Lost Dreams (12 page)

''I love you, my beautiful little girl.''

She smiled and gave me a big wet kiss. ''I love you, Mommy.''

I thought about going to see how Avery was doing. Her life had taken a turn for the worst today. She needed me, and maybe even needed Juliet. ''Do you want to go to Avery's place?''

''YES!'' she exclaimed.

I knew that eventually, my daughter would ask questions about the sadness which haunted Avery and I would have to find the right words to explain the situation, without worrying Juliet about her father. Anxiety wasn't something I wanted her to deal with every time her father left. She didn’t deserve it and she was still very young to be dealing with death.

I finally got out of the bed, Juliet following closely behind. She filled her small backpack with toys and we walked out of the door. A few short minutes later, we were standing on Avery's front porch, and I heard voices coming from the back of the house which were very familiar. Patrick was talking to Remy and the conversation seemed to be one-sided. From what I could hear, Patrick was trying to convince Remy that Carter's death wasn't his fault. Remy was extremely quiet, but the few words he did speak were filled with pain and hurt. His voice sounded broken and rusty. The poor man couldn't stop crying, he was mourning his best friend and unfortunately, seemed to feel responsible for his death.

Before Juliet noticed that I was eavesdropping, I hurriedly opened the door and we walked inside.

The house was dark and quiet. I turned on the lights in the kitchen and installed Juliet at the table with her pencils and coloring books. I gave her a small box of apple juice and a few crackers to snack on.

I assumed Ave was in the bedroom, but when I turned on the small lamp in the living room, I saw her lying on the couch, sound asleep. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were pale. She looked exhausted and dehydrated. I feared she was going to make herself ill if she continued this way. My friend needed me desperately, we had spent the last several months building our friendship, and I knew her very well. We'd shared good and bad days, and it seemed like it was my responsibility to try and help her back onto her feet. She was far away from her family, and she only had me and Remy right now. A plan was needed. I couldn't ask her to start planning for her future, obviously, but I needed to help her get to a point where she believed she had a future. We had a long road ahead of us, with a lot of ups and downs. I was ready to face it, I wanted to help her fight her demons and overcome the grief she was swamped by.

Patrick was going to leave again, no dates were confirmed yet, but when he did, I would be able to concentrate on Avery. For now, I had to enjoy what time I had with my man and juggle with helping Avery where I could. Patrick was going to be away for a few days after Christmas, one week from now. I could work out a plan then.

Avery needed to cry. Her heart was not only broken, but I was sure she felt it had been torn out of her chest. It was the first step in mourning the passing of the love of her life.

She was waking up slowly. I brushed the loose hair away from her face. She smiled when she saw me and that meant a lot. I didn't want to be a burden on her, I was here to help, to help her deal with her sadness.

"How long have you been staring at me?" she asked, her voice husky. She managed a small smile. "It's kind of creepy."

We laughed together for a second, then her laugh transformed into sobs. I wrapped my arms around her and refused to let her go until she was calm again. My eyes were swimming with unshed tears. I had to stay strong for her. It would have been a lot easier to cry with her, it would have made me feel better, but I didn't think it would help Avery. I had to try and keep it together.

''I’m sick of crying, Megan. I hurt... I hurt so badly, but crying over it make me think I'm being weak.''

Ave was obviously overwhelmed by her emotions and I chose my words carefully. ''You're a strong woman, Avery. I've watched you for months now, you've fought all your fears and you've become this beautiful, strong woman. That will never change. But today, a part of your life has ended and it's okay to cry. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t need to cry. It doesn't make you weak, it simply shows how much love you have for Carter. He will always be in your heart Avery. Always.''

''I still can't believe I didn’t get to say goodbye one last time.''

''Honey, there are no final goodbyes which would prepare you for this. Nobody wants to say goodbye for the last time. Think about it. The last time you talked to him, it was full of love and it was a natural, normal conversation between you. It reflected who you guys were and it's how it should have been. You wouldn’t want to remember a final goodbye with all the sadness that it involves. Remember how wonderful you guys were together, focus on the good times. I'm certain he's watching over you now and he's proud of who you are. Give yourself a break, you're allowed to cry and be hurt.''

''Thank you, I know you're right.'' Avery wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. ''We were really happy together and it's the best memory I can ask for. I just miss him terribly and knowing that I won't be seeing him again is unbearable.''

''I know, Avery. That's why I'm here. I'm here to support you through this. We'll work through it together.''

''Where's Remy? Is he gone?'' Avery asked anxiously.

''He's outside, talking to Pat. You see, he got to have one last goodbye and he's struggling with it at the moment. Patrick is trying to talk him through it.''

''It's not fair...'' she sighed. ''I'm so worried about him.''

''He'll need time, just like you will, but he'll be okay.''

Avery nodded and her eyes dropped to her hands. She remained silent, her eyes focused on her wedding ring. I rubbed her back gently.

''Are you hungry, do you want something to eat? Soup, maybe?''

''Yeah, okay... maybe I should try to eat something.''

We got up together and she led the way into the kitchen where Juliet was quietly drawing and drinking her juice.

As soon as she saw Avery, Juliet jumped into her arms and brought a smile to Avery's face. There was something special about my child, with her ability to make people smile. It made me the proudest mom in the world. Ave danced Juliet around the room, singing the theme song of Sesame Street. Both of them were singing and smiling and for the first time, I thought the old Avery might recover from her grief eventually.

Juliet was back on her feet but still singing loudly. Avery was watching and the smile remained on her face. It was good to see her like this, after the day she'd had.

Patrick and Remy finally came back in the house. Both guys had bloodshot eyes and running noses. It seemed a lot had been discussed outside. I gave my husband a kiss and took him into my arms. He'd been there too, he needed my support just as much as Avery and Remy. He had lost a good friend too. I knew Carter pretty well, but I didn’t have time to deal with my sadness. It was nothing compared to theirs.

Patrick held me in his arms, so tightly, that it was a struggle to breathe. ''I love you Megan and I'm happy to be back alive,'' he murmured in my ear. ''I love you, so much,'' he repeated.

I pressed my lips against his neck, and kissed him repeatedly. ''I love you, Patrick.'' I had missed the warmth of his body and the joy of him touching me.

''Daddy?'' Juliet wanted her father's attention. He crouched to her level and she jumped into his arms.

When I looked up, Avery and Remy were staring at one another. I wasn't sure what was happening between them, but they almost seemed to be having a telepathic conversation with each other. Remy slowly closed the gap between them, until they were only inches apart. Their eyes were connected, and I wondered who would be the first to look away. The intensity of their gazes was palpable. Patrick entwined his fingers with mine and drew me out of the room, giving them privacy.

''What's going on?'' I asked Patrick. ''Did you see that?''

He looked down at me his expression serious. ''Megan... Sweetie, they're really good friends and right now, they need time together. Remy feels responsible for Carter's death, but I was there too, and I know we got caught out by the shooter. We were there together. I've spent three hours talking to Remy about Carter's last seconds and trying to convince him there was nothing he could have done differently. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Remy is afraid that when Avery gets over her initial grief, she'll blame Remy for not watching over Carter. He's frightened she'll end up hating him. Remy cares a lot about Avery and he can't stand the thought that he might lose her, too.''

I considered his words. ''Yeah, it's obvious she cares about him, too. But I'm sure Avery would never blame Remy for what happened.''

Juliet had remained in the kitchen but I didn't think it was a problem. She was back to coloring her princesses in her drawing book. I was trying to surreptitiously listen to what Remy and Avery were saying, but I couldn’t catch a word of their conversation.

The looks on their faces had me confused. It seemed like so much more than a mere friendship. I couldn’t explain it exactly. They were like two lost souls, two good friends; who shared one hell of a strong connection.

I
held the folded flag in my hands while Remy drove us back to my place. It was a beautiful ceremony that did justice to the man Carter was. The sound of the Butterfield's lullaby haunted my mind. The music was playing in my head non-stop. It hit me when I realized that they had played the song for my husband. I knew he was gone, but it had only just clicked in my head. His time with me had ended.

The short ride home was quiet. Remy was dressed into his service uniform. He had been quiet during the whole ceremony. He cried in silence while I cried uncontrollably. Megan stood by me the whole time. She had managed to find someone to watch over Juliet. I felt bad that she had to go through this and I thanked her many times for her support.

Megan and Patrick were following us home. We had planned a brunch after the ceremony. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to eat but I wanted to try.

This chapter of my life had abruptly ended, I was ready to start a new one. I was drained emotionally, but I was surrounded by good people and they were all willing to help me.

Remy had difficulties dealing with his emotions but we had a good conversation two days ago, and he knew I didn’t hold any anger against him. I never thought he was responsible for Carter's death and I never will.

~~~*~~~

T
he first thing I did when I got home, was to place the folded American flag in our bedroom. I didn’t want anyone but me to touch it. It held a sentimental place in my heart, as though it was the last link I had to Carter.

I heard Megan, Patrick and Juliet entering the house and knew it was time to start preparing our meal. Megan had done most of the preparations earlier, but I still had a few things to arrange. Remy insisted on taking care of the pancakes. He even called his mother to get her recipe, because he swore they were the best he had ever tasted. He knew where to find everything he needed in the kitchen so he got started as soon as we walked in. He was working really hard on trying to feel better. He had done a lot of writing and thinking yesterday, and I thought he had improved a lot.

''Are you seriously adding chocolate chips to your pancakes?'' I asked, when I entered the kitchen.

''It’s my mom's recipe... I’m sorry girl, but you can't go wrong with that,'' he said with an amused tone in his voice.

My heart was hurting too much to laugh, but I did anyway. Remy used to always be the one making me laugh all the time and that part of him had returned for a brief moment.

Remy looked at me with a smirk on his face, he was obviously feeling playful. ''Aren't you going to argue with me?''

I laughed. ''No, your mom can definitely cook. I can't say anything against her cooking ability. I just hope you do her justice.''

He elbowed me gently. ''You gotta trust me.''

''I'm really trying.'' I joked.

It seemed like we both felt a sense of relief now that the funeral was over. I was trying really hard to be more like myself and overcome my grief. We were all supporting each other and that helped. The brunch turned out great. The fruit salad was fresh and delicious, the quiche was full of taste and Remy's pancakes were scrumptious. Toward the end of the meal, Remy stood up and asked my permission to share a few words. I agreed, wondering what he would say.

‘‘We’re together today, to commemorate the passing of my best friend Carter. He was also Avery's husband.'' He looked at me. ''And our comrade-in-arms. He was a fighter and a very strong man. He will be missed terribly. I can barely wrap my head around the fact that I won't be seeing him anymore. During our last moment together, I promised him to watch over you Avery, and I will. I'm here for you, whatever you need, I want to help you. We were good friends before and I think this will only bring us closer. Thank you to Megan and Patrick for being with us today, supporting us. It means a lot to me.''

''To me too. Thank you.'' I answered. My eyes watered a bit, but I didn’t cry. I stayed strong. It was a good step in the right direction and it made me proud of myself. Every effort counted. Juliet was so tired, she fell asleep while eating her fruit salad. I cleaned her small sticky fingers and moved her onto the couch. I covered her with a fleece blanket and gazed down at her for a few seconds. I knew I still had my chance to become a mother, it was obviously not going to be now, but I was still young enough for it to happen. Even if the thought of meeting someone seemed impossible right now, maybe a few years from now it would happen. I didn’t like to think about it, it made me sick to my stomach.

When I turned around, Megan was looking at me. The expression on her face was filled with sympathy and I think she guessed what I was thinking.  ''Don't give up on your dreams, Avery. Time is what you need.''

I nodded and we went back to the table. We talked for hours. The boys told us a little about their deployment. It seemed they didn’t get much rest during their time overseas, it was a very intense six months. They had many more individual missions under their belts. I was extremely proud of them.