Love Delivered (21 page)

So, instead of charting the globe that summer, I stayed in the tri-state area, spilling my guts, at a progressive rate, to my therapist. I was able to pseudo confess to him that I’d purposely impregnated Zoey. He saw right through me, professionally, and asked for full disclosure. I’d never been the type of man to pussyfoot around topics, but on the other hand, it was a bit difficult for me to reveal my shit. However, Ezra’s approach was so seamless, my confessions poured…well, as much as I could stomach. He and I talked a lot about self-identity, something that intrigued a man of my lifestyle. Conversely, his teachings went deeper, requiring me to isolate my existence from all other people in my life. Things began to click in a particular session.

“Stenton, we must define who we are without the factor of how others view us.”

“Come again…?”

Ezra inclined in his seat, leveling his eyes with mine.

“We should all be aware of those qualities we possess without the influence of others. The identity at the core of our beings. Those elements we hold regardless of who we’re interacting with. If you had no family or friends, who would you be today? What are your interests? What makes you happy? What are your moral boundaries? What are your vices? All of these factors are a part of your identity…elements of you. People can take you or leave you, it wouldn’t matter because their presence or lack thereof doesn’t change your identity, only you do.” He sat back in his seat. “So, again, if you had no family or friends, who would you be today?

My face wrinkled, “I’d be a baller, that’s for sure.”

“How do you figure?”

“Because my career wasn’t guided by family or friends. I was pushed by people in that line of work…coaches…scouts. And because that’s what’s in me. It’s a part of my expression. It’s what I’m good at.”

“Okay.” He nodded. “Your emotional make up, would that have varied?”

“Without family or friends? Hell, yeah.”

“How so?”

“I think I’d be better suited for relationships.”

“Of what kind?”

“Shit,” I scoffed. “The romantic type, for one.”

“You don’t think you’re emotionally equipped for one? Consider all of your elements.”

There was a pause.

“You’re stalling,” he muttered.

“No. I don’t think I am.”

“But you’re planning for a romantic relationship with Zoey at some point.”

“Yeah.”

“What makes you think you’ll be ready then?”

“Because she makes me want to be great for her. She’s the only woman who has my ass thinking and rethinking on how to get everything right.”

“Aren’t you forgetting the one element of your identity? Control.”

“Huhn?”

“You like to control, Stenton. You thrive on it. You need it. Apparently, Zoey also submitted to your control. You introduced her to the lifestyle the first scene you did with her. You demonstrated your need for control, something that we Dom’s need to have.”

“Yeah, I guess that is a part of my makeup. My element,” I murmured much to myself. That realization made my head spin.

“Who are you without Zoey?” he continued.

“Shit…a floater.”

He shook his head. “You are a man governed by control. I don’t agree.”

“Why?”

“Because a woman with the capabilities of Zoey that you’ve shared doesn’t fall in love with floaters.” His brows came together. “You told me she was in love with you before you split.”

“She was.” I shook my head, exasperated.

“Stenton, you shared with me in another session that you impregnated her to anchor her to your world while she “grew up.” You had no confidence in your self-identity if you believed that without a child together she wouldn’t have stayed and grown by your side. You didn’t have confidence in the other elements of your self-identity. You only utilized control. Impregnating Zoey was controlling her. That isn’t the best factor to use for those of us who struggle with the need for it. You went beyond controlling her in scenes. You went to controlling her destiny.”

“
Shit
…”

And that was pretty much how we flowed and what discoveries were made in those sessions. I wasn’t healed, just enlightened and therefore well-positioned to make needed adjustments in my life. On occasion I was able to improve on some of my, now, highlighted flaws. And sometimes, I ignored my new tools from those sessions.

Then

August 2010

~
Stenton
~

Everything was at least stable in my life. I’d just sent Jordan off with his grandparents to South Carolina the day before for Sarah’s birthday. It was my weekend to keep him, but she was due down there for a birthday getaway, and I so happened to add to the agenda of her trip a surprise gift from me. I’d been attending counseling sessions that were starting to resonate. It had been three months since my break up with Erika, and that relieved a lot of the pressure I was under since the spring. My training numbers had been improving. I was in a great place.

That was until I decided to go out to a low key party my boy, Hakim, was giving at his loft near the Main Line in Philly. Hakim’s a freelance photographer who’s well-known in the industry for his talents with the camera as well as his affinity for networking among the elite. The only reason I considered his invitation was because the gathering was at his home and not at a facility open to the public.

As I walked through the door, I observed the contemporary, yet industrialized décor of the place. There was lots of brick and chrome. There were reds in the detail of the place mixed with black leather. I saw big ass abstract art posted on his walls. Hakim’s place was nice. People lined the walls, socializing and sipping.

“Hey, Stent!” I turned to a small hand grabbing my lower arm. I looked down to find Alaina, Hakim’s cousin, who had been after my cock for at least two years. I’d known her for years, but her interest in me was more recent. She was a decent looking woman, flawless cocoa skin, slender with a medium ass. Nothing I couldn’t work with. It was that she was too fucking young. I didn’t do young girls; only Zoey a few years ago, but no one since her. I’d had no desire since her either. “Al and Hakim are in the kitchen,” she muttered somewhat sensually, to which I nodded. “Come see me before you leave, I want to chat with you about something.”

That was definitely seductive. And I wasn’t beat. I nodded politely and walked off into the direction she pointed me to. The last thing I needed was a woman. I had no fucking capacity for or interest in taking one on at that point in my life. I was barely surviving the few I’d had.

When I entered the kitchen, it appeared almost as crowded as the corridor with people standing around chatting it up. I spotted the fellas almost right away. It was hard not to when I saw a cypher that was up in laughter every few seconds.
It must be Al in the middle of that circle
. 

  As I drew closer I heard, “And that bitch said, ‘
I thought you said me, you and a few friends tonight
’.” Alton grabbed his crotch. “I said, ‘
Yeah, bitch. Here my other three friends right here. Now be polite and say hello to my little friends!
’”

I shook my head as the small crowd busted out laughing. Alton was known for his lewd talk, but sometimes I wondered how much of his stories were fictional.

“StentRo!” Alton shot over to me and gave me some dap. “I ain’t know you was coming out, man.” He looked at me a little suspiciously.

At that same time, Hakim turned to me, throwing his shoulder into me as we clasped hands. “I’m glad you made it, Stent. I never know with you.”

I turned to Alton. “I just wanted to stop by for a few minutes to show my man some love.” Then I glanced over to Hakim. “Love what you did with the place. It’s nice as hell.”

“Thanks, man.” Hakim gave a slight bow.

Out the corner of my eye I could see Alton still shooting daggers at me. I turned back to him.

“What the fuck done crawled up your ass?” I asked. “I can help get it out.”

“Hang on a sec, Stent,” Hakim said before stepping off.

Alton damn near jumped up to my ear. “Yo, man, Tynisha is here.”

Ahhhh
. I got it. “She’s cramping your style, huhn? Can’t fucking run like you want?”

I can’t lie and say that fact didn’t make me feel uneasy my damn self. I hadn’t seen Tynisha since Jordan’s birthday party back in April, and even then I hadn’t had much of an exchange with her because although I had no details of the affairs that led up to Zoey being with that French prick, I knew Tynisha did. She and Zoey were officially girls and I was no fool as to believe Tynisha had no idea their relationship was turning physical. But what could I do? I’d pushed for that relationship—not friendship, just a relationship. What they grew into was beyond my control. It was simply another one-way stupid ass decision I’d made
for
Zoey that went wrong.

Alton was about to respond, but Hakim returned. “Yo, Stent!” Hakim called out to me when he arrived. “I have someone I want to introduce you to. He runs a summer camp for underprivileged children in North Philly, and wants to get some ‘
6ers
to visit them before the summer ends.”

Hakim moved and motioned for me to follow him. I looked over to Alton to tell him I’d be back. We walked out of the other doorway of the kitchen. From that side, I got a view of the open floor plan and could peruse the large living room and dining area next to it that was separated by a partitioned wall. There were droves of people talking and laughing over the mild music flowing. The energy was great. I would have expected nothing less from Hakim. He was a cool and standup dude.

“Hang on, Stent,” Hakim called over to me. “Stay put. I’ll find Brog and bring him to you.”

I guess that was more sensible than having my tall ass flocking behind him all over the place. As soon as he walked off, a waiter stopped my way and offered champagne. I took a flute as I continued to scan the room. At some point the crowd shifted to my left and created a path to a group of people talking. I lowered my glass as I strained my eyes to see if it was really her.

It was.

My heart fumbled in my chest.

Have you ever walked into a room and looked at someone and said by the end of the night you’d be fucking them? A man of my lifestyle had been privy to that experience. In my younger years, my boys and I, including Alton, would walk into a club and casually point out who we’d be leaving that place with. And we did. As sure as I felt the alcohol seeping into my bloodstream, I knew that I’d be fucking her before I closed my eyes for the night. And that was where my night turned wrong.   

She was speaking animatedly to a small circle of people who looked at her fixedly, clearly amused by the story she was telling. They all seemed to be hanging on to her every word. This surprised me because she never fed into this type of crowd. I couldn’t help but ogle her from bottom to top. She rocked platform snake print Red Bottoms, a chunky gold ankle bracelet, a silk purple jumpsuit that seemed to hug her in all of the right places, but not all over, giving her an extremely classy…mature appearance. Her arms were draped in gold bracelets, varying in shape and size. The sight of the thicker ones on her wrists had a similar sensation spiking my groin that the one on her ankle did to me. They reminded me of her, restrained. Her neck was draped in a thick gold rope that started as a choker and wrapped into a lower hanging neck piece below, and her hair was long and tamed.

I was sure Tynisha had influenced much of her fashion, but Zoey worked the grace and poise needed to pull off the overall look. She was incredibly sexy, appeared cultured and metropolitan. This was all clear by the dainty bend in her other wrist while she held a glass of wine. Zoey’s body now held more feminine grace. Though she was still a slender woman, her hips were present in a voluptuous manner to accompany her plush ass. Her breasts that had always been bountiful were now perky and accommodated her entire curvy, fit and firm body.  

Zoey’s presence jarred me and for a while I couldn’t move.

From a distance, though he was right next to me, I heard someone greet me. I didn’t look, neither did I respond. I was fucking stuck and watched how when Zoey delivered her punch line and had the small group howling in laughter, Tynisha held one of Zoey’s tiny wrists to stable herself while she barreled over in mirth.

The sight of Tynisha made my stomach twist. That’s because her presence represented to me Zoey’s development and evolution since she was in love with me. Zoey now ran with women older than her, with scandalous reputations. While I never believed anyone could influence Zoey—she was too damn headstrong to be a follower—the fact was she had friends who were worldlier than she was never set well with me. Zoey was now a full-fledged woman with edge and effortless sex appeal. Like a talented conversationalist, Zoey didn’t laugh as much as her audience; she gave hers in measure.

“Damn, who is that with Tynisha, bro? The one in the purple?” the random voice behind me asked. It could have been the same one who spoke just moments before for all I knew. I’d been too damn caught up in Zoey’s presence to even look or respond.

“I don’t know, but look at her tits, man! I was checking out her ass earlier. I would let her squat on my face all night long and fill my belly with whatever comes out,” another masculine voice said slickly behind me.

I fucking gave her those tits and hips!
I’d done that by giving her a baby. As much as I was turned on, I was suddenly seething with jealous.

“Maaaaaan…man…man…
man
!” A third and familiar voice chimed in. “My boy hit that years ago, and he told me her ass was fucking platinum. He said when she came in his mouth, she excreted gold.”

I swung my head over and found three dudes; one looked vaguely familiar as he winked at me like we were in the fucking locker room of a high school gym, the other kept his eyes plastered on Zoey’s cleavage, and the third was silly ass Alton, snickering at me, fully amused. He knew the other clowns had no idea Zoey was the mother of my fucking child. If I wasn’t still thawing from the frozen state Zoey’s presence put me into, I would’ve likely slapped the shit out of him for thinking everything was a damn joke.

“She’s looking this way, bro!” one of the guys forcefully whispered, sounding like the fucking dweeb that he was.

I glanced over and sure enough, Zoey’s eyes had traveled over to our group. Suddenly I felt supercharged. I had to go and speak.
But what do I fucking say?
I essentially hadn’t seen her since Jordan’s birthday party in April. She made that possible, and as I’d always done; I complied. Just the sight of her, though, had a million questions running through my head. Zoey’s presence made you want to get to know every detail about her, down to what she had for lunch earlier in the day.

“This is what I been trying to warn you about before you left the kitchen, homey,” Alton tried to reach up to whisper to me.

I gave him the side eye, still reeling from his comments about my son’s mother as I walked off and towards Zoey. Her eyes were on me as I approached her. I didn’t know exactly how she felt about running into me, but her eyes seemed kind.

“Zoey,” I greeted. “Surprised to see you here.”

She smiled as she raised her eyebrows, brightening her face. “I didn’t exactly catch your name on the RSVP list either, but it’s good to see you, Stenton.” She inserted her natural wit with her charm.

Zoey didn’t seem bitter. She didn’t seem reserved in reception either. Her vibe was that of a grown ass woman who knew how to conduct herself in public regardless of our convoluted past.

“Same here. It’s great to see you as well. You look good,” I expressed without giving her the onceover my eyes begged for.

“Thanks,” she returned with a nod of feminine humility. “You always look great yourself.”

That compliment came without any pretext. That was Zoey exhibiting another one of her characteristics: honesty. I heard coughing. I turned to see Tynisha covering her glossy lips, but not touching them.

“Tynisha, it’s nice to see you, too,” I supplied a smile. Tynisha was always good people, in spite of the recent dive in our relationship. “It’s been a minute.”

Tynisha blushed, I’d guessed, hiding her fangs as she lowered her chin and fluttered her lashes. “Yes, it’s been a while. Glad to see you, Stent.” Then she wrinkled her forehead and curved her neck to look around me. “Where’s your boy?”

I turned too, but didn’t spot Alton. “I thought he was right behind me,” I muttered.

“Let me go find him and make sure he doesn’t get himself into any trouble tonight. We have a long day tomorrow and I don’t want him walking around with a black eye,” Tynisha informed with a scowl before walking off.

I turned back to Zoey, who was snickering as she acknowledged a few people excusing themselves. There was humor in her eyes as she looked up at me, covering her nose.

“I guess some things never change, huhn?” I asked.

“No,” she giggled lightly. “Things change; people don’t.”

I snorted in agreement. “So, how are you?”

I really wanted to know. She had a new glow to her. Could that have meant she was in a new relationship? I didn’t want to think about that.

Zoey took a sip of her wine and I watched raptly how her lush lips curved around the glass and her lids fluttered when the rim of the glass neared her eyes.

She nodded smoothly as she swallowed. “Good.” She swallowed again. “Really good. School is demanding and business is climbing. I’ve been very fortunate.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m sure you’ve had your plate full with Jordan and all…having school, your own business and him.”