Love and Lists (Chocoholics) (11 page)

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Aunt Liz asks.

“No. But I’ll kiss Gavin’s mother with this mouth.”

Everyone needs to stop talking right now before my brain explodes all over this fucking room.

“Speaking of kissing, Charlotte kissed Gavin the other night,” Tyler adds.

“WHAT?!” Mom and Aunt Liz screech at the same time, whipping their heads in my direction.

“Oh my God, it’s happening, it’s really happening. We need to pick out a venue for the rehearsal dinner. Those things book fast,” Mom states, pulling out her cell phone and clicking on Google.

“Jesus, Mom, it was just a kiss. Stop googling restaurants.”

“Look up Stancato’s, I love their salads,” Aunt Liz says, standing behind my mom and looking over her shoulder.

“Fuck you, we’re not doing the rehearsal dinner at Stancato’s. Stop being such a whore for that place,” Mom complains.

“Hello! Will you two cut it out?” I shout.

“I’m going to punch you right in the vagina if you don’t pipe the fuck down,” Aunt Liz argues with my mom.

How did I lose control of this situation so quickly?

“Ladies, could I interest you in a pool of Jell-O while you hash this out?” Tyler pipes up.

Perfect. Just perfect. I find out my parents never actually made any important phone calls when I was growing up and locked me in my room just so they could bang, and now my mom and my aunt are back to planning a wedding between Charlotte and me when I don’t even know if she remembers that we kissed because she was so drunk.

This day can’t possibly get any worse.

“Jesus, Dad, what the hell happened?” I ask in a panic as I rush into the hospital room to find him in a gown, hooked up to a bunch of machines.

Toward the end of the testing meeting, my mom got a frantic phone call from Uncle Drew letting us know that my dad was rushed to the emergency room because he thought he was having a heart attack. My mom immediately hightailed it out of there, leaving Aunt Liz and me to quickly wrap up the meeting.

“The dragon on the ceiling has bingo teeth,” Dad says in a serious tone.

My eyebrows rise in surprise at his response, and I turn to my mom as she gets up from his bedside and walks over to me.

“Um, you should probably just ignore everything he says at this point in time,” she whispers.

“No, really. There are sharks on the planes in the window of the palm tree. My chin feels funny,” Dad mutters, reaching his hand up and scratching his nose.

“What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he having a heart attack?” I question.

We both turn to look at him when he bursts out laughing, pointing at his feet. “There are kittens licking my toes! Look at the kittens! Hi, little kittens!”

Mom sighs and turns back to me. “The doctor is still running some tests, but right now it doesn’t look like a heart attack or anything serious. He was at work and told Drew he felt funny—dizzy and nauseous. Then all of a sudden he told Drew he couldn’t feel either of his arms so Drew freaked out and brought him here.”

Dad continues to point and laugh at the kittens that aren’t there, and a few minutes later, Tyler joins us in the room.

“I parked your car in the garage, Gavin. Saw Drew and Liz outside. They’re going to call everyone and let them know what’s going on.”

Tyler tosses my car keys to me and I put them in my pocket. I was so worried when we got here that I jumped out of my car in front of the emergency room and told Tyler to go park my car.

“So what’s going on with big daddy? Is he dying?” Tyler asks as he sidles up to my mom and puts his arm around her shoulder.

She elbows him in the ribs and moves away. “I’m going to chop off your arm and beat you with the bloody stump. Gavin, I’m going to go get some coffee. Keep an eye on your dad. Call me on my cell if he starts crying again.”

Mom walks over to my dad and kisses him on the cheek before leaving the room. I move around to the side of his bed and take the seat my mom had been occupying.

“How are you feeling, Dad?” I ask.

“These chicken feet have pot whistles,” my dad complains to the ceiling.

I sigh and look over at Tyler. He looks a little guilty. He’s biting his nails and staring wide-eyed at my dad.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure all of your wishes that he would die so you could make a move on my mom aren’t coming true,” I tell him with a laugh, trying to lighten the situation now that I know Dad isn’t really having a heart attack.

“My penis is a pirate and I fight crime with a meat whistle sword. Who wants to pet my goat?” Dad asks.

“Oh, Jesus, you’re going to kill me,” Tyler moans.

“What are you talking about?”

Tyler stops biting his nails and begins pacing back and forth at the end of the bed.

“I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to kill me,” Tyler begs.

“Dad, I’ll be right back,” I tell him as I get up from my chair and move around to the end of the bed, grabbing Tyler’s arm to get him to stop pacing.

“FAIRYDUST!! EVERYONE GETS FAIRYDUST!” Dad yells.

“Oh my God, this is bad. This is really bad,” Tyler mutters as he stares at my dad.

“Tyler, what the hell is your problem?”

He sighs and turns away from my dad to look at me nervously, biting his lip. “So, remember yesterday morning,
naked and afraid
?”

“I thought we agreed to never speak of that again,” I complain.

“Yeah, well, I just now remembered why I was naked. The night before, after you passed out, I made some chocolate candies in your kitchen. And then ate one.”

I stare at him in confusion and then shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, and?”

Tyler bites his lip again and glances nervously between my dad and I.

“Shhhhhh, the puppies are making glue,” Dad warns us.

“And, um, well, they were ‘shroom chocolates.”

He looks at me worriedly and I’m still not catching on so I shrug again.

“Hence the reason for my nakedness. I was high that night,” Tyler adds.

Still not getting it, I stare at him in confusion.

“I made six chocolates and I ate one. But when I left your house that morning, there were only four chocolates left. Which means …”

I turn my face away from Tyler slowly and stare at my dad who now has his leg bent and his foot in his hand, staring at it intently.

“There’s no marshmallow in this. WHY THE FUCK ISN’T THERE ANY MARSHMALLOW? Tell the beaver to stop singing. I don’t like that song.”

Oh no. Oh my God. My dad stopped over that morning to drop off my mail.

“So yeah. I’m guessing this means your dad is tripping his balls off,” Tyler mumbles. “Hey, at least it’s not a heart attack.”

Now that I have this information, I should be a little bit relieved. I mean, Tyler’s right. At least it’s not something serious. But now I have to tell someone, like my mother. And she is going to kick my ass. I could just take this information to the grave, but I can’t let the doctors continue to test him for no reason. That’s just cruel.

“Gavin, oh my God, I got here as soon as I heard. Is your dad okay? What’s going on?”

Turning, I see Charlotte rush into the room and she throws herself in my arms. It feels so good to have her body pressed up against mine that for a minute I forget about the problem at hand. She squeezes me tightly to her, and I take a moment to just breathe her in. We haven’t spoke at all since the kiss, which is really unusual for us. We talk every single day whether it’s in person or via text. I’m not embarrassed at all by what happened between us at Fosters, but the fact that I haven’t heard from her since then makes me wonder if
she
is. And if she is, at least she’s able to put it aside and be here for me. At least the fact that she still cares about me hasn’t changed. But if I tell her that my dad isn’t really sick, and the reason for him being in the hospital, she’s probably going to be pissed and no longer concerned for my well-being.

I know I’m an ass. Don’t judge me.

Staring over her shoulder at Tyler, I give him a look that says “I really want to kick your ass right now, but I won’t because I’m an awful person and I’m going to use this to my advantage.”

“They think he might be having a heart attack. I’m so worried,” I tell her, burying my face in the side of her neck and holding her tighter.

“I HAVE A MEAT WHISTLE!” my dad yells.

Charlotte pulls away from me and looks over at him.

“Did he just yell about his meat whistle?” she whispers.

“Um, yeah, just ignore him. It’s the drugs they have him on to keep him comfortable,” I tell her quickly.

Tyler laughs behind us and I shoot him an angry glare.

“Alright, I just spoke to the doctor down in the cafeteria and it looks like there’s nothing—”

“MOM! Thank God you’re back,” I interrupt her quickly.

Stepping away from Charlotte, I pull mom over to the door and lower my voice.

“So, here’s the thing. Dad accidentally ate a ‘shroom chocolate that Tyler made at my place the other night so he’s not having a heart attack. He’s just really, really high. But Charlotte doesn’t know that and she’s worried about me, so we’re just going to go with it, okay?”

I stop rambling and try not to wince at the wide-eyed look my mom is giving me. The look that says her head is about to explode.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she finally mutters. She leans around me and stares angrily at Tyler. Tyler just shrugs and waves at her while Charlotte steps over to the side of my dad’s bed and grabs his hand.

“It’s going to be okay, Uncle Carter. You just concentrate on getting better and I’ll make sure Gavin is okay,” she tells him softly.

I smile brightly at Charlotte’s words but quickly wipe the happiness off of my face when I turn back to see my mom glaring at me.

“Charlotte, have you made any phone calls with Gavin yet? You’re probably going to need to help him pull out his antenna, I don’t think he knows how it works,” Dad explains.

Mom laughs, patting me on the back when she sees the look of horror on my face before walking around me to go over to my dad. Charlotte moves out of her way and comes back over to me.

“Wow, I can’t believe how out of it your dad is. I feel so bad. Are you having a problem with your phone? Do you need me to take a look at it?” she asks.

“Gavin, pull out your phone and show her how broken it is,” Tyler says with a laugh.

“There’s nothing wrong with my phone. It works perfectly fine,” I growl.

Charlotte holds her hand out in front of me. “Don’t be stubborn. Put your phone in my hand. I’m really good with phones.”

Tyler laughs again and I reach over and smack him in the arm.

“Really, my phone isn’t broken,” I reiterate.

“Dude, Charlotte is
really
good with phones. Let her touch it,” Tyler snorts.

“Gavin, if you don’t give me your phone right now, I’m going to reach into your pocket and take it out myself,” Charlotte argues.

“I am so turned on right now,” Tyler whispers.

“I have a better idea. Why don’t we get out of here for a little while and give my mom and dad some peace and quiet,” I tell her, trying to change the subject.

Charlotte sighs and looks back over her shoulder at my parents. “That’s probably a good idea. Your dad needs his rest and you need to do something to take your mind off of what’s going on with him.”

Elated by the idea that I’m going to spend some more quality time with Charlotte, I tell my parents goodbye and leave Tyler with them. He deserves the punishment of my mother’s wrath for the rest of the afternoon after what he did.

Charlotte grabs my hand as we head toward the door, and I try not to skip across the room in happiness when she laces her fingers with mine.

“We can do whatever you want today. It’s your choice. But just so you know, I
will
have my hand on your phone by the end of the night,” Charlotte threatens.

“MAKE SURE HE PUTS A PROTECTIVE COVER ON HIS PHONE!” my dad screams at us as we exit into the hallway.

“So hypothetically, what would you say if I told you I broke up with Rocco?” Charlotte asks.

We’ve been at my apartment ever since we left the hospital and we’ve consumed quite a bit of beer. All of our empties clang together as Charlotte leans forward and slams her bottle on the coffee table before curling her legs underneath her, sitting next to me on the couch.