t a fashion show, but I settle for the thing I think will be worse, "Let's go, Tink."

She chuckles, "Fuck you, Eli."

I have no response for that. Does she hate me completely? Why did she hold my hand and smile at me if she hates me? Does she tell Sebastian to fuck off? I bet not. The more I think about it, the madder I get.

She opens the door and I snap, "Do I ever speak to you that way?"

"Let's not discuss the things you do to me."

I laugh and give her that one.

She shoulder bumps me hard and walks away. I pinch the bridge of my nose and pray for the courage and strength to get through the next hour and a half. I walk fast to catch up to her. I don’t want her in there without me. The meatheads will be on her instantly. Then I will have to kill them. Then I will go to jail. Then the next meathead will ask her out. The thought pisses me off and I nudge her shoulder back, "In this place, you get what you give."

She grins, "Well then, let's play. I have some serious shit I'd love to give back to you."

I can't help but smile. She makes me laugh with how confident and strong she acts. It's like she forgets that I see the girl in the corner with the dead eyes. She doesn’t wear that face anymore but I can still see that girl. She no longer runs, now she fights.

She looks ready to rumble until she sees the rest of the gym. She looks over at Doris, a female I have questioned the sexuality of many times. She looks like a man and Sarah gives her the most disturbed look. I nudge her again, "Don’t look so horrified. She is a pro female boxer."

She leans in and whispers, "Heavy weight?"

I laugh and shove her arm. She winces and I see red marks forming where I pushed her. I forget myself in this place. It amps me up. I offer her an apologetic look, "Sorry. I get pretty hyped in here."

She looks nervous so I pick up the pace to where Lance has the junior class starting. She looks like one of the kids compared to the rest of us. She won't have an issue fitting in.

We get to where Lance and the boys are and she laughs at something. I look around but there is nothing I see funny. She looks like she is losing it a little. I frown and look back at Lance. He puts a hand out and points, "You must be Sarah." He claps his hands and beams at her. I don’t know how he knows she is coming. I can only assume it was Stuart. Lance is the nicest old man ever. I know he will teach her to defend herself and have fun with it. He has a natural way of making people feel welcome.

She smiles but I can see the nerves. She's on edge until he smiles, "I'm Lance, in case Eli there hasn’t told you, and this is beginner's boxing."

The boys look at her up and down and nod. I cock an eyebrow and their faces fall. They've seen me fight.

Angelo sneaks up behind her and grabs her shoulders. "You boys go easy on Tinkerbell here, okay? You still have a chance to run away, Tink." He slaps her on the ass and winks at me. He's dead and he knows it.

Lance laughs, "If that’s gonna offend you, Tink, you're gonna need to toughen up. Or take a seat on the pine over there."

She looks at me to defend her. I nod subtly. He's dead.

Lance claps his hands again. "Three laps around the gym. Fast. I want a quick warm up." He looks right at me. I sigh and glance at Angelo. I want to kill him now while I'm angry but Lance is saying no with his look.

Sarah ignores us and starts stretching. I watch her ass with the kids as she starts warming up. She takes off and I run after her butt. I want to say I was actively participating, but I was watching her butt, until she tore off. I lost sight of her but suddenly she was there.

"Still can't catch me, huh?" She shouldered me and kept running. I pick up my pace but she is an elite runner. I'm almost wheezing when I cross the line, behind Lance.

She grins and bumps into me again, "Somebody let an old man kick his ass."

"In the ring, Tink." Lance points at her. He sees my eyes.

She sighs, "Lance…uhm…sir. My name is Sarah." I smile but he doesn’t.

He waves her off, "We all have nicknames here. I'll never remember Sarah. But with your hair in that bun, you look like Tinkerbell."

She looks back at me, "What's his nickname?"