Love and Death in Blue Lake (11 page)

Courtney had not lost the baby. She had lied. And accused Xander of giving her his wife’s ring. Xander didn’t deny it. He took the ring and left. That’s when she told Eddie she’d lied to Xander about the baby, because yes, there was still a baby, but she needed to “get him off her back.” Eddie had been paralyzed with a kind of horror. Who was this woman and where was his Courtney? She had looked at her phone, then at him, said, “Sorry, babe, I gotta pick up Ruby.” Then she changed from his clothes to her dress and left. No explanation, no remorse, nothing.

He knocked at her door, and she opened it still in her robe. Her folks, he knew, were at church. He handed her the envelope with his signature on the divorce filing. Then he said good-bye. So he drove away again, ending after ending with this woman, his wife, at least for now. It was good he had eggs to crack and whisk and stir. Because he needed to be busy and not to think about this woman any more. She and Xander deserved each other.

Before he’d even gotten everything prepped, in popped Bob and Lily. Eddie eyed the videographer warily. She might be as crazy as Courtney. You just never knew with women. The way she’d followed them around like she was making a documentary of their lives or something. It was way off base. She didn’t have her camera with her this morning, but when she swung her purse onto the bar, it made a distinctive thwack. Like a gun. He eyed the little suede fringy thing. It was just big enough for a lady gun and a driver’s license.

Christ. Lily and Bob didn’t watch where they walked at all, they only watched each other. Funny how Lily was a videographer; she should be a model with those cut cheekbones, full lips, and jutting hips. Her blonde hair hung shiny and long and was just dark enough to look natural. She was a beauty, and her adoration of young Bryman was apparent. Also apparent, the feeling was entirely mutual and so thick he could smell it. This made him feel unsettled.

Had he ever been that young? He’d been that in love. Once. But Courtney had changed. He didn’t want to think about her. His eyes went to the fringed suede purse casually slung across his bar. Other folks had started trickling in. Just a few but still. He had one waitress on and she poured a pitcher for his geezer regulars at the far end of the bar, then went over to the two full tables by the dance floor. What would Lily need with a gun? And did he really want it on his bar?

Lily and Bob finally quit staring in adoration at each other long enough to acknowledge his presence. He set cardboard coasters in front of them. “What’ll it be?”

“Two breakfasts, eggs scrambled, and two Virgin Marys.”

That’s how good his mix was. People ordered them without the vodka all the time. Especially early in the day. He poured out drinks and went into the kitchen, popped toast into the six slicer, sipped strong coffee only he was drinking.

After he served the love birds, he went to the end of the bar to shoot the breeze with his geezers. Nothing new there. Just like everyone else in town, they wanted the dirt on Courtney.

“Ancient history.” Eddie didn’t want to discuss Courtney. Not now, not ever.

“Oh, yeah, that, you used to go out with her a hundred years ago.”

“And we been hearing youse are keeping company again.”

Keeping company. Such a quaint phrase for what they’d done last time they’d been together. Was it just last night?

One of the geezers had been their science teacher in high school. Thank god he had not been at the reunion, although a few of the teachers had shown. He hadn’t seen Eddie sneak Courtney away before the party really got started. Of course it would be on the video for everyone to see if Ms. Lily had her way. He’d have to talk to that young lady about editing. And guns in bars.

“So, Eddie.” Geezer Teacher laughed, his back teeth empty sockets. “We heard she bought Doc’s place. She’s back. We got us an honest to pete head-shrinker in town now.” He shook his head in wonder.

“I heard about that,” Eddie said. He pretended urgent business at the other end of the bar, but the lovebirds whispered intently to each other. They didn’t need a thing. He went into the kitchen, buttered their toast, plated up their order and refilled his coffee mug. Black. Like his mood.

Well, damn it, he was sorry, he just couldn’t do it. Go back. Try again. The whole foundation of the thing was shaky. It was made of air. All that distance. All the years. They could never be together the way she wanted to; he could never raise another man’s kid as his own knowing the true father had no clue he had a child in the world. Like Ruby’s dad. Four hundred kids, Ruby had told him. He didn’t give a damn about having a kid in the world, that guy. But the guy with the diamond ring the size of a quarter that he’d maybe stolen from the finger of his current wife, he cared.

It was too much for Eddie. It wasn’t enough. He had too much to lose. Not material things but integrity. He’d built himself into someone who, admittedly, was a little loose with the ladies, he was human, but otherwise a solid citizen and pillar of the community. He remembered the days and months after Courtney had left. His rage burned so hot. He scorched every woman he took to bed. He’d left burn marks. He’d scarred some. He was ashamed of his early behavior. He’d had to crawl out of that hole she’d dropped him into, and it had taken everything. His interest in cars. His interest in music. His interest in anything. He drank too much for a couple of months, then stopped that shit. It only made things worse. He bought the bar without thinking through why. He had to do something with his life. The previous owner died. The place, while not a gold mine, was a good earner. He had a little bit of money, and Daniel Bryman, the town benefactor, had loaned him the rest. Eddie paid him back early and with interest. Turned out summer people liked his idea of getting new bands in to play every night, and sometimes all day. It had been a no-brainer, and he’d been able to turn his mind off. Did the Zen thing. Ambled along observing life, partaking of a willing accomplice in bed, but with a softer attitude that still included a get of jail free card at the end of the night.

He was now the man he would be for the rest of his life. Things would settle down. This black mood would pass as easily as the coffee he’d just drunk without noticing. Emotion sucked. He liked the Buddhist idea: desire leads to suffering, so detach. Take desire out of the equation and maintain a nice serene existence. There could not be anything with Courtney, not what she wanted, which seemed to be the same thing she wanted before she left. Sure it felt good to be with her, but it was all based on a lie. A huge deception. He couldn’t do it. Somehow, he’d become good. He brought the lovebirds their breakfast.

Then Lily pushed her plate aside and whispered a story to him that curled his hair. And that was saying something for a guy with Native American blood. She was even crazier than Courtney.

“So will you help us?” Lily asked him.

“Is that a gun in your purse?” He didn’t bother to reply. He’d talk to Bob later. Somebody had to straighten the kid out.

“What?” She blushed. “Why?”

“It’s illegal to carry a concealed weapon in an establishment that serves alcohol. Least that’s the last I heard. And you know my buddy is the police chief, right?” He kept his tone low so the geezers and the influx of tourists couldn’t hear him.

Lily pulled her purse onto her lap, and someone took the seat next to her.

“Eat and go. And also. No.” Eddie stared hard at Lily, then turned to Bob. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Chapter Six

Courtney put the envelope in a drawer and took out her journal. She hardly used it these days, but she needed a technique she often used in therapy. She was going to write a letter to Eddie. She would never send it, but she’d say on the page what she knew she would never share with another living soul.

“I’m thinking about you, of course I am. I realize how I screwed up in so many ways…I regret some things I said and did in the past, but I don’t regret that we reconnected. I fell too far too fast, and that wasn’t smart. It wasn’t like me either. I didn’t know what was happening except I liked it. I want to apologize for anything in my behavior that was inappropriate (which is so many things). What I think now is I was really unhappy and starting to realize it and you made me fully realize it, just the idea of you. When you seemed so content with your bar and your bands and your house of glass, it just made me happy for you but sad to realize that was not how my life is or ever was since Xander came into it—but that doesn’t give me the right to think I can come back to town and take up where we left off. Pregnant with another man’s baby.” She stopped writing for a minute. At least she had cleared that up with Edward. She picked up her pen again. “You have a good life, and you’re content, mostly. Maybe you have roads left in your shoes and if so, I hope you let them take you where you want to go. I just wish I had not crushed our friendship along with the romance. The romance was doing my head in because I want you so much. The friendship, precious and forever. But only in my heart. Has to stay there as I can’t reach out to you any more than I have already done. I’ve done all I can, and then some. I’ve crossed a line, I know I have. Just by a little bit, but that’s too much for me. All I can say is you carried me away with your charm and your love and your sexy self. All of it was just irresistible. I’ve never been strong as far as being able to pass up something I want really really bad. And I wanted you really really bad. I could tell that you were easing away after I told you about the baby, and you were trying to get us to slow down, and I just would not take the hint. I didn’t value my partner as I should—but there’s more to that story than you need to know. It’s for me to work out and not your problem. I think you knew that, too, and sensed I needed room to figure things out without your influence. That’s how good and kind you are. You’re in my heart, baby. You’ll never leave it again. This is a small town, but I suppose it’s possible I might not ever see you again, or hear your voice, or even read a note from you to me, but I am not sorry any of this happened except how I hurt you and disturbed your life. That I am sorry for. I think you’re a strong person, and you’ll be okay, and you’ll find your footing and probably already have, but any moment of sadness, anger, or anything else negative that I brought into your life, I regret. The good stuff was good, and I’m grateful for it all. Please find me in the next life or the next world and we will try to make it work. Love you, blood, bones, and soul, sweetheart. You are the ONE. And I lost you twice. Or…will you return to me, my love?” She crossed out the last lines, mad at herself for hoping for things that just were not going to come true. She shoved the journal in the drawer with the divorce papers and threw on a pair of jeans. Her only pair of jeans. Pulled a T-shirt over her hair still stiff with spray from last night.

Her family were all at church. Courtney was alone in the house. She felt seventeen again. She had to get out of here. Damn lot of good writing had done her. Her heart felt like it was filling her chest cavity, or maybe she was having a heart attack or was it just panic? She did her breathing and tried to settle down. She stumbled over to the bed and sobbed. She’d do anything for a Xanax right now. But the baby. She had to protect the baby. And that meant working through her upset in the most healthy way. Drop the story. Whatever it was. Feel the feelings. Let them pass through. Edward didn’t love her. Stab. They were not going to get a second chance. Stab. Stay with the pain, let it flow, then let it go. She had fled her life in search of another, but it hadn’t turned out exactly as she’d hoped. Wait, that was story. Stop it. Just feel the hurt, breathe it in and out. Her ongoing research in the field of neuroscience and the newish fMRI imaging proved that this type of behavior modification indeed settled the amygdala more quickly. Let the pain be heard; it will move on soon enough.

She expected to have a dull ache for a while. That was normal. But she had to build some purpose into her life, some sense of happiness outside of Edward. Happiness did not depend on a man. She had told that to so many women. But now she knew that she had lied. Because her happiness depended on Edward. Stop the story, she told herself. Breathe. Feel. Let go.

But she couldn’t. So she walked. She walked to her new house only three blocks from where her parents lived. The furniture would be arriving tomorrow. She amazed herself with the speed at which she had turned her life upside down, but everything had pointed her in this direction.
If it flows, go. If it blocks, stop.
One of her tidy aphorisms. So easy to say and the first part easy to do. The problem came with trying to stop. She had to stop loving Edward. It felt so dark now. The sun was out, shining, a perfect day for the reunion picnic, but she was skipping it. The dark was in her, and she had to live with it and let it pass in its own time. For the baby’s sake.

It had been wrong to tell Xander his child was dead. Maybe she should get an abortion so that the lie would become the truth. Oh no, that made the stabbing in her heart stronger, like she was stabbing her womb. She had to tell Xander the truth. He had to know. Where was he staying? Surely not Blue Heaven. She stood in front of her house. She’d stupidly left the key at her parents’ place. Stop calling yourself stupid. She had her phone. She texted him. Where are you? No answer. He must be in the air, flying home. She started to text him again, the truth this time. He’d see it when he landed. But she felt faint, like she needed to sit down, or better still, lie down. She went around to the backyard. The lawn had been neatly trimmed, and everything looked move in ready. Someone had placed a hammock under the big maple tree. It had to have been her mother. A surprise. She knew how Courtney loved the one in her folks’ yard.

There was a blessing she could count, right there. So she said a thank-you to the universe and tried to feel gratitude. It was too hard. All she felt, still felt, was pain. Physical pain. Pain that made her double over with grief and sadness. She let herself fall.

****

Courtney woke up in the hospital two towns south of Blue Lake, her mom and Ruby on either side of the hospital bed. “What happened?” But she knew. She’d lost the baby. Their eyes told it all.