Lost Dreams (13 page)

Patrick had been in the Special Forces for a little longer than Carter and Remy, and he admitted he was getting a bit tired of this way of life. It's a consuming and demanding career. He mentioned wanting more children and the opportunity to spend more time with them. He had a job opportunity within his brother's security company, which he was considering. He was going to do one last deployment, before hoping to call it quits. He was going to request a release from active duty.

Listening to Patrick had me reflecting on my own life. Everything had changed so drastically. I wasn’t ready to face the future, the prospect scared the hell out of me. I knew at that moment, my life was going to be dealt with one day at a time. I would no doubt have good days and bad days. Each of them would demand reflection and a great deal of positive attitude. The good days needed to be embraced, and the bad days were to be learned from.

I had learned from the deaths of other army buddies that I would have approximately 180 days before I was required to vacate the house. It saddened me, but that’s how the rules work. Other couples or another families would be on the waiting list for our house. I would need to find an apartment and a job. I still had time, and I was in no hurry to rush into a decision.

I tried to follow the conversations around the table, but I was lost in my thoughts and still trying to wrap my head around everything.

''Ave! Are you okay?'' Remy asked, sounding concerned.

''I am." I glanced around the table at their worried faces.  "Sorry guys, I just... I'm... I can't stop thinking about everything that's going to change and what I'll have to do,'' I confessed.

''Girl, I'm here to help you sort everything, okay? I don't want you to have a panic attack. We'll take it a day at a time,'' Remy said, low in my ear. He was reassuring me that he supported me and he knew I needed him.

''I know.'' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. ''I’m sorry. One minute I think I'm fine and the next minute, my brain is churning through everything and it overwhelms me.'' I ran a hand through my hair, anxiously. ''I’m trying really hard to stay strong.''

''Ave, stop. It's normal to go through all these emotions, okay? Whatever is going through your mind, tell us about it. Maybe we can help.'' Megan suggested.

''Okay,'' I agreed, my voice breaking with emotion. ''Thanks guys, I don't know what I would do without you.''

For the rest of the afternoon, Remy tried his hardest to make me smile every few minutes, whether he was telling jokes, or making funny faces. Sometimes, he would simply squeeze my knee under the table, or place his arm around my shoulder to show his support. It felt good, knowing he was there for me.

The day was about to end and Megan and the family had gone home. Remy was staying the night with me. He was half-asleep on the couch when I made my way to the bedroom. I thanked him again for everything he'd done to help ease my sadness. They hadn't been huge demonstrations of affection; most of the time he was only showing his support with a touch on my shoulder or knee, letting me know he was there. It was a friendly approach, like we'd always had with each other.

A few minutes later, I could hear him snoring. I giggled - even deep in his sleep, he had a way of making me laugh.

The last thoughts I had before I fell asleep were concentrated on all the good things which had happened today. It wasn’t much, but we'd had a great commemoration for Carter and I had good people surrounding me. We'd shared a delicious meal and I was surrounded with love. As much as I missed my husband, I tried not to think too hard about his death, even if it was constantly on my mind. The day had to end on a good note.

~~~*~~~

''C
arter... CARTER... Noooo!'' I heard Remy screaming from the couch.

Shit!. I ran into the living room and tried to wake him up.

''Remy... Remy! Wake up!'' He was kicking and his hands were fisted, ready to attack. ''Remy, wake up!'' I begged him, before I was thrown from the couch by a punch to my face. ''Fuck!'' I yelled.

Remy woke, sat up on the couch and focused on me; I saw rage and panic in his eyes. His chest was heaving and sweat was rolling down his forehead and cheeks.

I removed my hand from my cheek and tasted blood in my mouth. It was painful, and I thought I was lucky not to have a broken tooth or jaw.

''What have I done? I didn’t hurt you? Tell me I didn’t hurt you, Ave?'' Remy's voice was filled with panic.

''It's okay, Remy, I've been through a lot worse.'' I hid the pain as much as I possibly could, even forced a smile so he wouldn't worry.

''Shut up, girl! I know I hit you and from the pain in my hand I know it's gotta hurt.'' He kneeled next to me on the carpet and studied my face. Then he rushed to get some ice and when he returned, his hands were shaking badly. ''I’m sorry, so sorry. Never approach me when I’m having nightmares, okay?''

''You were yelling, calling Carter's name.'' The pain in my cheek was getting worse by the minute.

''I was trying to fight off this man to save Carter,'' he cried. The ice dropped on the carpet and he pulled me into his arms. My poor friend cried like I had never seen him cry before. His body shook with emotion and his arms were so tight around me.

''It's okay Remy, it's okay... Shhh.'' I tried to soothe and comfort him. Remy had remained strong all day, only now was he cracking from the strain. To me, his strength and attitude toward the situation was still impressive.

He kept whispering how sorry he was. ''Don't hate him for not coming back, Ave, it's my fault,'' he confessed.

''No Remy, no. Shit! Don't ever say that again. It wasn't you... it wasn't you.'' I lost the battle against my tears. My heart was torn between the pain I felt when I heard him taking the blame for Carter's death and sorrow for the guilt he felt. None of this was right. ''You and Carter are doing a dangerous job with high risks, you know that. I wished it didn’t happen, believe me, I wish I had him back, but it's not what life had planned for us.''

He was silent but never let me go. His sobs slowed and slowly morphed into slow, steady breathing. He was falling asleep holding me. I didn’t know what to do, he was holding me so tightly and I couldn't get loose from his arms.

''Remy, I think you should get back on the couch, you'd be more comfortable.''

He mumbled something I couldn’t even understand but he never let go. I was tucked next to him beside the couch. He held me around the waist. It didn’t feel right to be held in his arms, but I didn’t want to hurt him after the nightmares he'd had. I fell back to sleep soon afterwards.

My Christmas morning was the complete opposite of what I'd originally planned. I woke up in the arms of my husband's best friend. The lights of our Christmas tree were on, but no gifts were under the tree. I felt Remy's stretch behind me and his lips pressed against my shoulder. I closed my eyes, trying to figure out what to do. My body tensed when his arms drew me even closer. At that point, I knew our morning was going to be awkward.

''Girl... Avery... Fuck... I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.''

''S'all good. Don't worry about it.'' I got up and went into the shower immediately. I couldn't even look at him.

I slept well though. I mean, it was strange and it didn’t feel right, but once I was sleeping, I felt good. Let's just say he had a crisis and I tried to help him out and somehow we ended up snuggling on the floor. There was no way I could look at what happened and make it seem like it was okay.

I stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out. I knew I had to face him, but it seemed so awkward. Maybe I should wait, and let him do all the talking.

''F
uck... Fuck... Fuck! I messed up!'' Avery was in the shower and I didn’t know what to do. I woke up with her in my arms, and God knows how good it felt, but Carter would kill me if he was still alive. No man was allowed to touch his girl. Three days after his death, I had not only spent the night with her, I'd also kissed his widowed wife. Idiot! I hated myself.

I waited nervously for her to come out of the bathroom, pacing desperately across the floor.

The creaking of the door let me know she was finally coming out.

''Girl?'' I called. ''Come here.''

She walked into the living room, wearing nothing but a satin robe. Her wet hair fell on her shoulders. There was no doubt she was avoiding looking at me.

''I'm... I.... I know what happened wasn't okay. Please forgive me.''

''It's okay, soldier, don't over think it. It didn’t mean anything.'' I loved when she called me soldier, but the rest of her words stung. They shot straight through my heart. It had meant something to me, in the most terrible way. I fell in love with her the first day we met. Her beautiful blue eyes and long blond hair had taken my breath away. Her smile had me hooked from the beginning and I promised myself there and then I would try to make her smile at least once a day. On that fateful day, I realized no other girl would make me as happy as she did. I wanted her badly, but Carter beat me to it and there was no way I could hate him for that, because I had never claimed her. Now I had her to myself for the first time in years and the circumstances were fucking horrible.

My mind was still caught up with reliving the night I'd spent beside her, but the guilt I felt was dreadful. I had to admit I'd liked it and hated myself for doing it at the same time. The kiss happened because I couldn't control myself. My emotions and needs overwhelmed me and I'd made a fool of myself.

At least, she would let it go this time...

~~~*~~~

I
knew Megan was about to arrive to help Avery with the turkey. We had bought everything from the girls’ never-ending list of Christmas requirements. I ate breakfast with Avery, in hopes that there wouldn’t be any weirdness between us. We seemed to be good, she wasn't cold or keeping her distance. Maybe she really was letting it go.

I left her alone after doing the dishes and I went to my place. The idea of leaving her alone didn’t appeal to me, but I knew it was only for a short period of time. I hadn’t been to my place for quite some time. I needed a change of clothes, a shower and a shave. Women didn't really like three-day growth, as far as I could see.

I had to mentally slap myself for even thinking about appealing to Avery. What the fuck was wrong with me? My feelings for her were apparently stronger than my grieving for her late husband, not to mention the fact that he was my very good friend. I hated myself like I never had before. In the past, I had no trouble controlling my feelings for Avery, and not even four days after Carter's death, and I’m losing my fucking mind. I banged my fist on the wall, leaving a dent in the plaster. Frustration was rising and so was the pain.

''I'm so sorry, Carter. I didn’t mean to fuck up like this,'' I said, looking skyward. The Carter I knew would despise me if he were still alive. It made me hate myself even more, knowing I was such a hypocrite.

After a shower, I sat on my small couch in front of the non-functional TV and drank the remainder of a bottle of Jack Daniels. Thankfully, there wasn't enough to make me oblivious, just enough to make me numb.

The pain in my chest was increasing, making my heart beat faster, and I threw the bottle against the front door and cried like the broken man I was. Never in my life had I faced a similar situation, I didn’t know what to do or think. I couldn’t expect anything from Ave because it was too soon, but I hoped one day she would see how good we could be together. I could take care of her and give her the family she and Carter had wanted. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of how I was able to steal Carter's dreams so shamelessly. I was disgusted by myself. I ran to the kitchen sink and emptied everything my stomach contained. It burned and it hurt, but it represented everything I deserved.

Christmas dinner was going to be a lot harder than I had expected. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror while I shaved. How was I going to be able to face Avery and Patrick? Avery wasn't stupid, she would put all the pieces together. All those years of being single, never dating anyone seriously, but always looking out for her. Our emails, our letters, our phone calls, she would study them and find all the hints of my feelings for her. I had lied to her and Carter for so many years.

After an hour or two of moping around, I tried to find decent clothes and walked back to her place. 'White Christmas' was playing softly in the background as I entered her house. The smell wafting through the rooms was mouth-watering. The other guests hadn't arrived yet.

''Avery?'' I called her as I walked into the living room.

''Make yourself at home, I’m in my room.''

I sat on the couch where I had spent the best and worst night of my life. I hid my face behind my hands, I didn’t know how to act around her any more.  Life would bring her to me, if it was meant to be. I promised myself to pray every night to have her for myself. Watching her walk away with another man wasn't a possibility, not for a second time. It would kill me.

''Hey soldier!''

''Hey...'' My voice was just a whisper. I lifted my eyes to look at her and she was unbelievably beautiful. She was wearing a black and red dress, which fitted her like a second skin. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

''Hummm, I'm a little embarrassed to ask, but could you zip me up? I can't reach the damn thing.'' Her cheeks were reddish and I could clearly see embarrassment in her eyes.

''Sure.'' I got up and she turned her back to me. Her skin looked so soft. I slowly zipped her up, avoiding touching her skin.

''Thank you.'' She turned around and smiled shyly. ''Do you want something to drink? I have beer, wine, coffee or water.''

''I'll take a coffee.'' I needed something that would straighten me out and wake me up.

''I'll be right back. Two sugars, two creams, right?''

''You got it, girl.''

Okay, great. We were cool. She probably wasn’t struggling as much as I was, but it was all good. She brought me a steaming cup of coffee in no time and sat next to me on the couch. I kept my eyes on the cup but I could feel her eyes on me. Her gaze burned into me like a laser would.