Love and Death in Blue Lake (12 page)

Ruby said, “Sorry, Mom.”

Then her mom explained about the surgery. How she’d had to have an emergency hysterectomy as well.

Courtney couldn’t reply. She held her living girl’s hand, hoping Ruby would never know Courtney herself had killed that little embryo as surely as if she’d stabbed her stomach with a knife. Her lies. Her emotions. Her darkness. It had all pushed that precious almost-being into nothing.

“I found you at the house when you didn’t meet us after church,” her mom said, patting Courtney’s shoulder, then capturing her cheek with her soft hand. “I just had a feeling.”

“Edward signed the divorce papers.”

“Ah.” Her mom gave her hand one last squeeze, even though there was an IV needle poking out of it with tape holding it in place. She was so tired. She wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, but she knew that was her pain talking, trying to take her under. And under scared her. Under like in a coffin. Her heart clutched, then sped. Buried alive. Her heart rushed so fast she couldn’t breathe. She pushed the bell on her bed. Kept pushing.

“Get the nurse!”

Ruby rushed into the corridor. Unfortunately, her daughter had seen Courtney in full blown panic mode before. Ruby came back with a doctor and shoved Courtney’s bottle of Xanax at him. Ruby must have gotten it from the medicine cabinet at Mom’s. Bless that child.

“Panic disorder?”

Courtney nodded, barely hanging on. As far as phobias, this was a new one for her, but the panic washed over her the same way.

“I’ll be right back.” The doctor took her bottle of pills when he left. She had never wanted anything as much as she’d wanted that bottle of pills. A nurse came in an eternity later with two blue pills in a little paper cup. She handed the cup to Courtney and poured out a glass of water, but by the time she handed that over, Courtney had swallowed the pills dry, rocking herself and trying to breathe and being unable to or even explain to her terrified mom what was happening. “I’m going to die.” Then, seeing Ruby’s stricken face, she amended her statement. “I
feel
like I’m going to die.” She had to be strong for her daughter. And her mother. She took the glass of water the nurse urged on her and sipped it.

“It’s the panic,” the efficient nurse told her mom and Ruby, giving Courtney a shot that instantly made her limp and relaxed. Where had the doctor gone? She floated down a dark, comfortable well. Peace. The nurse cleared the room. Courtney said goodbye to the people in the world who loved her the most. She watched them leave. It would be okay. Everything would be just fine.

She didn’t sleep. Didn’t want a sleeping pill on top of the shot and double dose of Xanax. It was safe; she was practically a pharmacologist she had referred so many patients. Feeling this peace was enough until the meds wore off sometime in the middle of the night. The duty nurse brought her another Xanax, but one only took the panic down to anxiety level. She could go through the anxiety now. She wasn’t protecting anyone. Her mom would take care of Ruby. Her house would get put together. And somehow, one day, she would put herself back together again, too.

****

Lily was giddy. Bob was her best friend, and now he would be her lover. She’d wanted it, worked for it, tried to heal herself and be the woman he needed and deserved. She hardly touched her breakfast, although Bob devoured his.

“Keep your strength up, big fella. You’re gonna need it.”

“Huh?” Bob slammed down his empty glass with a bit more force than necessary. “You what?”

“I’m ready. I want to.” Lily put this front on about being all confident and in control, but beneath that she was a scared girl, and she knew it. She’d never be ready. There’d never be a perfect time. But if she wanted Bob, and she did, she had to try. Maybe they’d fail, but she had to try. When was there ever a time in her life when she didn’t at least do that?

Bob threw some bills on the bar, and they left for Blue Heaven. It was too bad Eddie wouldn’t help them, but she could sense that Bob was in. He was considering it. All that was needed was for her to make love to him, bind herself to him. Then he’d do it. Lily had the bungalow to herself and she’d kept it sealed off from the outside; every blind closed tight, every curtain drawn, and every door locked. So even though the office was busy and a cleaning crew banged around upstairs, they had a cocoon of two.

She loved his sweet face. She did not deserve this devotion, but she was grateful for it. She went right into the bedroom and stripped. This is the way she’d done it before, but Bob seemed perplexed.

“Wait, wait,” he said, kissing her neck and helping take off the final scraps of bra and panties, running his fingers over her body.

Then she was naked, and he was not. So she unzipped his jeans. Guys liked that. Right? They’d always seemed to. She prepared to go down on him with him standing right there still in his shoes because that was the fastest way and then they’d leave. Oh right, she thought, the goal here is penetration. Intimacy, not just sex. Not that penetration was intimacy exactly, but for her it was a trust thing. Still a hurdle after all these years. Her need for revenge burned like a hot coal when Bob touched her, his hands in her hair, pulling her up to face him.

Way more touching and kissing than she was used to. She unbuttoned his Sunday shirt. He was supposed to be at church but had picked her up and she talked him into going for breakfast instead. She’d had a sexy dream about him last night that surprised her. It woke her up at three a.m. It was a sign. Even before Eddie said no. Today was the day.

They lay naked under the sheets. Lily felt safe covered up at least in some way. Bob drew her nude body next to his, and she let him. He smoothed her hair away from her face. “I love you, Lily.”

“I know. I love you.” They kissed again, and she climbed on top of him. Guys liked that too. Whoa. She was lubricated. That didn’t usually happen; usually it hurt.

She slid up and down him like he was a stripper pole. Guys liked that. She’d had a lot of practice, knew all their desires. She leaned down a little bit, brushing her nipples this close to his lips. He took the bait, but for her, it wasn’t a win, she felt something too. Something like a string tugging her back to her dream last night and the sensations it had unleashed.

Bob put his arms around her waist and moved her below him, considerably slowing the pace she’d set. They looked right into each others’ eyes and Lily liked what she saw reflected there. Reverence, joy, lust. This was going to be okay, she thought as she tumbled into the first orgasm of her life.

After, he held her with such tenderness that she cried.

“Oh honey, no, wait, was it—”

“Shhh. Not bad. Good. So good.”

He stroked her arm and kissed her cheek. “It’s okay now. You have me.”

And my gun, Lily thought. Also cameras. Lots of cameras.

****

Tuesday, Courtney was released from the hospital, and her mom asked if she wanted help packing up her childhood bedroom. Courtney had decided it would be therapeutic to clean everything out. Throw it away. Give it away. Put it in her own attic. Courtney hadn’t taken much when she’d moved out the first time, with Eddie. Maybe clothes and makeup and that was it.

She had a checklist for the movers. The bedroom furniture. Her new house had three big bedrooms, and her mom had just gotten new mattresses. Wouldn’t her mom want this stuff for a guest room herself? No, she would not. It was going to be a sewing room, a place to put photos (real ones, not digital) into albums, a place to quilt. It was going to be a craft space. Huh.

Edward’s letter was in the back of the closet, under a pile of boxes filled with childhood mementos and keepsakes. She’d pulled out the boxes, intending to go through them one by one, when she found it, the lined school paper yellowed, the handwriting loopy and youthful, unlike Edward’s mature scrawl on the divorce papers he’d handed her that morning, only a week ago, but that felt like years ago. The day she’d lost her baby.

“Dear Court, I love you honey with all my heart, blood, and bones. There isn’t a piece of me that doesn’t love a piece of you. I’m devastated right now, totally crushed by your words.” What words? She couldn’t remember. “The guys were goofing around, and we were drunk, and you did look damn hot in that dress. I am not going to apologize for that because it’s true. My love for you is about more than your beauty, your soulful eyes, your brain teeming with ideas and schemes and thoughts that I can barely keep up with. My love for you—and I thought yours for me—is primal. It’s at the bottom of everything. It invades my reptile brain and hijacks my neocortex. I’m a caveman when I’m with you. Those ancient genetics take over. You’re mine. I’m yours. When you say we need a break, or we should date other people—” She said that? When? She never wanted anyone but him. She must have been pissed and paying him back. He acted like an ass with his friends sometimes. “I will give up the band. I will sell the car. I will never drink whiskey again. I do not need anyone but you. I prefer it that way.”

A big slash and his name and then under than more words. “Whoa. Sorry. What just happened was I got thrown back by this giant tsunami of hurt. I was out of it, thinking about life without you. That can’t happen. I won’t let it. We can get past this thing and any other damn thing that comes. We have to because if we don’t our lives will be shit. They will surely be fucked utterly…we need to be together now and always and I stand by those words. I’m bringing this letter to your house and putting it in your hand and if you tear it up after you read it I’ll know it’s true, you really do want to break up. But if something in my words touches you, like the fact that I will never love anyone but you, and I will always love you, so that means I will grow alone into a bitter old man, and you don’t want that for me, now do you honey? I love you more than these words can express. Let me show you while your folks are at church. Come on. Let me into your Courtney places. We will be together always, my love. As I come to you with nothing except my bloody heart in my hands, my sincere apology on my lips, and the endlessly deep love in my eyes, take me in, I want to be lost in you. Your Edward.”

Tears ran down Courtney’s eyes. She’d cried so much these past few days. Were these new tears for Edward or the baby she’d lost? Some of what Edward had said came true. He never married. He was alone. He wasn’t quite an old man, but soon. Why didn’t he see now that they could change the trajectory of their lives, put it back in place, make the letter true again. She should show it to him. She moved it away so tear stains would not ruin it. The ink was faded enough on that most precious document.

Oh Edward. Oh little one. She sat among the detritus of her childhood, bruised and sore and beaten up. Why does youth squander happiness like there is a never-ending supply? Why had she thought she could possibly be happy or even fully alive without Edward? She had not been. She’d had moments. He’d had moments. They added to years of satisfaction perhaps, but nothing so intimate as this letter depicted. She would cherish it always.

Edward’s way with words, the way he chose unusual ones, always searching for the perfect phrase to add to a song. That was in there. He had talent. He could do something with his life. She felt ashamed. Had she demanded he quit the band? He knew she didn’t like the hot rods and the drinking combination. She worried, she said. She didn’t want his pretty face to get smashed. His long muscular legs to break. His strong arms to snap. But the band. No. That was his life, his passion, and she knew what passion felt like. She supported it.

The phone rang. Edward. She clicked on without checking Caller ID. Xander. She was so shocked she didn’t say anything.

“Are you there?”

“Yes.”

“I got your text. Have you come to your senses yet? When will you be home?”

If it blocks, stop.
Here’s something she could stop. She had to stop. Now. Forever. “Xander. I bought a house. The baby is gone. I’m sorry.” She really was, more than he could possibly know. At least now she was not lying. She held back a sob, then decided to let it out. He went on as if she were not crying. As if they had not just lost their child.

“It can be our summer place. The boys would love it. And I want to get to know your family.”

She made no comment. That was the first she’d heard about him wanting any connection at all to her family.

“Xander. Go home and patch things up with your wife. It’s been good, so let’s end it on a good note.”

“It has been good, that’s what I mean.”

Finally, she got him off the line, convinced him it was over. She’d tried to make them a family, working, cooking, cleaning, easing Ruby into a routine of acceptance of Xander, and sometimes, his sons. Ruby was a good girl and played along, but Courtney realized that that’s all it was. Play. Ruby didn’t care about Xander. And neither did she. She put her hand on her tummy, protective still of the child they’d made. Then she remembered as tears continued to fall.

She wanted to read the letter from Edward again. It made her forget the baby grief, at least for a few minutes. She read it again. Five times. Over and over like a love-sick teenager. She wondered where Edward was right now. She wondered what these pages would mean to him. To her, they called out across the years. They made her determined to win him back.

The movers came in and she put the letter in her purse, showing them which boxes to move to her new attic and which to leave on the back porch for the church.

Then she went to find her family at her new house.

****

Besides the few things she’d bought in Port Huron, the large foyer was beautifully decorated with a mirror and small settee. There were lamps and tables, upon which rested a bowl for keys and mail and family pictures in frames. “It’s all stuff from the attic…of course you’ll want to buy your own things, but this will get you started,” her sister said. Though her mother, father, sister, brother, and Ruby all hovered, nobody mentioned the baby. But the house. If she could focus on the house. The house was glorious.