Love Is a Battlefield (25 page)

Kristy swallowed hard. Love? He loved her? she opened her mouth, but no words formed.

“Don't speak. Let me ... let me say what should've been said a long time ago.” Mark leaned forward into the picnic table, as if to draw himself closer to her somehow.

“I messed up. And believe me, I know it. I hate what I did, how I treated you.” He shook his head. “But I want to make it up to you now, if you'll let me. It didn't take me long to realize what a good thing I had with you. And I'm sorry I didn't see it before. Please. Let's give this another try.” He sat back and waited for her response.

She was frozen. Frozen to the spot, frozen in time. How could this be? This chapter in her life was supposed to be over. She'd begun to move on. Yet here he was in front of her, acting as if no time had passed. But she knew better.

“You did have a good thing with me. But you see, I didn't have a good thing with you. Not really. Don't you remember how it was? The fighting, the tension, the general disagreeing on everything from restaurants to TV channels? Have you seriously forgotten all of that?”

“That was just opposites attracting.” He smiled.

“No. It wasn't. It was two people who never should've stayed together for so long in the first place. Mark, I'm thankful to you. Thankful you didn't show up at the wedding. And yes, it's taken me a long time to get here. Six months ago, the words you just said would've had me melting. And while a tiny piece of me loves the thought of riding off into the sunset with you, that's just not going to happen. We were so wrong for each other. We brought out the worst in each other. You know that. You have to know that.”

“We had some good times.”

“I'm not saying there weren't good things about our relationship. But the bad far outweighed the good. If you'd really think, you'd remember.”

“Come on, Kris. Give us another chance.” He, once again, grabbed her hand from across the table.

She shrugged it off. “Mark, I don't know where this is coming from. Loneliness, maybe. But we aren't right for each other.”

“Three years. Three good years.” He shrugged. “Why throw that away?”

She sighed. “Mark, do you believe in true love? The kind that lasts through time and space?”

“I guess. And I truly love you.” His eyes were pleading across the table.

She nodded. “Yes. And a little piece of me has love for you. But not the kind of love we deserve. I'm through with settling. I'm not the same girl you knew.”

She stood from the table and began pacing underneath the tall oak tree. “I've spent years worrying so much about how other people feel that I've forgotten to worry about my own feelings.” she stopped in front of where he sat, watching her. “I'm looking for a big love. The kind of love that makes it into history books. The kind that keeps soldiers warm at night, even when they're on a faraway battlefield.” she paused. “And you and I don't have that. We're compatible half the time, at best. Most of the time, the best thing we had going for us was that we agreed on a pizza topping. But, Mark, we didn't agree on much else. You mocked my faith. You put down my career choice. And I thought you spent too much time on the golf course. If you had actually shown up at our wedding, we'd have been in for a lifetime of misery.”

He reached out and took her hand again. “Are you sure?”

She pulled him up from the bench. “Consider this the best gift you'll ever get. I'm telling you to go. You and I are finished. We did have some good times. But it's time for both of us to move on. So you go find her. Go find your person who will be there with you through your journey. And I'll go find mine.”

He stared at her for a long moment. “Can I hug you?”

She nodded.

He pulled her close, and she breathed in his familiar smell. “I forgive you,” she murmured.

“What?” he whispered, his lips against her ear.

“Never mind.”

She watched as he walked up the hill and out of sight. It was funny. She'd thought her life was all but over when Mark didn't show up to their wedding. But now she saw it had been mostly her wounded pride that was hurt. The pain she felt with Ace gone made her realize that she hadn't really known loss before. And she knew now what she had to do. It wasn't going to be easy. But if she was going to find out if happily ever after existed, it was necessary.

Kristy searched through the stack of papers that sat on top of the battered white desk in her spare bedroom. She knew those notes were here somewhere.

She hadn't even meant to tell Mark she forgave him for leaving her standing at the altar. The words had slipped out. But as soon as she'd said them, she realized that those were the very words that might just set her free.

All last night, she'd thought about the sermon she'd heard about forgiveness. Even though it had been months ago, before she'd screwed things up with Ace, she was sure the notes she'd taken that Sunday were probably still around somewhere.

She sifted through a stack of old
TV Guides,
but it wasn't there. She found a stack of church bulletins from last month and thought she might be onto something, but didn't find the pages she was looking for. She sat down and thought about that Sunday. It had been the day Ace came over to fix the fence. The day Mark had dropped off her savings bonds. A glimmer of hope sprang forth, and she opened the top desk drawer. There, underneath the envelope with her name scribbled on it, was a little scrap of paper. At the top, she'd written simply, “To Forgive.”

She went to the kitchen table and sat down, bible in hand. Maybe it was finally time to put the past behind her. The whole past.

Kristy pulled the list off her refrigerator and read over it one last time.
Forty reasons why Mark and I weren't right for each other. S
he shook her head. She'd meant it this afternoon. She did forgive him.

The longer she dwelled on why she and Mark were wrong for one another, the longer she was holding on to the past—letting it creep into her present and impact her life. It was one thing to learn from her mistakes. It was another to keep daily reminders of them in her kitchen.

She folded the list in half and tore, repeating the action over and over again. Talk about cathartic. The pieces fell at her feet like confetti. Gone was the pity party from previous weeks, and in its place was a celebration. Letting go felt good. She grabbed a broom and swept the tiny pieces of paper into a dustpan, dumping them into the trash with a flourish.
Good-bye, Mark.

Kristy sat down and sighed. If only she could get rid of the other toxic relationships in her life that easily. She looked down at the notes she'd made from her studying. Colossians told her to forgive others as the Lord had forgiven her. She thought back on her life. How many times had she asked for forgiveness? Too many to count. And she believed with certainty that God had forgiven her. Shouldn't she try to do the same?

She flipped over to Ephesians 4:31 one more time. Bitterness. Rage. Anger. Were those words that could describe her? she had a sinking suspicion that they were.

She knew reaching out to Sarah wouldn't be easy. And trying to make amends with her dad would probably produce thoughts that she'd have to ask forgiveness for later. But if there was one thing any good student of history knew, it was that those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it. And it was time to change her patterns.

Indian summer had turned into full-fledged fall. Brightly colored leaves adorned the trees, making a walk through the park a feast for the eyes. Deep reds, yellows, and greens meshed, forming a spectacular sight as Kristy turned the corner near Water Oaks Pond. She held tightly to Sam's leash as he inspected the base of a tree.

The past weeks had been tough. Thoughts of Ace were never far from Kristy's mind. She was startled, sometimes, by a memory so sharp it felt like it had just happened. She'd finally used the last of the bubble bath he'd given her, and just the small act of watching the remainder of the liquid dissolve into the hot water had brought her to tears.

But Kristy knew she was finally dealing with the parts of her life she'd avoided for too long. And it had taken Ace's abrupt exit to make her do so. That was the only silver lining she could find. Hopefully, someday, it would all pay off.

Sam pulled her down the road, past the Tennessee Monument. She paused briefly, remembering the moment they'd shared at that spot.

“How can you not believe in love?”
Ace's words haunted her. How was it that she'd allowed herself to become so jaded? And how was it possible that she'd lost the one person who'd actually had the ability to make her believe in love again?

The ringing of her cell phone brought her to reality. Fishing the phone out of her jacket pocket, she glanced at the caller ID. Sarah. She took a deep breath. All of a sudden, the message she'd left for Sarah earlier in the week didn't seem like such a great idea. But what was done was done.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Kristy.” Sarah sounded flustered. “Sorry I've just gotten around to returning your call. Both kids have been sick and things have just been crazy.”

“Sorry to hear it. I hope they're better now.”

“I think everyone's finally recovered”—her voice faltered—“except for maybe me.”

“Are you sick, too?” Kristy pulled on Sam's leash and attempted to lead him toward the parked car. For such a small dog, he certainly had a lot of willpower. He clearly wasn't ready for his jaunt outside the confines of the fence to be over.

“I have a sinus infection, I think. But I haven't even had time to go to the doctor. You wouldn't understand how it is, though.” The goodwill she'd planned for this call went out the window as something inside Kristy snapped.

“Why not? Do you think single people don't get sinus infections? Do you think that just because I don't have a husband and children, I don't know what it's like to be overloaded and overwhelmed? because I do, Sarah.” Kristy's raised voice alerted Sam, who scampered toward her with interest. “And furthermore, I'm tired of your insinuations that my life is somehow not as complete as yours. I'm happy for you. Why can't you be happy for me?”

Sarah was quiet for a minute. Then she sneezed.

“Bless you.” Even through her anger, Kristy felt sorry for her sister. And for herself. Sorry that she'd let things go on for so long between them without saying anything.

“Thanks. For the blessing, not for the going-off. I don't know what you're talking about anyway. I never said your life wasn't complete.”

“You didn't have to. You imply it every chance you get. It's as if you can't wait to point out that things haven't always gone according to plan for me as they have for you. But you know what I've figured out? it isn't my plan or your plan that matters. It's God's plan. And obviously He knows better than either of us, wouldn't you say?”

“Well, yes. I suppose I hadn't thought of it that way.”

“Sarah...” Kristy trailed off. “Remember when we were kids? We were best friends. We shared secrets and dreams. What happened to us?” she sighed.

“I guess we drifted apart. We didn't have the same interests. You were all cheerleader captain and beauty queen, and I hated that stuff.”

“Don't you mean you hated me?” May as well get it out in the open.

“Hate
is such a strong word.”

Kristy smiled I Sarah in spite of herself.

“But maybe I resented you a little.”

Now they were getting somewhere. “Resented me? Why?”

“You were good and kind and such a straight arrow. Mom always wished I could be more like you.”

“Did she say that?”

“Well, not in so many words, but she thought it.”

Kristy rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

“And remember that summer I got shipped off to live with Dad? Come on, Kristy. That was low. Dad didn't want me there. He told me that flat out.”

Kristy cringed at the thought. “Sorry. But Mom didn't know what to do with you. You were out of control at that point. You wouldn't even speak to me then. And Mom was convinced you were about to join a cult or something.”

Sarah chuckled. “I was just trying to be different.”

“Different from me, you mean?”

“Something like that. But I hated myself for it. It's hard to go down a road you know is wrong, just for spite.”

“Well, you should at least be thankful to me for one thing.” Kristy opened the car door, and Sam jumped inside. “What's that?” Sarah asked.

“Bringing Andrew into your life.”

There was a long, silent pause on the other end.

“Sarah?”

Her sister's voice was muffled when she finally answered. “Yes,” she said weakly, “I am grateful for that.”

“You don't exactly sound grateful.” Was Sarah crying?

“Sorry,” Sarah gulped. “I am. Andrew helped to save me from what I was about to become.” she took a deep breath and let out a tiny laugh. “And to think, I only came home that weekend to make you mad by showing off in front of your goody-goody friends. Who knew it would change my whole life?”

Kristy wasn't buying it. “What's wrong?” silence again.

“Are you and Andrew having problems?”

Sarah's sigh came through the phone line loud and clear. “I don't know what we're having. Nothing big, hopefully. But we probably need to have a talk like this ourselves.”

“Why don't you get someone to stay with the kids and surprise him at work for a lunch date?”

“Do you really think you're qualified to be giving relationship advice?” Sarah paused. “Sorry. I do that without thinking.”

“The question is, why do you do it?”

“I guess because I'm a little jealous of you.”

Kristy felt like she'd been stabbed with a bayonet. “How could you be jealous of me?”

Sarah gave another small laugh. “Let's face it, Kristy—I went from living in the dorm to marrying Andrew. I've never had to fend for myself the way you have. You are your own person, but sometimes I don't even know who I am.”

Kristy felt tears burning her eyes. “I know who you are. You're a strong woman. You have to be. I mean, look at the way you take care of your husband and your kids. You balance it all.” she felt like she needed to say more but wasn't sure what. “And you have the best-decorated house I've ever seen.”

Sarah giggled. “I do have good taste, don't I?”

“You do. And a wonderful family. I'll be praying for you.”

“Thanks, but we'll be fine.” The earlier vulnerability in Sarah's voice was gone as quickly as it had come. “Save your prayers for someone who needs them more.”

Kristy shook her head. She wouldn't let Sarah build up all the walls they'd torn down in the last few minutes. She cleared her throat. “I'll get to my reason for calling, then.” Deep breath. “I'm really trying to turn over a new leaf. And I'd like for us to start over.”

“Start over?”

“Yes. I'm letting go of the past. Sure, you and I have had some differences. But I'm done with them. I'm not holding a grudge anymore.”

Sarah was silent.

“Anyway, I just wanted you to know. I'd like us to be friends. But if we can't be, that's okay, too. Either way, I love you. And I hope you'll consider it.”

Kristy felt like the unspoken words were the most important ones.
I forgive you for the way you've treated me.
As she and a very confused Sarah hung up, she felt good about it. She was letting go of the toxic bitterness she'd been carrying around. And it felt great.