Love Is a Thief (37 page)

So I had come up with a two-fold plan, all of the folds involving Peter Parker although my goal was less distinct than the A-Team’s, which normally involved blowing something up, escaping from something or making impressive pieces of machinery from small cardboard boxes. There may be a moment when I yell,
‘I ain’t gettin’ on no plane, you fool!’
but that was very Mr TBC.

So Fold One was that I had decided to tell Peter Parker that on occasion, or in fact most of the time, I thought of him in ways that weren’t
100%
platonic. In fact they were the exact opposite of platonic. If platonic had a nemesis it lived in my head in the part of my brain where thoughts about Peter lived. So I was going to get it out there, be brave, be vulnerable, hope that the pendulum stopped somewhere in the middle. Fold Two was the kiss that I hoped Peter might offer me after I told him I thought he was special and handsome. That was my brilliant two-fold plan. After which I was going to fly to Canada to train as a ski instructor. Or I was going to stay in Peter’s apartment kissing him until my lips were chapped and I’d run out of saliva. Either way fold one of the two-fold plan was about to happen. Kate Winters was stepping up to the plate of love, or honesty, or kissing. I was stepping up to the plate of something. And all of the above seemed like a really clever idea until Peter Parker had actually answered his front door, a cool ice-pop fridge magnet in a super-fitted T-shirt and no such enthusiasm for two-folds or new plans.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be at your leaving party?’ was his initial flat-toned, smile-free comment when he saw me standing, once again, in the hallway of his apartment block. He looked beautiful, and fresh, his top skimming over what I already knew to be an exquisite torso.

‘Aren’t
you
supposed to be at my leaving party?’ I chuckled nervously as I followed him into the immaculately clean apartment. We walked into the lounge and he stood cross-armed next to one gigantic sofa. I stood next to the other one. He didn’t invite me to sit down, so we just stood there.
I looked about the place, as one does when things are a bit awkward and tense.

‘Sorry, I was going to come to Pepperpots but I was having trouble with the dogs so …’

We both looked at the dog basket where the puppies slept as if they’d been sedated. ‘Well, they were disruptive earlier,’ he said, rubbing his hand through his hair and frowning. ‘They were more energetic pre-10 p.m.’

‘Peter, I leave in two days and I haven’t seen you, at all.’

‘Well, it’s a really busy time of year for me,’ he said, gesturing towards his laptop, which was switched off on the coffee table. He registered its dark screen, then looked at the floor and sighed heavily. ‘I was thinking things through before starting work,’ he muttered. The apartment was eerily quiet. I could hear the London traffic on the streets outside.

‘So how are you?’ I said, trying to sound super casual, my vocal cords sounding as if someone were pinching them together.

‘I’m good, Kate, same as always.’

‘That’s great news. Good stuff. Well, I just wondered if, I thought maybe you would, perhaps we could spend some time together before I go away? Maybe do something together?’

The last thing I’d done with Peter was fall asleep with him wrapped all around me. It was pretty much all I’d been thinking about ever since.

Peter stared at me from the other side of the room. I found myself nervously fiddling with the hem of my dress. He watched my hands.

‘You’re going away for a long time, Kate. Don’t you think
it’s a bit stupid to spend every day together if we’re not going to see each other for six months? There’s not a lot of consistency there. And it’s been proven that both humans and animals benefit from consist—’

‘I don’t care what’s been proven, Peter. I just want to know if you want to see me before I leave, get a coffee. We could talk about
stuff
.’ I shrugged, as if
stuff
were mere bric-a-brac as opposed to crossing the cavernous divide from friendship to people who kiss and sniff each other’s necks.

‘Well, let’s have a coffee now and talk about this
stuff—’
bric-a-brac ‘—then it’s done and you can get back to preparing for your trip.’ He strode off towards the kitchen. The noise woke the puppies, who immediately tore after him before noticing me and tearing back the other way. They came to a skidding halt at my feet, then started running after each other. I watched the girl puppy chase the boy puppy with unabating enthusiasm; she just chased and chased and chased, her quest for his attention relentless. I sat down on one of the sofas. Through the huge windows the lights of the London skyline twinkled in at me; the financial distract; the dome of St Paul’s nestled among the skyscrapers; the old with the new; visual reminders of different eras. Was I about to enter a new era? Was I trying to cling to Peter as a safety net? Was that why I felt as if I wanted to kiss him until I ran out of breath?

‘Here you go,’ he said when he finally wandered back into the lounge, handing me a hot mug of coffee. ‘To your new life,’ he said, clinking my mug, then sitting himself on the sofa opposite. He picked the further possible point
away from me. The puppies ran over to him, jumping up onto the expensive sofa.

‘They are as well trained as ever,’ he mused, stroking them. ‘They definitely know I’m the boss,’ he said as the boy pup jumped up and tried to bite his nose. The girl pup was desperately trying to climb up Peter’s chest and lick his neck. I watched him take a sip of his coffee. He watched me. I wanted to start on fold one.

‘I will miss you, Peter,’ I said quite forcefully. I had officially turned into the girl puppy.

‘I think when you get to Canada you’ll find you miss very little about your life here.’ He took a sip from his coffee and looked out of the window. ‘But it’s nice of you to say something. Very sweet,’ he said, still looking out of the window.

‘I just thought that, well, things have been pretty intense, what with the whole “Are we related?” drama, and now I am going away for six months it doesn’t really give us a chance to get things back on track, back to normal, so I thought that if you wanted me to delay my, I mean, if you prefer me being around, more than me not being around to work through what has happened or not happened, or because of certain feelings that one or both of us may or may not have …’

‘Sentences are hard to understand when they contain double negatives, Kate.’

‘What I mean to say is that you are important to me and I would reconsider what I’m doing if it was the best thing to do for … us … for you and me, you know, if you prefer that I am around so we could do things together.’ Like kissing. ‘For example, you could tell me your thoughts and feelings
and then I could tell you my thoughts and feelings and then we could, adjust things, things aren’t set in stone, if you know what I mean.’ I didn’t, and it was my speech. I’d do better to get down on all fours and start yapping.

‘Kate, I’m not entirely sure what you’re saying,’ he said, putting the puppies on the floor, ‘but my interpretation of it sounds like you’re saying I could have an influence over your travel plans,’ he said, frowning. ‘Is that what you’re saying? You’ll delay your trip or?’

‘Cancel it …?’ Was he asking me a question or asking me to finish his sentence?

‘Or cancel your trip for me?’

‘Peter, I haven’t actually thought everything through. I just wanted you to know that you are important to me. I like you in my life …’ yap … yap … yap ‘… I would prioritise your well-being when considering my plans, and, I would like more of you in my life. I need you, how you are, your perspective on life, I like it all, all of it, all of you, you are … nice.’

Well, what an impressive wordsmith I was. Of course Chad would hire me to rewrite the words of other humans. I had absolutely none of my own; I was word poor; I was living below the word poverty line. But at least I’d said it, sort of. I had taken the higher ground. I’d been brave, stepped up to the plate, put myself and my feelings out there, in a confusing, vague and self-protecting way.

‘Are you saying you’d stay for me, Kate?’ he said, glaring at me. Then he shook his head, rubbing his eyes and his forehead. He suddenly looked very tired. ‘And what do you mean you
need
me? You don’t
need
me, Kate. And I’m
really sorry to say this but I definitely don’t
need
you.’ He sat back in his seat and crossed his arms. ‘I don’t need anyone, Kate. And neither should you. You really should know better than that.’

‘Don’t give me that speech, Peter, about not needing anyone. It’s bullshit. I think you like having me in your life. What I want to know is if you have feelings for me, other than friendship.’ He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. ‘Do you? Do you feel
anything
at all about me? When you stayed at my house? When we spend time together? Anything?’

‘It’s been nice getting to know you a bit, after all this time.’

‘That’s it? That’s all you want to share? It’s been nice getting to know me
a bit?’

‘Well, what do you want?’ he said, getting to his feet. ‘Do you want me to tell you to stay? So we can have some kind of emotionally painful goodbye when you eventually decide to leave? Or maybe,’ he said, grabbing the coffee cups off the table, ‘maybe you could stay and then blame me for it afterwards.’ He marched off towards the kitchen before turning on his heel and marching back. ‘I have a much better idea. Let me become the source of all your happiness and joy. Let’s do that. Then you can fall apart all over again when you realise I do not have the ability to make you feel complete. Seriously, Kate, you come here basically telling me that you would change all your brilliant and exciting plans, plans that are important to you, for me. And you expect me to be excited at the prospect of that? What kind of man do you think I am?’ I thought he was a really handsome and nice man, obviously, and I hadn’t committed to a plan
change. I’d only committed as far as the speech, and the kissing. I was a short-termist; that’s how I got into credit-card debt at university.

‘Kate, it’s late and I’m really tired so if you don’t mind I’d prefer if you left.’

‘Peter, we haven’t finished talking about this.’

‘We have and I want you to go.’

‘There is nothing brave about denying your feelings, Peter! There is nothing brave about how you’re being. It’s OK to want someone else to be around, Peter. People need people.’ I couldn’t believe I was quoting Chad.

‘You can show yourself out,’ he said, marching off into the kitchen and not coming back out. The puppies sat on the floor in the space between us; neither one knew which way to go.

The pendulum swings one way, then it swings another, and you hope that eventually it lands somewhere in the middle. But it doesn’t always. Sometimes it just keeps moving.

a short interval

theresa—62 years old—second time’s a charm

Dear
True Love,

When I first read about Love-Stolen Dreams it didn’t connect, at all. Before I got married I did all the things I wanted to. The late 1950s were not a period in history when all young women went off on their own to live abroad but my parents actively encouraged it. My European travels are still some of my fondest pre-love memories and when I met the man I eventually married I never once thought I was disengaging from myself in any way. But the fact is, 10 years into my marriage I was utterly miserable and I didn’t recognise myself any more. I was no longer financially independent. I had no career. Theresa had left the building. So in truth, love showed up and, yes, the balance started to shift, slowly, in barely tangible ways, and ultimately that was very detrimental to me, and to my marriage
.

Do women actively give up their dreams when they fall in love? I think the dreams become more and more dreamlike
until you almost forget you had them. Do women waste time before they fall in love? I don’t know. I didn’t
.

My advice for women is quite boring and quite practical. But I tell you with all honesty and all sincerity that being financially independent has been the single most significant factor in the reclamation of my own happiness. I am answerable to no one. I am financially free of any other person. It’s taken me until after my 60th birthday to achieve it, but that independence is the cornerstone of my personal happiness. It also contributes to the success of my current relationship
.

I spend lots of time with my wonderful boyfriend. At the weekends we travel together, we have fun, we kiss, we have great sex, we relax, eat great food, see friends, play sport, all the best parts of being in a relationship. After the weekend we both go back to our work and back to our separate homes. And we have never ever been so happy. Oh, I should probably mention at this point that the new man in my life is my ex-husband. Twenty years later, two marriages and seven step-kids between us, we are back together, for all the right reasons
.

Life really can get in the way of love. Not feeling good about yourself really does get in the way of love. My lack of self-worth during the relationship; my lack of ‘having my own shit going on’ as our youngest son would put it, played a massive hand in the failure of my marriage. But my boyfriend/husband/ex-husband/father of my children, whatever you want to call him, really was the love of my life. We were meant to be together. Two marriages and forty years later I am so happy that I can finally have the relationship
of my dreams with the man of my dreams. But being with someone doesn’t have to mean being together all the time. A committed monogamous relationship doesn’t have to mean living in each other’s pockets, or living together at all. We know we are going to be together for the rest of our lives but living apart means we get to have the homes we want and the lifestyles we want. We never speak about laundry; what food is in the fridge; whose turn it is to take out the trash or clean up the bathroom. When we were married we even used to fight about whose turn it was to pick up the dog shit in the garden! I’d feel hard done by because I did all the housework so the least he could do was clear up the garden. He’d feel hard done by because he was working all the time to financially support the family. He felt a burden. I felt a burden. No one felt happy. Now our time together is precious; it’s just about enjoying each other’s personalities, conversation, bodies. It’s the ultimate relationship because it is actually about the relationship and not about all the shit that sometimes comes with being in a relationship. We are in a privileged position. I know that. Our kids are grown up so we are free to live any way we please, but my advice for Love-Stolen Dreams would still be the same. Work for your financial and emotional independence. Get your financial and emotional independence. Keep your financial and emotional independence. It saved me and gave birth to the most wonderful relationship of my life. I also highly recommend living apart
.